So they sent me on a course to help improve my motivation.
I said look;
"Just give me the grand this is going to cost and my motivation will soar, I swear".
They don't buy it and before I know it I'm in an auditorium in The British Library listening to some guy telling me the next two days will change my life.
Some chance.
Maybe if Al Queda chooses this place as it's next target, maybe then it will...
He mentions that we could possibly be sitting next to our future husband or wife because apparently this has happened before. I look around instinctively, as does everyone of course.
The lady to the left is at least sixty-five and not a, 'looking good for her age', sixty-five and I'm thinking that it would take all the KY in Central London to make her a hot Saturday night date.
To my right is a grayed up grand daddy who would need to get all the Viagra in Central London and it's suburbs to get him ready for the same night out as lady dry here.
Perhaps if I just moved they might look at each other for the first time and as that spark of electricity fires through their synapses, they find each other and become Jerry Maguire 'complete'.
Wouldn't that be something special?
If after all these years, a lifetime in their cases, these two complete strangers who assuming by the fact they are on this course are in some serious need of help, sad lonely motivation depleted souls that they must be, come together, realising there is a perfect love for us in this world after all and life is just the challenge to find it.
Together they live out the rest of their ugly, grey chemically erected and lubricated years in blissful happiness.
Trouble is I'm in the way so they'll never meet now.
This makes me feel a bit happier and I smile to myself.
Sixty-five leans in and says;
"You look like you're going to enjoy this course."
I grin back weakly and nod. Stop trying to hit on me grandma, I'm young enough to be one of your much older grandchildren.
Jim McSorted, the guy who will be taking us on this 'Journey TM', is a short slim Scot in his late forties. There's no doubt the guy thinks he is a Svengali. Charismatic, enthusiastic, energetic, lots of 'ic's’ in fact. But then I'd be full of 'ic's if I was looking out across a sea of dumb eager faces knowing that I was getting a grand per mug.
"I'm going to change your life...", he says.
"It's all up to you...", he says.
"Only you can find the path to true happiness...", he says.
"All you need to do is believe...", he says.
And he holds out his hand and gestures us all to metaphorically take it.
I immediately think of Luke and his dad on the gantry. Papa holding out his black gloved cyborg hand, beckoning his boy to join him.
Luke, destroyed both physically and emotional stands his ground, he won't relent, he'll resist, he'll never join his father, even now... even now he knows everything he believed was a lie told to him by the very people he thought loved him.
Luke looks at his father one last time before he lets go, choosing death over turning to the dark side.
As youngsters, some of us barley six years old, we understood. such was the emotional impact of this scene, we understood that choosing the path of good was often the hardest choice to make. And in Luke's case it certainly meant death. But at that moment he accepted it, and so did we.
He peers down, obviously terrified of letting go.
But after looking at his father one last time and knowing what the alternative is, he lets go anyway. Falling silently in to the abyss.
Finally understanding where the path he was on would lead. A man like his Father. More than that, he was a better man than his Father ever was.
Silently falling rather than stand at his Fathers side.
Silently falling...
...
Well that was until that no-neck childhood rapist released Empire in the middle of the nineties and stuck a girlie scream on Luke as he fell.
"George..."…”
I say with tears of heartbreak coursing down my face.
"George, you do know the common consensus is that you don't understand your own films?"”
Saying that though the scream is gone again now.
That's something at least.
I don't know why I think of this right now, I just do.
Jim asks us to turn to the first page in our 'LifecycleTM' free course oversized filofax.
Jim asks us to complete each spoke to assess where we are in terms of life balance. Our life balance is basically how happy and successful each of us thinks our lives are.
I read through the instructions and feel a terrible sinking feeling. A quick and dirty guesstimate indicates that I will score vaguely higher than a caged orangutan.
But below a family Labrador.
So I'm not going to score highly. But then that's the point isn't? After all we still have another thirteen hours of this ridiculousness.
Not much good to Jim McSorted and the team if I arrive and find I'm not a total fucking mess is it?
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