Crap animal No.6: The Koala

I branded this one earlier, he put up quite a struggle, but I got 'im.

This is taken directly from the Australian Koala Foundation website;

“Koalas mean so much to the world. Even the hardest human heart melts when it comes into close contact with them - especially in the wild”

How much longer are we going to have to endure this incessant sentimentality for anything that looks vaguely like a teddy? It is this kind of crap that sank Return of the Jedi; you can be certain it will sink us.

And, if they are soooo ‘special’ that they can, ‘melt the hardest human heart’ then why are they currently endangered? – well, not actually endangered, but vulnerable in a number of Australian States. The truth is, if they weren’t such fussy bloodly eaters they wouldn’t be in the shit they are in.

Anyway, to prove that I know what I’m talking about, and why the Koala deserves to a member of ‘Crap Animals’, I have complied (or stolen from the Koala Foundation website) some interesting facts about the KOALA BEAR.

Example of the weird two headed koala.

Please Note: Not a single word has been altered from the original

1. They are not bears; although they are as crap as most bears (particularly our friend the Panda) they are MARSUPIALS, which means that they can carry their keys and fags in their pouch. Very handy for a night out down town.

2. Koalas are mostly NOCTURNAL animals. This means that they sleep in the daytime, and move around and feed at night just like vampires and the unemployed.

3. The male koala has a dark scent gland in the centre of his chest. He rubs this on the tree in order to mark his territory. This is known as ‘rubbing one off’, or ‘having a crafty grind'. Koalas will often become agitated or embarrassed if they are caught doing this by their mums.

4. Koalas also communicate with each other by making a noise like a snore and then a belch, known as a "bellow" – very much like our ‘Northerner’. (or ‘Morlock’ as they are also known)

5. Koala young are known as 'joeys', or ‘joey deacons’ or ‘deacon’ or just simply ‘eeerrrrr’.

6. There are about 600 varieties of eucalypts. Koalas Australia wide eat only about 120 of these. Koalas in a specific area would prefer to eat only about 4-6 different types, because they are uptight fussy little bastards who are a right fucker to cook for and are rarely appreciative of any of the effort you have gone to - often complaining that the rice is over cooked.

7. Eucalypts (gumtrees) are both food and homes for the koalas – which Is incredibly stupid, if you think about it.

8. When koalas become upset and worried ("stressed" – the sensitive souls that they are) by the loss of their homes (because they ate it, presumably) they may get " Chlamydia" or “Dirty bitchticus”

This is obviously a great excuse for giving someone this sexually transmitted disease.

9. Probably around 100,000 koalas remain in Australia – and I have a question – were they originally the British criminal underclass, like the rest of white Australia?

10. They look cute, like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi.

Ahhh, he's a cutey... bless him, I just want to give him a big cuddle.

So anyway, enough of the negative ninny stuff - here are my top tips for getting the Koala back in the game and stepping up the evolutionary ladder:

1. Eat other stuff.

Seriously, this addiction to eucalyptus was sweet to start with, but man - is that now getting old fast.

Treat yourself, have a lovely bit of pain de champagne from your local patisserie, some delicious organic butter, a couple of leaves of a sweet lettuce, couple of cherry tomatoes, a slice or two of good mature English cheddar – and bam! – Problem sorted.

2. Don’t get so stressed out – take a Ritalin, Lustral or even dope up on some Prozac, just chill. Worrying all the time is not going to solve anything. Have you thought about getting a hobby? And before you ask - no!- picking bits of eucalyptus out of your teeth ain’t a hobby.

3. Get rid of that cuddly bear image. It is just so 1983. What you need is to present yourself as a dangerous, territorial killer. Hire yourself some good PR people and get known. Maybe even sign up for the next Australian Big Brother. At the very least, it will be secure housing for a couple of weeks.

If the Koala can get off its arse and make these changes then I will be the first to suggest that they are removed from Crap Animals. (into the new, sub-category ‘not quite so crap animals).

"What you fucking looking at?"

But let’s face it, these lazy shits ain’t doing squat.

Previous 'Crap Animals'

No.35 The Wasp
No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra
No.12 Human Children