Hobbies to talk about in front of your new girlfriends parents

1. Weekend Rugby.

2. Helping out down at the local soup kitchen.

3. Your fund raising work for UNICEF.

4. Your hardcore porn consumption.

At what stage do you realize that pornography is starting to addle your brain? Is it when you stop feeling disgusted by the imagines that just moments before you came, made you hard? Is it when you just can’t find anything that does it for you anymore and hardcore is just oh so much soft scoop? Or is it when you start to see the world around you as a single opportunity for casual, pounding, grinding, violent, loveless, meanless FUCKING.

Its no longer about sex, it’s just fucking, as basic as eating and shitting, and you involve it more and more into your everyday life.

When do you know its taken hold? When you can’t think of anything other than bodies moving together, moaning, groaning, shift position, nothing hidden, everything wet and sweating and then come in the face or in the ass or in the ear or nose or on the foot, wherever. Except you no longer imagine yourself there, you’re just a tourist, passing through, checking out the sights before you move on.

And that’s when its taken hold, when you pump at your cock as the images dance on your retina and its just for its sake, no longer a replacement for what you want, you don’t see yourself with Jenna, or Janine, you just want to watch them.

But you can give it up at anytime, right?

You could go without it for months, weeks, days, this morning, right?

And the thought of a normal, sexual relationship (what is that? You on top, no sucking, none in the bum?) Well, it would probably be disappointing, and a hassle.

But why should you feel bad? Its been there since they started to draw. Cave paintings of big tits and cocks dancing around after the hunt, sheela-na-gig giving me the horn, photography is invented at the same time as the phrase; “just show me a little bit more…” And now we have VCR with its liney quality cum shots, satellite TV for 2 in the more toss sessions, DVD, nice realistic flesh tones on those big fake breasts and the Internet.

Ah, the Internet, where we are now. No need to go out for it anymore, at home, all alone, no one knows, not the news agent, not the post man, not the man walking his dog, no one but you and your anonymous accounts across the entire globe with every particular taste catered for and the least difficult thing to look for.

Look up softcore

Look up hardcore

Look up anal Sex

Look up bukkake

Look up strap-ons

Look up teens, mature, granny, blonds, brunette, redheads, baldheads

Look up gay porn, but thank god it does nothing for you so you move onto…

Look up all manner of fetish

Look up blow Jobs, rim jobs, hand jobs, big jobs

Look up garters, belts, boots, whips, chains, leather, latex, rubber, stilettos, Doctor Martins, Converse All Stars

Look up Asian babes

Look up oriental hotties

Look up black mammas

Look up Russian dolls

Look up British tarts (if you’re a real pervert)

Look up young girls skirts, just don’t get caught.

The ultimate consumer focused product, you want it they supply it, no matter how weird, debase, immoral, illegal, despicable, you want it…

That dirty little fantasy that you lay in bed and masturbate to whilst your partners in the shower, it’s already been taped, packaged and is available for £25.99 or downloadable in four bite sized chunks. Just get your credit card ready. Oh and make sure you know the ccv number yeah - it's on the back.

All there and the more you look, well the more you need to look, cause you’re addicted idiot.

Right, smoking dope leads onto harder stuff. Lie.

What they should of told us was that looking at women cunts leads to looking at women’s cunts being fucked, and looking at women’s cunts being fucked leads onto looking at women’s asses, and looking at women’s asses leads on to looking at women’s asses whilst they are fucked in the cunt and looking at women’s asses whilst being fucked in the cunt leads onto… more and more and harder and harder…

Even Alex had to be held down with his eyes peeled open, but not you, you voluntarily watch. Do they enjoy it anymore than a beating in the street, always so hard to say; certainly it’s never a young girls dream to…

“…Be roughly licked out by one guy whilst I suck the other guys cock, taking him down as far as I can without literally choking to death, and then after about five minutes of that they turn me over and I suck the other one whilst his ‘friend’ fucks me from behind, then over I go again, after another five minutes and they both fuck me at the same time, one in ass one in the cunt.”

It’s every little girls dream right?

And it gets harder and harder and we ask for it to get harder and harder because the dose just doesn’t do it for us anymore. It’s only a question of time before we have four or five cocks in the ass with an elephant unloading its wad over her face. And even then that’ll only placate us for one hit.

Does she enjoy it? Always so difficult to tell.

And you argue in your defence that –

It is the only industry where women get paid more than men, so that’s a good thing right? Dworkin said all sex is rape, but then she would, the big fat cows only going to get fucked by some fat fetishist rapist, even then he’d have to take a deep breath before plunging in. Mind you with that much fat I wouldn’t be surprised if it was only sexual assault, after all he’d have to be hung like a horse to get his cock in.

All sex is rape, always so difficult to tell.

Does she enjoy it? No I rather hope she doesn’t, because its not about her, its about me, and isn’t it great that we’re getting our sexual repression out into the open. And that I can talk openly and proudly (well not in public of course) about tossing, and toss material. No not really, because it all adds up to the same thing, you’re a sad lonely wanker.

How do you stop? Do you really want to know?

Get a life.

But who can seriously be bothered, not when you can see beautiful women with massive tits and a dick that put yours to shame fucking some nerdy looking guys who are slowly realising that a life in graphic hardcore filth will not get them the respect they never had as teens, not when you’re getting ass fucked but some big ugly tranny.

Get a life.

What does that consist of? You hate going out in the evening you hate most people and you can’t relate to anyone anymore because your brain is tuned to porno pulp.

You can’t look at a woman without thinking if she takes it in the ass.

You can’t look at a woman without thinking if she wants you to unload in her face.

You can’t look at a women without thinking has she got a big cock hanging between her legs.

When you’re addicted to pornography you’re always tired because you should be going to bed but you’re still jerking off. At least you try to jerk off, maybe the next image will do it, maybe the next movie clip will do it, you should be in bed asleep, you’ve got to be up early and on the road, but if you can’t come then you can’t sleep.

You’re also tired because you can’t keep up this level of sperm production without having the eating regime of a heavy weight boxer. You should be on a high protein diet, not pizza, Chinese, Curry, Thai, Burgers and fries… Whatever crap you can get delivered before the next movie downloads through your high-speed broadband connection. You eat fruit at work to make sure you don’t get a ‘blockage’ but still the combination of 4 hours sleep a night, hard and stressful workload and poor diet will eventually claim you, maybe not today, probably not tomorrow, but soon and it’ll be you’re life.

When is it too much? When do you know that you have wanked just too much? Is it when your balls ache and your right hand atrophies into the shape of a claw? Is it when you finally cum and its just a dot despite having taken hours upon hours of constant pounding to produce even that meagre offering? Or is it when your orgasm is twisted through with searing white hot pain running from your kidneys through your bollocks into the base of your cock, the agony crystallising at the tip which is now weeping and red raw. You shake and double up, tears dripping onto your hand that holds the toilet paper fashioned into a conical container and as you look down your eyes widen and the horror takes hold as you see for the first time that you haven’t come sperm, no you’ve come blood.

I have only one piece of advice for you - if you start to come blood it’s time to stop and get a life.

5. Pony trekking.

Actually probably best to not mention the pony trekking, don’t want your new girlfriends parents to think you’re a weirdo right?