Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

What is going on with McDonalds marketing?

I got this through the door today...

McDonalds vocher book
What the fuck? - Are they zombies?

I realise that McDonalds are having a hard time at the moment, which makes my heart bleed, but I think this desperation has had a very detrimental affect on McDonalds marketing team.

What message is this supposed to give potential customers? Maybe it’s don't be a idiot, have a salad instead (and not from McDonalds, you fuckhead).

Mind you, with a ‘Buy one Big Mac – Get one free’ voucher, I know where I’m eating tonight.

For more on eating at McDonalds, click here.

the truth via greeting card 17 & 18

happy divorce

happy divorce him 3

Monday, June 27, 2005

Strangeways here we come - Part 2

Strangeways here we come
Strangeways here we come 4
Strangeways here we come 5
Strangeways here we come 6
Strangeways here we come 7
Strangeways here we come 8

Countdown Vorderman dies at 63 - for Whiteley...

Richard, a proper TV presenter.

Herge Smith here, with the sad news that Countdown presenter, and general 'harmless old fool' Richard Whiteley has died, aged 61.

Whiteley was very much part of the British culture of trash TV watching. Countdown being, along with Supermarket Sweep, Neighbours and now all those shows about antiques, much beloved by the sick, the unemployed, the old and Students.

Whiteley was one of the first faces we ever saw on Channel 4 in 1982 when we went from a pathetic three TV channels to a magnificent, and modern four channels.

Whiteley died of pneumonia, which I think he would have been pleased with, as it was a nine-letter word (sorry Andy, couldn't resist using it again.)

I think I've probably used Whiteley in a spite- fueled blog in the past, but I think it's this particular classic that is most inappropriate today.

So here it is, reprinted in all it's glory - and in it's original font. (For our foreign friends, Vorderman is the co-presenter on the show Whitley hosted).

Vorderman at last years 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit

TV Presenter Carol Vorderman, best known as the 'thinking man's crumpet', died late last night in Caterham General Hospital, it was announced today.

Vorderman was 63.

The 'brainy' presenter died of stephacockaliticus, a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Dr Heinrich Dietz, speaking this morning at a press conference held at Caterham Hospital, suggested that it was likely Vorderman contracted the condition whilst appearing on ITV's 'Celebrity Jungle Hunt' programme.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt is an extreme reality television game show which features 'washed up' or 'has been' ex-celebrities, performing a number of hazardous and life threatening tasks in the depths of the Australian Outback.

On Tuesday, Vorderman retired early from the show after complaining of persistent neuralgia. She soon became violent ill, forcing the shows production company, Lowlife, to fly her back to the UK for immediate medical treatment.

Vorderman subsequently lapsed into a coma on Wednesday evening, from which she unfortunately never recovered.

Vorderman began her TV career as the, 'words and number girl' for Channel 4's long running 'super dull' quiz programme, Countdown. Her innate ability to string a coherent sentence together, and lean forward enough, whilst selecting letters, to reveal her ample cleavage, lent Vorderman a degree of notoriety.

Vorderman gets stuck, again

She soon became a household name following her high profile romance with US 'rock-hunk' Lenny Kravitz. Their relationship lasted 4 years only ending when Kravitz was eventually deported back to the United States, for music related crimes.

In 1999, when she was already 56, Vorderman was on the verge of being signed to present the smash hit reality TV show, "Big Brother".

However, she became dogged by press allegations that she had appeared in a number of 'inter-species' pornographic features, including the now notorious 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Tumbledown farm'.

Although Vorderman never publicly denied her involvement in the features, she did attempt to justify it by claiming the films had ‘eductional’ value.

In light of the allegations made against Vorderman, Channel 4 decided they needed a more 'respectable' public face for their Big Brother show, which lead them to hire ex-heroin addict, Davina FuCall.

Vorderman's TV career never fully recovered from this public rejection and she soon lapsed into alcoholism and heavy drug use.

Vorderman 'smacked up' on Countdown

It was whilst in a rehabilitation clinic on the Isle of Dogs, that she met David Lean, producer of Celebrity Jungle Hunt.

Lean was so impressed by Vordermans obvious desperation to regain the spotlight, that he immediately signed her for the second series of the controversial gameshow.

Interviewed recently about her involvement in Celebrity Jungle Hunt, Vorderman remarked;

"I see this as an entirely new chapter in my life. I am for the first time in years, excited about the future. It's like being reborn", she said.

Voderman is survived by 4 consonants from the top and middle row, and a vowel.

Missing scenes from Star Wars No.9

Missing Scenes from Star Wars  No 9

the truth via greeting card 16

Happy birthday last

Saturday, June 25, 2005

Interview: Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking! - REDUX

bliss cover
Bliss Magazine: A common sense guide to kiddie sex?

Bliss magazine, the self proclaimed ‘sex manual for pre-teens’ is once again at the centre of a row concerning two articles it recently published entitled, “Is it ever too early?” and “An A to Z of UK Abortionists”.

Parent and teacher groups around the country are outraged at what they see as the magazines continual promotion of underage sex.

The national PTA suggest that the publication is solely to blame for the boom in underage pregnancies, or ‘buns before bleeding’ as its become more commonly known.

Angry Chimp has secured an exclusive interview with Helen Jenkins, Editor of the Bliss magazine since Jan 2005.

AC: Can you tell us who publishes Bliss Magazine?

HJ: Bliss is published bi-weekly by Paul Raymond publications.

AC: Is that the same Paul Raymond Publications that is best known as a filth peddler?

HJ: If you mean publisher of adult focused literature, yes.

AC: Is it appropriate that the same publisher of porn should publish magazines for children?

HJ: Bliss is not aimed at children.

AC: Isn't it?


AC: The who is Bliss aimed at?

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: And what age group do you believe that to be?

HJ: Girls from 8 upward.

AC: 8 year old girls who are sexually active?

HJ: Look, you need to understand that girls today mature at a much faster rate than they did when we were younger.

AC: And why is that?

HJ: Why is what?

AC: Why do girls mature much faster these days?

HJ: I believe it is because there is much more sexually focused material aimed at their age group.

AC: But doesn’t that mean that magazines like Bliss are to blame for pulling back the latency period?

HJ: These are not necessarily lesbians.

AC: No that’s not what latency period means...

HJ: Because we do have a magazine aimed at pre-teen lesbians called, ‘My special girl’.

AC: Sounds charming. Do you believe that Bliss is to blame for sexualising pre-teen girls?

HJ: I don’t think blame is appropriate, it’s not like we are doing anything wrong.

AC: You promote underage sex, which is illegal.

HJ: Only in this country, besides I certainly don’t believe you can accuse us of ever promoting underage sex.

Sex with old men
Bliss: Out of control?

AC: What about this article, ‘Underage sex - why wait?’.

HJ: I think if you read that article more closely you’ll find that it’s actually a balanced argument for not rushing into sex.

AC: Well as a matter of fact I have read it and if I may quote a bit, ‘There’s nothing more exciting than rushing into it, so just lay back, open your legs and think of your favourite pop star, the pain will end as quickly as he will’.

HJ: See that’s taken completely out of context.

AC: What? That is entirely the context. How about this article, ‘Holding off puberty through dieting’.

HJ: Well that’s hardly promoting sex is it? Unless you think puberty is sexually focused.

AC: I hadn’t finished, the article argues that you should hold off puberty by starving yourself, because, and I quote again, ‘Sex before puberty is almost guaranteed to mean you can have protection free sex and not risk getting knocked up’.

HJ: Look, the fact of the matter is more and more kids are having sex, we just provide a reliable source of important information for them.

AC: Oh right, such as, ‘Anal sex: it’ll keep him keen”.

HJ: A first time relationship is very character defining, it’s important the kids get impartial advice.

AC: Oh yes, great relationship advice, like this article, “Hit me baby one more time”. Which suggests that violence amongst teenage couples only occurs when the girl is a, and I’m quoting again, “a frigid, uptight little Christian bitch.” What kind of message is that?

HJ: That was just one article, and it was almost certainly satirical.

AC: But you aim this at Kids.

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: Yes, whatever, the point is do you honestly believe that your readership will understand such articles are satire?

HJ: We never patronise our readership.

AC: Right. Anyway, the point it this, if you didn’t publish this magazine, and TV shows didn’t sexualise kids, and younger and younger pop stars didn’t sing about shagging, then kids wouldn’t be having as much underage sex as they currently do. Do you agree?

HJ: Absolutely not! Kids have always experimented in sex from a young age.

AC: But ten years ago the average age for a girl to lose her virginity was 16. It’s 13 now. Boys are down from 17 to 14.

HJ: So?

AC: So, if your magazine promoted drug use just as hard as it promotes sex then drug use amongst teens and pre-teens would have soared.

HJ: Drug use is soaring in this country amongst teens and pre-teens.

AC: Okay, bad example, but the point remains you aim this magazine at children, encouraging them to have sex but take no responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

HJ: For fuck sake, we’re here to sell glossies not act as sodding social workers.

AC: Why do you think parents and teachers are so enraged by your most recent articles?

HJ: Because they are totally out of touch with their children and they can’t handle the fact that we act as more of a role model than they do.

AC: Can I ask you do you have children of your own?

HJ: Hardly, I’m only 14, you fucking pervo.

AC: Blimey, you look a lot older than that.

HJ: You dirty old sod, you should be locked up for talking to a minor about drugs and bum sex.

Angry Chimp ended the interview there, giving Helen a fiver for a Mars bar and a pack of ciggies.

For an alternative perspective on modern youth, be sure and read the fair and balanced
article at Cakesniffers entitled ‘Lock ‘em all up!’

Missing scenes from Star Wars No.6 - Now in WIDESCREEN

Missing Scenes from Star Wars  No6

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 25/06/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 25/06/05

we love each other 250605
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Honestly, I am so close to getting a gun

Justin Coombes & Nemonie Roderick

Justin I was sitting by myself in the second row from the back. It was my favourite spot for a bit of flick flopping. It was that scene where the plumber comes round and she is only wearing panties. I was half done when she sat next to me. I expected her to scream or hit me like a lot of them do, but instead she just joined in. We still go to the cinema atleast once a week

Nemonie I wash his mac constantly, but it is such a difficult stain to remove. I never ask where he goes of an evening; I do not think he would tell me if I did. He did once say that it is never in front of dirty little fish that did not ask for it. He always gets a bit twitchy when Crimewatch is on. He does not need to worry; I would never turn him in. Craig Taylor

And here's more of the same, so enjoy...


Missing scenes from Star Wars No. 5

Missing Scenes from Star Wars  No5

the truth via greeting card 13

New Baby - better than

the truth via greeting card 12

coming out boys