Monday, May 30, 2005

Crap animal No.12: Human Children

Crap Animals No12
Parents warning: Your children are not special. Sorry.

The on-line dictionary, defines CHILDREN as;

1. A person between birth and puberty.
2. a. An unborn infant; a fetus. b. An infant; a baby.
3. One who is childish or immature.
4. A son or daughter; an offspring.
5. A member of a tribe; descendant: children of Abraham.
6. a. An individual regarded as strongly affected by another or by a specified time, place, or circumstance: a child of nature; a child of the Sixties. b. A product or result of something specified: “Times Square is a child of the 20th century” (Richard F. Shepard).

punch me
You just feel compelled to obey

The on-line lies, spite and bile fest, ANGRY CHIMP defines CHILDREN as;

1. An annoyance until they are old enough to buy me a pint.
2. Something that shits, cries and destroys your social life.
3. Each one is a precious unique miracle despite the current world population standing at 6,446,131,400! (I don’t even know how to say that)
4. An excuse for every parent to have righteous indignation at everything.

Before I launch into a diatribe against children I need to get two things clear;

ONE: I don’t hate all children. There are a couple of brats I sorta like. These include a couple of my friend’s kids (not all of them, mind) and my nephew (I have two nephews but one is now able to satisfy criteria 1 – buying me pints - so he’s no longer a child).

This is my lovely nephew;

Oh and by the way, not a freak, a sweetie

You may have seen him somewhere before. This was taken a few years ago. He looks like this now.

He's a bad one alright

This is what comes of having Angry Chimp as an uncle. It grinds you down.

TWO: Don’t fret folks, any snaps of children on this blog will conform to the UK regulations on kiddie fiddling. This regulation states: Any adult that talks about children, thinks about children, are in the same location as children, ever done a search on google for pictures of children, no matter how innocent, are DIRTY EVIL PAEDOPHILES and should immediately be reported to the authorities;

Kiddie porn
Panda porn is also looked down on

Angry Chimp is now nervous, and certain he is on some sort of register after doing a picture search for children on google for this post - I swear they were all fully clothed (Christ, I hate kids, I certainly don't want to see the disgusting little shit stained abortion dodgers naked!)

Of course, paedophiles are members of an exclusive club, the club of people who love children unquestionably. The only other members of this club are parents. The major difference between paedophiles and parents are that parents don’t get a thrill from touching children’s winkies, and that parents tend to look less like paedophiles than paedophiles.

Loving, decent folk look like this;

Sensible couple with moustaches and sexual repression

Paedophiles look more like this;

they touch kids
Evil, pure evil, all of them.

Children weren’t always crap, in the old days children were supposed to have been seen but not heard. This was a golden age.

Children then looked mostly like this;

angel child
Angry Chimp says this child is an angel.

Now it appears children must be seen, heard, t
reated as equals and be allowed to act like adults.

Unfortunately, the adults these children act like, are the pig thick, over opinionated, aggressively self-centred, socially lacking, cunt holes. You know, like your mate Dave.

Children allowed to act like adults is of course, bollocks.

If anyone under 16 wants to be treated as an adult then they should be given a shitty soul-destroying job, a series of disastrous relationships, which slowly chip away at any vestiges of dignity
and self-respect you may have clung to, and a mortgage. Then they can be treated like an adult.

Regular child
How children really look.

The majority of teenagers are of course vile. Really, truly vile. This is mostly because parents today are rubbish.

This is mine and my generation’s fault.

We thought it was cool to be all modern and try to relate to our children more than our parents did.

There would be no more rules without explanation, no more play that can potentially cause harm to a child (not so much as a scratch) and certainly no child would ever again be sad and be without absolutely everything they wanted.

We were wrong.

This approach has not so much created a generation of well-adjusted, self-effacing, respectful saints; rather it’s created a generation of monsters.

Heaven help us all.

Angry Chimp cannot write anymore on the subject of children because his flesh is crawling.

PLEASE NOTE: The only children that aren’t crap are the ones that are physically or mentally ill. These children are IMMEDIATELY little angels/ brave heros etc... and can never ever ever do any wrong.

That is the law.

regular brat warning

This is a work in progress post, which I will republish at a later date when I've included your feedback (please, I need the feedback man!) and some references to other blogs re: hairless screech monkeys - I'm looking at you Tina and Trillion .

Previous crap animals;

No.35 The Wasp
No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra


Sniffy said...

Well, the Chimp has got this absolutely 100% correctamundo. I fucking hate kids. Examples of decent kids are so rare that it's scary. This is because there are very few examples of decent parents, although I'm assured soem do exist. I certainly hope so.

God, this post has made my blood boil with the ire it's generated!

Kids are not "precious", they're a drain on resources. Girls are manipulative and boys are just useless. Not that I'm one to generalise or anything.

It's about time somebody put the little bastards to good use, or locked them all up, and the bastards that sporn them want a good kicking too.

As for teenagers? They're either abusive and dangerous or stuck up little know-it-all spastics, the lot of them. Check out my experiences of the little shits at my post Lock 'em all up.

Nice use of the Child Catcher there, I'm surprised nobody thought of it sooner.

Finally, jeez Herge, you haven't changed a bit, have you? You little cutie, you!

pissoff said...

Just what I suspected - the baby chimp.

Steve Dix said...

Her Maj's friends are coming at the weekend, and bringing their offspring with them.

This is the last thing that I needed to know on a Monday.

Oh God I'm depressed.

Herge Smith said...

tina - april - What do you mean? I'm not in there. Ho ho.

Steve - sorry to hear that man, just drink really heavily all weekend, it's the only way to make it through.

Sniffy said...

Drink really heavily and be abusive so as they never want to come and visit ever again.

Karen said...

You *were* a cute little kid, Herge.

Brr! You were right to include kids in the Crap Animal category. Most of them are insufferable. Just be glad your parents were silly enough to have you, and BREAK THE CYCLE. Cut the swim lanes. Wear a rubber. Stick to back door.

Herge Smith said...

Karen, Tina and April, is it really that obvious that one of these kids is me?

I figured that'd fox y'all.

But seriously, as for my nephew miles - he's a sweetie - my sister now thinks I'm evil - she found my sweetie or freakoid blog and was not that amused.

Miles hasn't seen it yet mind, and I'm hoping my nice comments here will make up for it.

Rowan said...

Brilliant! Simply brilliantI have kids, but I am 100% in agreement with you. At last, someone who won't call me archaic!

Herge Smith said...

Hey Rowan, thanks for the support - It's weird innit? - the more parents give their kids so-called 'freedom' the less freedom their kids have - they're being robbed of their childhoods.

When I was a kid, I felt like I was a kid upto my teens - now it seems like kids need to grow up by last 10's. Such a shame.

Connie said...

I can't stand kids who know, when they talk in a whiny voice about everything. they should be euthanised before they turn into pathetic adults who need therapy and anti-depressants.

....and Yes Herge, its true, you were absolutly cute looking lil' gaffer.

portuguesa nova said...

If this ever gets published in a magazine, I will be a lifetime subscriber to that magazine, and maybe even continue to subscribe from the grave, because I know that the contents of any magazine containing this post will speak to me.

Does that make me evil?

Herge Smith said...

Connie, how do you all know which one I am?

Ms Nova, you are most welcome. And yes, sadly being interested in this post does make you evil.

Nevermind though, the devil got the best tunes after all.

Sniffy said...

Oh, dear Herge, I do love you you know. You have got your own little place in my heart.

Herge Smith said...

And I'm not even a librarian. Although I do share their interest in books

Sniffy said...

You don't need to be a librarian to have a plce in my heart - I'm very inclusive.

Some might say desperate.

My philosophy is "anything with a pulse or a battery".

Connie said...

Oh poor ol' desperate Tina.... I do believe she just referred to you as "a pulse" and compared you to a vibrator there Herge, how do you feel about that?

Sniffy said...

Now, now Connie, don't be bitchy - just because you're all loved up and sorted out with the lovely Jenn!

I'm actually being honest in saying that young Herge is quite a catch, although I'm probably far too old for him.

I'm a terrible flirt. Quite literally, terrible.

Herge Smith said...

Being compared to a vibrator ain't so bad, at least they're known to 'satisfy' a lady.

Tina - you're the same age as me I think. Didn't you say you were 6/7 in 1977 - when Star Wars came out?

Sniffy said...

Yes, I was 6 going on 7.

thordora said...

i hate everyone's kids except mine. Cause mine will tell people to fuck off.

Plus, other people's kids smell weird.

Nobody Special said...

I assumed you were the sweetie/freakoid kid when you first posted that piccie.

Then again, I suspected you had a tiny wee pooch (oi, oi) but I was right about that.

We all make mistakes as the dalak said climbing off the dustbin

Nobody Special said...

Spelling mostly. God, I'm crap.