Saturday, April 23, 2005

POLITICS: Charles Kennedy ‘not evil’ say Oxford boffins


Angry Chimp Election Coverage 3
Unfair and biased election reporting from Angry Chimp News

BREAKING NEWS: A paper published in the academic journal, ‘Clever Bastard’, has revealed that the British public regard Charles Kennedy, leader of the Liberal Party less of a ‘lying bastard’, than both the Conservative Party leader, Michael Howard, and The Leader of the Government, Tony Blair.

Oxford University’s ‘Pop Survey Department’, carried out the research that also demonstrated that although Chuck K was the less of a ‘bullshitter’ than Blair and Howard, his party was still least likely to win the General Election on May 5th.

Graph showing lying bastards
Graph showing naughty lies and big bad bullshit - Speaks for itself

Professor Octavia Smugsgrove-Lench, suggests that the results clearly demonstrates an inherent ‘savviness’ in the UK voters, rather than the usual perception that the British public are on the whole, semi-evolved, arse picking, chip butty scoffing, Daily Mail reading, soap opera watching, BBC Newsnight avoiding, morons, with Rovers.

“We call it the Corbomite rationale”, Prof Smugsgrove-Lench explained, referring to the episode of the Original Star Trek (or ‘Proper Star Trek’, as it’s known by virgin losers,), where Captain Kirk fibs his way out of a dire situation, then fingers an alien tart.

“Your average voter wants a leader that’ll do just about anything to protect his people, and if that involves lying, then public think that’s justifiable, or at the very least, ok”

This would certainly explain the lead Tony Blair currently commands in the polls, despite having been all but categorically proven to have told some ‘huge whoppers’ over the WMD issue prior to the invasion of Iraq.

“The K Man (Kennedy) is a man many people believe to be far too principled to lie,” continues the Prof, “Hence his relatively poor showing in the polls”.

Said Smugsgrove-Lench before adding, “Oh, and his parties frankly ludicrous and ill-conceived policies, they don’t help the polls much either.”

Graph showing how much of an evil bastard 3
BNP, as evil as Dido. Ouch, that's fucking evil!

Other research carried out by the Oxford Uni team, show that Charles Kennedy and the Liberals are viewed as the least ‘Evil Bastards’ of all the Parties running in the general election. The Liberals ranking is followed Tony Blair, Michael Howard and the Greens.

It will come as no surprise that Nick Griffin and his group of ‘fucking retarded Neanderthals’, the BNP (Bitter Nazi Party) are by far the most ‘Evil’ of all the Parties running.

Politicians across all Parties could do worse than to seriously consider the results from an additional study carried out by Doc Oct and his boys.

Graph showing what is important to UK voters3
What the Proles care about. Dog shit - yes, Terror - not so much.

The survey of ‘literally stacks’ of ‘eligible Proles’, as Prof Toff puts it, tells us that UK voters are less concerned with terrorism and immigration than they are with the price of a packet of the popular ‘warming up’ breakfast cereal, Ready Brek, and the return of ‘hard nut’ Phil Mitchell to Albert Square, in the BBC soap, Eastenders.

For further insightful comment and speculation surround this most exciting of elections, visit the following media outlets;

Cakesniffer's Beware! News
The Saturnynes Lounge Chronicle
Five - Indie Coverage '05

4 comments:

The Saturnyne said...

I laughed out loud at this post. Biscuit crumbs all over the keyboard, there was.

I shall be sending ya the cleaning bill forthwith, sir!

Ha-hah!

S.

Herge Smith said...

Thanks for that Mister S.

It's my aim to destroy all keyboards with mirth induced crumb spilage...

it's not a great plan i grant you.

Herge

Ian said...

Wow! It would appear that you have the same choice of leaders as we do here in Canada. Sucks eh?

As for the state of public broadcasting here, we've had those who would like to reign in the CBC television. Not CBC radio though. Funny. Everyone loves CBC Radio. At least, those of use who know it exists.

Good luck election day!

Linsey B said...

Andrew Marr should be worried; your coverage of the pending election is far superior.