Monday, May 09, 2005

Crap animal No.35: The Wasp

oooh very scary
How did she fix her lippy?

The term "wasp" has little taxonomic meaning, as it applies to many different kinds of insects, such as the ‘little sod’, the ‘smug git’, most politicians and of course ‘that bastard jasper’.

Nearly all the social wasps are in the family Vespidae (which makes them sound quite posh), whose members are easily identified by their habit of folding their wings lengthwise (a family of closely related wasps, the Eumenidae, shares this habit).

Most Vespids are black with yellow or white markings, which clearly mark them as potent stingers; Vespers on the other hand are stupid little mopeds, which clearly mark them as carrying a pretentious cunt.

As meat-eaters, they fill either carnivorous or carrion-feeding niches. Social wasps are ecologically important, removing large numbers of plant-eating insects from their ecological communities.

I’m afraid that last paragraph was put together by the same team that build the Governments case for the war in Iraq. It’s bollocks. Wasps are the insect equivalent of the TV Celebrity; they serve absolutely no purpose, whilst at the same time really giving you the hump.

hold still a moment
Got ya!

No one likes wasps, except those people who dedicate their lives to the study of them, but then no one likes those people either, so their opinion doesn’t really count.

What’s more, with those Nancy-boy black and yellow jackets they flit about in, they look like a mini Nick Leeson, which is another mark against them.

Wasps, like Leeson, are complete bastards.

Not only do Wasps appear the very same moment you say to someone,

“What a beautiful day”,

But they can give you a right nasty sting.

Bees on the other hand rule – all furry and busy. They sort us out with honey and if they sting you – bam – they die. So, if they do sting you, it’s not like it was simply being malicious, it gave its life to hurt you. And knowing you as I do, who can blame it?

hey there sexy lady
Angy Chimp confused...

Wasps or Jaspers Jaspers! As we called them as kids, sting willy-nilly, it doesn’t harm them, in fact they fucking love giving you a dose of poison for having the audacity of being in the sunshine, being in your own home, or just being. And unlike our friend, the bee, the wasp can and WILL sting you multiple times.

A recent research project at Cambridge stuck tiny microphones on a wasp and recorded the sound it made as it stung a young baby boy. This is a transcript of the attack.

“Come on! C’mon then! Think ya fuckin’ ‘ard enough, do ya? Fuckin’ take that!! Yeah you fucker! Take that! Have some this… I’ve got plenty more where that came from. Take that! And that! and that… oh dear…crying for your mummy now are we? Fucker, take that and that!! (Recording ends)"

Worse still, that little fucker can kill you. If you are particularly allergic, like a weak child, or if the wanker gets you in your mouth and stings your throat then it’s anaphylaxis shock and a slow and painful death for you, boyo.

That is why they must be terminated, with extreme prejudice.

They loved eachother, it was a love no one understood.

Now typically I’m a wishy-washy bleeding heart liberal, I cry when a butterfly dies and fall apart if a cute (flea ridden) bunny rabbit is crushed beneath the wheels of my mighty vroom-vroom, but when it goes to Wasps, I’m like Adolf making plans for the Jews.

This delightful Entomology page gives some helpful advice on destroying wasps, which includes,

·Locate the nest and destroy with insecticide (done by licensed operators within council or private contractors).
·Traps (commercial or home-made) may alleviate problems with small-localised populations.

I find the paperback novel, rolled up newspaper/ trash celebrity magazine (it needs to serve some sort of purpose I suppose) or even a fly swot, are most effective (I prefer the Starck’s Dr Skud, swatter from Alessi, but then I am up myself).

This is especially true if it’s backed by blood lust and a misplaced sense of righteous indignation and genocidal hatred.

Are all WASPs cunts?

Of course, WASP also stands for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant – which I don’t know that much about, but I’m sure I don’t care for them. There was also a really shitty band called WASP back in the day. They are all dead now, or at least they should be.

So the question remains, is the Vespula germanica evil? I don’t think so, they’re just like estate agents; you really don’t want anything to do with them, when they are around they buzz about trying to act important, whilst actually serving not real purpose and then they typically end up sting you (ho-ho)

Then again, perhaps they are evil – KILL ‘EM ALL – and the wasps.

Previous crap animals;

No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra


Sniffy said...

Excellent, truly excellent. You've captured the thoughts of every living being with that post. Wasps are evil bastards and I led a traumatised childhood because I thought that a wasp that had stung me was actually a vampire.

A few summers ago, I thought I was going mental; hearing scratch, scratch, scratch in my bedroom walls all night while I was trying to sleep. Then the wasps started coming into my bedroom through the open window. The bastards were nesting in the eves above the window. Why? Why there of all places? Fucking bastards!

Bastards, the lot of them.

chris said...

this Cambridge boffin types, what will they think of next?


Although I have to think that "Bonfire of the Vanities" style WASPS are more dangerous, you can't hear them coming...

Sniffy said...

I've just been told off in my own blog by some kid! Me, told off for launching into my daily attack on the Labour party! In my own blog!!

I feel like I've been mugged by the Red Hand Gang. I'm scared to go back there. Can somebody check to see if it's OK?

SL said...

I'm glad I requested this. Both vehement and funny. Class work.

I'll have to think of another truly useless creature. Something along the lines of, oh, I don't know, Jack Straw. But a more original and difficult target.

Sniffy said...

On the subject of crap animals. I was sent an e-mail with loads of animal photos today, one of them was of a giant panda going down a slide on its tummy. It looked really pathetic.

Herge Smith said...

I'm open to suggestions on new crap animals.

boabhan sith said...

Damn wasps!

april said...

You are truly magnificent Herge. It's a shame I can't say the same about wasps. They're bastards - my daughters been stung three times this year already. Kill 'em all and let God sort em out - except the nice, fuzzy, honey bees of course.

A Blogger said...

Question, how do you know if you are allergic to wasps, if like me, you have never been stung? Isn't that going to be a little too late to find out?

I can face being killed by Mr. Blue, but to have my life ended by a WASP?


Herge Smith said...

Sam, I think you can get a check done at a the GPs or something... I dunno actually, I just made that up. Alternatively you can just get stung and have a friend with you to rush you to casualty... it's an idea.

Chris - those boffin are ALL MAD!! I tell you. What the transcript didn't pick up is the fact that all wasps seem to have a 'geezer' accent. Rather east-end villian sorta thing.

Serial Loser - thanks for the tip on the Jasper - any other suggestions welcome.

Ms Sith, as always a pleasure - and I agree - damn wasps!

April - you are most welcome, and tar, magnificent may be going a little far... no okay it's true. I'm a tad concerned that the wasps have it in for your daughter... hmmm

Tina, I long to be told off in my own blog, maybe one day...

Karen said...

I've traumatized some old WASPs before... Dated their sons, heh. Just doin' my part...

Connie said...

heh heh... You get a gold star for mentioning the band WASP on this post... probably the first and last person in history to do so!

P.S. - Look at you with 12 comments!... hope the jealousy and bitterness from Tina's post today has subsided.... oh the laughs I had despite it all....

Anonymous said...

Herge, you're so wrong. Not about wasps, they're nasty little fuckers, but your comment about bees being okay? Nooooo. Had one in my living room on Sunday that was enormous - like a dog with wings - making a huge racket it was. Didn't approve of my taste in soft furnishings apparently. Insects of that proportion should not be allowed a pilot's licence. If one of those flew down your throat you wouldn't have to worry about getting stung, you'd asphyxiate first. Humph!


Herge Smith said...

Connie - were you a fan of WASP then? are they still going? are they doing a come back like the Crue?

Karen - WASP parents make me shudder just thinking about them... all respectable on the surface, but underneath it's all child eating and milk in the tea cup before the water - very scary.

Trillion - Bees are fine, although I think this might prompt a WASP Vs BEE challenge.

And Trillion, can you settle a arguement me and the 'Sniffer have been having - Which of our blogs did you comment on first?

Anonymous said...

Vespers on the other hand are stupid little mopeds, which clearly mark them as carrying a pretentious cunt.

Hahahahahah. Loved it.

Hate bastard wasps, smash, kill, maim.

Herge Smith said...

Convict - yes maim kill etc... must be a right bastard when one gets in the cell. As for Vespers... was that right... is it vespers that I'm thinking of?

Anonymous said...

Much as I love a good argument, I'll put you out of your misery.

Herge, (if that is in fact your real name) I commented on your blog first with the whole mispronunciation thing and Tina's about a week or so later. I'd been quietly reading your stuff for a while until you did the whole drama queen routine about nobody commenting on your blog so I came out of the shadows and said hello.

It was through reading Tina's blog that I discovered yours in the first place though.

Wasp v bee excellent idea. Could start a theme of animal death matches. Who would win out of a sloth and a panda, I wonder?


P.S. Tina, I think you must be getting me mixed up with somebody else...

weenie said...

Nice one - I mean what is the point of wasps except to torment people in the summer???

Herge Smith said...

Hey Trillion, thanks for clearing that up. Although due to the diplomatic answer I'm not certain who wins, but then we're all winners at Angry Chimp and Cakesniffers - except when I'm being a DRAMA QUEEN - ouch. Bees Vs Wasps is defo a go, not sure about the panda Vs Sloth - christ that would be dull wouldn't it -

"Sloth lifts an index finger, panda scratches its arse" Hmm...

Keep suggesting though - PLEASE I'm running out of ideas - Have you seen "My mate Dave"??? That's all you'll get till I get some better ideas.

Weenie - Welcome back - Wasps - yeah - wankers!!

Anonymous said...

Me being diplomatic - now there's a first!!! You're both great and help me get through the day in my shitty little job.

Okay, Herge, I'll share something with you now, knowing it won't go any further. I'm absolutely scared to death of sloths. There I've said it. It's okay, you can laugh. I find the whole business of their slow creeping, long-armed, freaky-faced, hollow-eyed, menacing stare totally and completely terrifying. They're like rainforest zombies just hanging from the trees. Their slow, frail movements are just an act you know? You turn away for one second and suddenly they'd be right in your face. Urgggghh! Brings me out in a cold sweat just thinking about it.

Thought the drama queen comment would get to you!


Herge Smith said...

Is it possible the sloth is just a zombified pigmy (is that a politically correct term - should it be 'life impaired'?

Do you get many sloths round your way?

Why don't you blog? You have great ideas and every comment you leave is funny. Plus, you'll be starting off with people who'll read it from the get-go (and not drama queen struggle like me and the T).

Just a thinking, like.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm. Interesting question. I thought about it, I even made a bit of a start but the pressure to be amusing was too great. What if what I think is funny, other people find dull? What if I can't manage to communicate things in an amusing manner? I could turn out to be the blogger equivalent of my dad telling a joke and make you read through several lines of preamble and then blow the punchline.

Maybe I'll try again just for you but are you sure you could handle the competition? You can be a bit of a drama queen, remember?


Herge Smith said...

Trillion -As far as competition goes - well I'd be supportive at first, but then when I realise you are much funnier than me I'll start to snub you and make aggressive comments about you over at Cakesniffer.

Seriously though - Go for it! Honestly, put your worries aside, once you start you will find it 'sorta' rewarding - mind you saying that it did take about two months for anyone to comment on my blog - As it happens Tina was the 1st to comment (outside of people I knew).

And don't worry about being funny - if you find something funny, and your honest in your humour, someone else will get it - look at 'My Mate Dave' - 4 posts and not a sniffer (sans my trusted friend) and then bam! people get what it's about. If someone could explain to me now what it's about that would be great.

The other good thing about this is the fact you can be as open or as anon as you like. For example I assume your real name isn't Trisha McMillan.

Anyway, this is getting overly serious now - back to Wasps are twats.

Sniffy said...

Trillion, you are such a fucking flirt!

Herge, don't let her play your games with you. She's just trying to come between us and spoil the beautiful thing we have going on here.

In terms of pressure to be amusing, well it's up to the blogger to decide the slant of their blog. It's also up to you whether having lots of comments matters.

Herge Smith said...

That's a tricky one.

I like comments now (and it took ages to get any - thanks T!!) but when I started I just thought it was fun.

Tina's right about the slant. Not all blogs are funny, and some of the 'humour' ones are piss poor - a subject Tina and I have discussed over the past couple of months (along the line of 'All these other bloggers are cunts etc...')

Sniffy said...

Most other people are cunts, full stop.

I don't just read blogs because they promise to be funny though (because invariably they're not). It's interesting to have a look into other people's lives sometimes and see what their take on the world is.

Herge Smith said...

Yeah I do that as well... but only the funny ones.


Anonymous said...

Oh dear, I seem to have put the crumbs amongst the cakesniffers now...

Maybe it's best if I just stay as a non-blogger. I don't want to gooseberry on what you two have going. Call be paranoid but I'm sort of getting the vibe that Tina finds me as welcome as a turd in a punchbowl.

Nevertheless, I appreciate what you've both said and maybe I'll find the motivation and give it a go.


Herge Smith said...

Yeah you're paranoid.

You have to blog now, you're part of the gang - actually check here;

Half an identity

This proves it.

Sniffy said...

I love having Trillion around and I think the blogging community needs people like her to contribute fully. I'd love to be party to something she'd produce because it'd probably very good.

Anonymous said...

Aw shucks guys, you do want me in your gang. But seriously, all over Tina like a rash???? You make me sound like one of those terrible librarian thingies. I shudder at the thought...


Rowan said...

LOL! Ingenious! I just popped over from ABlogger's site. Wanted to visit and say "hi"