Celebrities and Angry Chimp

Angry Chimp sleeps now but it isn't a peaceful sleep.

Oh no, for Angry Chimp it is a fitful sleep.

Angry Chimp thrashes and growls and moans with torment and rage.

Because tonight Angry Chimp dreams of celebrities.

"Kill them all"

I hear Angry Chimp mumble in his sleep,

"Kill every last stinking one of them".

I move to wake Angry Chimp, to release him from his nocturnal tribulation. But as I am about to lay a hand on his orange salupets he wakes with a start, jumps at me, his weight on my chest knocks me off balance and I crash down.

His claws clasp tight about my throat.

"Angry Chimp...?"

I gasp desperately,

"It's me...it's Herge..."

Angry Chimp leans in close, I can smell what he had for dinner on his breath...

Beef Stroganoff I think.

"Were you on Big Brother?"

"Wha...?" Is all I can manage.

Angry Chimp growls at me menacingly. I shake my head to indicate that I was not, although the truth be known I did submit a tape but I was never selected.

"Do you subscribe to Heat magazine?"

Angry Chimp continues leaning in so close now his wet dark button nose presses mine.

"Do you go out and by Hello or New or Take a Break or any of those other media whore sodden shit sheets?"

Again I shake my head but Angry Chimp only clutches tighter. I can barely breath, I feel my consciousness slipping away.

With all the energy I can summon I force out a single series of three letters.

"N"

I wheeze,

"M"

I choke,

"E"

For a moment Angry Chimp just looks down at me. I know that I am helpless between his mighty tree swinging fists. A million years of evolution separate us and yet I am at his mercy.

He stares at me, at my scrawny body which is almost lifeless...

...

Suddenly the letters register somewhere in his brain and he starts to loosen his hold.

I gasp for air but before I can take more than a lung full Angry Chimp becomes more enraged than I have ever seen him before, and I was with him when Princess Di was tragically killed.

I remember it as if it were yesterday. My eyes filled with tears of whoa I turned to Angry Chimp for comfort.

"Well..."

Said Angry Chimp with all the majesty of the great thinker that he is.
"She got what all posh girls eventually get"

"And what is that?" I ask Angry Chimp

"Fucked in the back of a Merc on a Saturday night"

His nails dig deep into my neck and his eyes turn blood red. Spitting with rage he yells at me;



"Fucking NME!!!"

"Bu... bu... but..."

"Fucking NME that's the worst of the lot, purporting to represent the very best in indie and new music when in reality they are in the pockets of the record companies and their public relationships people. That rags no better than a pin board for the corporations 'yoof' department!"

This is it, I think.

This is the end of our acquaintance. Before the final curtain I wonder what it was Angry Chimp dreamt this night that spun him into such a wrath...

Maybe Brad and Jennifer...

Maybe Michaels trial...

Maybe Ellens brave voyage...

or Renee and Damien and their not so secret dates...

There are just so many stories and so many celebs from A to Zee to fill them. Maybe it was only one...

...maybe it was all of them that finally pushed Angry Chimp into a homicidal frenzy.

Who can blame him? Is my final thought.

Who can blame him?

Everything becomes numb, all I can feel are knives of ice penetrating my throat juxtaposed with a warm glow of calm from within...

...

...and then suddenly something forces it way from the very depths of my being.

A way out possibly?

A saving grace perhaps?

Salvation maybe?

Maybe...

I grab Angry Chimps wrists, wrenching them away from my throat with all my might... just enough so I can spurt out;

"I only read it for gig dates and maybe the old album review"

Angry Chimp immediately lets go and sits back on his haunch's.

"Oh, that's okay then."

He says with a smile.