Chris Martin, Singer of Coldplay dies aged 38 ¾

Guess which cock is Martin.

It has revealed today that Chris Martin, the mild singer of super group Coldplay, was this morning found dead in the bathroom of his North Peckham flat. The ‘oh so’ sensitive singer was discovered by wife and movie star Gwyneth Paltrow. It is suspected that Martin died of ‘ennui’. A condition that recently claimed the life of ‘wilting yet insightful’ singer, Dido.

Martin was 38 ¾ years young.

Chris Martin shot to fame when he was linked to ‘beautiful and intelligent’ as she, herself puts it, Gwyneth Paltrow (daughter of deceased, and equally pretentious, producer/ director, Bruce Paltrow). Martin and Paltrow quickly became the hottest, and most ‘thoughtful’ couple in the pages of celebrity gossip papers Punch and Private Eye.

However, despite often attending premiers, making sure they were seen out and about Peckham (the trendiest area of London, populated by artists, musicians, actors and scientists) and frequently taking part in interviews for Television and Fashion Magazines, the couple bitterly complained about the invasion of their privacy.

We need more magazines like this.

The situation came to ahead in March this year, when Martin made a plea to an audience at Earls Court to try not to look at him too much, explaining that it upset him and made him nervous.

The pressure of fame and his innate sensitivity was foremost in Martins mind. During the now infamous interview with Angry Chimp, in September 2004, Martin broke down when he recounted a tail of the day he hit a ‘bunny rabbit’ in his Range Rover.

“I went through some heavy duty analysis after I murdered that poor innocent creature, I thought I was coping with it… but the pain just keeps coming back”. Martin said.

He went on to explain that he often thought of quitting the music scene, which he found ‘wrenching’ at times, “Especially with the honesty, and raw emotions I expose”.

Unfortunately, Martin found himself in a ‘logic trap’, which forced him to keep performing, “I want to quit because of the pain it causes me, but then to deny the general public of the glorious, healing, sweet sweet sound of Coldplay would also cause me great pain. I can’t have an act so selfish on my conscience, so I keep going, like a true hero”.

A great album, if you're deaf.

Coldplay is the brainchild of pop svenghai, Peter Waterman. Waterman created Coldplay along with Snow Patrol, Keane and Doves, the bands that formed the backbone of what Waterman would often describe as ‘Dinner Core’, manufactured dinner party music with a sensitive hardcore and contrived authenticity.

“Your average Martin Middleclass, or Laura Lemon Grass doesn’t want to listen to music that’s overly complicated” Waterman explained, “they want music that can play quietly in the background when they discuss with their lawyer and teacher friends, which is the best school for their children. They then want that music to be playing on the advert for their new Audi. That’s what Coldplay and the rest of ‘Dinner Core’ bands give them”.

Paltrow, and the daughter she shared with Martin, named End World Debt Martin-Paltrow, are currently staying with relatives. Paltrow is reported as ‘distraught’, especially as she will now need to find a new celebrity boyfriend to parade around like an accessory.

Hey, Y'all middleclasses, this is the one you want.

Coldplay are set to headline The Glastonbury Festival, sponsored by The Literary Review, as well as embarking on a world tour to promote their new album ‘T&A’. Bassist, Guy Berryman, speaking to Angry Chimp this afternoon, suggested that the death of Martin might not rule out these appearances.

“We can always get a large, lanky piece of MDF, that should do the job replacing Chris” Berryman said, before adding “As long as we paint it beige, with organic emulsion, that is”.