Sunday, December 21, 2008

Top 5 predictions for 2008 - RESULTS SPECIAL

We’re already at the end of 2008 which means it’s almost time for Angry Chimps top 5 predictions for 2009.

Before however, that it is now traditional to take a look back at last years predictions and 5 from last year and the unnerving accuracy of my predictions – here they are again;

1. All new film releases will be ‘remakes’ (or ‘reimagining’ if you’re a gullible twat) – SPOT ON.
In fact it turned out I was a little conservative here as most new films released in 2008 were remakes of other remakes made within the last 5 years; but I was close enough. Personally, I prefer a remake than an original piece of work – when I go to the cinema I don’t want to be ‘challenged’ by a new story or interesting new ideas, I just want more of the same, that’s why I also enjoy the work of Coldplay and the comedy of Little Britain.

2. Everyone under the age of 25 will become a TV celebrity and feature in at least one article on E! News or Heat Magazine – ABSOLUTELY.
Universal celebrity has become one western cultures proudest achievement this century. You remember the campaign from the 90’s right? ‘Leave no spoiled, self-obsessed, egotistical, morally bankrupt, whorish, talentless, vile spawn of Satan behind’. Heart-warming.

3. Nepotism would become the only requisite on Curriculum Vitae – SO TRUE.
Let’s face it, it was about time. Why mess around with ability, skills and suitability when you can just employ the offspring of someone who had those skills –its nature NOT nurture, right? Makes me feel better knowing that everyone in business, the media and the entertainment industry has the same surname and eats at the same table at Christmas as the man or woman who had the job previously. Imagine how much harder it is to go to all the effort of auditions and castings for your new play when you can just put your daughter Keira in it instead – oh, and does he have a brother because audiences love an Affleck.

4. Apple will release a new version of all their product range every day ensuring that you always feel ripped off - YOU BETCHYA.
The commitment shown by the Apple corporation this year has been outstanding, even with all their dealings in stem-cell research and cloning to finally develop the iPerson (with the next version of iPerson released a week after you get yours – only this one will have a mouth that goes twice as fast) they still manage to update their entire product range almost daily. It’s marvellous, and only heartless cynics would suggest they simply hold back new features and gizmos from each subsequent release purely to get us consumer sheep to slavishly by the next iPod because it has half a gig more memory, will make you a cup of coffee in the morning, emit small puffs of sweet smelling ‘fresh Apple store smell’ and will give you a very decent neck message when you come home stressed from a hard day working for the son of the daughter of the nephew of the cousin of the man who started your company at the beginning of the quarter.

5. The ‘End of Days’ finally came – RIGHT.
You’ve probably already forgotten this happening. Remember back in September when the anti-Christ rose from the depth of hell and finally took control of the Earth unleashing his evil hordes to bring death, disease, pestilence and generally bad television to the world? Ironically most people didn’t notice figuring it was business as usual, and those that did applauded the fact that upon his arrival he immediately sacked Bush from office on the basis that he really didn’t need ‘evil competition’.

So, pretty good year for my predictions – coming soon are my 2009 predictions, and as always if you have any predictions of your own please let me know.

I'm in Singapore today. It's clean, I like it.