tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-107709682024-03-08T08:09:11.273+00:00Angry ChimpHerge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.comBlogger698125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-11386276541702569202011-11-11T06:59:00.001+00:002011-11-11T08:17:34.159+00:00After hours at the Zoo - Meerkat<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:officedocumentsettings> <o:allowpng/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--> <!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:trackmoves/> <w:trackformatting/> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:donotpromoteqf/> <w:lidthemeother>EN-US</w:LidThemeOther> <w:lidthemeasian>JA</w:LidThemeAsian> <w:lidthemecomplexscript>X-NONE</w:LidThemeComplexScript> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> 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mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:EN-US; mso-fareast-language:JA;} </style> <![endif]--> <!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">It took Chimpanzee slightly longer than 3 minutes and 32 seconds to reach the Meerkat enclosure. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">This was because Chimpanzee was feeling so terrific about all the good he done so far this evening that he utterly failed to notice the tree stump that sat in the fork in the path, tripping over it and landing in a raggedy mess.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">This particular fork was very important as it split the path between the Meerkats enclosure in one direction and the Crocodiles pit in the other. You really wouldn’t want to mix them up. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Crocodiles rarely greet unexpected guests with the same civility that Meerkats can usually muster. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">On the other hand, if it’s a scare you are after the best a Meerkat can do is stand very very still and when you think it’s asleep, jump up and shout ‘boo’ at you. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Unfortunately, due to various cultural and language barriers, this charming small mammals attempt to terrify typically comes across as shockingly adorable. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“What’s that doing there?” Chimpanzee said to himself as he rubbed his bruised chimp shin. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“They must have just put that there,” he muttered under his breath as he limped onward to see his Meerkat friends. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">The Meerkat sentry stood tall and proud on his rear legs; he rested his front legs on his tummy as he scanned the enclosure from right to left and then back again. Behind him lay a number of bolt holes from which could be heard the comfortable snores of the rest of the team. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Meerkat spotted Chimpanzee as soon as he appeared from behind the gate. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Are you okay Chimpanzee?” asked the Meerkat, who as one of the most social animals at the facility always conducted himself with an air of confidence and easy charm, again, not qualities typically shared by the Crocodiles. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Hurt my leg,” replied Chimpanzee, bearing his teeth in discomfort. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Owww, nasty, how’d you do that then?” asked the friendly little Meerkat. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Chimpanzee looked embarrassed for just a moment before suddenly reply with a broad grin, <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Had a bit of bother with a fox…”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“A fox!” exclaimed the Meerkat, already quaking at the mere-kat thought of it.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Yes,” replied Chimpanzee emphatically, “in fact there might even have been two of them.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Meerkat thought for a moment and then furrowed his brow in the exactly that same way the person who looks after you might do, when you tell them you didn’t know you were not meant to eat all the choc chip cookies that were left out for everyone to share. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“So you didn’t just bash your leg on that stump by the fork like you did last Tuesday?” he asked as he scratched behind his ear with his paw. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Most definitely not,” said Chimpanzee mock offended, before adding awkwardly, “Did I tell you about that then…?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Not at first,” said Meerkat. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Anyway”, said Chimpanzee, now flustered by his own ridiculous attempts to cover up his now obvious quite frequent clumsiness, “how have you been chum?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Good,” said Meerkat, nodding to emphasis just how good he was, which secretly he wasn’t. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Oh that’s great,” said Chimpanzee with a sigh, “It’s been all dramas tonight, Elephant and Hippo have been having a tiff, Penguin’s got a beef with Puffin, I was just about to –“<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“There is something,” Meerkat said suddenly looking down at the ground. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Oh…” said Chimpanzee, feeling slightly awkward that he was about to go off on a rant about how everyone wants him to solve their problems but no one ever asks if he has anything he wants to discuss, which he might… <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Feeling Chimpanzee’s unease Meerkat shock his head. “Oh it’s nothing, honestly, forget I said anything. I feel silly even mentioning it. I absolutely will not start complaining when really it’s nothing… I can’t be drawn…”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Reaching through the bars Chimpanzee gently placed his paw on Meerkats tiny shoulder. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it hon?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Oh well, if you insist,” Meerkat said and he sat down on his haunches, which were as it happens, phenomenally comfortable. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“It’s about the shift allocation”. He said matter-of-factly. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“What about them?” asked Chimpanzee.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Well frankly I’m a bit tired of always getting the night shift. Every Monday morning we have our team meeting at the end of which we get our weekly rota, and every week I’m on nights. Every week.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Have you complained?” asked Chimpanzee. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No, no I haven’t. I don’t want to complain. Complaining isn’t seen as being very <i style="mso-bidi-font-style:normal">team focused</i>” Meerkat said, making those little air-quotation marks with his paws that folk who are a little bit insecure often use to make themselves seem less insecure and slightly smarter than they actually are. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“I mean do you know that last time I had a day off?” Meerkat asked pointedly. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Saturday wasn’t it?” replied Chimpanzee. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Well, yes, yes it was Saturday.” Said Meerkat, somewhat taken aback that Chimpanzee could remember as far back as the weekend. “And before that?” he asked trying to re-emphasis his point. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Wednesday?” replied Chimpanzee again without batting an eyelid. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Huh…” said Meerkat, again shocked at how well Chimpanzee could recall his Rota. “Well the point is do you know how boring these night shifts are?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No,” said Chimpanzee inquisitively, “How boring are they?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Very” said Meerkat, “And do you know how many potential threats there been since I started these night shifts?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No,” said Chimpanzee even more inquisitively, “How many have there been?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“None” said Meerkat with a huge Meerkat sigh (which is quite a tiny sigh by average size mammal standards) <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“None?” exclaimed Chimpanzee, “No threats at all?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Well there was one yesterday,” said Meerkat half embarrassed even to bring it up.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“What was it? A fox?” asked Chimpanzee. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“What the fox that just attacked you?” replied Meerkat cheekily. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Er…” said Chimpanzee.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No, not a fox, not a fox at all. Not a hawk, or a cat or a wild dog… “ Said Meerkat, “A hedgehog.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“A hedgehog?” spluttered Chimpanzee. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Yes, hedgehog. Of course I got the team out. Had to, protocol. I felt like a right fool I must say.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“And what happened, did you see the hedgehog off?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No” said Meerkat “After the team went back to bed we just sat and had a chat.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“A chat?” asked Chimpanzee who was now becoming acutely aware that all he was doing was simply recapping each of Meerkats sentences.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Quite a decent fellow as it happens. Just moved into the neighborhood.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Meerkat just sat and stared into the clear starry night as Chimpanzee began to pace furiously as he contemplated this particular issue. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Look Meerkat,” said Chimpanzee after a few moments of frantic thinking, “You know maybe the reason there are so few threats on you watch is that you are really good at it.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Good at it?” said Meerkat, now taking up Chimpanzees recapping mantel. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Yes, no one comes looking for trouble when you’re on watch. And I assume the reason you keep getting this shift is because the others trust you so much.”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Meerkat stood back up onto his rear legs, Chimpanzee could see that his chest was ever so slightly more pushed out than usual. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“I think you’re onto something,” said Meerkat proudly, “That makes sense, right?” <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Er.. yeah, absolutely” said Chimpanzee in an almost believable way.<span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>“Okay, look Darling I’ve got to get going. See you again tomorrow night?”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“You bet,” said Meerkat with a newfound sense of duty. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Chimpanzee turned and began to limp away, anxiously biting his chimp fingernails as he did; maybe he’d try to get here a bit earlier tomorrow, when his friend was still in bed. It would give him a chance to have a chat with team about the shift allocation policy. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">It really didn’t seem at all fair. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Just before he reached the gate he heard Meerkat shout out to him.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Chimpanzee, I almost forgot to tell you something”<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Tell me what?” Chimpanzee shouted back.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Crocodile wants to have a word with you” Meerkat hollered probably loud enough to rouse the rest of the team from deep dreams filled with play fighting and speed trials. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Chimpanzee was instantly alarmed, on point of principle he refused to judge any of the inmates but he couldn’t help but be absolutely terrified of Crocodile. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">He still recalled the time Crocodile quipped that he would never view Chimpanzee as dinner. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Phew” said Chimpanzee with utter relief. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“No” said Crocodile with his big toothy grin, “you’d only big enough as an </span><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri;mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi- mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;">hors d'oeuvre”.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;">Chimpanzee didn’t know what an hors d’oeuvre was but he certainly knew being compared to one by Crocodile was probably not a good thing.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;">“Did he say what it was about?” Chimpanzee shouted back nervously. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;">“No” said Meerkat.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin;mso-bidi-mso-fareast-language:JAfont-family:Arial;font-size:11.0pt;color:#1A1A1A;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“Phew” said Chimpanzee with utter relief. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">“But he didn’t seem at all happy with you” Meerkat added unhelpfully. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=" mso-ascii-theme-font:major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latinfont-family:Calibri;font-size:11.0pt;">Chimpanzee suddenly felt his knees go weak, which only added to the pain in his already quite bruised shin. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-36249447472504087782011-10-06T14:23:00.002+00:002011-10-06T14:29:49.558+00:00Give Mole a chance...<p style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/6216978483/" title="Untitled-1 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm7.static.flickr.com/6160/6216978483_99605663eb.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="Untitled-1" /></a></p><p style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;" >The truth is no one really knows where Mole comes from…</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;"><span lang="EN-US" style="mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin;mso-hansi-theme-font:major-latin">Well actually they do, you see Mole is the result </span><span lang="EN-US">of the overgrowth of the skin's pigment cells, melanocyte. Mole doesn’t know this because Mole is just a Mole not the part of the brain that deals with knowing where moles come from or where you left your keys this morning. It isn’t Moles fault that Mole is the overgrowth of the skin’s pigment cells, it is just one of those things, and now here Mole is.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;">Despite being light brown in colour, Mole is not of an ethnic background, in fact everything around Mole is quite white, and like Mole rarely touched by the warm embraces of the Sun… or at least that is what we imagine.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;"><span lang="EN-US">Mole is of the soft variety, not in the sense that Mole can be bullied, or cajoled into committing criminal acts, although to be fair we doubt this has ever been tested; no, Mole is soft, and certainly not dysplastic. Mole had once been called dysplastic but this turned out to be both a mistake and somewhat offensive. It’s just not polite to call a regular mole dysplastic; in fact it’s rude.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"> </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;">Mole is not entirely sure how old it is; its earliest memories are of a fifteenth birthday party which would make Mole now around fifteen years old… which is not as obvious as you may first think.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;">Sadly, despite its splendor Mole harbours feelings of shame and insecurity, which anyone will tell you, are not good feelings to have. Good feelings to have are joy (within reason) and that gooey feeling you get in your tummy when someone nice runs their fingers inside your underwear waistband. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;" >Now, we are not Psychiatrists, no we are not. But we believe that the reason for Moles feelings of shame and insecurity are simple; Mole is infrequently spoken to, or indeed spoke about, and when Mole does hear itself spoken about, it is rarely complimentary. And sometimes, just sometimes its name is mentioned in conjunction with a small medical procedure, which is a shame as Mole is packed full of personality and charm, love and kindness…</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;">Mole has never harmed anyone, and with regular check-ups, it probably never will.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';font-size:100%;">If only Mole can be given a chance.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: -webkit-xxx-large; font-family:Verdana;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:15px;"><br /></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment--><p></p>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-75111786350737804882011-09-22T13:38:00.001+00:002011-09-22T13:42:05.042+00:00The Middle Class Child 1:3:7<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><p></p>Well... here we go again.
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<br />Not sure why it's taken so long to write... maybe the lack of anti-depressants. The good news is I'm fully medicated and experiencing a rare period of creativity.
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<br />So, taking advantage of this I present the first part of the movie version of The Middle Class Child.
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<br />Oh and I fully intend to email everyone that has contacted me over the past few weeks - SORRY FOR THE DELAY!!!
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<br />Enjoy...
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<br /></span>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-47068324075068492862010-02-14T13:00:00.004+00:002010-02-14T13:20:28.262+00:00The truth via Valentine card<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';">We'll it's that time of year again when fake sentiments written by someone more articulate and creative than you are wrapped in paper envelopes and received with disappointment and disdain (in my experience anyway...).<br /><br />Maybe that isn't the case for you (I don't know who the hell I'm talking to, I've pretty much alienated all my family, friends, co-workers, blog chums and now even my dog - yep, i'm pretty much talking to myself here) but in case it is here are a few card ideas you may like to cut out and send to that special someone.... or something, I don't judge.</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355506001/" title="Valentine 1 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2707/4355506001_f2107fd7c1.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="" /><br /></span></a><a href="http://www.blogger.com/com=" photos="" angrychimp="" 4355506101="" title="Valentine 2 by angrychimp, on Flickr"></a></div><div><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355506001/" title="Valentine 1 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2710/4355506101_a853f3703b.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 2" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355506513/" title="Valentine 3 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4072/4355506513_b4b314327e.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 3" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355506923/" title="Valentine 4 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4058/4355506923_4276c8932b.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 4" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356252466/" title="Valentine 5 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4029/4356252466_56547f365e.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 5" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356252804/" title="Valentine 6 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4043/4356252804_2103b321d8.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 6" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356252934/" title="Valentine 7 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4037/4356252934_b7042d327f.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 7" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /></span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355507847/" title="Valentine 8 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2722/4355507847_c0a39b9aee.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 8" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355508063/" title="Valentine 9 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4039/4355508063_b1bf5ccabb.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 9" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356253744/" title="Valentine 10 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4031/4356253744_94bebf9e10.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 10" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356253838/" title="Valentine 11 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2757/4356253838_814abf66a7.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 11" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355508741/" title="Valentine 12 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4001/4355508741_d01ce5568f.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 12" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355508853/" title="Valentine 13 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4040/4355508853_e31648382e.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 13" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356254150/" title="Valentine 14 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4050/4356254150_4dcfd02570.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 14" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355509141/" title="Valentine 15 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2777/4355509141_e31fd62f51.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 15" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355509267/" title="Valentine 16 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4026/4355509267_5e0f6160f4.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 16" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355509679/" title="Valentine 17 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4018/4355509679_b30c226592.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 17" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4355509767/" title="Valentine 18 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4026/4355509767_2f62800b02.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 18" /></span></a><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/4356282766/" title="Valentine 19 by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><img src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4031/4356282766_a8271db81d.jpg" width="500" height="500" alt="Valentine 19" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><br /><br />I'm such a terrible romantic... literally terrible...</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms', serif;"><br /></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-37002981343352943122009-03-27T05:34:00.004+00:002009-03-27T05:42:44.741+00:00The Middle Class Child 12.11.8<p></p><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'trebuchet ms';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"></span></span></span></p><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/3389405450/" title="The middle class child by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3126/3389405450_f6a7e1bf61_o.jpg" width="400" height="300" alt="The middle class child" /></span></span></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Lizzie Jenkins and her almost thirteen-year-old daughter Esmé Jenkins-Strathmore (twelve years, eleven months and 8 days) are on holiday together at a beautiful coastal resort in Cambodia.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Esmé is unaware that only a relatively few short years ago this popular holiday destination for predominately Western tourists saw unimaginable horror during the regime of The Khmer Rouge, with over a million Cambodians, out of a total population of 8 million, dying from executions, overwork, starvation and disease.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">All Esmé is aware of is the endless sandy beaches and the blisteringly hot sun which both her and her mother take care to protect themselves from whilst they work on their tans.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Her mother Lizzie intends to take Esmé to one of the many historic Killing Fields sites which she sees as part of Esmé’s world education, but not until late in the second week so as not to spoil her holiday in Cambodia. Ultimately this does not transpire, however Lizzie determines to discuss the history of the country with Esmé during the flight home. This also does not happen.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Recently split up from her ‘insufferable’ writer ex-boyfriend, Lizzie is starting to feel that time is running out for her to be truly happy, or even just content with her life. ‘Maybe just some time away somewhere sunny is the answer’, she thought to herself as she flicked through the listings on Tripadvisor.com a few weeks previously.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">With her brother now permanently living with her father Marcus and his new family, Esmé is secretly pleased that it will be just her and her mother on holiday together. It had seemed like such a long time since they had had any fun together, in fact Esmé could hardly remember the last time she had seen her mother smile, let alone laugh.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">By the second half of the break Lizzie is feeling relaxed, comfortably dividing her time between the beach and the resort bar. Esmé on the other hand spends a lot of her time with a sixteen-year-old Dutch boy called Gan, who is holidaying without his parents for the very first time. </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">During the next couple of days Esmé will try marijuana cigarettes and sexual intercourse for the first time.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">She will leave Cambodia with the opinion that whilst she enjoyed having sex, she much preferred smoking joints as it made her feel quite lovely, helped her forget about all the sad things in her life, like her mother, and it lasted longer. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/3389411122/" title="Angry Chimp Logo L by angrychimp, on Flickr"></a></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/3389411122/" title="Angry Chimp Logo L by angrychimp, on Flickr"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3563/3389411122_1c2f854356_o.jpg" width="142" height="142" alt="Angry Chimp Logo L" /></span></span></a></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-38491566253608676242009-03-22T07:19:00.005+00:002009-03-22T07:52:20.104+00:00Britain bought out by Crocs.<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">BREAKING NEWS: </span></b></span><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">With the stock price plummeting and redundancies escalating at an alarming rate, Great Britain has been in danger of a corporate buy-out for some time now and today it was officially announced that Crocs, the manufacturer of ‘injection molded day-glo plastic clogs’, has bought out Great Britain for one pound and will commence the massive task of re-branding and re-training of Britain’s 60 million employees.<br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/3374344475/" title="Spaztania by angrychimp, on Flickr" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3567/3374344475_5210831da3_m.jpg" width="152" height="240" alt="Spaztania" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span"></span></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">How the UK will look by 2010</span></span></div><div><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Crocs are undoubtedly the smash hit fashion accessory of this decade and in the words of their own unique advertising campaign, ‘The single ugliest item of clothing ever created™’. Crocs put their success down to the simple fact that the design free and cheap-to-produce plastic clogs are absolutely irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">“Obviously our first move will be to ensure all our team wear Crocs” announced the company’s Dutch chairman Bo Gan Shuuse, “And then we will be working town by town, colouring each in a bright and exciting colour, some will be primary, some will be secondary and others will be more pastel in tone.”</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">PINK FOR BRIGHTON?</span></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It is currently understood that London has already been designated as orange, with Birmingham and Manchester brown and lilac respectively. Further town colours will be decided in the next few weeks.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Britain has previously faced buy-out on several occasions, most notably during the crash of the late eighties when Amstrad expressed an interest. However it is only now that this abrupt sell-off of Britain, severely weakened by a cynical, shortsighted and morally bankrupt board of directors, has become a reality.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">During a hastily organised press conference in one of the eight Oxford Street Croc shops, Britain’s current MD, Gordon Brown, hailed the news as ‘acceptable’, stating that “we were initially hoping that Apple would be bidding for Britain or even Starbucks at a push, but neither were interested due in large part to our work-forces’ growing love for infantile, tasteless footwear. At that point we realised that Crocs is a perfect match.” </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">BRAND RANT</span></b></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The move has garnered predictable outrage from Britain’s militant union the BBC, whose leader Russell Brand claimed that the take-over was, “A f**kin’ disgrace”.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">In a statement which Brand himself shouted out in the middle of the Lakeside Shopping Centre food court KFC, he bellowed that Brown was ‘once again short f**kin’ selling Blighty’ and that he himself would never wear a pair of Crocs, quickly adding “Not unless they are free, black and I can make a couple of quid from the celebrity endorsement”.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">It took Brand’s own party members a further 4 hours to end his rambling speech, in which he lashed out at such targets as ‘the footie’, ‘funny things from yesteryear’ and ‘my discoloured willie’. The speech subsequently emptied both Lakeside Shopping Centre and much of Thurrock.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Brand’s dismissal of Crocs is particularly ironic; Brand has also described himself in the past as being irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers. However, Crocs have never been called ‘talentless’ or described as an obnoxious gobshite middle-class teenage Robert Smith wannabe prick.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">SPAZTANIA</span></b></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Speculation is now rife as to whether Crocs will change Great Britain’s historic brand name, with a suggestion that by the end of 2009 the former UK will be known as either ‘Croc Britain’, The United Crocdom’ or more simply ‘Spaztania’.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Bo Gan Shuuse elaborated on the current geo-political situation, “Where once the world was fought over on ideological grounds, now it is the footwear manufactures that vie for dominance”.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:verdana;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Crocs currently control much of Western Europe and at least 45% of Asia, whereas Australasia is controlled by Havaianas and the Americas by Converse. As a footnote to this, Birkenstock do not own any continental landmass but they do have more retail outlets then taste should allow.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-34915376485930565652009-03-19T02:00:00.005+00:002009-03-19T02:12:05.639+00:00I got a letter the other day...<span style="font-family:verdana;font-size:85%;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">Priceless.<br /><br />It's stuff like this that brings joy to my cynical heart... I received this email yesterday morning;<br /><br /><br /><em>Hi there!<br /><br />I recently searched online and came across your blog and came across your interview with the Bliss editor, Helen Jenkins. I am currently a third year journalism student and doing my dissertation on the sexual content in teenage magazines and was wondering if I could include your interview? Just need to verify with you that it is truthful and it was conducted, etc etc...I know that sounds silly but it needs to be done! Do let me know if you can let me use it, as soon as possible... Also, any further information on the interview would be great.<br /><br />Thanks so much for your help.<br /><br />I look forward to your reply.<br /><br />Thanks,<br /><br />Jennifer. </em><br /></span><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><br />This is the post she is referring to;<br /><br /><a href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/03/interview-bliss-magazine-teenagers.html"><span style="font-size:130%;color:#330099;">Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking!</span> </a><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span><div align="left"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><a title="bliss cover by angrychimp, on Flickr" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/03/interview-bliss-magazine-teenagers.html"><img height="500" alt="bliss cover" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/7/7394358_5e7edb6ae4.jpg" width="376" /></a><br /><br />I can only assume she never actually read the post because lets face it, I ain't being subtle here.<br /><br />This is almost as good as all the attention I got from the <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">castration</span> folk over my Castrato Academy I did a few years back.<br /><br />Well, that's it, I'm <span class="blsp-spelling-corrected" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">definitely</span> getting me one of those personal websites when I get back, all flashy like. I might even try my hand again at some satire, subtle or otherwise... and then maybe I'll get a job...<br /><br />Leaving the tropical Island we're currently on and heading back home to England in 16 days. Is it true no one has a job there anymore and that it now resembles the future earth from the Terminator movies... only with more crappy telly?<br /></span></div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:verdana;"></span> </div><div align="left"><span style="font-family:verdana;">Herge OUT.</div></span>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-12035923681468006842009-03-05T10:31:00.009+00:002009-03-06T07:00:28.700+00:00The Lonely Lemon<span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><p></p>They called it the last great unfilmable work, but I've proved them all wrong and filmed it.<br /><br />For your viewing pleasure I suggest you play it with either the sound turned UP or with headphones in.<br /><br />Enjoy...<br /></span><br /><object width="500" height="315"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mK_IYo4Fg7U&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01&border=1&ap=%2526fmt%3d18"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mK_IYo4Fg7U&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0xe1600f&color2=0xfebd01&border=1&ap=%2526fmt%3d18" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="500" height="315"></embed></object><br /><br /><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">For the source material click </span><a href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2006/04/lonely-lemon.html"><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">here</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;">.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></span>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-6023474585805246592009-01-27T11:35:00.002+00:002009-01-27T13:53:52.894+00:00Confirmation on CRAP ANIMALS No.6<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><p></p>As most of you will know I am a blogger of the highest dedication, and as such I have traveled halfway across the planet to check a few facts out on a post I originally wrote when I was about 14 years old - Crap Animals No.6 The Koala (reprinted below for your convenience).<br /><br />Well, now having spent a good 5 minutes studying this animal up close and in the wild (the Great Ottaway National Park - Victoria, Australia) I can confirm that Koalas are:</span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> A. Crap</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"> B. Animals.<br /><br />Enjoy the (small amount of) footage below which I hoped was going to show bumbling tourists getting their cameras rammed up their bums by uppity Koalas. Unfortunately this particular Ewok rip-off was far too monged on eucalyptus to give a stuff about the throng of cooing shutterbugs buzzing around him. <br /><br /><object width="480" height="295"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Y0tG86vYYHs&hl=en&fs=1&ap=%2526fmt%3D18"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Y0tG86vYYHs&hl=en&fs=1&ap=%2526fmt%3D18" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="295"></embed></object><br /><br />The original post...<br /></span><br /><p></p><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580411/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><img src="http://photos21.flickr.com/25580411_5d1fc8a00d.jpg" alt="Koala 3" height="375" width="500" /></span></a><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div> <div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I branded this one earlier, he put up quite a struggle, but I got 'im.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div> <span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This is taken directly from the </span></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://www.savethekoala.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Australian Koala Foundation</span></a><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> website;</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">“Koalas mean so much to the world. Even the hardest human heart melts when it comes into close contact with them - especially in the wild”</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">How much longer are we going to have to endure this incessant sentimentality for anything that looks vaguely like a teddy? It is this kind of crap that sank Return of the Jedi; you can be certain it will sink us.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">And, if they are soooo ‘special’ that they can, ‘melt the hardest human heart’ then why are they currently endangered? – well, not actually endangered, but vulnerable in a number of Australian States. The truth is, if they weren’t such fussy bloodly eaters they wouldn’t be in the shit they are in.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Anyway, to prove that I know what I’m talking about, and why the Koala deserves to a member of ‘Crap Animals’, I have complied (or stolen from the Koala Foundation website) some interesting facts about the KOALA BEAR.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580378/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><img src="http://photos23.flickr.com/25580378_37886a3a44.jpg" alt="Koala 2" height="500" width="387" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div> <div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Example of the weird two headed koala.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span><br /></span></span></div> <span><span style="font-weight: bold; color: rgb(204, 0, 0);font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Please Note: Not a single word has been altered from the original</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. They are not bears; although they are as crap as most bears (particularly our friend the Panda) they are MARSUPIALS, which means that they can carry their keys and fags in their pouch. Very handy for a night out down town.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. Koalas are mostly NOCTURNAL animals. This means that they sleep in the daytime, and move around and feed at night just like vampires and the unemployed.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">3. The male koala has a dark scent gland in the centre of his chest. He rubs this on the tree in order to mark his territory. This is known as ‘rubbing one off’, or ‘having a crafty grind'. Koalas will often become agitated or embarrassed if they are caught doing this by their mums.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">4. Koalas also communicate with each other by making a noise like a snore and then a belch, known as a "bellow" – very much like our ‘Northerner’. (or ‘Morlock’ as they are also known)</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">5. Koala young are known as 'joeys', or ‘joey deacons’ or ‘deacon’ or just simply ‘eeerrrrr’.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">6. There are about 600 varieties of eucalypts. Koalas Australia wide eat only about 120 of these. Koalas in a specific area would prefer to eat only about 4-6 different types, because they are uptight fussy little bastards who are a right fucker to cook for and are rarely appreciative of any of the effort you have gone to - often complaining that the rice is over cooked.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">7. Eucalypts (gumtrees) are both food and homes for the koalas – which Is incredibly stupid, if you think about it.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580399/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><img src="http://photos23.flickr.com/25580399_410b791834.jpg" alt="Crap animals - example" height="334" width="500" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div> <span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">8. When koalas become upset and worried ("stressed" – the sensitive souls that they are) by the loss of their homes (because they ate it, presumably) they may get " Chlamydia" or “Dirty bitchticus”</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">This is obviously a great excuse for giving someone this sexually transmitted disease.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580333/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><img src="http://photos22.flickr.com/25580333_9fb6401478.jpg" alt="Koala 4" height="334" width="500" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div> <span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">9. Probably around 100,000 koalas remain in Australia – and I have a question – were they originally the British criminal underclass, like the rest of white Australia?</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">10. They look cute, like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580392/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><img src="http://photos23.flickr.com/25580392_42f2cd9761.jpg" alt="Koala 1" height="375" width="500" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div> <div style="text-align: center;font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Ahhh, he's a cutey... bless him, I just want to give him a big cuddle.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div> <span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">So anyway, enough of the negative ninny stuff - here are my top tips for getting the Koala back in the game and stepping up the evolutionary ladder:</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">1. Eat other stuff.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Seriously, this addiction to eucalyptus was sweet to start with, but man - is that now getting old fast.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Treat yourself, have a lovely bit of pain de champagne from your local patisserie, some delicious organic butter, a couple of leaves of a sweet lettuce, couple of cherry tomatoes, a slice or two of good mature English cheddar – and bam! – Problem sorted.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">2. Don’t get so stressed out – take a Ritalin, Lustral or even dope up on some Prozac, just chill. Worrying all the time is not going to solve anything. Have you thought about getting a hobby? And before you ask - no!- picking bits of eucalyptus out of your teeth ain’t a hobby.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">3. Get rid of that cuddly bear image. It is just so 1983. What you need is to present yourself as a dangerous, territorial killer. Hire yourself some good PR people and get known. Maybe even sign up for the next Australian Big Brother. At the very least, it will be secure housing for a couple of weeks.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">If the Koala can get off its arse and make these changes then I will be the first to suggest that they are removed from Crap Animals. (into the new, sub-category ‘not quite so crap animals).</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div face="trebuchet ms" style="text-align: center;"><span><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/25580407/" title="Photo Sharing"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><img src="http://photos21.flickr.com/25580407_9b6b3bd93e.jpg" alt="Koala 6" height="291" width="345" /></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span></div> <div face="trebuchet ms" style="text-align: center;"><span><span style=";font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">"What you fucking looking at?"</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span></div> <span><span style="font-family:trebuchet ms;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">But let’s face it, these lazy shits ain’t doing squat.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"> </span><div style="text-align: center;"><span style=";font-family:lucida grande;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">Previous 'Crap Animals'</span></span><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/05/crap-animal-no35-wasp.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">No.35 The Wasp</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/04/crap-animals-no18-giant-panda_21.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">No.18 The Giant Panda</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/04/crap-animals-no-26-miniature-dachshund.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">No.26 The Miniature Dachshund</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/04/crap-animals-no47-zebra.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">No.47 The Zebra</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span><a style="font-family: trebuchet ms;" href="http://angrychimp.blogspot.com/2005/05/crap-animal-no12-human-children.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;">No.12 Human Children</span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><br /></span></span><br /></div></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-29917469396186188172008-12-21T16:12:00.002+00:002008-12-21T16:20:18.146+00:00Top 5 predictions for 2008 - RESULTS SPECIAL<span style="font-family:arial;"></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">We’re already at the end of 2008 which means it’s almost time for Angry Chimps top 5 predictions for 2009.<br /><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;"></span><span style="font-family:arial;">Before however, that it is now traditional to take a look back at last years predictions and 5 from last year and the unnerving accuracy of my predictions – here they are again;</span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><strong>1. </strong><strong>All new film releases will be ‘remakes’ (or ‘reimagining’ if you’re a gullible twat) – SPOT ON.</strong><br />In fact it turned out I was a little conservative here as most new films released in 2008 were remakes of other remakes made within the last 5 years; but I was close enough. Personally, I prefer a remake than an original piece of work – when I go to the cinema I don’t want to be ‘challenged’ by a new story or interesting new ideas, I just want more of the same, that’s why I also enjoy the work of Coldplay and the comedy of Little Britain.<br /><br /><strong>2. Everyone under the age of 25 will become a TV celebrity and feature in at least one article on E! News or Heat Magazine – ABSOLUTELY.</strong><br />Universal celebrity has become one western cultures proudest achievement this century. You remember the campaign from the 90’s right? <em>‘Leave no spoiled, self-obsessed, egotistical, morally bankrupt, whorish, talentless, vile spawn of Satan behind’</em>. Heart-warming.<br /><br /><strong>3. Nepotism would become the only requisite on Curriculum Vitae – SO TRUE.</strong><br />Let’s face it, it was about time. Why mess around with ability, skills and suitability when you can just employ the offspring of someone who had those skills –its nature NOT nurture, right? Makes me feel better knowing that everyone in business, the media and the entertainment industry has the same surname and eats at the same table at Christmas as the man or woman who had the job previously. Imagine how much harder it is to go to all the effort of auditions and castings for your new play when you can just put your daughter Keira in it instead – oh, and does he have a brother because audiences love an Affleck.<br /><br /><strong>4. Apple will release a new version of all their product range every day ensuring that you always feel ripped off - YOU BETCHYA.</strong><br />The commitment shown by the Apple corporation this year has been outstanding, even with all their dealings in stem-cell research and cloning to finally develop the iPerson (with the next version of iPerson released a week after you get yours – only this one will have a mouth that goes twice as fast) they still manage to update their entire product range almost daily. It’s marvellous, and only heartless cynics would suggest they simply hold back new features and gizmos from each subsequent release purely to get us consumer sheep to slavishly by the next iPod because it has half a gig more memory, will make you a cup of coffee in the morning, emit small puffs of sweet smelling <em>‘fresh Apple store smell’</em> and will give you a very decent neck message when you come home stressed from a hard day working for the son of the daughter of the nephew of the cousin of the man who started your company at the beginning of the quarter.<br /><br /><strong>5. The ‘End of Days’ finally came – RIGHT.</strong><br />You’ve probably already forgotten this happening. Remember back in September when the anti-Christ rose from the depth of hell and finally took control of the Earth unleashing his evil hordes to bring death, disease, pestilence and generally bad television to the world? Ironically most people didn’t notice figuring it was business as usual, and those that did applauded the fact that upon his arrival he immediately sacked Bush from office on the basis that he really didn’t need ‘evil competition’.<br /><br />So, pretty good year for my predictions – coming soon are my 2009 predictions, and as always if you have any predictions of your own please let me know.</span><br /><p><span style="font-family:arial;">I'm in Singapore today. It's clean, I like it.</span> </p><br /><br /></span>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-16353802110299053582008-06-15T10:09:00.001+00:002008-06-15T21:09:49.973+00:00Sunday movie quiz - Yep, it was FARGO<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><div>Yep - It was Fargo.</div><div><br /></div><div>And here is a clip of the scene I took it from...</div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Lucida Grande'; font-size: 10px; white-space: pre; "><object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/s3qnEEnFvrk&hl=en"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/s3qnEEnFvrk&hl=en" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="344"></embed></object></span><br /></div><div><br /></div><div>The winner is Jo who will get some rock, but due to my massive generosity the following will also be getting rock - Garfer, Sniffy and Piggy. Now I will be expecting both Sniffy and Piggy to post piccies of you both eating your rock - Garfer is exempt as I know he is camera shy. </div><div><br /></div><div>Next time the quiz will be a lot tougher. </div><div><br /></div><div>_____________________________________________</div><div><br /></div>Okay, this one went a little better. </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">A relatively straightforward quiz this - watch the clip and tell me which film it's from. Answers on a postcard please, or the comment box which will probably be much quicker. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">There is a prize this time; a lovely stick of genuine Brighton Rock - I know, right? Amazing! It does mean I'll need to walk down to the pier to get it, but never mind.</span></span></div><div><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/usrDm-oYrRY"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/usrDm-oYrRY" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">I know, more robots right?, I'm obsessed with the robots.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">..</span></span></span></p></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm a bit concerned that this is too easy, oh well, if you guys get it straight away I'll just have to make the next one much harder.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><a href="http://otterscoffer.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Garfer</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> - email me your address, you're getting a stick of rock for getting the last one correct.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">My email address is on my profile (for a bit).</span></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com20tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-79052773895254924942008-06-14T00:12:00.000+00:002008-06-14T00:17:17.040+00:00DX9878986TYNX51791b for short...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><div><br /></div>Okay, this didn't really go as well as I wanted. One of those things that you think half way through, 'I can't really be arsed with this', but by which stage I'd already put some effort in, so I figured I should finish it.<br /><br />There's numerous things wrong with it; 'suppose it's good practice.<br /><br />See what you think...<br /><br /></span></span><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZEj03t2wEjw"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/ZEj03t2wEjw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />I have a couple of other ideas I'll stick up once done... </span></span></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-64252294425736531702008-06-13T09:19:00.002+00:002008-06-13T14:10:48.921+00:00Isobel Campbell & Mark Lanegan at St Georges Rd Church, Brighton<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It certainly was the oddest venue I've been to. Literally the church just up the road. </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2574810691/" title="St Georges Road Church, Kemptown by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3273/2574810691_9be1f1d0bc.jpg" width="500" height="375" alt="St Georges Road Church, Kemptown" /></a></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Bloody bins overflowing - typical of Brighton.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Fortunately there weren't pews but actual not-that-uncomfortable chairs. But it was still a church with us parishioners faced forward toward the band who gigged in the bit that is normally reserved for the harvest festival layout and stuff - You can tell I'm clearly not a regular church goer, right? </span></span><div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I was concerned that a church would make for a shitty venue, but then I guess religious types have been swearing by churches as the go-to venue for donkeys... turns out for once they were right; the sound was actually terrific, and despite the my initial thought that the place would be bit echoey this really added to the atmosphere.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">They even served booze from a little table at the back, with the menu consisting of two types of cans of larger, bottled water and wine; red or white. Like a works do picnic. I know god goes all giggly for wine but does he dig Red Stripe larger as well? </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Very civilized. In fact, my chum that came with' said it was the most civilized gig he'd ever been to, and I agree. Everyone was seated for a start - I have never been to a seated gig before, I normally would consider this crazy behaviour, akin to moshing at an opera. But the truth is, the last few gigs I've been to this last month or so, have been murder on my pins. Sitting for the 90+ mins the pair performed was a pleasure. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The audience was made up of Brighton's most middle class, mid-30's 'but-still-think-they're-with-it's' (of which I am most definitely one), and they were as well behaved and respectful of one-another as you'd expect from such a motley bunch. Absolutely inappropriate at a gig, of course. If I'm not being constantly jostled from behind, having beer spilt on me, idiots in front pogo-ing into me and at least two occasions of me giving someone the evil-eye prior to some confrontation, I don't feel like I've been to a proper gig. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Regardless of this I thoroughly enjoyed the night. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I am definitely getting old. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell have put out two albums so far and an EP. The first album was the well received 'Ballad of the Broken Seas', and their latest collaboration is called, 'Sunday at Devil Dirt'. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Their music is a mix of country, blues and rock. Most curious indeed, and very reflective of their musical backgrounds. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Isobel is an occasional solo artist. She started with uber twee Scot rockers Belle and Sebastian as cellist, keyboard player and occasional singer. Since then she's put out a couple of country-esq discs. She was a breathy singing voice, almost dreamlike at times. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Mark is a former grunger. He was (originally) the drummer and then singer for Seattle grunge band Screaming Trees. Since they split he pursed a solo career and regularly collaborates with one of my favourite bands, Queens of the Stone Age. I saw him about a month ago with one of his side projects, The Gutter Twins (where he sings with former Afghan Whigs frontman Greg Dulli). </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Campbell and Lanegan are a combination that really shouldn't work, but it does. Lanegan's deep growling vocals, and Campbell's serene breathy singing voice, almost dreamlike at times, combine in such a beautiful way...</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here's a little taster:</span></span></div><div><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US"><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/bijdRRWV3Tg"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/bijdRRWV3Tg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It's noice isn't it?</span></span></div><div><br /></div></div></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-48891883190987255812008-06-11T17:20:00.002+00:002008-06-12T14:22:11.606+00:00Le Cochon de Bonheur: Tension dans la salle de bain 3 (NOW WITH ADDED SOUND EFFECT)<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Here it is, now partly revised, the final part in the Tension Trilogy (there will be NO more). </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Hopefully this answers some questions regarding some of the deep and meaningful stuff that came up in the previous two short movies. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">This really is my Return of the King; it's overblown, over long and by christ, it does not know when to end. </span></span></div><div><!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style="font-family:ArialMT;font-size:11.0pt;"><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSs6iPbxgj0"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/VSs6iPbxgj0" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object></span></p> <!--EndFragment--> </div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">Anyway hope you enjoy it. I'm off to see Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegen at the little Church venue 1 min from my flat. Noice. </span><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KgD-sT9rcV0"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Isobel and Mark clip here </span></span></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Enjoy. </span></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-65752532836901902922008-06-08T13:59:00.001+00:002008-06-08T14:38:01.656+00:00Revelation Choquante! (Tension dans la salle de bain 2)<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Or... My Sunday afternoon movie project. </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Enjoy...</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;">Via Flickr and then YouTube - the flickr version I think is slightly better quality.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"> </span></span></div><div><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="225" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=79102704a5&photo_id=2560485673"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235"> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=79102704a5&photo_id=2560485673" height="225" width="400"></embed></object></span><br /></div><div><br /><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/25n03EPnOGg"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/25n03EPnOGg" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object><br /></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-68238153211983835712008-06-07T16:03:00.001+00:002008-06-07T23:02:08.149+00:00Saturday afternoon movie project<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">A little film created with my digi camera and the very basic iMovie...</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; "><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="225" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=3ceda939f6&photo_id=2558862330"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235"> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=3ceda939f6&photo_id=2558862330" height="225" width="400"></embed></object><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: normal; "></span></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: normal; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">If only I had a video camera, some decent ideas, a ton of cash and my youth back.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;">And now it's on YouTube - where it looks a bit crappier.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Arial;font-size:11px;"><object width="425" height="350"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/Kxq-z3_mHbs"> <embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/Kxq-z3_mHbs" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="425" height="350"></embed> </object></span><br /></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-40122505013659884702008-06-06T15:20:00.000+00:002008-06-06T16:27:40.944+00:00101 Reason's I'm going travelling - No.1<div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:13px;">This was the most exciting part of my day: </span><br /></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><object type="application/x-shockwave-flash" width="400" height="300" data="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000"> <param name="flashvars" value="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=c4be63ce48&photo_id=2555627455"> <param name="movie" value="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235"> <param name="bgcolor" value="#000000"> <param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><embed type="application/x-shockwave-flash" src="http://www.flickr.com/apps/video/stewart.swf?v=49235" bgcolor="#000000" allowfullscreen="true" flashvars="intl_lang=en-us&photo_secret=c4be63ce48&photo_id=2555627455" height="300" width="400"></embed></object></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The fact that these aren't my eggs, this isn't my pan and that ain't my stove does not help to make this more thrilling.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">These eggs were cooked in London SE1 - which to some may seem moderately more exciting, but I'm here to tell you it ain't. South East London (like most of London) is noisy, dirty, smelly and very busy. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">To be fair to the eggs they did form part of a delicious Jabob's Cream Crackers, butter and sliced boiled egg afternoon snack combo. I washed this down with a cup of tea, with one sugar, but no biccies - boo. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I bought a little Canon Powershot in the US last year (think they're called the canon ixus here), I'm not at all a camera bod (unlike experts </span></span><a href="http://cakesniffers.blogspot.com/2008/03/new-things.html"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Sniffy</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> and my lovely pal </span></span><a href="http://edwaado.blogspot.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">edwaado</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">), however, I am very pleased with it; it's 8 mega pix which I think is noice and the little video facility isn't bad either (hence the little video, which is my first attempt to upload video to flickr and then onto the blog; this should be useful in South East Asia). </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Combined with iphoto on my macbook everything is piss easy, even for a total dobber like me. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Art</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Thinking of going along to the </span></span><a href="http://www.royalacademy.org.uk/exhibitions/summer-exhibition/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Royal Academy Summer Exhibition</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> on Monday. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tracey_Emin"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Tracey Emin</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> is curating a gallery for the exhibition and this is already getting up the noses of the mass media who gleefully vilify anything Emin does, They understandably do this for two reasons;</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">1. Emin is a clever woman.</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">2. Emin is a clever woman.</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'm very fond of Emin's work which is much more than just </span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Bed"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">My Bed;</span></span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> her monoprints from some years back are beautiful as is her photography and painting. Check out some more of her work </span></span><a href="http://www.tracey-emin.co.uk/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">here.</span></span></span></a></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">She only curates part of the Summer Exhibition, but this has been enough to rain scorn on the event; to me this is enough reason to take a trip out to see it.</span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I will of course have my ipod with me; the prospect of listening to the waffle of the other gallery goers is horrific. I'm sure they're not all hideous tossers, but I'm just not willing to take any chances. </span></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-51527112181971296792008-06-05T06:03:00.002+00:002008-06-05T15:40:52.577+00:00D'oh and a movie quiz<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Oops, didn't mean to post that, fucktard, thought I'd bashed draft. Nobber.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">See, that's the problem with doing anything early in the morning, you make mistakes, at least I do anyway. I'm not really effective until about 9 o'clock at night, and that only lasts for about 15 minutes.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Movie Quiz </span></strong></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Think it's time for a bit of movie quiz action - this isn't going to be easy peasy but this first one ain't that bad. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Here are two clues to a very popular flick - just name it.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">1. Dead monkey </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">2. "Ha, I bet you would!"</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Simply. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: medium;">Answers on a comment post please.</span></span> </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"></p><!--EndFragment-->Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-3307738007150710392008-06-04T04:53:00.000+00:002008-06-04T11:03:28.408+00:00London to Brighton: This is NOT the age of the train<p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2550989382/" title="train_wreck_at_montparnasse_1895_small by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3100/2550989382_33972ae36f_m.jpg" width="200" height="240" alt="train_wreck_at_montparnasse_1895_small" /></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:10px;"></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;font-size:10px;">End of the Brighton line</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Every other week, when the memory of my most recent drive between London Bridge and Brighton is still haunting me like the recurring nightmare of a recently deflowered socially train wrecked teenage at the hands of a toothless, scabies ridden embittered grandmother streetwalker, I decide that maybe the train would be less hassle.<br /></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It’s also not nearly as expensive.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Journey breakdown.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">CAR</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Brighton – London circa 50 miles</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Diesel = approx 10 GBP</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Congestion charge (outward) = 8 GBP (if I manage to remember to do it)</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Congestion charge (return) = 8 GBP (ditto)</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Parking (with vouchers) = 3 GBP per day</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Total cost = Stacks, like can be over thirty quid sometimes, not to mention if I manage to get clamped, which i have 3 TIMES this year, at 120 GBP a pop. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Obviously the cost can be reduced if I drive at night/ early in the morning, but seriously, who can be arsed.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Travel time = anywhere between 1.30hrs and 4hrs – honestly, when you set out on that journey it’s anyone’s guess. The only guarentee is if you set out in either direction at 11pm, in which case it can be done in 1hr 15mins.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">TRAIN</span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">For some reason I always walk to the station.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Return ticket (within one month and on any network) 25 GBP</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Travel time = </span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">30 mins walk to station</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span style="mso-tab-count:1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">1hr on the train</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span style="mso-tab-count:1"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space:pre"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">15 mins walk from station</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Wow, seems like a much better idea getting the train, right?</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Nope.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Invariably, the train is old, dirty, stinky, very noisy and clattering about. The line between Brighton and London is dreadful, probably the result of way too many fat Londoners weekend day trips.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The train ALWAYS has some drunk on it, I think this is a policy. It will also have a number of yoofs. I’m not keen on yoofs for no other reason than they are the black hearted children of Satan.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Last time I got the train a family of about 6 fat, smelly, sweaty, drunken, sun burnt, football shirt wearing, tattooed up, almost to thick to string a coherent sentence together, bulldog puppy worrying, SARF Londoners sat right next to me. They proceeded to SHOUT EVERYTHING SINGLE FING THAT CAME INTO THEIR BLACKHOLE OF A MIND, and let their tick-infested mutt snuffle around unrestrained.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Between Clapham Junction and London Bridge they decided to have an argument about something, I think maybe they were trying to remember if they were related by blood or by Fosters lager. It quickly got heated and one of them stood up and walked to the other end of the carriage continuing to hurl abuse at the rest. Lovely.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I am English, so therefore I pretended nothing was happening; I had my gort nano on loud and a copy of Edge magazine (surprisingly quality videogame monthly rag).</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Suffice to say, don’t like it.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In conclusion.</span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Avoid both London and Brighton. </span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">However, if you do need to travel, like I do to see the lovely Lou Lou (not a euphemism MJ), well, it may be a cunt in the car (it is if <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: italic;">I’m</span> driving) but at least you don’t have to share it with anyone else and you can listen to Radio 4 without someone calling you a tosser to your face.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Upon reflection...</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Christ, I hope all my travel posts from the far east aren’t as misanthropic as my UK ones.</span></span><br /></p> <!--EndFragment-->Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-47360120328363309742008-06-03T16:46:00.000+00:002008-06-03T16:55:19.149+00:00What's for dinner Meester Smeef?<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Urgh, can’t be arsed to go shopping, going to London tomorrow for a week so really no point anyway.<br /><br /><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">So, lets see what’s in the fridge…<br /></span><br />Hmm…<br /><br />A couple of manky mushrooms…<br />Half a week old packet of Feta…<br />An egg…<br />Some Parma ham (3 curly slices)<br />Slowly liquefying bag of salad...<br />Some chillies…<br />Half a broccoli…<br />Some butter…<br />Almost empty tub of Guacamole…<br />Bit of a loaf…<br /><br />So from these humble ingredients I shall be concocting this magnificent feast:</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2548773494/" title="greencurrychicken by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3145/2548773494_cda1d5ffb0.jpg" width="500" height="360" alt="greencurrychicken" /></a> </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="white-space: pre-wrap; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Is that a man in there... or something?...</span></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Wow, tell me how!<br /></span><br />It's quite straightforward as long as you follow this very simple guide.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Here’s how:</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />1. Get the best Thai takeaway menu out of the kitchen drawer where you stuff all the menus that are rammed through your letterbox every day of the week.<br />2. You’ll need a phone and a credit/ debit card. Alternatively you can use cash, but you will need to get this ready.<br />3. Phone the Thai place and order a Green Chicken Curry and some rice. I like egg-fried rice because I am a lardy bastard, you may want to try jasmine or steamed rice.<br />4. Maybe get some of those spicy prawn crackers.<br />5. Don’t order a starter, I know it’s very tempting but you just won’t finish everything and if you do you will feel bloated and be wracked with feelings of self loathing.<br />6. Here’s the important bit, speak slowly and clearly when giving your address. Remember the person on the other end of the phone may not use English as a first language, and if they miss hear you because you’re babbling away in that, ‘they should bloody well speak British as good as like what I do’ way that you do from time to time, you won’t get your Thai green curry. And in that circumstance who’s the one to lose out?<br />7. Agree a payment method.<br />8. Wait. My local Thai delivers within 20 minutes, depending on which evening it is and their proximity to you, you may be required to wait a little longer.<br />9. Once it arrives pay the fella and dish up.<br />10. Stuff your face and feel all happy as the chilli works its magic.<br /><br />Perfik.<br /><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">For pudding? Sod off, I've just bloody made dinner, sort your own pud out!</span></span></div></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-32268270006566246802008-06-02T21:29:00.003+00:002008-06-03T10:00:16.906+00:00For the love of a beautiful game No 1: REZ HD<!--StartFragment--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I’m a gamer, out and proud... </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">... and have been since my parents got me a ZX Spectrum (48K 'natch) when I was 8 or 9. Since then I’ve seen them all come and go, the Commodore 64, the Atari, Megadrive, NES, SNES, Gameboy, PS1, Saturn, Dreamcast, N64, GBA, Gamecube, PS2, DS, Xbox; and I’ve owned and still own most of these and have an antique (esq) wooden trunk full of games.</span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Currently it’s all about the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Wii </span>and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Xbox360</span>. Don’t own a <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">PS3</span> and don’t ever intend to.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I finally got onto Xbox Live at the weekend; this is basically Microsofts console server where you can download games, movies, updates, play games with others etc. </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I was after one thing <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ HD</span>. </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxst4qeK_JwGL4eS9zDCppX_3qCtDo_iOpAriHSCm_gIzCViUxS94SqCTo14TECjKPVXuOIdCCHlyE' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: left;"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> originally came out for the Sega Dreamcast in 2001 (<a href="http://otterscoffer.blogspot.com/">Garfer</a> and <a href="http://tazzyandpiggy.com/blog/">Piggy</a> already self-outed as owners; the shame of it!). The Dreamcast was a doomed console from a manufacturer that had lost sight of what had once made it great. It was also not helped by a limited and poor line up of software and very very strong competition from Sony’s marketing giant. The game itself was not a success and due to the relatively few Dreamcast owners out there it disappeared. However due to it's critical success it was deemed worthy enough for a conversion for t<span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">he Playstation 2 (I think) a year later.</span></span></span></span></span></span></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It was moderately more successful but in light of an increasing trend for ‘realistic urban/war’ games such as the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" font-weight: normal; font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Medal of Honor </span>and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Grand Theft Auto </span>series it was already somewhat of an anachronism – an on-rails shooter that last only an </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">hour where most games were trading their desireabilty on many many hours of play (anything less than 20 hours of play is still seen as a rip-off). Few could see it's true worth. </span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It again disappeared from gaming store shelves and 2</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">nd</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> hand bins, only to be found on eBay where it was changing hands (for both consoles) at only marginally less than when it was first released (albeit for an elite few, <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">an anathema for the majority of old or 2</span></span><sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">nd</span></span></sup><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> hand games).</span></span></span></span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The thing is, <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> is not just a game. When you look at the trailer you can see that it appears to be about the visual and the music, and that is the point. It’s meant to be short because it’s meant to be played in one sitting; an hour of crazy shapes and booming beats that vibrate through your hands and arms until before you know it the games over. And although it does look complicated it is in fact very simple, point and shot. </span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Just like a great album it <span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:Georgia;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" ;font-family:arial;">has fantastic replay value; something many games simply do not have.</span></span></span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It looks terrific, and sounds fantastic. I hesitate to call it art because the issue of can games be art is so tired right now, and without the appropriate distance it’s impossible to be subjective. Saying that though, I’m certain <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> will be a contender when the definitive history of the first 100 years of video gaming is written.</span></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Even better, Xbox Live has just released it as a download for only 4.00GBP and it’s in beautiful HD. The game looks absolutely phenomenal; crisp, sharp, colourful and loud. In fact the only thing to change is the HD aspect, everything else is as it was. Perfect. An absolutely bargain</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">GTA 4</span> is great, of course, and it may be a fun and bang up to date game now, but unlike <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> it just won’t be being played 8 years from when it was released; unlike <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> it will look old and yesterday.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">REZ</span> is pure gaming; fun, crazy and diverting. Sure it ain’t the real world but it has absolutely no pretense to be so.</span></span></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN-US" style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold;">Maybe next (and on a similar theme): JET SET RADIO FUTURE </span></span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></span></p> <!--EndFragment-->Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com15tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-11338425452621676962008-05-30T17:05:00.001+00:002008-05-30T18:02:11.749+00:00Murderball - movie heaven<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; ">Here's another flick that I knew about when it was released but for one reason or another I didn't get round to seeing. </span><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Like me, I know a lot of you will think from the title that this is some sort of low-rent sci-fi actiony moronathon like the remake of Rollerball or any one of a dozen films by Jean-Claudie Van the Dame and Dolph Lungdrone. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It really isn't. Take a look at the trailer - </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dybrVo185RVVB4qitseFPTV8FGxJA2M8oyadwxjE4EkmqenvdC1BHkAqLGUh78dZny8qmtB3HsvS6M' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:x-small;">Fuck messing with these guys!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I learnt more about quadriplegics from this movie than I've learnt from anywhere else; and I think a lot of the problem is that we're kinda nervous about being perceived as being nosey and also slightly horrified about what this would be like if it were us. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Murderball does go into detail about how each of the main guys wound up in a chair, and as each one talks about their individual impairment you can't help but wiggle your toes or clench your fist. It is also very frank about these guys sex lives. This kind of thing is just terrific for liberating so much irrational fear we have around any form of physical impairment.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">It's both very funny at times and genuinely touching, and not in a mawkish forced sentimental way; these guys do not want your pity and sympathy, and as </span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mark_Zupan_%28sportsman%29"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Mark Zupan</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> says, just because he's in a chair doesn't stop him being a dick and getting in your face. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">In particular the side story of a young guy who broke his spine on his trial-bike beautifully explores the very personal loss of ones old life and the start of a new one in a wheelchair. The look on this guys face when he meets Zupan and sees that the Murderball chair could be some serious fun is just phenomenal. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I'd urge all y'all to rent this, especially if you have the Lovefilm thing or similar. It's well worth a watch and you might just learn something at the same time (in a good way of course). </span></span></div><div> <br /></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-11223790887678397172008-05-28T15:05:00.003+00:002008-05-29T15:42:12.006+00:00The Black Keys - Birmingham Carling Academy<div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2533408303/" title="black keys by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2219/2533408303_ed70f4ed16_o.jpg" width="500" height="333" alt="black keys" /></a></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:medium;"><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">I've been to a</span></span></span><a href="http://www.theblackkeys.com/"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> The Black Keys</span></span></a><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"> gig before, and like seeing The White Stripes the first thing you think when they start belting out their mix of lo-fi rock/ blues is,</span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">'Wow! They make a lot of noise for just two of them'</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Funny thing is, like last time I wasn't really looking forward to the gig, but once you're half a song in they totally grab you with their sheer passion for the music. And that is the essential element for these two remarkably ordinary looking guys from Akron, Ohia, they absolutely positively look like they're doing it for nothing more than the love of the music. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Dan (guitar, vocals) and Patrick (drums) blasted though choice cuts from each of their five albums pausing only briefly for Patrick to get his breath before piling back into another riot of percussion and wailing cords. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">The lack of pretense with these two is so refreshing, that's not to say pretense in music is a bad thing, it most certainly is not, but the absence of any here just leaves the tunes to speak for themselves, and they speak real nice.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">So, if you're in the mood for some real rock/ blues to blast out on a sunday morning, or when you're driving through Tesco's carpark, these are the boys. I'd suggest you start with </span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubber_Factory"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">Rubber Factory.</span></span></a></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;">After the gig I hooned it down from Birmingham (actually Droitwich where my chum lives) to Brighton in 2hrs, which was perfect as I managed to get in 3 Black Keys albums. When I pulled up at 1am my head was ringing. Oh well. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><br /></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-78042741973766854012008-05-27T23:47:00.004+00:002008-05-28T12:36:12.158+00:00Bromyard... where's that? (Herefordshire)<div align="left"><span><span style="font-family:arial;"><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Help!!!!</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />The only bad thing so far about deciding to piss off abroad travelling like a selfish swine is the fact that you feel the need to be a tiny bit more considerate to family members in the run up to the period in which you can pretty much forget all about them, and their birthdays.<br /><br />Hence my visit north - not proper </span></span></span><a href="http://tazzyandpiggy.com/blog/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Piggy</span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span></span><a href="http://cakesniffers.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Sniffy</span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, </span></span><a href="http://spleenal.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Spennal </span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">or </span></span><a href="http://otterscoffer.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Garfer </span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">north, just north to the Midlands. I'm not sure if I'm north or south of </span></span><a href="http://theinfomaniac.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">MJ</span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">, I assume </span></span><a href="http://theinfomaniac.blogspot.com/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">MJ </span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">is somewhere quite filthy and nicely rude judging by the blog.<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Bromyard</span></strong></span></div><div align="left"><a title="ticket by angrychimp, on Flickr" href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2528977379/"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><img style="WIDTH: 248px; HEIGHT: 132px" height="129" alt="ticket" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2388/2528977379_43032b6130_m.jpg" width="240" /></span></span></a><span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span></span></span></span></span></div><div align="left"><span><span style="font-family:arial;"><span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">This left Worcester at 16:15 in 1946; arrived in Bromyard last wednesday morning.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span><br />Both my Mother and Sister (representing almost 50% of my entire family) live in a small, small, tiny, horrible, no-horse, can't even spell horse, or know what one looks like (does it look like a sheep?) town called Bromyard.<br /><br />Here's a link to the </span></span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromyard"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">wikipedia page </span></span></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">which is both brief and uninspiring.<br /><br />The bit about the Christmas lights is great, unlike the lights themselves which are okay at best. Lets face it, they are only of note because none of the surrounding towns can be arsed with lights; the main offender being Great Malvern, another small town, but of a much higher reputation which hosts a particularly shoddy display each year, honestly, it really is woeful.<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Stuffed full of booze</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />Apparently there are 60 thousand pubs in the UK for around 60 million people, which roughly means that there is 1 pub for every thousand people. Bromyard has a population of around 4 thousand, but about 20 pubs. That pretty much sums the place up.<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">'wogs!!</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />It was also the scene of the now infamous 2006 gollywog scandal, which even made national news. The general populace of Bromyard refused to bow down to 'Political correctness gone mad TM', and stood firm that the stuffed childrens doll in question which dipicits black people as generally having thick curly hair and big ruby red lips was absolutely nothing but a bit of fun and certainly not a highly offence throw back to a time of slaverly and general ignorance.<br /><br />In Bromyard there is no throw back to ignorance, they live with it every day.<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">London</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />London is considered by the average Bromyardian as a place, 'I ain't ne'ver bun to, b'hut I knows it ain't all thart. I can gets to 'ereford on the buzz, so why bozza with Lun'un?'<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Quiet and Safe</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />Saying that though, it is generally far safer than anywhere else I've been this year and much much quieter.<br /><br /></span><strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Places to visit when here</span></strong><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />For the meat scoffer, Neil Gladwins the local butcher is fantastic; stacks of great cuts, terrific pies (the steak and kidney is particularly delicious) and the tastiest Lamb chops around for many a mile.<br /><br />For the non-meat scoffer? Probably give Gladwins a miss.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> </span></span></div><div align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div align="left"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">ON ANOTHER MATTER</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> - can you lot tell me if the font size is working for you, I'm all over the place with it at the mo. </span></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10770968.post-36625143027888381872008-05-25T19:10:00.001+00:002008-05-25T19:24:20.430+00:00beautiful (and weird) photography<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I've been a fan of photographer Gregory Crewdson for a good few years now; a number of his photos have popped up on the blog over the years, including the blog header which held the fort during my absence (the naked couple on the dirty mattress). </span></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Last week I finally got to see his work up close. It was fantastic!</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">I'll be writing about it in a bit more detail tomorrow. For now please enjoy a few pieces of his most recent work.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;">CLICK TO SEE SLIGHTLY LONGER VERSIONS.</span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: arial; font-size: 13px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2521365761/" title="untitled-shane by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2392/2521365761_2836045904_o.jpg" width="500" height="324" alt="untitled-shane" /></a></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap; font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2521365473/" title="untitled-the-father by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3232/2521365473_2e47e7117b_o.jpg" width="500" height="324" alt="untitled-the-father" /></a></span><br /></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><br /></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style=" white-space: pre-wrap;font-family:'Lucida Grande';font-size:11px;"><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/angrychimp/2522186142/" title="untitled-forest-clearing by angrychimp, on Flickr"><img src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2033/2522186142_7d276df1eb_o.jpg" width="500" height="324" alt="untitled-forest-clearing" /></a><br /></span></div>Herge Smithhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15701491477498598512noreply@blogger.com4