POLITICS: Labour pledge to ban old farts to end congestion

Old people are to blame for this HELL!

The Government revealed plans today for how they intend to reduce the amount of traffic on Britain’s roads during peak times, should they be returned to office in May.

At the Labour Party morning press conference, John Prescott, Deputy Prime Minister, suggested that the solution to an impending ‘country wide gridlock, tighter than chinkie-teen fanny’ as he put it, was simple,

“We aim to ban all old people from the roads at rush hour”

When pushed to clarify exactly what this policy would entail Mr Prescott became characteristically agitated,

“Like I just bloody said, all old people off the sodding road when all us lot are trying to get to work. Got that?”

Later, during an interview with Zane Lowe, presenter of Radio 4’s Lunchtime news round up, The World at Lowe, Alan Milburn, official election gofer for Labour explained the plan in more detail.

“Basically we aim to remove approximately 35% of vehicles from the road. So between 7 am to 10.30am in the mornings, and then 3.30pm to 7pm in the evenings, we will restrict people of pension age without a job from driving.”

He said,

“The question you ask yourself is straightforward; why are these old fogies on the road at this time? The answer is they have nothing better to do. The problem however, is they are causing unnecessary congestion, especially when they drive their MX5’s, Porsches and Fiestas at 20 mph, fucking everywhere. When you look at the impact removing these doddering old fools from the roads will have, not just in terms of traffic, but also from a business perspective, well the policy speaks for itself”

Some analysis from our political editor, Ralph Kidson

Labour are expecting this policy to ‘free up’ the majority of UK roads during rush hour, with the knock on effect being an approximate 10 billion pounds a year in new business revenue from a massive increase in commuters getting to work on time.

It is estimated that Britain loses billions every year through lateness to work caused primarily by road congestion.

In addition, the policy will also be extend to all public transport, because as Mr Milburn argues,

“No one wants to sit next to a wrinkled, piss smelling old fart first thing in the morning. This Party firmly believes that it’s not just enough to have full employment in the UK; we want our work force to be happy to go to work. A happy work force is a more product work force”

Said Mr Milburn, before adding,

“And you can’t be happy if in the morning you have to hold your nose and feel depressed because Judge Death is sitting opposite you on the tube, bringing you down, man”.

They remember when it was all fields, and kids had respect

The Tory Party have already hit out at these plans suggesting that Labour are victimising a portion of the population that typically votes Conservative.

Shadow Roads Man, Ollie Letwin, speaking at the opening of a new Donkey Refuge in Stoke, said this about Labours newest election pledge,

“They (The Labour Party) frankly don’t give a fuck about the coffin dodger vote, hence this policy.”

He said, adding,

“They are simply ripping off our own policy, which is to follow the example of Saudi, and ban all woman from driving. There you go…”

He said,

“Problem sorted”.

Alan Titchmarsh of the Greens suggested his Party would go a step further;

“We’d impose a euthanasia tariff at aged 70. That way we could free up some space around the country and turn all the newly stiffed into a nice rich compost, which will let your beds breathe, and should produce some beautiful shoots once we get into the summer. There will be less oldies, but more flowers. Who can argue with that?”

The Liberal Democrats have yet to respond to Labours so-called ‘Grey Road’ pledge. However, a senior source inside the Lib Dem camp, suggests that the Party Leader, Wee Chucky K, is keen to ban all large German cars, including BMW and Audi from UK roads.

The source claims Charlie Boy wants them banned because when he gets in one, his feet never reach the pedals.

“They’re just not made for short arses” the source stated, “And that’s why Chuck’s got the hump over them”.

Ohhh it's getting exciting now - just how much will Labour win by?