Sunday, July 31, 2005

Dalek and Borg 17

Dalek and Borg Martians
Dalek and Borg Martians2

Check out previous Dalek and Borg at their own blog

The Dukes of Hazard

Prez Dubya2 Meester B2

Saturday, July 30, 2005

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 23/07/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 23/07/05

we love each other 240705

Laura Hayley & Mauro Picotto

Mauro The fact that she has two first names does not really bother me at all anymore. When I first saw her walking home from school I knew she was the right one, she went with my art so perfectly. The blues, the leaning; it was all there from the first moment. It is a very physical relationship, partly because she has great knockers, but mostly because I really do not like to talk to her much. I am much more comfortable just sitting around in bars, at clubs and in public parks looking cool, with my cool looking girlfriend. That is my art.

Laura He’s a lovely bloke, very much like me old man. Funny enough he’s the same age as me Dad. I do really love him; he’s got loads of money, a really smart motor and an amazing big warehouse type flat. He’s got some excellent mates as well and we’re always going to parties and that. I don’t really ‘get’ his art. I like it I suppose, the shapes and colours and that. He always sez that I wasn’t put on this planet to think, just to look good. That’s fair enough I suppose.Craig Taylor

Missing scenes from Star Wars No.22

missing scene 22

the truth via greeting card no.38

love 3

Friday, July 29, 2005

Lying, the new black - REDUX

Prez Dubya Meester B

Lying, as some old dude once said, “Is telling the truth, from a certain point of view”

Of course that point of view is somewhere in Bullshit Land, which by a startling coincidence was the exact location that Messer’s Blair and Bush formulated the rationale for the invasion of Iraq.

Anyway, I would be lying if I said I was the least bit interested in politics.

Although we are raised to believe that lying is inherently wrong; this it turns out is also a lie.

There are always grey areas to truth telling, and as you go through life you will find that on occasion a lie proves to be the only appropriate course of action available.

For example,

TIMMY: Uncle Herge, are my parents dead?

UNCLE HERGE: Um, no... they're just resting.

TIMMY: Why is daddy resting with his head missing?

UNCLE HERGE: Good question Timmy; here have a Mars bar.

Another example,

THE POLICE: Have you been stalking Winona Ryder?

HERGE: Um…no.

And another example,

VET: Have you been beating your dog with a stale French loaf?


And one final example,

GIRLFRIEND: Were you flirting with my best friend Maggie?

HERGE: Um…no.

See no harm done, and as it happens Maggie was flirting with me, but then that was over ten years ago so who cares now?

Well me for one, Maggie was hot. I should have gone off with her and left my then girlfriend behind. We may have been married with children by now, living a happy and fulfilled existence, rather than this one.

Not that I am in the least bit unhappy with my life; it’s great.

That last statement was of course an example of a white lie. This is a lie where no one gets hurt, or at least no one worth bothering about.

happy birthday barely

So, what have we learnt so far? We have learnt that lying is never wrong.

Not ever.

Unless you find out someone has lied to you, in which case, “Damn them all to Hell!”

These are just a few of my favourite lies,

PARENT TO CHILD: You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.

GIRLFRIEND TO ME: It doesn’t matter, it happens to everyone. (this followed my disastrous pounding at HALO by my 12-year-old nephew, which resulted in penile dysfunction)

ME TO EVERYONE: No, I’m fine, honest.

BOSS TO ME: There is a future for you in this company.

ME TO BOSS: I like my job.

ME TO EVERYONE: The Winona obsession is an ironic, postmodern joke.

EVERYONE TO ME: The grey in your hair looks good.

ME TO EACH OF MY FRIENDS: I like you best.


ME TO THEM: I care.

Star Wars fibs

Some poor souls have an enormous trouble lying. My mate, lets call him Mr X, he cannot lie for toffee, or any other confectionary, or indeed for anything at all.


I’m always telling him, if when you lie you start to stutter and blush, you need to do this all the time, then when you do lie, no one will know.


They say the best way to tell a lie is to hide it in an even bigger lie.

COMPETITION TIME: See if you can spot the real lie here,

“No honey, honestly, when I was in the supermarket there was an armed siege. A couple of shoppers were shot dead, I dived on the ground just as the gunmen opened fired. Thank god, it missed me! The bullets did unfortunately destroy the last of the Tampons. Then the police came, killed all the gunmen and let me go. Here’s the rest of the shopping”

Did you spot it? - Write in with the correct answer and you may win a prize.

I think everyone should tell at least one lie per day. If you do, you will soon feel like you are taking a bit of yourself back, piece by piece.

Here are some lies you may want to try on for size,

“I’ll do it right away”, “I’m busy”, “I already gave”, “You look great”, “Hmm this is tasty”, “My pleasure”, “It’s good to see you”, “I haven’t got time”, “We should get together, soon”, “You have a wrong number”, “You look good in that”, “I'm happy for you”, “I missed you”, “I love you”, “I love the children”.

Honestly, as soon as you start incorporating more lies into your daily routine you will feel a world better – seriously, you will… no seriously.

never trust a dalek

In addition, do not worry about those people who claim they never lie; they are clearly too stupid to lie. Alternatively, they are simply telling big fat porky pies.

Thank you for reading. (another lie).

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

What's yr take on...

What's yr take on sex 2

Dalek and Borg 16

Dalek and Borg invasion

Check out previous Dalek and Borg at their own blog

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Disease diary: UPDATE!

Stephacockaliticus and me
It's time to get serious.

Well, it has been a terrible couple of months since I last updated my Disease Diary.

I would like to say thank you for all your concern and your kind comments asking what has become of me ever since my Stephacockaliticus diagnosis way back in March.

Stephacockaliticus and me
Stephacockaliticus day 1
Stephacockaliticus day 2
Stephacockaliticus day 3
Stephacockaliticus week 2

I would like to say thank you; but not one single person could be arsed to find out how I've been. Bastards.

Anyway, for those new to this diary I'd better give you some background on my dreadful afflication.

Stephacockaliticus is a horribly debilitating illness. It affects both your sense of taste and decency. In many cases Stephacockaliticus A and C will attack the regressive class gene and can revert the sufferer back his or her dominating hereditary parentage.

So here is a brief recap of my past couple of months.

I picked up a copy of the Daily Mail instead of the Observer and cancelled my subscription to Sight and Sound magazine in favour of a 12 month subscription to Nuts – the man’s mag (anymore than 12 months would surely be a waste of money).

She may be a minger, but she's got big ol' knockers.

Traded in the Audi A3, which lets face it, is a bit of a ladies car and got me self sorted out with a lovely old Merc. She goes like a bomb, really lifted me spirits.

Had tickets for some right noisemakers from Canada or somewhere – flogged them on ebay, along with most of me books and comics (what am I 12?) and a bunch of studenty records.

First thing I did with the dosh was to get a couple of tickets for Motley Crϋe – playing in Brum (remember that video with Tommy and ‘is big titted wife Pamela?). Then a bought some Robbie Williams CDs, and some of them Ministry of S'and albums for th' motor.

my A3 - disposed
It's 'ow a geezer gets shot of a motor

It’s been a right bleedin' scorcher, I can tell ya. Me and the missus were finking of going to Majorca, but knocked it on the ‘ed in favour of holidaying at ‘ome.

Anyway, before all that I had to ‘ave another course of them drugs an’ that, to help me condition, Stepha… step… erm, Mung’s Disease.

The treatment so far has been a success, but sadly, it is only to slow down the effects of Stephacockaliticus. It is not a cure; there currently is no cure.

Goodness knows where I will be by Christmas. I aim to have Yule Tide in our traditional family style, all together at my great Aunts house, singing carols and preparing each other’s Christmas stockings, a celebration of family and praise to the good Lord.

But with the ravages of this illness, I’ll be lucky if I don’t wake up face down in a puddle of my own sick before dragging myself to the ‘lounge’ to watch Sky TV all day long from my 70-inch flat screen TV. All the while stuffing my beer gutted self in a jamboree of crisps and Quality Street from a tin the size of Basingstoke.

Daily Mail2
'Nuff said.

I pledge you this dear, concerned reader, if I stand when the Queen comes on I will end it all, there and then.

Until next time, stay healthy... while you still can.

Monday, July 25, 2005

Missing scenes from Star Wars No.21

missing scene 21

The blogger interview – Cakesniffers Beware!

The idea for the blogger interview is simple; one blogger interviewing another blogger that they particularly like, for whatever reason.

In this interview, the interviewer will provide links to relevant articles/posts on the interviewees blog, which will encourage readers to visit.

I hope you guys enjoy this, I do aim to do more - Also, please go ahead and do your own if you do like it.

I do have one request – ‘The blogger interview’ is an awful title, can someone come up with a more snappy one?

Anyway, here she is folks, Tina from Cakesniffers Beware!

Cakesniffer in da house
Simply the best blogger in town.

1. How long have you been blogging?
Officially since January 2005, but I opened my account with Blogger in October 2003 without doing anything with it.

2. Why did you start blogging?
I started blogging as a New Year thing I think. I'm not particularly into New Year (hate it in fact), but I decided to try something new this January. I'd thought about learning a bit about history and strange things like apocalyptic cults, but my interest had waned and I wanted to do something a little more constructive with all the time I spent on the internet - well, something with a tangible outcome I suppose.

The very first Cakesniffer post.

3. How many posts have you written to date?
Hang on I can check this out... 276

4. Which post are you most proud of and why?
Gosh, tricky one. I liked the posts that took place when Ryan J was having a go at gay people and everybody muscled in on it. It was quite good. I think my favourites are the “Things you shouldn’t like, but just can’t help yourself” and “Things you should like, but just can’t bring yourself to” ones.

blogging bigotry

vicious little bastard

things you shouldn't like, but just can't help liking

things you should like, but just can't

museli and other tortures

5. Who was the first person to comment on your blog – outside of friends/family?
Barbara from Italy I think

Sorry folks, couldn't find this - so here is my first comment instead.

6. What would you rather have – less visitors but more comments or many visitors but no comments?
More comments – the comments are what makes the blog tick. The feedback is really entertaining and is often useful in deciding what to whinge about next.

7. Is there something you would like to post about on your blog, but haven’t yet?
I’d love to rip one of my colleagues to shreds, but I do that when I’m bitching at work anyway. Mine isn’t really that sort of blog though, although I have tackled a few of my colleagues because of their entertaining quirkiness, I don’t like the idea of slagging people off like that. Well I do, but I could get into real trouble if I did.

Example of slagging off work colleagues

8. Do your friends/ family read your blog?
A couple of friends do, one family member knows about it, but doesn’t read it.

Some sort of bug
Not just ranting, photos of ... things.

9. How many blogs are there in your links list?
19 I think, I can’t count very well.

10. Which blog do you check out first and why?
Angry Chimp of course! I check it out first because there’s usually always something worth looking at there and usually that something will make me laugh.

More interestingly - how Cakesniffer met Connielingus

11. Do you always leave comments at blogs you read?
Not always, only if I’ve got something that’s worth contributing.

12. What do you most like about other blogs?
Humour mainly, although it’s nice to see what other people have going on in their lives, or what their take on certain things is. I don’t have much time for people in real life, so reading people’s blogs is either a nice link to humanity or a good reason for me being a misanthrope.

13. What do you most dislike about other blogs?
Whiney teenage crap about boyfriends/girlfriends and shit. People who have music playing in the background and fucking popups! The cunts!!!

14. What single thing would you like to improve about your blog?
I’d like to change the way it looks so that the main post column wasn’t so narrow – something to do with html that I don’t know enough about. If this question was referring to the content of the blog, then no, I wouldn’t change it, although I know it could probably be improved. But then it wouldn’t be my bi-polar, up and down, higgley-piggledy blog, would it? It’d be something formulaic and prescribed and that’s not really what it’s about.

15. In a conversation about your blog, how would you like it described?
Depends on who the conversation was between. I’d like it to be seen as something that’s funny, vitriolic, and perhaps a little thought-provoking (but not too much). If anybody described it as a diary, I’d want them dead.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

the truth via greeting card no. 36


Blair statement regarding Stockwell Tube execution

Cap in your ass
"If you're Asian, or a bit whatsit - cap in yo ass!"

"We believe we now know the identity of the man shot at Stockwell Underground Station by police on Friday July 22 2005.

It is certainly true, that it would have been a huge help if we’d known the identity of this man before we murdered him, but we can’t be expected to get everything right. We are all under a massive amount of pressure here, and small mistakes will happen from time to time.

It has taken a little while to formally identify the man, this is because our well-trained officers managed successfully to shot his face off. In which case we can make allowances for the delay.

Tragically, the man was a tax payer, although fortunately he was not a native born Britain. So we are able to state categorically at this time that although there was a fatal shooting in Stockwell Underground Station, no Britons were involved. Which is frankly a silver lining.

Obviously, our officers are highly trained to identify a potentially life threatening situation. Moments prior to the shooting – in that 1 or 2 second crisis time, they would have had to use their experience and training to take the course of action they took.

In the case of this incident the officer involved will have mentally gone through a checklist similar to this;

1. Is the suspect a darkie of some description?
2. Does he run when a group of random strangers start to shout/scream at him and wave guns around?
3. Does he have a terror deployment device – or rucksack, as they are also known?
4. If he does not have a TDD, is he wearing something that could cover up a bomb? Such as an item of clothing?
5. Does he look guilty? e.g. panicky/ sweaty/ scared when an undercover officer sticks a shooter in his mush?
6. Is he a darkie of some description?
7. How many bullets will it take to shoot his face off?
8. Will it be just like Counterstrike for the PC?
9. If we shoot him, can we get away with it?

The only point open to question is point 9. Which, seeing as how the officers involved shot this fella in front of a tube load of commuters; they have made it a tad tricky to cover up. Hence this press conference.

I see terrorists
"I see terrorists - all the time..."

Following this embarrassing incident, I believe that there are now two major questions facing us.

The first is; do we count the man the Police incorrectly executed as a score for the terrorists or one for our side? – There will be debate surrounding that issue for sometime I imagine. Not least of all with the victims family.

The other question is around our current shoot-to-kill-a lot, policy.

Well, this goes back to the suspects involved in the terrible incident on 7/7 – which incidentally I coined as a new brand – 7/7 – a brand this Government has pledge will help elevate Briton in the terror bombing attack league to at least Madrid level.

Definitely ahead of Bali and more recently Egypt, which, although tragic did involve a number of ‘dark skinned’ people, and not really that many Brits – hence it’s relegation to 2nd or 3rd item of news on the day it happened. You want a story to be No.1 - here's a tip - make 'em White or make 'em Brits. Preferably both.

We’ve learnt a lot from the criticism over the Guildford 4 and Birmingham 6, or was it 5 and 7? oh I forget.

Anyway, the point is we have learnt that if you are gonna fit up some poor bastard, better choose someone who was tragically killed in the incident itself. Far less chance of them protesting their innocence later. You want a patsy that will stick. The last thing this Country needs is to open wounds later with a load of ‘Grassy knoll’ nonsense.

But as I said before, our officers were tactless enough to 'kill to death' this innocent man in front of ‘too many to silence’ witnesses.

This is a mistake we certainly hope not to make again in the future.

Ironically, the man slaughtered by our Police hailed from Brazil, a country that has itself become an expert in 'back alley' government sanctioned death squad murdering.

Anyway, I would like to conclude in my now tradition manner. This will be by making an empty statement regarding our need to remain vigilant in the face of a threat which I will reduce to purely ideological and/or simply Evil, in a Judo-Christian way, obviously.

This of course will be a veiled attempt to distance myself from blame, and to increase your fear and paranoia, which will ultimately keep you easy to control and a piece of piss to lie to.

So here goes;

The terrorists are attempting to attack our very way of life and our freedom. I say to them, with your blessing, that they will never change our way of life.

And if preserving our way of life and our freedom means we have to impose new restrictive freedom of movement legislation, allow our Police to stop and search anyone who looks slightly Asian or ‘funny looking’ without good reason, have undercover coppers executing the occasional ‘innocent’ darkie or indeed generally become a crypto fascistic 1984 Big Brother style society; then so be it.

You will never change our way of life, which is based on freedom and a huge pile of bullshit.

Britain will prevail."

Can we shoot 'im
The good ol' days:
" Can we shoot the little Asian fella, Sarge?"
"Hold on a sec, I'm just checking the regs"

Saturday, July 23, 2005

the truth via greeting card no.35

love 2

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - Strangeways Special

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 23/07/05

we love each other 240705
THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: You all knew it was coming.

Beryl & Donald Strangeway

Beryl He was always far more ambitious than the others. During his tenure as lab assistance at Munterton Life Sciences he won morally ambiguous experimenter of the year award four years running. I think I was always more proud of him and his achievements than he ever was. I was very angry when he was fired from Munterton Life Sciences for conducting morally ambiguous experiments.

Donald She is my rock, She has held the family together throughout all our difficult periods; my father dying of ‘unnatural causes', the time we had our first horrific ‘cellar outbreak’, and not least of all, my sister’s breakdown, triggered possibly by my 30th birthday gift to her. She is generous to a fault, she accommodates all my various genetic experiments and the never-ending visit from our doubtful guest. She had always wanted a Son, and I had always had a fascination with human reproductive cloning. The answer was simple. Craig Taylor

Missing scenes from Star Wars No.20

Missing Scenes from Star Wars  No 20

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Monday, July 18, 2005