Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Crap animals No 26: The Miniature Dachshund

don't I look great
The Miniature Dachshund - it's a smooth I believe, and a tan at that.

The Dachshund, or Sausage Dog to the proles, is the result of about 6000 years of selective breeding – so it took 6000 years to go from wolf to stupid small freak dog.

That means, if the Nazi’s had had the past 60 old years to tinker with genetics and that, we would still only be at the level of Thom Yorke in terms of a truly fucked up human.

The first out-and-about short-legged Dachshund ‘type’ dog appeared in Europe back in the 16th Century, where they were used by farmers and hunters to go to earth after badgers. (Hence name – Badger Dog)

By the 18th century the Germans decided the standard Dachshund, which was already ridiculously small, was still too big, unable as it was to fit in a gamekeepers back pocket, along with his penknife, bratwurst, keys and fags.

Hence the miniature was born.

And what a truly stooped creature this is.

Right, this is a very straight man with a small dog. Okay?

You just don’t see that many being used as working dogs anymore, and even when they are, it’s not like they’re Border Collies - y'know, useful or anything. Unlike the Miniature Dachshund, the Collie is smart and can be trained to obey, and fetch your Patrick Cox's, just like a small child. (Although you may need to use a stick in the case of the small child)

Dachshunds are known as a ‘lap dogs’, but the fact of the matter is, if one of these little runts started grinding its arse into my groin and tried to charge me 15 quid for the pleasure, I’d be forced to have words with its owner.

What I would like to know is, are there really that many old ladies in the world to look after these things?

Not only are these small doggies the equivalent of a clubbed seal on a lead, they are a hazard. If you ever see one when you are out walking, I suggest crossing over onto the other side of road, because if you get near this little bastard, you are going down. Hard.

What are they for?

Is it just so people can ‘coo’? And you, the owner can gain some twisted form of kudos for having such an odd dog?

Is it because babies have a tendency to grow into spiky haired, arrogant gob-shites, but the mini-dachs retains its look of small, vulnerable, and dare I say, ‘cute’ until their overly long and completely impractical backs give out and you have to refuse to have the shit drive round in a little cart so you have it killed at the vets? Which upsets the kids terribly but works out better for your bank balance and self respect (despite the fact that if you own one of these, your self respect must have already bottomed out)

oh dear
Darth Dachshund, more machine now than small dog, twisted and evil

They are also one of those animals, which seem to always garner the same response in strangers – once the cooing ends;

“How old is it, is it a puppy?”
“Was it a Doberman that you walked too much?” (Ooh, my sides are splitting)
“What is it? Is it poorly?”
"That could kill my bull terrier/ rottweiller. It'd get caught in my dogs throat as it was being swallowed"

If you want a dog, get a dog! This is like a starter dog, you try it, you move on to the real thing.

Oh, and one last thing, you know that expression, 'A dog is a man's best friend'? - Let me tell you, if some dog is your bezzie mate, you are really in trouble dude.

UPDATE ON No.18 the Giant Panda

In my previous crap animal, I took a balanced look at the Panda and questioned their reluctance to ‘get it on’ and breed in captivity. I had a great ‘anonymous’ comment who suggested that their maybe a more obvious reason for their reticence around the ladies;

“The problem with pandas is that 97.2% of them are gay. Therefore reducing the likelihood of mating activity in the zoo. To create a successful captive breeding program the gay ones need to be whittled out, and straight pandas put in their place. Simple. Except it's hard to tell straight from gay - the panda community like to keep us guessing.”

Obvious really.

Previous crap animals;

No.18 The Giant Panda
No. 47 The Zebra


Sniffy said...

I thought the doberman joke was quite funny. Then again, I think farts and people falling over are the highest form of comedy known to mankind. What about people farting while they fall over? Even better is the "mum fart" when your usually demure, 70 year old ma lets one rip as she struggles out of the arm chair.

Sniffy said...

Is that you in the picture?

Herge Smith said...


I would never own a tan dachshund.

He's direct from the internet, where I source the majority of my 'official' news photos.

boabhan sith said...

LOL...I like the picture of the "straight man" with the wienner dog...I think my gay-dar was going off, though.


A Blogger said...

"Darth Dachshund, more machine now than small dog, twisted and evil"

Sooo funny. Just what I needed! Wondered if the gay guy was you ~ glad lt's not!


boabhan sith said...

...I'm linking ya too me...

LOL, my blog that is.

Sniffy said...

I think that gay bloke looks rather handsome.

Herge Smith said...

Ms Sith - Anything to do with Star Wars? Such a cool name - I should be Herge Sith, Dark Lord of the Bloggers.

I meant to mention that you guys in the US call them Wienners, that has to be another reason they are so stupid.

Tina, handsome he may be, but he looks like he's about to 'do' something to that poor smooth haired mini, tan.

You can literally hear him going;


Sniffy said...

Well, that miniature beast certainly is a handsome specimen. I think I've actually seen a picture of you anyway. You look like somebody who wouldn't be out of place in a Radio 4 documentary or play, or perhaps even a Labour Party or teachers' union conference.

Wieners? I thought that's what they called sausages. Oh, you mean the sausage dog things, I thought your were referring to "bloggers". Silly me.

Herge Smith said...

Oh yeah, tar for the shout out boabhan, I'll link likewise next time I'm tinkering in the html.

Tina, as for any picture you may have stumbled across of me on the interweb, remember don't believe anything you read or see.

Not unless it appears on ANGRY CHIMP - home of the TRUTH (from a certain point of view).

edwaado said...

I think it's Rupert Everet

Steve Dix said...

Actually, they're now called "Dackels" in germany, for some reason.

They're still psychopathic little hate machines, though.

Just remember, inside every Dachshund is a wolf, wondering what the hell happened...

SL said...

Can I suggest, if you haven't already done it, the humble wasp gets a battering.

Most pointless creature on this planet.

Herge Smith said...

Good point Serial,

and not just pointless but a right little fucker as well.

He's on the list.

Linsey B said...

This is going to sound all too nice and not fit for this discussion, but my experience of the Daxie is nothing but positive. Wasps, on the other hand, are little shits.

Anonymous said...

Good lord mate, I thought I would die of laughter reading this post. Seriously funny. I have a border collie myself and my roomate of 4 months has a weenie dog (NOT a real dog) and I. HATE. IT. It's useless. Dachshunds are all about themselves, definitely NOT altruistic, and their owners are starving for affection. Never met a nastier dog than these little balls of crap. All it does from the time she gets home is sit in her lap. If it weren't for her paying half the rent in the flat, I'd kick her out. Thought it would work out, the dog was sweet at first, now it's just a pain in my arse. And my dog's too.

Anonymous said...

I feckin hate those ugly, nasty smelly little shitwick fuckwits. Weenie dogs are shit.

Lawrence Phelps said...

I have had a few dachshunds and they love chocolate but don't seem to live long. They get lethargic and then pass away.

Anonymous said...

The only good dachshund is a dead one. Nastiest fucking things on the planet. Their owners are all like "i love my baby" but those little shits need to be thrown to the gators. Except gators don't eat junk food. Shitsicles.

Laurent shelby said...

Dachshund is dangerous
They killed a poor baby in France
In 2002 in new York too
Injured severely a baby
Thé ugly dachshund of my friend
At Miami hollywood
Is not Nice
Dog is a dog thats All