Monday, February 28, 2005

Five confirm Celebrity Outing: LIVE

It is the news that the celebrity world has been dreading, Channel 5 confirmed today that Celebrity Outing: Live would be going ahead and airing as soon as March this year.

Celebrity Outing Live is the brainchild of notorious TV Producer Joanna P McCready and her production team Crimson Tide; the masterminds behind last years break out hit Child Swap.

Child Swap 3
Channel 5 raises it's profile with more documentaries

Parenting Groups universally condemned Child Swap across the UK. The Campaign for Children in Cotton Wool, or CCCW, stated on their website that Child Swap,

“Maintained the pretense of social experiment and education for the sake of lowest common denominator entertainment”,

The group found the ‘defamatory language’ used by show narrator Martin Clunes to be the most offensive aspect of the show. “Clunes seems to spit out the words ‘pikey’ and ‘chav’ as he describes the children from the less privileged background” the CCCW note.

Child Swap ran throughout autumn last year and featured both middle-class and work-class couples who freely exchanged their 4-year-old children with each other for a period of 12 months. During this time, a TV crew followed both families as they adapt to their new parents and new children.

McCready was on hand this morning to answer questions about Five’s new high profile celebrity themed show at a press conference held at a 5-star hotel in central London.

The first question came from a reporter who asked MrCready to explain how her previous show was educational.

“Obviously Child Swap showed us conclusively that it is easier and more socially rewarding to take a child from a poor family and integrate it into a better off family. It was demonstrated that society is still very split in terms of class”,

The same reporter challenged McCready by suggesting that everybody already knew this and all McCready was in fact doing was lighting fires and then standing back to film it.

At this pointed, the reporter, who turned out to be from Radio Times, was ejected from the conference by security guards.

After a few moments, McCready took another question regarding the format of the show,

“Crimson Tide are fully aware that Celebrity Outing: Live is potentially a more risky proposition than Child Swap. We deliberately set out to expose both gay celebrities purporting to be heterosexual, and heterosexuals who purport to be gay”

When asked if this a particularly common practice in the world of celebrities, McCready cryptically answered, “You have no idea”.

Asked if she were concerned by the inevitably backlash, such a show would cause. McCready said;

"I don't really care what the celebrities think about this. I am not doing it for them. This is for non-celebrities, the little people who tune in and are constantly tricked into believe they are Politically Correct or right-on because they laugh with people like Graham Norton and Dale Winton who they wrongly believe are gay”

McCready said, before adding, "Which we know they are most definitely not"

To which a reporter for the Daily Mail shouted out, “And now so do we”. At this, the amassed crowd of Journalist began to laugh.

pair of gits
Declan Donnelly is one of these fools

Declan Donnelly, one half of popular presenting duo ‘Anthony and Declan’, who is also chairman of the TV Personality League, certainly is not laughing. During an interview, this afternoon he had this to say about Five’s proposed new show,

"If that bitch (McCready) goes ahead with this sh*te", Donnelly said, "It'll f**k up the lives of a great many of the people you see everyday on TV. Not just the big hitters like Tone, and me. I’m talking about the guys in the pub at the Rovers or Queen Vic. The tarts doing the weather and yes, even the classics of TV like Whitely, Edmonds and Tarrant".

Donnelly explained before quickly noting, "Not that I am saying Whitely, Edmonds or Tarrant are poofters of course".

The TV Personality League was set up four years ago. It was specifically designed to safeguard the interests of 'legitimate' TV personalities. Donnelly explained that TV personalities are those who regularly appear on television, as opposed to what Donnelly describes as,

"All those council house born, no-talents gurning monkeys from those horrific reality TV shows, that would sell their kidneys to get a toe on telly for a second".

The incident which led to the formation of TVPL, involved Bruce Forsyth, presenter of ITV's ‘Show them your cards’, being shown his cards and sacked from the popular family game show. The following week Kitten, the militant gay activist from Big Brother 11, replaced Forsyth.

"That lezzer only got the job because she was cheap,” Donnelly declared, “And because all the hairless chimps knew who she was”

‘Hairless chimps’ as Donnelly later revealed, is a technical term for the demographic most attracted to reality TV shows.

Dr Johnson Merryweather, Head of Media studies, Toxteth Sixth Form College, Merseyside, said that the reason the majority of celebrities were in fear that their true sexual orientation would become known, was not because they believe the British public is inherently homophobic, it was rather that the British just like to know who their straights are and who their gays are.

“And they really hate to be bullshitted”, Merryweather added.

Merryweather referenced popular children’s entertainer Lilly Savage who appeared throughout the 90's on our television as Paul O'Grady. "It just confused the public",

Merryweather said "One minute she's a gay straight man, the next he’s a straight transvestite gay. They need it kept simple to keep watching"

Merryweather suggested that Julian Clary was the perfect role model for gaining affection amongst the television viewers,

"He was bender, he said he was a bender and everyone knew where they were and they loved him for it", when asked what he meant by 'bender' Merryweather become embarrassed and explained that he meant to say 'homosexual' and apologised for any offence caused.

In fact it’s testament to Merryweather’s theory that when in 1998 Clary publicly stated he had been ‘fisting’ the then chancellor, his comments were met with affection and understanding. If on the other hand a heterosexual entertainer had made the same comment, there would certainly have been a media outcry. Such is the precarious nature of sharing your sexuality with the nation.

Out come in big guns for the ratings war

There’s no question that Celebrity Outing: LIVE is almost certainly going to be a ratings giant, mixing as it does the winning elements of celebrity, sex, scandal and as McCready described at today’s press conference, “A game show element all the family can get involved in”.

Whether the government will choose to step in remains to be seen, but with questions in the house being raised regarding Britain’s rapidly declining Celebrity numbers, it can only surely be a question of time.

Celebrity Outing: LIVE is due to air mid March. Child Swap is out to own on DVD from Monday.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

DRBB: Jones wins in finale which leaves 16 dead.

Jones wins
Jones this morning, posing for photographers with boyfriend, Dane (rear).

It was the finale the country and ultimately the world was waiting for. At 3.00am this morning Glen Jones became the first winner of Channel 4's hugely popular and controversial Death Row Big Brother.

Channel 4's show has became the most-talked about television programmes ever, as a group of convicts currently awaiting execution from around Prisons in the UK were sealed off from the outside world in a high security house without television, radio, internet and much in the way of food.

What they did have was a battery of cameras following their every move, with ‘contestant’ facing public vote each week to decide which of them would be executed next.

Sticking closely to the format of the nine previous weeks, the finale was due to air at 10.00pm following the 9.00pm show, which saw Glenn Jones secure a 53% share of the vote, and his freedom.

In line with the rules of the show, Jones had one hour to 'dispose' of runner up Donald Masterson in a manner of his choosing. The majority of pundits, making predictions throughout the week, suggested Jones would garrote Masterson with a piece of clothing worn by Masterson.

Odds on favourite were red socks worn by Masterson during the now ‘infamous’ Mathew Wheatly incident.

However, events quickly unfolded that neither the legion of TV pundits, or the production company behind DRBB, Abortion Tickles could possibly have predicted.

At precisely 9.21pm, several groups of masked armed gunmen staged a coordinated attack; simultaneously taking control of the Studio 1B from which the DRBB show is presented and the DRBB house itself.

Within moments of both locations falling into the hands of the gunmen, a representative from the team in control of Studio 1B took presenter Davina FuCall’s microphone, removed his balaclava and preceded to make a statement direct to camera.

The man claimed to be Raymond Raymond, leader of the militant arm of the pressure group Ethical TV Now!

At 9.30pm Raymond stated that the militia group had only one demand, and that was for Channel 4 and the DRBB production to immediately stop broadcasting.

Before switching off the microphone, Raymond confirmed that they would give Channel 4 and Abortion Tickles five minutes to comply with their demand.

“If the demand has not been met”, Raymond said, “Then the first of our hostages will die”.

Ethical TV Now is a pressure group, which has been campaigning tirelessly for an end to what their spokesperson Barney Gedge has described as,

"A systematic deconstruction of public service broadcasting to be replaced by government sanctioned slaughter hours"

ETVN's campaign literature is stark and to the point

ETVN, claim that the current spate of the extreme programme format, which they say started in 1999 with the BBC's first series of 'Castrato Academy', is currently a bigger threat to the future of this country than the escalating violence in the UK’s Australasian colonies.

Castrato Academy aired as part of the BBC’s 'Culture Aid' season, and dealt with the efforts of British Opera Houses to repopulate the declining numbers of these unique singers.

15 pre-pubescent boys were castrated live on air and then trained to become future stars of the Opera circuit. Castro's have been officially listed as an endangered species since 1991.

Although ETVN have never been involved previously in direct action, Gedge did signal the changing attitudes of the organisation as recently as last week Tuesday.

Following the announcement that the former deputy producer of DRBB, Morton Jaeger, had been found dead in his north London flat, Gedge was asked by BBC 2 ‘s New News team to comment on behalf of ETVN. During the interview Gedge stated,

"There are factions within ETVN who will welcome this news (Jaegers death). And believe this is the route the organisation needs to go down to get things done"

When pressed to explain what he meant by, 'get things done', Gedge became reluctant to comment further. He did however add this now ominous warning,

"ETVN is preparing to display a significant show of strength on Friday, and whatever happens, the blood is on Abortion Tickles hands"

Despite being given five minutes to shut down the broadcast from the DRBB studio and house, it was clear that Channel 4 would never submit to the demand. It has been well reported that Channel 4 has a corporate policy, which clearly states that in the event of a hostage situation, or terror attack during a live game show broadcast, there will be no negotiation, under any circumstances.

So it was at 9.35pm that Raymond directed one of his militia team to remove a teenage boy from the family enclosure and had him positioned on ground, directly in front of cameras.

Raymond simply said, "Stop broadcasting", before he shot the boy at point blank range in the back of the head.

The boy was later confirmed that evening to be 14-year-old Clive Masterson, nephew to DRBB contestant, Donald Masterson.

Police today said that Channel 4 and Abortion Tickles decision to continual to broadcast was a 'gross miscalculation'. They went to suggest that the ensuing bloodshed in the DRBB house was as a direct result of the broadcast of the Clive Masterson murder.

Whilst being held at gunpoint in the DRBB, both Masterson and Jones were able to view what was happening in the studio via a live link to the house plasma TV screen. (The TV appeared as part of the finale, just moments before the gunmen burst into the house).

Shocked by the brutal murder of his nephew, Masterson flew into a bloody rage, over powering the nearest militiaman and seizing control of his weapon. He immediately shot four more of his captures before the remaining three laid down their weapons and surrendered to the Masterson and Jones, both of whom were now armed;

Martin Cobain, cultural commentator for BBC talking head series, ‘Oh yeah, I remember that', described the dramatic events in the house,

"It were like summit outta Die 'ard or summit, ‘e got the shoota off the one blerk and then blam blam blam. It were ace"

Upon viewing the live events in the DRBB house Raymond selected a further a family member, this time June Jones, Glenn Jones’s sister and presenter Davina FuCall to be next for execution.

However before their execution could take place armed police stormed the studio.

In the ensuing gun battle several of the gunmen were fatally wounded, including Raymond Raymond.

There were also a number of civilian casualties, who included Natalie Crenshaw (21) Daughter of Alex Crenshaw, Masterson’s final victim prior his arrest in 2003 and presenter Davina FuCall (46).

Both were immediately rushed to hospital, unfortunately Crenshaw died on route and FuCall shortly after going into emergency surgery.

protesters arrested at DRBB
Police removes protesters before DRBB aired at 8.00pm

By 10.10pm the finale of DRBB had already seen a total twelve deaths. Despite this the show was still being broadcast live to the nation.

At 10.30pm the police made an official statement. DCI Andrew Cryer, of the Metropolitan Police told reporters on site at the DRBB studio in London’s dockland,

"The terror organisation known as Ethical TV Now! or ETVN has made a series of attacks on the Death Row Big Brother show, which have resulted in casualties. The situation at the DRBB studio is now contained and trained police negotiators are moving into position at the DRBB house. We will let you know more when we know more ourselves"

DI Cryer went to add that key members of ETVN's political wing had been arrested and were now awaiting interview at several police stations in and around the capital.

As news of the events were broadcast on both TV, radio and internet channels, DRBB's rating share grew to a record breaking 95% by on Friday.

The first broadcast report of the crisis at DRBB on American Television came at 4pm (EST) on the news channel CNN. The CNN ‘exclusive’ coverage soon promoted other channels to follow suit. The allure of terrorist action, a siege, and live coverage, combined with a game show element meant that as America moved in it's early evening programming nothing could compete.

Lavern Armstrong, senior analyst for US ratings giant 'Wuz'on?’ said that the finale of DRBB: UK (as it's known in America) had,

"a more magnetic effect than both the mars landings and the assassination of late President Sly Stallone by the US group ‘Star Trek Renewal’ at a conference on the Australasian crisis held at the UN in June last year.

By midnight the DRBB house became unusually quiet. Tension between the Masterson and Jones was remarkably subdued despite the fact the Jones knew that he had won and all his previous criminal convicts were effectively quashed, unlike Masterson who was now facing the death penalty as soon as the siege came to an end.

Psychologists Marvin McMahon explained during one of the one of the many 'PsyOps' segments broadcast throughout the show, that,

"What we have here is a man (Jones) who has become so detached from the rules of society that naturally he does not believe he will be set free by the show",

McMahon went on to explain "Jones would rather fight his way out with Masterson, who in effect was his true nemesis, rather than risk trusting the TV producers and play within the rules of the show".

McMahon concluded that viewers could reasonably expect the siege to last at least another few hours whilst police attempted to talk the pair into surrendering.

It was an hour rather than hours before police concluded that the negotiations were leading nowhere and decided to storm the house.

As DCI Cryer later explained, "We decided worst case scenario was that both contestants and all three hostages would be killed”, Cryer added, “Seeing as how the hostages were in effect terrorists we figured, so what?"

When pressed further on whether they expected casualties from the police team who were about to raid the house, Cryer replied,

"Absolutely, our boys are trained killers, I can guarantee casualties" Once Cryer the question had been rephrased, Cryer confirmed, "The only casualty we expect to take is the odd sprained finger from all the pulling of triggers."

At 1.15am a team of the police's anti-terrorist unit had entered the house. Within 3 minutes they had regained complete control.

Whilst Masterson and Jones were captured unharmed, the gun battle did see the deaths of all three hostages.

DCI Cryer described the operation as 'textbook'.

hostages lead to safety
Hostages are lead to safety by 'anti-terrorist' unit

DRBB eventually went off the air for a period of 15 minutes between 1.30 -1.45am.

The ‘stand-in’ presenter duo, BJ and Roger from ITV's hit crime investigation series, 'Pike Watch' had explained to viewers exactly what had just occurred in the DRBB house over the past four hours before assuring;

"The execution of Masterson will be taking place as scheduled, and the live feed from the house will be back on just as soon as the boys in blue finish scrapping those wacko extremist freedom haters off the floors and walls"

The execution of Masterson and release of Jones went ahead at 2.30am. Jones eventually walked free from the DRBB house with at 2.58am with Mastersons’ head in his holdall.

The legality of Jones's release has prompted heated debate in the House of Commons today. However, the Prime Minister, Lawrence Thomas stated before a packed house of MPs that Jones would not face additional charges for killing the terrorists as he had acted in self defense, and that his liberty would hold in accordance with the legislation they had passed weeks before the show began to air.

“The deaths on Friday were regrettable”, PM Lawrence said, before adding, “But with a worldwide audience of thirty-four billion people tuning into a British television channel on Saturday morning, well that is something we should all be proud of”.

In fact by the 3.00am release of Jones, DRBB had achieved an audience of just above thirty-five billion people, beating it’s nearest rival, World Cup 2004 by a billion, replacing it in the record books.

Despite all the events in and around the Death Row Big Brother series and finale, production company Abortion Tickles has continuously declined to comment at length.

As for DRBB mastermind Mark Canttrell, when asked this morning by reports camped outside his house, what he though of Fridays historic show he said simply,

"Well, I think it went better than we could have expected"

masterson executed
Masterson: The runner up of the 1st series of DRBB

The new series of Death Row Big Brother is slated to begin airing early next month.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

Queen Mother is 134 today!

radiant queen mother
A 'radiant' Queen Mother today at 134.

After two weeks of rumours, speculation and denials the Royals must have sighed with relief that today’s media attention on their family was for a vastly more positive reason, for it was on this day in 1871 that mother to the Queen, The Queen Mother was born.

Although a Thursday child, the Queen Mother has achieved a great many things in her life, in particular giving birth to the future Queen of England and smiling freely in public, despite being afflicted at a very young age with rotten teeth, or as it is more commonly known, the ‘Scottish grin’.

At the astonishing age of 134, the Queen Mother is still extremely ‘flexible’, as a source close to the Windsor family put it earlier today.

In fact despite her age, the Queen Mother is still expected to ride the eight-year old, ‘Uber Alles’ owned by close personal friend Alex ‘Frank Ferdinand’ Kapranos, at next weeks Cheltenham’s Gold Cup.

However, the Queen Mothers age has become a cause of controversy over the last few years, particularly with the rise of the ‘Blogging’ community. Amongst the wildest claims the Blogger’s make, is that The Queen Mother actually died in 1981 during the Royal Gala Performance of the multi-Oscar award winning film ‘Chariots of Fire’ directed by Ken Loach.

chariots of fire
Chariots, a 'tedious' film by Ken Loach

The theory goes on to suggest that the current Queen Mother is in fact a fully automated robot double or android, very much like those caught impersonating senior politicians during the Delos scandal in 1976.

Dr Montgomery Lexington-Smith, personal physician to the Queen Mother puts her durability down to more mundane factors. Speaking on Saturday’s edition of Radio 1’s ‘Question Time’, Lexington-Smith was asked by a member of the Wormwood Scrubs audience to explain the miraculous longevity of the Queen Mother;

Lexington Smith said, “It is simply the result of a combination of her genetic stock, which is frankly, excellent and the fact that she has never had to lift a single finger for herself her whole damn life.”

He went on to say that he saw no reason why she wouldn’t go on to celebrate her second centennial, “That is of course”, he added, “unless she dies in the meantime”.

All day tributes have been flooding into Windsor Castle, The Queen Mothers home since she was ‘booted out of Buckingham Palace’ as she herself so often puts it.

Amongst the many tributes was that of Edith Bowman, who at 103 is currently the oldest work class person in Briton. Bowman has particularly fond memories of The Queen Mother during the dark days of the Second World War.


Bowman at 103 remebers Queen Mother

“At the time I remember thinking how fabulous she was because she was here, amongst the death and destruction, visiting us in our bombed out homes. It gave us a lot of comfort to know the Royal family were suffering through just like us” Bowman said before adding, “but then again, it wasn’t like the bitch actually got within ten feet of a Krout doodlebug, not like most of the poor buggers in London”.

She goes on to explain that once the sirens started the Queen Mother and her “worthless retarded blood sucking brood”, as Bowman puts it, “were down those tunnels in Buck house faster than a dachshund down a badger hole.”

Donald Gunterson, a former Butler to the Queen Mother between 1948 and 1951, described her as being an exceptionally compassionate person, remarking “she certainly thrashed me far less than her psycho husband,” adding, “I was pleased when the bastard died in ‘52”.

Unfortunately, the happy occasion has been marred slightly by Prince Harry’s comments made by during a British National Party ‘town hall’ style meeting, held today in Guildford, Surrey.

The off-the-cuff comments were captured on a microphone which Prince Harry, or as the Sun Newspaper has recently dubbed him, The Black-Shirt Prince, thought was switched off.

queen mum and vader
Darth Vader and The Queen Mother

During a conversation with the BNP leader and popular TV Presenter Dermot O’Leary, about the Queen Mother, Prince Harry can clearly be heard to remark, “The old cow just won’t die” adding “she’s more machine now than human, twisted and evil”, in a witty reference to Darth Vader, the villain of the 1970’s children’s fantasy feature film, Star Wars.

As has been well reported, there is a long running feud between the young Princes and the Queen Mother, their Great Grand Mother.

The hostility is said to stem back to a public remark made on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral by the Queen Mother. When asked by the BBC Royal correspondent Iain Lee, if the Royal family were at all surprised by the public outpouring of affection for the late Princess, the Queen Mother replied, “frankly we’re well shot of her”.

Despite this, the Queen Mother will be celebrating her birthday this evening in traditional style. Prince Philip explained what this involved during an interview on today's Channel 4’s Richard and Judy show;

“We all meet up at the Castle and have a hog roast, a knees up and a bit of sing song”.

queen mums arm
Queen mothers new arm

The public will next get an opportunity to see the Queen Mother 'in action', when she visits Moorgate Hospital in early March to have a minor operation to graft a second ‘bionic’ arm on to her existing upper body exoskeleton.

Friday, February 25, 2005

DRBB: BBC announces ‘Death Row’ killer rival.

BBC 'subtle' campaign is a stark contrast to DRBB imagery

It was the news that DRBB ‘mastermind’ Mark Canttrell undoubtedly didn’t want to hear.

BBC Television today unveiled plans for it’s very own extreme reality TV game show. A show Media insiders claim is designed specifically to take on Canttrell’s seemingly unstoppable Death Row Big Brother.

Described by Producer Lance Hewitt, “the show is a cross between the recent documentary ‘Right to kark it’, the international game show phenomena ‘Going for Nazi Gold’ and the heartbreaking video diary series ‘Living at deaths door’, which charted the long suffering illness, and eventual death of 80’s pop sensation Rick Nicely.”

Hewitt went on to add. “It will be the smash ratings grabber of the spring”.

When asked whether this new show could possibly survive a ratings battle with Death Row Big Brother, Hewitt laughed and remarked, “They say it’s a titanic show, well let me tell you, ‘Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge’ will be it’s iceberg”

Hewitt, former Head of Production for Mutilated Child, the controversial makers of last years ‘sleeper hit’ documentary ‘Bashir’s Colon: An inside look’, explained to the amassed crowd of Reporters at BBC HQ in Wood Norton, Vale of Evesham this morning that the ‘TV event of the summer', as Hewitt put it, will feature a range of complimenting game show elements,

“We have both physical and mental challenges. The celebrities will work both as part of a team and work individually, which with require the contestants to literally compete for their own lives” Hewitt went on to explain, “We will also have a Video diary section, which will provide a fascinating insight into the contestants state mind, in an extremely stressful life threatening series of situations”.

Hewitt was challenged by a journalist from The Mirror, the self proclaimed “Home of DRBB news”, that the show sounded almost exactly like dozens of other extreme reality programmes currently airing on TV and radio.

Hewitt responded by asking the journalist the question; “When was the last time you saw a major celebrity having to choose between cutting his own wrists or putting a bullet in his head, whilst being asked to answer questions on Thomas deQuincy, author of Confessions of an Opium Eater?” before the journalist could answer, Hewitt added “against the clock”.

An anonymous source close to the show confirmed that the ‘major celebrity’ that Hewitt had made reference to, was in fact, Jimmy Harris, the ex-workman’s nightclub comedian and former presenter of ITV’s late 70’s darts show “180”.

Harris last appeared on our screens in 1992, when he faced charges of sexual harassment.

The charges were subsequently dropped when it was revealed that Harris had served with the British Army during the Normandy landings.

Last picture of Harris before he vanished in 1993

Harris is currently classified officially, as a missing person.

If Harris does turn up on our screens in this latest BBC ratings grabber, Berkshire Police said they would be very interested to speak with him, and the production behind Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, Hung Poacher.

Ironically the BBC HQ in Wood Norton, which was chosen for the BBC's announcement was the scene of the brutal murder of Helen Atkins (93) at the Hands of DRBB’s very own semi-finalist, Glen Jones in February 1991.

Abortion Tickles, the producers of DRBB have not made an official statement regarding the today's announcement from the BBC.

The question as to whether TV is big enough for both shows remains open, but it likely to be answered come the first viewer rating results this spring.

Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge is scheduled to start early next month. The finale of Death Row Big Brother is this evening, with a second series already planned for March.

For all the hot news from DRBB, head over to;

The official DRBB news page.

Countdown Vorderman dies at 63

Vorderman at last years 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit

TV Presenter Carol Vorderman, best known as the 'thinking mans crumpet', died late last night in Caterham General Hospital, it was announced today.

Vorderman was 63.

The 'brainy' presenter died of stephacockaliticus, a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Dr Heinrich Dietz, speaking this morning at a press conference held at Caterham Hospital, suggested that it was likely Vorderman contracted the condition whilst appearing on ITV's 'Celebrity Jungle Hunt' programme.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt is an extreme reality television game show which features 'washed up' or 'has been' ex-celebrities, performing a number of hazardous, and life threatening tasks in the depths of the Australian Outback.

On Tuesday, Vorderman retired early from the show after complaining of persistent neuralgia. She soon became violent ill, forcing the shows production company, Lowlife, to fly her back to the UK for immediate medical treatment.

Vorderman subsequently lapsed into a coma on Wednesday evening, from which she unfortunately never recovered.

Vorderman began her TV career as the, 'words and number girl' for Channel 4's long running 'super dull' quiz programme, Countdown. Her innate ability to string a coherent sentence together, and lean forward enough, whilst selecting letters, to reveal her ample cleavage, lent Vorderman a degree of notoriety.

Vorderman gets stuck, again

She soon became a household name following her high profile romance with US 'rock-hunk' Lenny Kravitz. Their relationship lasted 4 years only ending when Kravitz was eventually deported back to the United States, for music related crimes.

In 1999, when she was already 56, Vorderman was on the verge of being signed to present the smash hit reality TV show, "Big Brother".

However, she became dogged by press allegations that she had appeared in a number of 'inter-species' pornographic features, including the now notorious 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Tumbledown farm'.

Although Vorderman never publicly denied her involvement in the features, she did attempt to justify it by claiming the films had ‘eductional’ value.

In light of the allegations made against Vorderman, Channel 4 decided they needed a more 'respectable' public face for their Big Brother show, which lead them to hire ex-heroin addict, Davina FuCall.

Vorderman's TV career never fully recovered from this public rejection and she soon lapsed into alcoholism and heavy drug use.


Vorderman 'smacked up' on Countdown

It was whilst in a rehabilitation clinic on the Isle of Dogs, that she met David Lean, producer of Celebrity Jungle Hunt.

Lean was so impressed by Vordermans obvious desperation to regain the spotlight, that he immediately signed her for the second series of the controversial gameshow.

Interviewed recently about her involvement in Celebrity Jungle Hunt, Vorderman remarked;

"I see this as an entirely new chapter in my life. I am for the first time in years, excited about the future. It's like being reborn", she said.

Voderman is survived by 4 consonants from the top and middle row, and a vowel.

For more celebrity news link to;

UK News Desk

Thursday, February 24, 2005

DRBB: Former head of production found dead at London home

Morton Jaegar, former Deputy Head of Production at Abortion Tickles, the team behind the TV phenomena, ‘Death Row Big Brother’, was found dead yesterday morning in his North London Flat, the Metropolitan Police said.

The body of Jaegar (29) was found at around 7.00am by TV Presenter Tony May (38), Jaegars partner of 4 years.

A police spokeswoman said: "May discovered the body of Jaegar when he returned to their shared flat after completing work on an all-night recording of the television show ‘Nocturnal Emissions”.

amassed reports
DRBB press conference this morning

Formal identification took place later that morning. Mr Jaeger was 29.

Although early reports of the nature of Jaegars death initially suggested the injuries sustained were self inflicted, Police later said that they were currently treating the death as suspicious.

The area surrounding the couples flat has been sealed off while a home office pathologist carries out a post mortem to establish the exact cause of death.

Following yesterdays evenings 6.30pm edition of the popular Channel 4: E4 ‘youth’ soap opera ‘Skanks’, Julie Husk, Mays co-presenter read from a statement May had prepared earlier;

“This is a difficult time for both Morton’s family and for myself, we intended to co-operated fully with police officers in their investigation. However, I would like it to be made clear that Morton was not the sort of person who would kill himself and therefore I strongly believe there is someone out there who knows more about this than they are currently letting on. If you do know anything, I implore to contact either this show, E4 or the Police. If you do contact E4 make sure you check out our fantastic competition to win an special signed copy of the new DRBB DVD: Funniest Rucks”

What web viewers should have seen on DAY 53

It was 3 weeks ago that Jaegar was sacked from the Abortion Tickles amid the controversy surrounding the now notorious Day 53 debacle, in which a 7-year-old boy was brutally murdered in the DRBB house.

Although Jaegar was held personally responsible for not blocking live web cam feeds at the time of the incident, thus allowing the online community to see the horrific final moments of Matthew Wheatley, he had continuously maintained since leaving Abortion Tickles, that he was not responsible for Day 53, and that in fact he had been following a direct order by senior management to leave the web cam feed running.

Jaegar, who had previously worked on the smash, hit Channel 5 show ‘Virginity Lost: LIVE’ spoke as recently as Monday this week about the incident that led to his dismissal in an exclusive interview in renowned ‘hard hitting’ weekly news magazine, Heat.

virginity lost

Five targets youngsters

“They (Abortion Tickles) know much more about Day 53 than they are letting on.” Jaegar said, before adding, “It’s all about the show. ‘Nothing BUT nothing must harm the show’ is the credo that is drilled into you from day one’.

In the most extraordinary extract of the interview, Jaegar claims that he has ‘solid evidence’ that implicates the production company, Abortion Tickles, creator Mark Canttrell and the Home Secretary, Jerry Adams in a wide spread conspiracy, “It’s gonna shake the nation to it core” said Jaeger, “that f**kin’ show (DRBB) is just the tip of the iceberg”.

Abortion Tickles refused to make comment on Jaegars interview with Heat, and have so far remained silent on issue of his death.

Mark Canttrell, on the other hand had this to say during a phone interview early today to DRBB: Victims Revenge, DRBB’s sister show;

“I am saddened by the news of Morton’s death and regret that the last time I spoke with him was of an acrimonious nature.

The finale of DRBB airs this Friday.

"I am not Clone", says Prince William

wills 3
William and 'ginger' friend share a joke

Clarence House was forced again today to deny recent rumours circulating in the tabloid media regarding a key member of the Royal Family.

This follows just a few days after claims that the former Princess of Wales, Diana, had been resurrected from the dead and was now living as a single parent in Clacton on Sea.

The new allegation, that Prince William, the son of the heir to the throne, is in fact a genetic copy or 'clone', of the notorious German statesman Tomas Kuhlerman, has already been called, 'Ludicrous' by the sources close to Prince William.

wills 4
William in 2001 - Kuhlerman in 1937

Kuhlerman, a highly regarded athlete and intellectual, was the original template used by the German scientists working under the Nazi party, in their quest to create the so-called ‘Überman’. (similar to the 1960's American government ‘Superman’ project, which itself was only a partial success with the production of ‘Dogstar’ guitarist Keanu Reeves)

Kuhlerman was later revealed to have played a central part in the Nazi parties efforts to recover the 'Ark of the Covenant', which they intended to use to gain an upper hand against their allied enemies during the final years of World War 2.

The Ark of the Convenant - Where is it now?

The cloning allegation was made during a key-note speech taken by Dr Brenda Bollinger at the ‘Human Reproductive and Fetishisation International Conference’, held each year at this time in Dagenham, East London.

Dr Bollinger is the Chief Executive of the controversial genetic research institute, Clonard, based in Madrid. Spain.

She is also an outspoken advocate for human reproductive cloning.

“Its patently ridiculous that there is an international ban in place designed to restrict the cloning of human embryos” Dr Brenda Bollinger said yesterday morning during her speech, “Especially since we are in a country right now, who has a clone as the heir to the throne” she added.


Bollinger gives key-note

When speaking later during a Q&A session for the journalists, Bollinger was asked to confirm that she was making a reference to Prince William.

“Obviously, I’m speaking only of Prince William.” She confirmed, before going on to explain, “If we found out Charles and the ginger one were clones, we’d probably decided it is a bad thing after all, and give up”.

Human cloning is the process of taking DNA from a human cell, inserting this into an egg and implanting into a surrogate mother, or 'follow through whore' as they are also known.

The first successful clone was a cat produced from an adult cell, created by the Richards institute based in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

Bagpuss, as the cat later became known, was an exact genetic duplicate of the famously saggy cloth cat from BBC's hit reality TV show of the same name.


Bagpuss next to exact genetic copy

Taking to the steps of Clarence House this morning, Edmond Hawkings-Long, speaking on behalf of Prince Charles and his son, had this to say about the headlines which appeared in the majority of Wednesdays tabloid newspaper;

“It saddens us, that despite a recent plea to be left in peace, we are forced again to deny a series of ridiculous allegations, Prince Harry in no way has links with Combat 18”

As soon as Hawkings-Long realised his mistake he simply added that the stories of cloning were also 'nonsense'.

Despite pressure from the attending reporters, Hawkings-Long refused to answer any further questions regarding Cloning or Prince Harry's association with any right-wing organisations.

Harry watches match with 'chums'

This is not however, the first time that controversy has surrounded the genetic linage of Prince William.

In 2001, Dr Emma Pursow, Head of Human Sciences at Lincoln Technology college suggested that the egg from which Prince William was produced had been ‘gene-washed’ prior to insemination.

‘Gene-washing’ is a process whereby a cell can have certain genetic markers removed prior to re-insemination into the womb. It has become popular in recent years with parents wishing to remove any 'chavvie' characteristics from their child prior to it's birth.

Dr Pursow claimed that the 'gene-washing' of Prince William had been done at the behest of the Royal Family and, the then Conservative Government, headed by ex-Formula One Champion. Nigel Mansell.

The ‘gene- washing’, Dr Pursow claims, was a specific attempt to rid the future heir to the crown of any of his mothers more anti-social tendencies.

Speaking to Le Monde Magazine in 2002, Pursow explained “Diana’s so-called tendencies were, according to the Tories and Royals, drinking vast amounts of ultra strong, and ultra cheap larger and smoking ‘crack-cocaine’"

Purso continues, “Apparently the Princess's most undesirable tendency of all, in the eyes of the Windsor family, was an ability to empathise, and have compassion for those in less privileged positions”.

In light of Dr Pursow’s allegations a statement was made by Donald Penwarden, Official Advisor at the time to Prince Charles. Penwarden said of the alleged ‘gene-washing’;

“It’s patently ridiculous to suggest that Prince Williams DNA was tinkered with in anyway, and his unending work with London’s riff raff proves the allegations are simply piffle”.

Big Willy discovers 'booby-trapped' curry

Following Clarence House’s statement a series of photo opportunities were hastily arranged showing Prince William, or 'Big Willy' as the UK tabloid press affectionately nicknamed him, serving food at the Kentish Town soup kitchen, exterminating unwanted puppies at Battersea Dogs home, and most famously of all, providing love and support for battered women of abusive husbands.

In fact it was during his time working at The Sutton Coldfield Woman’s Refugee, that the young Prince met and began dating Jade Goody (37) (former star of BBC’s celebrated Mastermind programme).

Within just six months of their whirlwhind romance, Goody would accept Big Willy’s offer of marriage.

The couple are still engaged and due to be married in August this year, following Ms Goody’s Decree Absolute from current husband and ‘toubled’ musician, Pete Doherty (15).


Goody: Princess of Wales one day?

Goody was asked to comment on today’s story during a recording of the popular satirical news quiz ‘What’s the story, morning glory?’.

Jade Goody has been presenting the show since the tragic murder-suicide of original host Robert Robinson in September 2002.

Goody said that the suggestions of cloning were; ‘cobblers’, she went onto add that the alleged links between the Royal family and a German ancestry were ‘racialist in the extreme’.

Despite the recent stories surrounding both William and Princess Diana, Buckingham Palace has remained silent, with no official statement yet being made.

Prince William is still scheduled to open a hostel for former stars of the Channel 4 show, Big Brother, later this week.

Related articles;

"Princess is still dead", say Royals

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

DRBB: Masterson has ear bitten off!

In a shocking development late last night, DRBB finalists, Glenn Jones and Donald Masterson became involved in a deadly altercation, which resulted in Masterson having part of his right ear bitten off by Jones.

Mastersons ear today

The Sun newspaper, the self proclaimed ‘Only source for Death Row news’ proudly boasted on its front page this morning, that it had incited the violent act. The ‘extreme’ newspaper had arranged for dozens of copies of it’s own Wednesday edition to be flown into the DRBB house, using a radio controlled helicopter.

Sun used model 'copter similar to this

Wednesdays Sun headline, was an exposé of Jones’s previously unknown ‘secret’ life as an active transvestite in the late 1980’s. This was prior to Jones’s ‘tranny frustration turned homicidal spree’ as the Sun put it, which resulted in the murder of seven women in and around the Vale of Evesham area between 1991 and 2003.

Ironically, The Sun Newspaper had already dubbed Jones with his now synonymous nickname ‘Glenda J’ prior to its most recent revelations.

It appears early yesterday evening Masterson began to taunt Jones once he learnt of Jones’s transvestite past, which he had read in the strategically dropped Suns. After a brief exchange of words, Jones launched into a violent frenzy, which resulted in the loss Masterson’s right ear lobe.

Rare picture taken in 1986 of Jones as 'Hilda'

Within moments of this dramatic development The Sun’s online news service declared it a major coup with the headline; ‘Glenda J gives Masterson ‘ear ache, with a little help form your current bun.' They had also quickly come up with a new nickname for Masterson, christening him ‘Lugs’.

This is not the first time this series that a national newspaper has attempted to influence the action in the DRBB house. During week 8, The Daily Mail arranged for work experience reporter Malik Walters (17), to climb into the house via a security ‘blind spot’ to the rear of the DRBB garden.

The funeral for Walters was held at Southwark Memorial Church last Thursday.

Following yesterdays assault, Masterson fled to the DRBB diary room and begged the production team for medical assistance. Keen eyed viewers noted that despite Masterson’s injury, he was cautious not to sit in the DRBB chair, presumably as a result of Mondays astonishing execution of Marcus Holt (22).

The production team at first offered Masterson ‘a waterproof stinking plaster’. It subsequently withdrawing the offer of aid following Masterson’s four-letter outburst at what he saw as, in his own words “an unacceptable level of support for my plight, you fucking bastards!”

Spoon used to cauterise wound

Masterson eventually cauterised the wound by heating a spoon with a lighter and then pressing it to his right ear.

Lighters are technically forbidden in the DRBB house, but luckly for Masterson, one had been smuggled in by former DRBB contestant, John Oliver.

Oliver (47) was the first contestant in the DRBB House to be executed in the style of his own crime. He had his throat slit shortly after the public vote ended in week 3.

Mark Canttrell, mastermind behind Death Row Big Brother made a statement earlier today reassuring fans that yesterdays incident would, “In no way effect the finale this Friday”.

Both Masterson and Jones face the public vote this coming Friday. As has been widely reported, the winner of the public vote will go free, whilst the runner up will be executed.

Singer Robbie Williams: Not Suicide - claim Police

Robbie: as he looks today

New Scotland Yard today confirmed that the recent speculation surrounding the coroners report in to the botched ‘fake-suicide’ attempt of popular singer Robbie Williams was in fact incorrect. And that Williams (31) was actually the ninth victim of serial murder, ‘Cause Celeb’.

'Cause Celeb' is the name that has been given to the notorious celebrity murderer by the UK tabloid press.

The coroner who carried out the inquest into Williams’s death, Dr. Julie Fox, made a brief statement shortly after the Police contradicted her verdict.

“I’d seen Williams perform a few months earlier”; Dr Fox said reading from a prepared statement, “Judging by the mess he was in then, I just assumed he must have done himself in”.

When asked what had lead Police to believe the suicide was in fact murder, Chief Inspector Ron McNulty admitted that they had been initially satisfied with Dr Fox’s verdict, despite the wide spread coverage in the media to the contrary.

“It was only after we received William’s right index finger in the post”, McNulty explained, “that we began to suspect there was more to it than simply Robbie accidentally topping himself”.

The missing digit, turns up

It appears that despite Williams body lacking a finger, when it was discovered by his houseboy Chico, DI Larry Kilfoyle, the Investigating Officer at the time, decided not to take the investigation any farther, because as he later put it, ‘it was probably nothing’.

Both DI Kilfoyle and Dr Julie Fox are currently suspended from their respective duties following further review.

Williams biological half-brother, and former MP to the Labour party, Robin Cook was outraged at this recent turn of events, “There has been a spectacular and systematic failing here, by both the Stoke on Trent Police and Coroners Office” Cook said before adding “As a representative for Rob’s family I demand more Dalziel and Pascoe and less Starsky and Hutch, although, in the first instance we could have done with a bit more Amanda Redman.”

Cook has continuously been an outspoken critic of the initial verdict. When interviewed in NME last week, regarding Williams death, Cook said Williams would never of let himself die in such a state, especially to be discovered in the bathroom with his “skid marked pants around his ankles and half a Ginsters in his gob” with Cook adding “he was far too much in love with himself for that”.

With Williams finger turning up in the post, Police now strongly believe there is a link between his death and the deaths of eight other celebrities that have been reported over the past six weeks.

These deaths include another ‘formally famous’ Pop star and ‘gay’, Will Young, the presenter of the Channel 4 flagship ‘youth’ magazine show, Eamonn Holmes and Homebase yachts person, Dame Ellen MacArthur, presumably also ‘gay’.

Ellen with 'pink' world

“If we do have a serial killer on our hands with a penchant for famous folk, I would advise any minor or major celeb active in the UK today, to think twice before going into work” McNulty said.

“You need to ask yourself the question, is it really worth getting my face on Telly, only to later have it sliced off, and sent to the Daily Mail in an A5 envelope by some sicko” He added.

The ‘Cause Celeb’ case is still an open and ongoing Police investigation.

Related stories:

Singer Robbie Williams Dies at 31

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

DRBB: Channel 4 confirms DRBB 2

drbb 6 eye
New logo revealed for DRBB2

Following intense negotiations between Channel 4 and Mark Canttrell, creator of Death Row Big Brother, Channel 4 announced today, that a deal had been struck and the second series of the hit, extreme reality TV game show, would be going ahead just weeks after the dramatic finale of the current series, which is scheduled to air this Friday.

When asked if the new series of DRBB would be ‘toned down’, in light of almost ‘World Wide’ condemnation of the show, Peter Dubois, Head of Channel 4 Programming said;

“No fucking way! If anything, expect more violence, more debauchery, more death and more must see TV than you can possibly imagine. It’s gonna make your fuckin’ TV haemorrhage ”,

The DRBB production company ‘Abortion Tickles’, official website, reported the news in a somewhat, more sedate manner. A single line statement read;

“In four weeks time another ten contestants will be selected from Prisons around the country to face the challenge of their lifetime”.

Almost immediately following Channel 4’s announcement of DRBB2, speculation grew throughout the media that the new series would feature such outlandish events as, ‘instant death’, weekly challenges, ‘firing squad’, executions, comprised of the relatives of contestants victims. And most controversially of all, the inclusion of at least one multiple convicted Paedophile.

The Sun newspaper, who claim the ‘Paedophile’ story as a world exclusive, go on to inform its readership that this will be;

“…despite the fact that the chosen sicko kiddie fiddler, is not currently facing the death penalty”, they continue, “that is of course, until they enter the DRBB house”.

The Sun suggested on it’s front-page late edition, that it will personally lobby Canttrell and his production team for a future series of DRBB to featuring only Paedophiles.

The Suns Editor James Watts remarked in his editorial that the Suns backing of such a TV programme is simple;

“We need to wipe this scum from our glorious nation and from existence. If we can get some good telly out of it whilst we do it, where’s the harm?”.

At this time any additions to the DRBB format remain unsubstantiated.

Despite all such wild conjecture, Mark Canttrell and his production team are remaining notoriously tight lipped on the subject, suggesting if you want to know what to expect from DRBB2 make sure you tune into this Fridays finale.

As Canttell himself put it, with characteristic understatement;

“It’s going to be worth watching”.

"Princess Di still dead", say Royals

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not. Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana of Wales, just moments before tragedy strikes.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.

Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign, which ran the slogan;

Evian: Don’t die of thirst.

beneath an image of both Princess Diana and Burrell exploding in a cloud of deadly shrapnel and body parts.

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently 'lynched', by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed 'humanitarians', following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

It is believed that these recent rumours of Princess Diana's miraculous reappearance in Essex, were first brought to the attention of the UK tabloid press by web-logger or ‘blogger’, Kenneth Critchlow (14) of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, on his renowned conspiracy blogsite; ‘It’s all lies. blogspot’.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (58) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.

happy couple
Charles and Wendy, the happy couple.

“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of Charles brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as;

The Half Blood Prince,

due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle;

harry hucknell
Half Blood and Pa.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told AC Press, "and it would certainly not surprise me, if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of ‘coloured’ in her, he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton. The announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.



He was the bookies favourite, but that didn't stop Marcus Holt (22) from becoming the eighth contestant of Channel 4's smash hit show;

Death Row Big Brother

from being executed live last night, during the shows nail biting semi-final week.

Holts nomination, and subsequent execution helped DRBB break all known viewing records, finally allowing the show to see off its closest TV rivals, the BBC 2 archaeology show presented by former Pop Idol, Jennifer Khan (16);

Princess Diana, England's Rose: Exhumed.

And the previous ratings record holder, the Christmas 2004 edition of;


subtitled as a one-off for this festive show;

Eastenders: Apocalypse,

in which, controversially, the entire cast (save for chippie owner Ian Beale as played by veteran Eastenders actor Kate Thornton), are brutally killed in an Al Queda 'style' terror attack.

The thrilling climax to the show featured each cast member being summarily executed through beheading.

The episode aired as a Christmas lunchtime special, both proceeding and following the Queens address to the nation.

In fact, Thursday evenings gripping conclusion to ITV's very own reality gameshow;

Celebrity Jungle Hunt,

could only manage to pull in half the viewers that yesterdays DRBB execution achieved.

The finale to the ITV show, gave us both the triumphant victory of ex-golfer Duncan McGregor (44), as he successfully tracked, caught and killed, children's TV game show host, Will Mould (12) in a spike trap of his own making, and the tragic death of the shows co-presenter, Pokey (real name Martin Jenkins), during a live link to camera.

Jenkins (27) was segueing into a commercial break when he was fatally bitten on the right big toe by a female funnel-web spider, a deadly arachnid, native to the Australian outback where the show is filmed.

His on screen/off screen partner Baby Pete (15), (real name Lil' Jimmy Peters) said it'd been a terrible blow, but he would continue to present the bulk of ITV's output regardless;

"It's what Pokey would have wanted", Baby Pete told the amassed reporters, before breaking down in tears during the season finale press conference, held in the Hyatt Hotel, Sydney.

It was Death Row Big Brother however, that again set new standards for extreme reality TV, when the 'music teacher bludgeoner' from Shoreham on Sea, Marcus Holt, was executed live on yesterday evenings remarkable show.

'Abortion Tickles', the production company behind DRBB, even managed to throw in an additional surprise to proceedings when they used the diary room chair as the executioner's tool.

Interviewed directly after the show via an Internet web chat, the brains behind DRBB, Mark Canttrell, generously gave credit for this unique twist to widow and mother of two, Margaret Locke (47) from Kingston upon Thames, Surrey.

It was Margaret's suggestion, phoned in to the weekly competition run by DRBB's sister show;

DRBB: Victims Revenge,

that was chosen and subsequently used to such a dramatic effect yesterday evening.


"We were particularly impressed that Margaret's idea incorporated such an iconic symbol of the show", Canttrell explained, "and that this tied so neatly into the termination of Holt", Canttrell went on to say, "we believe that Holt would have approved, we knew he was a huge fan of the previous big brother formats".”

As is well documented, Marcus Holt had the lowest IQ in the DRBB house, Fifty-two.

There have been some widely reported debates in the media today regarding the execution, with particular focus on the question of whether it was right or not that Marcus Holt never actually knew what hit him.

It is certainly the case that in all previous executions, the contestant were informed well in advance of their impending fate.

This allows for the, 'soon-to-be-snuffed' as the The Mirror puts it in their daily DRBB column, to show repentance to God, to apologise to victims families, and more importantly for the ratings, to give the viewers an opportunity to see the contestants abject horror of facing their imminent, and typically very painful demise.

"It was a calculated risk, for sure...", Canttrell reflected honestly, during the informal web-chat.

The execution itself was a beautifully stage-managed piece of theatre. Prompting Helen Markwell, the New York Times DRBB overseas correspondent to gushingly declare;

"Even the legendary filmmaker, Alfred Hitchcock, would have been proud to have come up with this distinctive twist."

Interestingly, DRBB had already staged an homage to thriller film maker, Hitchcock, when Lee Arthur Pendrick (29), the fourth contestant to be executed, was terminated during week 5 with a ferocious knife attack in the shower room.


The DRBB viewers were informed at the very start of yesterday evenings show by presenter and former 'crack-whore' Donna MacLaine, that the dairy room chair had been wired up to deliver an electrifying 10,000 volts.

The contestants on the other hand, were oblivious to this, and at 8pm they started their daily routine of entering the diary room, one by one to be asked if they would like to confess to any further crimes they had yet to own up to.

Through a breathtaking piece of miss direction the viewing public were lead to believe that it would Masterson, not Holt, that would receive the killing blow.

However, it was during Holt's emotional confession to a further crime, which he claimed he had committed in his early teens during a stay in a Brighton hostel, that the switch was thrown and Holt literally fried to death before our eyes.

Unfortunately, Holt was in the process of explaining who the alleged murder victim was when he received the deadly charge.

Sussex police are now looking into the partially received information provided by Holt.

As critic for the Guardian, Jeremy Hunter, put it in his review of the show late last night;

"Never, have so many people jumped at precisely the same moment in the history of the world".

Naturally, several cases of heart failure, potentially caused by the shock execution have been reported around the country.

The shows production company again point to the disclaimer that precedes each show, thus giving them, they declare, an exemption from any harm caused through exposure to DRBB.

"As we get closer to the finale we really do need to crank the amps up to 11", Canttrell said online last night, referencing the 'mockumentary' motion picture, 'Spinal Tap', wherein 11 represents 1 better than 10.

And Canttrell is not wrong.

As we move into the final week of Death Row Big Brother and the final two contestants, Donald Masterson and Glenn Jones duke it out for sympathy in the public affections, Cantrell and his production team know that they will really have to create something quite unique to top the action we have seen so far from this remarkable series.

We look forward to Fridays DRBB finale with baited breath.

DRBB: Because you deserve it.

bb 3 eye

Previous DRBB articles;

DRBB: A reality game show for an insane world

Winona and Angry Chimp

winona 2

Angry Chimp gentle rocks back and forth in the arm chair.

I sit on the floor in front of him, my back rests on the base of his chair. Angry Chimps legs hang either side of me.

Angry Chimp likes me to sit like this so he can motivate me, he says, when he wants something. Be it a snack from the fridge or the TV Guide or his mobile phone when it beeps the arrival of yet another message from one of his many fans.

I need to be ready to move, he says.

It's getting very late and I'm desperate for the film to end so I can go to bed. Unfortunately Daisy Randone has only just committed suicide so I know there's still at least another half hour to go.

"What do you think of the film?", Angry Chimp asks me out of the blue.

Angry Chimp rarely, if ever courts my opinion, and when he does there really is no correct way to respond without getting a beating.

"Erm...", I say nervously.

"Erm what?", Angry Chimp replies in an already agitated manner,

"What does that mean? Do you like it or not?"

And he kicks my head forward with his right foot, quite hard.

I rub the back of my head and think of what to say...

Angry Chimp kicks my head forward again, this time with his left foot, much harder. This hurts greatly, mostly due to the fact his left foot still has his Mukluk on.

"I'm waiting!", he growls aggressively.

And I say without thinking;

"I liked it",

"Oh, okay, that's good", and Angry Chimp leans forward and pats me on the head. I feel calm again for I have pleased Angry Chimp.

"Now go and get the nachos and large salted peanuts from the kitchen. Chop chop".

I instinctively get to my feet and walk toward the lounge door. I'm feeling much more confident and decide to please Angry Chimp further by making an additional comment about the film.

"Girl, Interrupted", I say, "really is a great Angelina Jolie flick".




I wake to find myself face down on the mohair rug. As I open my eyes my first thought is;

"Who spilt red wine?",

And it’s at that moment that I tongue around my teeth and to my horror find a wet gap in my gum that wasn’t there a moment earlier.

I am even more surprised that I’m not in excruciating pain...yet. Although my face is starting to expand at what feels like an exponential rate.

Angry Chimp stands directly in front of me, he leans over me and clutches a clump of my hair, pulling me up by it, to face him.

"What did you say?", He asks me, sneering and baring his teeth.

I know Angry Chimp, he expects an answer.

He must have jumped at me when I was facing the door, I reason. I must have hit the door and knocked my tooth out in the process.

As he waits, fuming...

Waiting for an answer, I look back down at the rug and notice that not only is there now a lovely vomit stain on it; there is also a very deep crimson patch of blood from where my head and my aching ripped gum was when I fell.

That was what I mistakenly thought was a wine stain.

Angry Chimp spits in my face and brings me back to the issue at hand.

"Don't make me ask you again", he says knowing I won't want him to ask me again.

"I shed", and I realise that speaking will be a challenge with a tooth missing and a torn hole in my gum where once it resided.

"I sed it wuz a gord ungelena holy filum",

"And what you meant to say was...?", Angry Chimp prompts me.

I stare into his cold yellow eyes, they narrow as he waits for me to make things worse, but I know the answer this time, I know the violence will be curtailed.

"Itz a gord Winona moovie", and I articulate 'Winona' as best I possible can, for I know only too well, Angry Chimps feelings for Ms Ryder.

Angry Chimp lets go of my hair and my body crashes back down onto the rug, my face buried again in my own sick and gum blood.

As I lift myself up I notice that Winona is in a cab leaving the hospital. I must have been unconscious for a good twenty minutes or so this time.

Angry Chimp picks up the remote and switches both the television and surround sound amp off, before walking over to the door to go to bed.

"Night then", he says as he leaves.

"Might..." I mumble as he goes.

Now, I think, where's that tooth gone?

And as I lean forward to search for the missing item, the pain kicks in and I start to cry to myself.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Singer Robbie Williams Dies at 31

Williams in 2002, already looking 'well rough'

BREAKING NEWS: It was revealed today that Singer Robbie Williams, best known as the fat, lazy, self obsessed dog, Dougal in the 2005 film ‘The Magic Roundabout’, died on Sunday morning at his home in Stoke on Trent,

Williams was just 31.

The singer is reported to have died as a result of a botched ‘fake suicide’ attempt.

It appears Williams, who has bravely faced an ongoing battle with depression caused by 'not being as famous as he was a few years ago', attempted to stage a ‘fake suicide' to regain the ‘big light of lovely fame’, as Williams himself often described it.

Williams’s body was found hunched over a bottle of ‘Dettol’ and a half finished ‘Ginsters’ pasty, on the bathroom floor of his Stoke on Trent flat, located above ‘The Great Plaice’ fish bar. His secret Taiwanese mail order bride, Maurice discovered the expired Williams in the early houses of Sunday morning.

Police have denied claims that Williams is in fact the ninth victim of notorious celebrity serial killer dubbed, ‘Cause Celeb’ by London’s tabloid newspapers.

Recent suicides ascribed to ‘Cause Celeb’, include ‘Shock’ radio DJ Chris Moyles, popular children’s book writer JK Rowling, satirist Chris Morris and Big Brother winner Brian Dowling.

Williams was only nine years old when he was plucked from the malls of ‘The Potteries Shopping Centre’, in Hanley, Staffs, to become more commonly known as the ‘funny one’ in chart topping UK boy band ‘Take That’.

Two short years later, he would be skyrocketed to fame with the help of three very successful cover songs.

Poptastic duo - Agapoo, inspire Williams

The punk rock classic ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’, originally recorded by San Francisco bay area’s, Dead Kennedys. ‘Agadoo’, the smash hit party song by Black Lace.

And the third, which cemented the band reputation as the finest all male, singing group of the century, a sterling rendition of ‘The Smiths’ lesser-known B-Side ‘How Soon is Now’.

‘How Soon is Now’, featured the unforgettable sound of Williams’ own voice replacing the ‘woo, woo’ guitar intro originally created by musician Johnny Marr.

As recently as last month, Johnny Marr, who was presenting an award at the 2005 Winalot New Music Awards, for the best UK indie haircut (won by Bloc Party bassist Owen Lars) had this to say of the now legendary cover;

“First time I heard it I felt like smashing my instruments to pieces. William had a voice which was just that much better than anything I could ever hope to produce with wood and strings and that”

In fact many have speculated that ‘The Smiths’, enigmatic lead singer Morrissey’s self imposed exile to Latvia in 2001 may have been the direct result of Take That’s phenomenal cover.

However, despite this success with Take That, Williams soon tired of carrying his fellow band mates; Michael Flatley, Ryan Adams, John Mccririck and fellow song writer Conor ‘Bright Eyes’ Oberst, who himself launched a faltering solo career with the album ‘Manic Miner on a Wednesday’ earlier this year.

Williams finally quit Take That during the now notorious 1999 tour of South Africa.

Darth Vader asks Williams to 'smell the glove'

After seemingly disappearing from the pop scene for almost a year, Williams burst back into the charts with a new ‘extreme look’ comprising leather, stainless steel and a breathing system similar to that used by the villain ‘Darth Vader’ in the popular seventies children’s fantasy movie ‘Star Wars’.

“We all took one big deep breath when saw Robbie take to the stage for his first solo appearance at the Millennium Crufts show, in Battersea”, David Bowie, one time ‘revolutionary singer’, told AC Press.

“But as soon as he opened his gob, we knew that we were watching history taking place” Remarked Bowie, “and the future of history”.

Gavin Esler, news reader for the BBC’s flagship news show, ‘Newsnight’ and renowned ‘bezzie mate’ to Williams told AC Press this morning;

“The only mistake Williams ever made was agreeing to that duet with Michael Jackson. Especially during the height of Jackson’s high profile legal battle to have the right to wrestle pre-teens in his underpants”,

Esler went on to say that Jackson’s choice of song, a cover of the Luther Vandross hit ‘Let’s make love tonight’ was disastrously inappropriate.

Although critically well received, the duet was less warmly welcomed by the tabloids in the UK which claimed; “We made him, we can break him” and his loyal fan base affectionately known as ‘The Jail Bait”.

Tiny Tears, definately 'jail bait'

It was a mistake that would see Williams lambasted in the press as ‘Jackson’s stoke and poke boy’ and bottled off stage at the 2003 V: Festival in his home town of Stoke on Trent, where he received a severe concussion after being struck on the left temple by a ‘Tiny Tears’ missile, complete with battery and bottle.

2005 was to have marked a triumphant return to form for Williams who had slimmed down from 25 stone to 9 stone 7 ounces through the new celebrity crash diet of self imposed month long dysentery.

Dysentery is a disease involving the inflammation of the lining of the large intestines. The inflammation causes stomach pains and diarrhoea but also has the added benefit that it can cause rapid and extreme weight lose.

“He may have died relatively young but the truth is his best years were behind him," Former band mate Mccririck told AC Press, “It’s a painful truth, but it’s the truth none the less”.

Roundabout: Drug fuelled kiddie nightmare?

Ironically, Williams was named today as one of the five ‘best actor award’ contenders at the Oscars this year for his work in ‘The Magic Roundabout’.

Williams is survived by his son Ping Pong and two hamsters, Lucky and Loaded.