Herge Smith - What's your problem!?!

Continuing my advice column, I have recently been written to by a chap who asked me the question;

Should I tell my mate that his girlfriend is all wrong for him?

A particularly thorny issue this one as it involves potentially the loss of a friend, especially if the comment is not welcome - which lets face it, it won't be.

So, as I see it there are two major questions you need to address from the outset;

1. Should you actually say anything at all?
2. If you decided to say something, how should you do it?

Note: Obviously this is seen entirely from the guy/mate dynamic. Speaking frankly for a moment, in my experience women seem to have much less trouble telling their friends that their choice in main squeeze is pitiful. At least it is from my point of view, on the basis that I have never had a girlfriend who had female friends that liked me or tolerated me, or even could bear to hear my name without instantly throwing up a bloodied lung sack.

1. Should you actually say anything at all?

Firstly, remember the old saying that goes something like, 'Once the cat is out of the bag it can shit just about anywhere - which is why it's best to clobber the scratty fur ball with a brick before you ditch it in the canal’.

You must consider long and hard if its worth saying anything, and then only if the following applies;

a) Your mate is about to get engaged to his girlfriend.
b) Your mate has been recently hospitalised because of his girlfriend.
c) Your mates girlfriend took an overdose the first time they argued (which as it happens was over whether to rent either Notting Hill or Amores Perros - she wanted Notting Hill of course - in which case maybe he should have waited a bit longer before calling her an ambulance.)
d) Your mate’s girlfriend has made a pass at you, at one of your other mates, at some homeless guy; at some homeless guy’s mangy mongrel called Bartok (the Third).
e) Your mate no longer pays you the appropriate amount of attention that you deserve.
f) Your mate is dating way below his potential (e.g. his girlfriend is ugly/ thick/ loud in public/ fat/ poor/ doesn't put out enough/ likes Brad Pitt over Johnny Depp)
g) Your mates girlfriend tried to harm/ kill a member of your mates family with an iron or kettle.
h) You secretly fancy your mates girlfriend, want them to break up which will hopefully drive him to suicide, allowing you to hit on her at the funeral.

If any or all situations are in progress, I suggest you immediately move onto Part 2.

If none of these are in progress then I suggest you take yourself to one side and have a word with yourself - go on, ask yourself the question;

"Is the truth of the matter that she is in fact, fine. And that it's I that has the problem here? Am I the cunt?"

N'ah, it's her. After all, you totally rule dude!

2. If you decided to say something, how should you do it?

You have to pick the right moment. Ideally this not during the Monday morning company meeting, round the table during Sunday dinner with both his and her families present, at the stag do, during your wedding reception best man speech or via an anonymous letter wrapped round a brick you threw through his lounge window after a Saturday night out on the beers - with him watching.

You need to go to a safe public place like the local boozer, over a warm pint of draft bitter (I'd suggest 'Old Monkey Blood' or ‘Shrivelled Dinkle', you may prefer 'Squeezed Aborted Foetus Ale' or 'The Curiosity of an Unexpectedly Home Early Husband' (I believe that's from that micro brewery out of Pershore again). Once all settled and warm, calmly explain that despite the fact you are probably about to ruin his entire life, you are doing it because you love him - not in a gay way of course (well unless of course it is in a gay way, which is perfectly acceptable but then you should be reading my other blog - How to tell your bezzie mate he's got a nice bum).

So here goes... take a final gulp of beer, drag from a fag (American Translation: Cigarette), maybe wink at the barmaid for good luck and dive in.

How you should say it;

"Mike, you know you and I have been friends since we were both in short trousers. We've been through a lot together, my father dying, your mother running off with her pilates teacher, my sisters problems with drugs which led to her prostituting herself in that Pop Idol contest on ITV, becoming the girl that wet herself singing an ill advised rendition of ‘Mandy’ and your dad becoming Siobhan. In a lot of ways, I'm closer to you than I am to my own bother, that is if I actually had a brother. You know you are the only guy I can urinate standing next to in the urinal, the only one Mike, the only one. So what I have to tell you now hurts me terribly to do so, like the pain we both felt coming out of the Phantom Menace. Look mate, I'm terrified that you will take it as anything other than what it is, which is a reflection of how much I care for you, your well-being and your future. But the fact is this, I feel very strongly that Maureen is not right for you, and I wanted you to hear that from someone who cares for you a great deal."

Lovely, and if he takes that the wrong way then the problem is with him.

On the other hand, this is how you should not say it;

"Mikey boy, everyone's laughing at you behind your back because you're too pig thick to see that Mo, the fat ugly cow that she is, has tricked you into marrying her. Even your mum thinks she's a cunt and so does your mums girlfriend and Siobhan. So for fucks sake, wake up and dump the whore - look here's a nice warm pint of 'Nocturnal Emission'. I promise you if you drink enough of these you'll soon be so numbed to the world and you just won't care anymore - that's the healing properties of booze for you son".

Moreover, if that doesn't work you can always just get a new mate.

There you go, another problem licked.

Next: "I have a fetish for leg warmers" We speak to fellow blogger edwaado.