Crap animal No.35: The Wasp

How did she fix her lippy?

The term "wasp" has little taxonomic meaning, as it applies to many different kinds of insects, such as the ‘little sod’, the ‘smug git’, most politicians and of course ‘that bastard jasper’.

Nearly all the social wasps are in the family Vespidae (which makes them sound quite posh), whose members are easily identified by their habit of folding their wings lengthwise (a family of closely related wasps, the Eumenidae, shares this habit).

Most Vespids are black with yellow or white markings, which clearly mark them as potent stingers; Vespers on the other hand are stupid little mopeds, which clearly mark them as carrying a pretentious cunt.

As meat-eaters, they fill either carnivorous or carrion-feeding niches. Social wasps are ecologically important, removing large numbers of plant-eating insects from their ecological communities.

I’m afraid that last paragraph was put together by the same team that build the Governments case for the war in Iraq. It’s bollocks. Wasps are the insect equivalent of the TV Celebrity; they serve absolutely no purpose, whilst at the same time really giving you the hump.

Got ya!

No one likes wasps, except those people who dedicate their lives to the study of them, but then no one likes those people either, so their opinion doesn’t really count.

What’s more, with those Nancy-boy black and yellow jackets they flit about in, they look like a mini Nick Leeson, which is another mark against them.

Wasps, like Leeson, are complete bastards.

Not only do Wasps appear the very same moment you say to someone,

“What a beautiful day”,

But they can give you a right nasty sting.

Bees on the other hand rule – all furry and busy. They sort us out with honey and if they sting you – bam – they die. So, if they do sting you, it’s not like it was simply being malicious, it gave its life to hurt you. And knowing you as I do, who can blame it?

Angy Chimp confused...

Wasps or Jaspers Jaspers! As we called them as kids, sting willy-nilly, it doesn’t harm them, in fact they fucking love giving you a dose of poison for having the audacity of being in the sunshine, being in your own home, or just being. And unlike our friend, the bee, the wasp can and WILL sting you multiple times.

A recent research project at Cambridge stuck tiny microphones on a wasp and recorded the sound it made as it stung a young baby boy. This is a transcript of the attack.

“Come on! C’mon then! Think ya fuckin’ ‘ard enough, do ya? Fuckin’ take that!! Yeah you fucker! Take that! Have some this… I’ve got plenty more where that came from. Take that! And that! and that… oh dear…crying for your mummy now are we? Fucker, take that and that!! (Recording ends)"

Worse still, that little fucker can kill you. If you are particularly allergic, like a weak child, or if the wanker gets you in your mouth and stings your throat then it’s anaphylaxis shock and a slow and painful death for you, boyo.

That is why they must be terminated, with extreme prejudice.

They loved eachother, it was a love no one understood.

Now typically I’m a wishy-washy bleeding heart liberal, I cry when a butterfly dies and fall apart if a cute (flea ridden) bunny rabbit is crushed beneath the wheels of my mighty vroom-vroom, but when it goes to Wasps, I’m like Adolf making plans for the Jews.

This delightful Entomology page gives some helpful advice on destroying wasps, which includes,

·Locate the nest and destroy with insecticide (done by licensed operators within council or private contractors).
·Traps (commercial or home-made) may alleviate problems with small-localised populations.

I find the paperback novel, rolled up newspaper/ trash celebrity magazine (it needs to serve some sort of purpose I suppose) or even a fly swot, are most effective (I prefer the Starck’s Dr Skud, swatter from Alessi, but then I am up myself).

This is especially true if it’s backed by blood lust and a misplaced sense of righteous indignation and genocidal hatred.

Are all WASPs cunts?

Of course, WASP also stands for White Anglo-Saxon Protestant – which I don’t know that much about, but I’m sure I don’t care for them. There was also a really shitty band called WASP back in the day. They are all dead now, or at least they should be.

So the question remains, is the Vespula germanica evil? I don’t think so, they’re just like estate agents; you really don’t want anything to do with them, when they are around they buzz about trying to act important, whilst actually serving not real purpose and then they typically end up sting you (ho-ho)

Then again, perhaps they are evil – KILL ‘EM ALL – and the wasps.

Previous crap animals;

No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra