Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Singer Dido dies aged 13 ¾.

Dido favourite subjet
Dido: England's other rose, gone.

It has been revealed today that singer/ songwriter Dido, was found dead in the early hours of Tuesday morning at her north London flat. She died of a suspected ennui attack.

Dido was aged 13 ¾.

Dido shot to fame in 2002, following a notorious video from ‘controversial’ US rap star Eminem. The video for the song, ‘Look at me, I swear, you melon farmers’, featured a scene in which Dido fellates the bleached rapper before offering a ‘cum swap’ to another up and coming singer song writer, Katie Melua. The tune stormed both the US and UK charts with the video securing Dido recognition with the ‘retard music buying mallrat market’.

Dido released her first single, ‘Sore but worth it’ a month later. It shot to number 1 in the UK charts and featured the lyric, ‘I will go down on that ship’, which was a reference to her career making appearance in the Eminem video.

She would often state that she would do anything for fame, “What else is there?” She remarked when interviewed by Angry Chimp in 2004, “I was poor as a kid, like all the shazzes that buy my CDs, that’s why they love me, because I speak to them, and bring some light and understanding into their pathetic, depressing, pregnant at twelve with a chaz’s baby, utterly pointless existences”.

Dido coke habit
She had a bit of a fondness for 'charley', video reveals.

Dido, real name Dame Elizabeth Felchingham-Swallows, had been suffering for a number of years with ‘feeling slightly sad when I see people worse off than me’. It’s feared that this condition may have been exacerbated following an altercation with a ‘Homeless’ outside Selfridges
London, food court, on Monday evening.

Upon leaving the world famous department store, it is alleged that Guy Morris, a ‘care in the community’ patient, asked Dido for directions to Bond Street Station.

Eyewitness, Belle Hanson said, “He went up to her, asked for the right way to go, she just freaked out, waving her arms about and screaming, rape. She scared the shit out of the poor bastard. I don’t know if he actually found the tube or not”.


“She was just so very fragile, like a particularly fragile piece of thin porcelain,” Said her Father, Lord Felchingham-Shallows, speaking to reporters outside his 10-thousand acre Home Counties estate today. “Lizzie, oh sorry, Di…do didn’t have an easy childhood like a lot of these young people that hang around chip shops that you read about in the Daily Mail. We didn’t get her a pony until she was seven, she knew what it was to suffer.”

Dido will be remembered for her introspective, ‘maudlin’ songs, which often focused solely around herself. In fact, a study by the teen magazine, The New Music Express, revealed that on her debut album ‘No Angel’ (which ran for a total of 41 minutes), she used the word ‘me’ 743 times.

Dido album
Second album, same old shit, says NME

Editor of the paper, Johnny Briggs, accompanied as ever by Razzle and wearing his golden belt, had this to say about Dido; “She was without doubt a blight on the music scene, her music was tedious, she was incredible self-obsessed, she didn’t give a fuck about anyone else around her, and she looked like a fucking mess.”

He said before adding, “Thinking about it now, she was more punk than the majority of the tossers we’re currently writing about in that sorry excuse for a sixth form newsletter we call NME”.

Dido is survived by a great sense of self worth and a couple of CDs, which can be used as coasters.


8 comments:

chris said...

not a fan then? ;)

Herge Smith said...

Hey, it wasn't me that said Dido was an intrinsic moral evil.

That was the Pope, and the Pope should know what's intrinsically morally evil. I believe he has a mirror.

chris said...

Hey, it wasn't me that said Dido was an intrinsic moral evil.

You've lost me there. And it turns out that google wasn't any help either.

but either way your post has made me laugh.

Sniffy said...

Like you always try to emphasise, you just report the news. It'll sink in eventually.

Sniffy said...

Yo, Monsieur le Chimp. Just checked out the Guardian blog site and made mention of Angry Chimp. I told them that they should stop with all their lefty "we love Tony" crap and start reporting on real issues like you do.

Is Dido squeezing blackheads in that photo?

As far as Sam goes, it's getting a wee bit scary. Let's hope she's just too busy clowning around or that she's having technical problems.

Did you know that I got a comment from James Henry? He's one of the writers of Green Wing and he does the "James and blue cat" blog (linked through the Guardian site).

Tried that delicious coffeemate recipe yet?

Herge Smith said...

Thanks for that Tina,

Have you seen the shit that the Guardian list?

Fuck me, what a bunch of self loving cunts.

Sooo glad Dido is dead, been meaning to report it for ages, but never really seemed that important.

I've left a couple of comments on Mr Henry's blog but it appears he hasn't realised how much funnier I am than him - or indeed anyone, other than Cakesniffer that is.

They learn though, all 50 million fucking useless bloggers -

Hold on...

mmm... lovely coffeemate, no hold, it's a glass of water.

It's been a week now since Sam posted... tis a fear.

Herge Smith said...

Just a quickie,

if by any chance you are reading this and wondering who this SAM me and Tina are banging on about - well she is a woman on the run from a dark past. She went missing last week, but the good news is, SHE'S BACK!

Check her out here;

Half an identity

Sniffy said...

Yes, she's back. Phew!

How many of those blogs are described as: ramblings, rantings, musings, errr, can't think of the other synonyms, but you know what I mean? Oh yeah, random ramblings and rants. Jesus, as if I don't go on enough myself without reading some other self-obsessed twat's descriptions of "today I got up and fed the cat, then went to college, and tonight I'm gonna get pissed."

Much better to have juicy current affairs and clowns on the run from murderous stalkers!