Monday, June 13, 2005

UK Prime Minister punches US President: REDUX

ramsey 1
The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush. Just moments after the two world leaders met Ramsay ‘laid out’ President Bush in a single punch.

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations since the American War of Independance, yesterdays incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to remark made by Bush, when he described Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt one”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “He knows where to find me.”

President Bush and his team immediately flew back to The United States, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm,

“America is simply not liked in the world anymore, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef himslef, put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey faced puppet the Neo Cons installed in the White 'ouse. 'Im and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was as sweet as a nut.”

Bush post blow
Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons. However, in another shocking turn of events, Ramsay actually faced a standing ovation from the entire house.

“It was like that scene in that movie, Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp that retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I 'ad 'it 'im, especially when 'e asked why France was so gay. Bless Monsieur Ramsay, 'e 'as made a strike for the world”.

Zeth Mongoloid, of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

Ramsay goes to Chimpywood
Re-released this week, to cash in, obviously...


Karen said...

as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat

Heh heh! Great story, Herge!

Faltanus said...

This actually happened in some alternative universe in some other dimension. So I only have 2 questions.

1. Herge, how do you get access to press releases from that alternative universe?


2. Is it possible to travel (relocate) to that alternative unvierse?

chris said...

otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem

Good ole Condi.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Herge, you are brillant. I am still laughing! No really.... BRILLANT.

Sniffy said...

I'm still laughing from the first time I saw it. Zeth Mongoloid. Lillie Lipgay. Superb.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Guess you're smarter than me, Tina (no real surprise there). I don't get those references.

Herge, have you considered submitting to The Funny Times? I think this piece would fit in rather well with the kind of work they publish. You can check 'em out at if you're interested

Sniffy said...

I just thought the names were funny, Lisa. That's all.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Oh, okay... good, then I did get it after all.

Spot on, Herge, funny stuff.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Is it true that the police don't carry guns in the UK?

Herge Smith said...

Faltanus -

1. Yes.
2. Sadly, it's one way traffic...

Lisa - Yes, our coppers typically don't carry guns. They get guns on very special occasions only - if they've been really good. We don't have a gun culture at all - it's still quite rare for shootings etc - we have around 80-90 deaths through firearms each year - Canada is lower I think and you guys...

Well... you have around 12000 or close to that.

You guys just love to kill each other.

We do have a high proportion of stabbing though...

Spirit Of Owl said...

"...jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth...”
Buwahaha! I nearly had an egg!

Lisa from Alaska said...

See, stabbing... now that takes balls. Anyone can stand way off in the distance and fire a gun but it takes a whole lot of nerve to get an arm's length away to put a hurt on someone.