Sunday, April 03, 2005

RoboPope - the future of 'Catholic' law enforcement?

RoboPope - finally, a bullet proof Pontiff.

Catholics around the globe are stunned by the recent announcement from the Vatican that the new Pope has already been selected just days after the previous Pope, John Paul 2nd, or PJP2 as he was more commonly known amongst fans of his hit ‘trance’ music, died after he lost his 10 year battle with stephacockaliticus,

Stephacockaliticus is a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Its most recent ‘celebrity victim’ being brain box, Carol Voderman.

Although initially shocked by the loss of PJP2, Catholics are now prolapsed with horror that the Vatican has decided to by-pass centuries of tradition in the selection of a new Pope.

In a statement made on Sunday Evening to the masses at St Peter’s Square, Rome, Marcus Pressganger, Head of PR for the Vatican said that the Catholic Church had for the past two years been working closely with a well-known Hollywood filmmaker. He went on to say that now PJP2 was ‘out of the way’ they could unveil their new Pope, or ‘RoboPope’ he cryptically added.

Merely moments later the new Pope leapt from the highest tower of the Vatican into the heart of St Peters Square, where worshippers could for the first time get a glimpse of their new pontiff.

21C, the registration name for the new Pope, is already a well-known figure to millions of fans of George Lucas’s hit historical documentary series, Star Wars. 21C plays the Evil General Grievous, a cyborg that helps the evil Emperor Palpatine hunt down and kill his enemies, the Jedi, in the new movie, The Revenge of the Sith.

21C in action as General Grievous, in new 'shite' Star Wars movie.

Pressganger said that the Vatican was extremely pleased that they had managed to secure the services of 21C as the new Pope.

“He (21C) is both organic and robotic and gives the Vatican the best of both worlds. The fastest reflexes modern technology has to offer, an on board computer assisted memory and a lifetime of on the street Catholicism programming.”

Pressganger went on to add that RoboPope was going to be, “a bad motherfucker”.

When asked if this new robotic Pope would be infallible, Pressganger simply shrugged and said, “Of course, he’s programmed to be”.

Some quarters of the ‘liberal’ press are already suggesting that this is a deeply cynical move to make the Papacy far more commercial. They say that the choice of 21C was made simply because he is a well known figure from the Star Wars franchise, and he comes with both a twenty five year warranty and a built in marketing deal with Kenner Toys and Burger King.

However the Vatican has refuted these claims, indicating that it was high time the Catholic Church modernised, and although they were unlikely to ever change tact with what Pressganger colourfully described as, “our hatred of gays, birds, darkies and foetus vacuuming, RoboPope does enable us to ditch the bullet-proofed Pope mobile. RP has a thick alloy shell that is fully able to withstand most explosive rounds.”

Said Pressganger before adding, “He’s like a fucking religious tank”.

Speaking later at a Press Conference, 21C said he was excited by the new role and intended to perform his functions to the best of his abilities.

“I obviously already know a lot about ‘The Force,’” 21C
said, adding, “and I hear Catholicism is much the same, albeit with far more intolerance and that”.

Although not originally commissioned as a Catholic, 21C recently converted from his original faith, Judaism to take on the job of Pope.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

ROBOPOPE is here....