Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Chris Martin, Singer of Coldplay dies aged 38 ¾

bland aid
Guess which cock is Martin.

It has revealed today that Chris Martin, the mild singer of super group Coldplay, was this morning found dead in the bathroom of his North Peckham flat. The ‘oh so’ sensitive singer was discovered by wife and movie star Gwyneth Paltrow. It is suspected that Martin died of ‘ennui’. A condition that recently claimed the life of ‘wilting yet insightful’ singer, Dido.

Martin was 38 ¾ years young.

Chris Martin shot to fame when he was linked to ‘beautiful and intelligent’ as she, herself puts it, Gwyneth Paltrow (daughter of deceased, and equally pretentious, producer/ director, Bruce Paltrow). Martin and Paltrow quickly became the hottest, and most ‘thoughtful’ couple in the pages of celebrity gossip papers Punch and Private Eye.

However, despite often attending premiers, making sure they were seen out and about Peckham (the trendiest area of London, populated by artists, musicians, actors and scientists) and frequently taking part in interviews for Television and Fashion Magazines, the couple bitterly complained about the invasion of their privacy.

smug fucks
We need more magazines like this.

The situation came to ahead in March this year, when Martin made a plea to an audience at Earls Court to try not to look at him too much, explaining that it upset him and made him nervous.

The pressure of fame and his innate sensitivity was foremost in Martins mind. During the now infamous interview with Angry Chimp, in September 2004, Martin broke down when he recounted a tail of the day he hit a ‘bunny rabbit’ in his Range Rover.

“I went through some heavy duty analysis after I murdered that poor innocent creature, I thought I was coping with it… but the pain just keeps coming back”. Martin said.

He went on to explain that he often thought of quitting the music scene, which he found ‘wrenching’ at times, “Especially with the honesty, and raw emotions I expose”.

Unfortunately, Martin found himself in a ‘logic trap’, which forced him to keep performing, “I want to quit because of the pain it causes me, but then to deny the general public of the glorious, healing, sweet sweet sound of Coldplay would also cause me great pain. I can’t have an act so selfish on my conscience, so I keep going, like a true hero”.

Shitchutes
A great album, if you're deaf.

Coldplay is the brainchild of pop svenghai, Peter Waterman. Waterman created Coldplay along with Snow Patrol, Keane and Doves, the bands that formed the backbone of what Waterman would often describe as ‘Dinner Core’, manufactured dinner party music with a sensitive hardcore and contrived authenticity.

“Your average Martin Middleclass, or Laura Lemon Grass doesn’t want to listen to music that’s overly complicated” Waterman explained, “they want music that can play quietly in the background when they discuss with their lawyer and teacher friends, which is the best school for their children. They then want that music to be playing on the advert for their new Audi. That’s what Coldplay and the rest of ‘Dinner Core’ bands give them”.

Paltrow, and the daughter she shared with Martin, named End World Debt Martin-Paltrow, are currently staying with relatives. Paltrow is reported as ‘distraught’, especially as she will now need to find a new celebrity boyfriend to parade around like an accessory.

T&A
Hey, Y'all middleclasses, this is the one you want.

Coldplay are set to headline The Glastonbury Festival, sponsored by The Literary Review, as well as embarking on a world tour to promote their new album ‘T&A’. Bassist, Guy Berryman, speaking to Angry Chimp this afternoon, suggested that the death of Martin might not rule out these appearances.

“We can always get a large, lanky piece of MDF, that should do the job replacing Chris” Berryman said, before adding “As long as we paint it beige, with organic emulsion, that is”.

49 comments:

Sniffy said...

Hit the nail on the head big time with that one.

What you say about background music to dinner parties and Audi/school discussions is so true it's scary.

I hate Coldplay and Keane and Travis, it's all fucking middleclass (as you put it)"Dad rock". Actually, Dad rock is more like Genesis, Rolling Stones and shit like that. I guess Coldplay, Travis, Keane and the like are for people of my age who really don't know where they fit in. Too old for dance music and rap and too young/not knowledgable enough for classical. Unless it's those classical "compilations" that just show the listener to be an uneducated, pleb.

Not that I'm a snob or anything.

I guess that's why we should all be thankful for Madonna and Anastacia. Although I end up listening to shit like Morcheeba and Sneaker Pimps alot; they tend to be quite good for filling that sort of 30-something gap. Lemon Jelly and Mint Royale are pretty good too. Not forgetting good old Tori Amos of course.

Sniffy said...

Oh and a PS on this one.

I'm also a huge fan of the B52's, have been for years. I subscribe to a yahoo group e-mail listing and a band called Lori has been recommended because they sound as if they're heavily influenced by the B's. If you're interested, you can stream their album for free at:
http://www.lorirocks.com/hallelujah_stream.html.

Coldplay are still complete and utter wank.

For pretentiousness though, can anybody really beat Bono? He makes my skin crawl.

Steve Dix said...

I bet your mate Dave's a big fan.

Kenny said...

Herge. I looked in my tealeaves this morning and I predict you will be commemorating the over-rated life that was Michael Owen's. In the not too distant future, if you know what I mean. I've already started writing the eulogy.

Herge Smith said...

Tina - not so sure about the B52's but I do love Lemon Jelly and Sneaker Pimps. Sadly I feel Morcheeba were once the poster children for middle class dinner party music - they had the trend set by Portishead. (not that I dislike these bands, I'm just saying is all).

Travis!! damn forgot to slate those useless fuckers as well - also Elbow - another bunch of tits.

I'll give Lori a go - tar

The band y'all MUST listen to is The Arcade Fire - they have created the best album of the year so far - Funeral, and are without doubt the best live band I have ever seen - and I've been to a lot of gigs.

Steve - damn right he is, but only because Coldplay have an inner integrity that a lot of less 'middleclass' bands don't have.

Andy - thanks for the tip - I am taking recommendations, so will defo put that one in the pot for cooking up later.

Connie said...

Chris and Dido death by ennui... haha that was good.

Keane are definetly crap. It's quite funny because despite being superstars in Europe, Travis and Keane are literally nonexistant over here in North America. Coldplay are popular but considered strictly girl music . The big redneck Canadian boys don't listen to that crap. They listen to the crap which is Nickelback.

Connie said...

OOOOH Herge, good call! Arcade Fire are wonderful... (and Canadian as well!) If you like that you must listen to "Broken Social Scene" and "Stars" too.... and while we are on the fabulous Montreal Scene, check out "The Stills" as well.

P.S. From another persons comment list (i can't recall whose) I remember you mentioning "The Kills" - I love the song "Fuck the People"...I usually listen to it on the ride into work.... gets me in the right frame of mind.

Sniffy said...

Wasn't Angry Chimp supposed to be going to an Arcade Fire concert recently, but fucked it up completely and ended up seeing Elaine Page or somebody instead?

Herge Smith said...

Connie - Just been listening to the Kills bizarrely - on the way back from the vets (dog making great progress btw - not walking yet, but get there). Have you got the second album? Tis, good - I saw them in Brum a couple of months ago - I'm telling you man, Alison is one hot fox! I'll have a look into the bands you mention - you must also check out The Dears they're from Montreal as well, I believe - they are fabulous. Both my fav bands at the min are Canadian - weird huh?

Tina - tis all true, did get to see Arcade Fire in the end, and let me tell you, it was worth all the hassle, they were wonderful, truly amazing - even better than when I saw the Pixies (the band, not my dog).

Connie said...

I've not yet bought the newest album but I have heard "The Good Ones" and "Love is a Destroyer"... Excellent stuff.
I actually am quite familiar with "the Dears" - they are alright, it just sorta bugs me the way he has this Morrissey-type drawl sometimes. it just seems like a bit of a ripoff sound to me.
"Lost in the Plot" is a good song without a doubt.
I saw the Pixies last year as well. I still have a crush on Kim Deal even if she is an old bag now.

Ship Creak said...

You make a lot of good points here, Herge. I'm impressed that you held off the "prog rock" and blues stuff that you know forms a large part of my own eclectic tastes.

But then for all I know you have that written up already, with my name on it.

Herge Smith said...

Connie - when you get past the Moz thing, y'man Murray sounds wonderful - I had a little chat with him after the gig in Brighton, he's a gentleman.

As for Kim Deal, she is double top no.1 super cool, the coolest ever. My only real rock hero - Black Francis, whatever - his solo stuff was not that great, but Kim!!! oh man - The Breeders, 3 fabulous albums (Pod is my most favourite album) and then the Amps, pretty cool. Plus, she was super hot when she was a chick, and a twin sister, who also rocked out.

Ship Creak - Prog rock is beyond parody, hence my lack of need to mock it. C'mon boy, you know my feelings on this, quite clearly.

Connie said...

Breeders are the Best! Everytime i hear Cannonball... the opening bass line...ahhh thoughts of youth and fun times!
Herge you are my hero now.

Herge Smith said...

awwwoooowww awwwoooowww awwwooooowwww

Spitting in a wishing well... blown hell, crash, I'm the last splash.

I know you the lord of the deep, I know your a real coo coo....

Blew to hell, coo coo, canonball...

Hey now, in the shade...

Etc.

Yeo, could say I'm a fan.

Sniffy said...

There's a kind of special bond here between you and Connie. It's a beautiful thing to behold.

It's wonderful how the untimely death of a celebrity lets people open up to their emotions and let the love in.

Keep it real, folks.

Herge Smith said...

Tina, no such thing as an untimely death of a celebrity. All celebrity deaths are timely.

Lisa from Alaska said...

... and if not timely, extremely anticipated by the masses

Lisa from Alaska said...

I really have no idea what you and the lovely Connie are carrying on about but I find your enthusiasm completely charming.

I personally listen to the crap of all music, hip-hop. Love the stuff, and can't get enough of it even though I know for the most part it's garbage... In my defense, it's damn sexy garbage and when I'm dancing to it with my friends at the club, I can make a grown man cry.

Herge Smith said...

Lisa, why do they cry? Is it out of symmpathy? Did you have Polio as a child?

Only joking.

Girls cry when I dance, well, not so much cry as piss themselves laughing.

Karen said...

Coldplay are popular but considered strictly girl music . The big redneck Canadian boys don't listen to that crap. They listen to the crap which is Nickelback.

Connie, that is SO TRUE about Nickelback!

I like pop/crap music. I redeem myself by being an opera diva's girlfriend.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Herge, they weep soulful tears of joy at the sheer poetry that is my movement, and bitter tears of longing for they know that I am a free bird and their love for me will always be unrequited. I am too beautiful, too wild, too passionate to even be owned...

...nah. Ususally they cry cause I've either stepped on their foot, or made fun of them in front of their friends.

Connie said...

"I am too beautiful, too wild, too passionate to even be owned..."

Lisa... that line is great!... my mission for this week is to try and find a perfect time to use it myself....

And ladies, from now on, if the topic is music, don't even TRY to get in our way!! ;)

I'm feelin' the love.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Thank you, Connie! I meant to say "ever be owned" instead of even, but it works either way.

Btw, I kinda figured out Flickr...

Rowan said...

Totally unrelated topic, but wondered whether you'd be interested in doing "ask me any question?"

Connie said...

Oh yes Herge do the question game!!!!

Lisa from Alaska said...

Yes! Herge, oh please, oh please, oh please!

**just in case you didn't recognize it, that was the sound of a woman begging.**

Herge Smith said...

Hey ladies, I'm quite used to the sound of ladies being, as in

"Oh herge stop, stop stop.... that's really starting to piss me off"

I will do one, probably at the weekend, when I can be on hand to answer any questions.

If you feel like asking now, go for it and I'll use them when we get the blog rolling.

Thanks y'all.

Sniffy said...

Rowan meant to check out her ask her a question at her blog.

Herge Smith said...

Listen to the voice of the cakesniffer and ask questions at;

Ask Rowan a question

Go on...

Lisa from Alaska said...

Already done! No prompting needed.

Btw, Herge, I've shown you mine, won't you show me yours... your picture that is. Apparently there is a rather smoldering photo of you and Dixon somewhere on your blog. As your blog is often filled with things that would guarantee a reprimand from the HR director, could you please tell me where I might find said picture?

Sniffy said...

Herge will knock you off your feet Lisa, he's extremely handsome.

Herge Smith said...

Tar Tina, but hmmm... not so sure about that.

Pixie is just as cute in real life (Dixon). She had a bath this evening and now she smells as sweet as a field of roses.

Sniffy said...

Well Herge, take it from me. When I saw that pic I thought, Oi oi! And when my sister saw it, she went all wet in a girly place (she told me) and she said WOW!

Oh, I'm referring to you, not Pixie. When my friend (with the new baby) saw her picture and heard her tale of woe, he was very sympathetic and he said "awwww, poor little thing".

Herge Smith said...

Ah, she is a poor little thing, that thinks she can piss ANYWHERE she wants because she has no bladder control.

Well, the vet informed me today that she has had bladder control for a while now which simply makes her....

.... a very naughty dog.

Shucks, that's just an ok picture of me. Normally I look like Joan Cusack in photos. Tar very muchly.

Sniffy said...

Exactly! John Cusack is extremely Oi oi in my book! A friend of mine thought you looked a little like him that played Tom Quinn in Spooks too.

IllustrationStudent said...

Hey in defense of Keane... which I'm definitely going to get flamed for!
Fair enough for your generation it sucks... but for us that have been stuck with the likes of spice girls, rubbish rap and soulless puppets miming along to music that sounds like something they got of keyboard demos! Its music from ACTUAL BANDS, (as in the sense of people who play instruments, not the tone death eye candy of the Britney spears era) they are a breath of fresh air!!!
And seeing as I don’t own an Audi (because I've yet to learn to drive) and am too young to have kids, I like to listen to Keane and snow patrol as background noise as I paint and draw, okay its not amazing but its great chill out stuff and as for dad rock? Last time I checked its something more students my age listen to! Plus what is wrong with middle class?! You can’t help how you were raised!!!

But anyway, just a few points to consider as the previous comments seemed very one sided.

Sniffy said...

Hey student, you won't get flamed unless you do/say something much worse than that!

There's plenty of really good stuff to listen to out there, it's just a shame that you haven't found it yet. I suggest you go and get yourself a copy of "Becoming X" by Sneaker Pimps and try to find some stuff by Mint Royale too (they have an album called Dancehall Places). I can't vouch for the stuff that Herge and Connie were on about, it's probably shit, but I'm going to check it out and see what it's like.

You can't really believe that Keane and Snow Patrol symbolise music for your generation?

When I was a student, we had Stone Roses, Happy Mondays, Charlatains, Pop will eat itself, and I can't remember any of the other stuff. Dance crap I think. But ask us now what we REALLY wanted to listen to but were too ashamed to and we'd (I'd) tell you Wham!, Madonna and Duran Duran.

There's nothing wrong with being middleclass - be who you are, but some people simply "exist" to BE middleclass and fulfil all the stereotypes.

Herge Smith said...

Hey, Illustration Student, thanks for popping by and leaving a good comment - Not that I agree, but tar anyway.

I'm kinda with Tina on this one when i say keane, snow patrol, athelte and other dirge, although modern music, really aren't the kinda tunes that young uns' like you need to set your belly on fire and make you go mental - there is a fucking truck load of brilliant bands and music makers around right now that do more than 'easy listening'- including; Arcade Fire, The Dears, M83, Secret Machines, Kasabian, Soulwax, The Go! Team, Le Tigre, Kaiser Chiefs, Controller Controller, Baby Shambles, The Kills, QOTSA, etc etc etc...

My point about Keane etc... is that they are ONLY background music, and they make albums which people in their 40's feel comfortable buying when they make their once every half year shop to Virgin. The only students that listen to this are very unadventurous ones who only listen to what PR companies spoon feed them.

Like everything, music, books, movies, clubs, EVERYTHING - the really great stuff is out there, you just got to look a tiny bit harder to find it.

I suggest a lovely bit of M83 first album for your drawing and painting background music - cause don't forget, what you listen to as you create will, in a very subconcious way effect your work.

As for what's wrong with the middle class? - Fuck, there's a million reasons, and all of which I continually chip away at in this blog. (I'm a middle class wanker myself, hence the self loathing).

Again, you are most welcome, and your right, it's great to have an alternative opinion.

Hey - you should get blogging.


Tina - cheers matey, all good points as always.

illustrationstudent said...

Lol I love a good debate :)
Never said that they symbolized my generation, I just said that although you dislike them they are finding a place amongst the student CD collections, and I do agree with you that there are far better things out there, but I think its a shame to write them of completely because they are diving board for the musically starved who have been raised on pre packaged pop, its because of the likes of Keane that I discovered other bands exist outside the sphere of mass media music, because believe it or not my music and listening habits do consist of a lot more than Keane.
As for “The only students that listen to this are very unadventurous ones who only listen to what PR companies spoon feed them."
For starters I'm not into Pop culture or society, I don’t like what people tell me to like, I only like things because they appeal to me on some psychological level, and just because I listen to Keane doesn’t mean Its the only music I listen to Oh Contraire Because in response to the "it's just a shame that you haven't found it yet" comment I have to say Yes I have found it, I have bought it, I have listened to it and I do love it! This includes Lemon Jelly, Soulwax, Kaiser Chiefs, The Kills, as well as Idle Wild, Boards of Canada (You guys should check that one out) The Thrills, Metisse (Absolutely gorgeous wish they did a CD) The Smiths, Bloc Party, Eels, Cake, The Bravery, Claire Nicolson's Common star, Who killed the Zutons, Ashe, The Shins, Turin Brakes, Supergrass, Death Cab for Cutie, The Dandy Warhols, ELO (don't ask, just blame my parents) Charlotte Hatherly, Grandaddy and far many more whose names escape me... oh yeah and sound tracks from 28 Days later and Amelie as they both had pretty unique music.

Thanks for recommending Kasabian and Sneaker Pimps they sound intriguing I will check them out.

Fair point about the Middle class.

As for looking for other good stuff, books movies ect… that’s why I’m an Illustration student, we are curious by nature I am inspired by hundreds of visual and literary references, (most of it currently residing under my bed, As I used to tell my mum Its not junk its Gold) I Will watch anything and every thing when it comes to movies, prefer the unique and one of films to the main block busters, there has been some great foreign films lately. Same with books very eclectic taste, From “Bound feet and western dress” Historical Biographical on a heavy day to David Edding’s and Frank Herberts fantasy on a whimsical day to Tom Holt and Terry Prattchet’s humor on a light hearted day, but I really HATE the Harry Potter culture, there are far better authors out there!

Blah I always go on, I talk like this in person too! its terrible… that’s why I should never do a blog once I started outpouring I would never stop!
But anyways its been fun debating with you guys, I will stop invading your board now and go do a search for those bands you suggested.

P.S. Kinda random but speaking of the The Go! Team one of my Uni tutors did the Illustration for the CD cover, badges etcetera, her names Kerry she's a good teacher.

Sniffy said...

I've got some Boards of Canada stuff, it's OK.

How about Fantastic Plastic Machine?

Herge Smith said...

The Student - good answer - you are most welcome here, anytime.

I have one request though, please tell your tutor, Kerry that her work for Thunder, Lightening, Strike is wonderful - and I have one of her badges, which I (think) picked up from a small gig last year.

Are you a student in Brighton per chance? Just a guess, as The Go! Team Brighton/ London combo, but main man is Brighton dude.

Also will check out stuff you mention that I've not heard of.

You should DEFINATELY blog. It would be great, both for outpourings of ideas, and you can post illustrations and get feedback from people all over. Go for it. You've already started to gain an audience.

The power is ON!

DO DO DO THE ARCADE FIRE!!

Herge Smith said...

Actually I think it's Ceri, not Kerry, which I believe is the Welsh spelling.

Maybe, I dunno, I did date a Ceri once and she was Welsh.

Hmm.

Frobisher said...

Interesting - a band i would gladly shit on is The Zutons. A saturation TV ad campaign promoting mediocrity, my god, its like Punk never happened.

Herge Smith said...

Frobisher - I couldn't agree more.

Gawd the Zutons are lame. I saw them supporting another band last year, they sucked soooo much.

They'll be gone soon, don't worry.

Mass marketing, multi-channel product placements etc etc... are the new punk man, aintcha heard?

It's evil, I know.

Illustrationstudent said...

Thank you, but be warned I might just take you up on that :P
Lol yes sorry Ceri, thanks I keep getting in trouble for that. Its just pronounced Kerry so I forget it’s spelt differently. She might be welsh I don’t know?! She doesn’t have mush of an accent.
My Uni is Southampton way... but I know Ceri Amphlet (I probably spelt the last name wrong too) lives in London, (she only does a few days a week down here)

I'll tell her for you. I think she will be really pleased, she was so chuffed and excited that she got to do it and she said she was surprised they gave her such a free reign on the whole thing! And the badges were just an extra thing that she did as a thank you for the band, but when they wore them at gigs so many people wanted them that they commissioned her to do more... It’s a little bizarre because she talked to us about it months ago and now we keep wandering in shops and there it is!

This blog stuff is great fun, Its nice to have more challenging discussions than the usual debates about why jam and cucumber doesnt go in curry (don't ask student cooking, well at least its called that, I'm still not sure what Ash makes even qualifies as food let alone cooking) I'm already working on a website for creative people with links to interesting sites, artists, designers, innovative web design, inspiring stuff ect with the hope of building a little community that shares ideas and resources (eventually incorporating our own work, we aren’t very confident about it at the moment because we feel we are still learning,) but I want it to look smart in case I do use it for promotion when I finish my degree, so im taking my time with it, but your right blogging would be a great place for more free reigning stuff...

Hmmm so many ideas so little caffeine…

P.S. That Ceri wasn’t a red head was she?
and so help me I like the Zutons every one has flaws, Mine is colourful CD packages, its terrible I am like a magpie, besides they are good for drowning out obnoxious all girls school brats on the bus!

Herge Smith said...

The thing about Ceri's work on the CD and singles is that she really nailed the feel of band - which is remarkable, becuase the band themselves are such a mash up of styles and sounds - I particularly love the cover of Junior Kickstart single - and I love The Go! Team. They were THE band of last year for me, (I still like them tons now). Arcade Fire are the ones at the min - they are hands down the best live band I have ever seen, and I've seen some bands in my time...


Defo on the blogging, it is a great way of trying stuff out. That's what I've been doing over the last few months - making up fake TV shows and advertisments, messing with adverts, creating a comic strip, having a continuous talking point with Your Mate Dave (who I hate, but I do find fun putting these annoying words in his mouth).

Once you start, and you get past the first week honeymoon period (loads of bloggers go great guns for a week then give up) you'll find yourself starting to play a bit to the audience, which is really fun.

Go to the blogger homepage and get your blog name established at the least - you won't be publishing but you'll have your little blog space ready when you do.

Blimey - feel like I'm coming over all Yoda with this.

Blog you will.

Nah, ain't the same Ceri - I'm still mates with my Ceri - she's a journo in London.

You're website sounds cool.

Illustrationstudent said...

I will definitely tell her that!!! It will make her day, because she said she that was what she was aiming for, her style is pretty unique, its very free spirited and she works very quickly.

As for the blogging, aye Master Yoda try it I will, Actually mentioning the Ads and TV bits it was the format of your Blog that caught my eye because it was so different, The images are fun too, but I have to ask who's Dave?

Thanks I hope the website works out, there is such a lack of web community's for students and creative people, I know there is places to show case work like Elfwood (mainly drawing painting), but not anywhere to share inspirations, ideas or techniques. Most art stuff seems very cliché (established and working artists only) and it tends to be tied to one discipline I think it would be great to get input from a wide range of backgrounds, textile artists helping photographers, writers working with sculptors ect just to shake it up a bit try something new!

But anyway here's hoping! I won’t know till I try, but if it did work it would be amazing :)

Oh just had a thought... If you want pure evil how about the God awful Crazy frog thing... that is the most annoying thing those money hungry musically inept sods have invented yet! If anything deserves to be entirely wiped from existence it’s that!

Its done so spoilt little 8 year olds will spend their parent’s money to join the brain washing academy of the music industry. In fact if anything its children too young to wipe their noses that most music nowadays is aimed at. They are gullible and have money and probably spend more money than the average earning adult, (probably because the average earning adults wage goes to subsidizing their little angels spending habits.)

Herge Smith said...

Can't even speak about Crazy Frog, it's that bad.

Your mate Dave, is exactly that, your friends mate, not your mate, but your friends. You know the one, the one your mate thinks is great but you think is a nob because he always (or she) comes out with the most ridiculous annoying bollocks you've ever heard.

That's who your mate dave is.

Anonymous said...

Hey Herge,

A lot of the above has been lost on this backward Northerner, but you seem to have missed some giants of the music world out. Any views on the likes of Ultravox, Visage and Alphaville?

My dog died last month, by the way. Hope yours pulls through!