Monday, January 30, 2006

Spent + Barrada

Can't think of a damn thing to blog about...

So he's a picture of the cover from my great new book;

Satisfying Shits with Angry Chimp

Itself a sequel to the smash hit recipe book I put out last year;

Cooking Nosh with Angry Chimp 2


As for the fabulous Name the Robot contest - Well, I have decided after all that, just to choose my favourite entry - It's my blog after all.

The winner is.




Nice one Dr.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Name the robot - VOTE NOW!

name the robot - neon

Here is the final list of names suggested for my tiny tin pal.

I would now like you all to select ONE and only ONE name from this list. If you are voting as an ANON please tell me who you are – I won’t be counting votes from ANON ANON’s (if you get what I mean).

ONE vote each please – first past the post wins.

In the event of a draw I will go with my own suggestion – ‘Shitty: the tiny tin robot’

The polls are now open – read the complete list below…

Pee wee
Mr. Pickles
Wee Dram
Air J
Gort Nano
Metal mickey
Private Iron (been done - Spaced)
I, Nobrot
Angry chip
Angry Gimp
Little Gear Head (LGH for short)
Dalek Spunk
Kill-o-tron 9000
Darth TitchyBot
TARDIS (Tiny And Relatively Dim In Sircuitry)
Chimp-o-bot 9000
I, Fuckhead.
Robbie the Fuckhead.
Tinribs, aka Fuckhead.
My first tin chum, Fuckhead.
Fuckhead dreams of Electric Sheep
I cunt
Osama Bin Lidon
Compact Unmanned Nonsentient Technobot
Osama Tin Hardon
Whindey Key
Thelonious Boxface

… and now select your absolute favourite –(try not to just pick your own).

Polls close when I feel like it.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Suffering at the hands of a snappy comeback.

Colleague: (Speaking to another colleague) ... and he killed her and her whole family...

Me: (Butting in) What was that?

Colleague: You wouldn't have seen it.

Me: Seen what?

Colleague: I'm not telling you, you always slag off anything I watch.

Me: That's 'cause you watch loads of shit on telly.

Colleague: See, that's why I'm not telling you.

Me: Go on, I promise I won't say anything.

Colleague: Okay, did you see that programme last night about Gangsters?

Me: No, I'd never watch anything like that.

Colleague: Why not?

Me: I simply abhor the glorification of violence.

Colleague: But you like Daleks!


On a not unrelated issue, please do ensure you have a go at naming this wee fella for me. If you win you will of course have the honour of becoming part of Angry Chimp history.

Name the robot 4

Enter here.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Name the robot.

Yes folks, your chance to be a little part of blogging history!

All you need to do is looking at the friendly little automated fella in the photo below and give him a fitting moniker.

Name the robotname the robot 2

In contrast to the recent caption comp which has caused uproar, prompted angry declarations of dissatisfaction with the judgement and most heinously of all, divided friendships... I will merely list the names suggested in a subsequent post and throw it open to a popular vote to decided my tin chums new handle.

And then he will forever be known by that name, as will his first adventures due to kick off right here, at Angry Chimp in a month or so...

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Fisting O' Fours

Hurrah! I love these things - hope you find this tiny insight into my life interesting - shout out to Decapitated US contractor for the tag!

Four jobs you have had in your life:

· Clown interrogator
· Child Catcher
· Lesbian
· Warlord (of Atlantis)

Four movies you would watch over and over:

· Zombi Holocaust
· Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights
· Ben Dover: Bum sex British style IV
· Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones (I only added this to shock)

Four places you have lived:

· Baghdad - Iraq
· Viltvodle VI
· Mick Hucknalls head
· Smallville

Four TV shows you love to watch:

· Crimewatch UK - update
· Charmed (Season 2 only)
· I dress up like birds (Sky One)
· Channel 5 weather

Four places you have been on vacation:

· Dantooine
· My inner self
· I was Austria when I went to France; was most confusing.
· The Kitchen

Four websites I visit daily:

· Lovely Ladyboys
· The Samaritans
· Statcounter
· Sunnydale online: A Buffy Chatroom

Four of my favourite foods:

· Poo on toast
· Dachshund trotter pan fried with edam (the cheese that is cooked in reverse)
· New born baby testicles with chips
· Penne pasta and Carbonara sauce – with poo.

Four places I would rather be right now:

· 1995
· Delos
· The lounge
· Behind you with a razor blade, about to slit your throat

Four bloggers I am tagging

· Licking cold semen from the public toilet cubical walls
· Mon jab sicks
· Willy itch
· Monkfish (of the yard)

Thursday, January 19, 2006

"Damn you all to hell"- Caption winners.

And this time I'm serious.

Thanks everyone who came and commented - I know most of you are super frustrated that I have as yet totally failed to get a competition sorted for the Elf Shorts - this is immeniant - honest.

Anyway, back to the matter in hand (which is my caption for this competition) here are my three favourite runners up and my over all fav comment.

Runners up (in no real order)

Aginoth with this charming sci-fi themed comment...

Caption comp runner up 2

The Hitman with frankly the most disgusting caption this competition got...

Caption comp runner up 1

Cali, whos caption was ace as it linked to another great Heston Sci-Fi movie...

Caption comp runner up 3

In fact all the enteries were great, which makes think that when finally the Elf Shorts make an appearance it's gonna be a hell of a job to judge... however the winner of this warm up competition and soon to be lucky recipient of...erm... nothing really is...

Anonymous. Fortunately I know who anonymous is, she is former blogger Trillion, chum of Tina Cakesniffer. I really loved her comment which combined total irreverance, cross genre movie references and filth.

Caption comp winner

Hurrah for Trillion, former blogger.

As for the side competition to say where the shot was from, the book and all the other details, well frankly no one gave as full an answer to this as I'd liked - lazy bastards, all it would have taken was a trip to IMDB and Amazon. Tsk.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

And the winner is...


the cakesniffer from the salford????




the naughty and nice pigwig and tazo?



my mate edwaado?

no chance




could be.....


Caption comp

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Caption competition warm up

As a warm up for the imminent Freakin' Green Elf Shorts caption competition I thought I'd throw you this jem to get those caption muscles working again.

Caption comp

So caption away me hearties, and may the best captionere win.

(For additional credit name the film, the year it was made, the 3 principle leads, the book it came from the main differences between the book and the movie and the ultimate fate of each fella in this shot.)

You've only got a couple of days to impress me - the winner will be decided toward the end of the week.


Saturday, January 14, 2006

Family snapshot - The Leks.

The Leks.
Me, me Ma and me Da.

This fabulous family snapshot appeared in the disgustingly unchallenging and twee Guardian Newspaper saturday suppliment 'Family' (Which really should be called - 'Haven't we done well to raise our children to get a proper degree and then a worthy job').

The shot was taken by a fella called Callum Church, and I initially intended to publish his own text to this snap, but it actually made me fell sick when I read it - including such classic overly self analysing lines as 'I love the way my mum stands between us, a layer of protection that has always been there and still is'. Wanker.

But the picture is still ace.

Malvern Social Services Child Abuse Interview2

Friday, January 13, 2006

There will be no debate - No.1

He's for everyone of us...

Stand for everyone of us...

He'll save with his mighty hand,

Every man every woman, every child,

he's a mighty Flash!

The greatest ever-cinematic theme tune and accompanying score is -

Flash Gordon 3

Queen captured the pure unadulterated joy of Mike Hodges adaptation of Alex RaymondÂ’s comic strip Flash, exquisitely.

Once the brief intro is over Queen literally burst in, declaring that our hero Flash will save us, and if Freddy, Brian and Co say it is so, it's so.

In fact, the entire movie is an utter gem; it simple gets better and better with each subsequent and highly recommended viewings.

Everything about Flash Gordon is peerless, the charming effects, the acting which although variable is to a man completely over the top like an amateur dramatic pantomime where everyone knows that it's only family in the audience and there'll be a massive piss up when it's all over. The story is a verypairedd down version of the comic and 30's movie series 'Flash Gordon conquers the Universe', but is a lovely proper length - about an hour and a half, like all decent films should be, if you can't tell your story in 90 minutes (mister modern filmmaker) you should go back to film school.

The tone is puretitillationn, with stacks of scantily clad men and women, heaps of sexual innuendo, hints of S&M and even incest, and yet, and YET this film was made for children - it even had swearing in it, which upon repeating one of the stacks of classic lines to my parents got me soooo done.

Good hair.

If you are a lover of this film the very mention of its name will immediately prompt you to repeat (in an utterly geeky way) any number of itÂ’s classics lines which include;

"Flying blind on a rocket cycle?"

"Spare me the madness"

"This Ming is a psycho"

"Are your men on the right pills"

"Go Flash go! Go Flash go!"

"You lying bitch!"

"What do you mean, Flash Gordon approaching?"


"Don't move you bloody bastards"

and my absolute favourite....

"Send out war rocket Ajax to bring back his body!"

But above all that, it's the theme that really lifts Flash from the same heap of so-called cult movie classics that are now just 'must buy' items in Tesco and Amazon, recommended by those insidious cool hunters so that we no longer need to exert any effort to actually find the good stuff ourselves.

It's intrinsically uncool but cool in the exactly the same way as something like say, Pulp Fiction is cool but intrinsically uncool... if you follow my meaning


Flash Gordon 2

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Just where do obsessions come from?

Dalek abuse

Could be...?

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

The race is on...

Ming 4 leader

Dave Cylon

Aye whats that

Gold leader2

Pete 1


Lib Dem 3

Monday, January 09, 2006

Breaking news...

Lib Dem
Lib Dem 2

Saturday, January 07, 2006

James Bond - FUCK OFF!!

Is there any lower quality of films than the James Bond series?


What are we up to now with these things? About sequel number 76 it feels like and still they churn out the same tired old cliches again and again;

- Pre-credit sequence stunt/ action set up
- Dire silhouetted dancing naked ladies credit sequence over low quality middle of the road pop act droning on about something vaguely to do with the title of the movie.
- Pathetic double-entendres.
- Some bit of ineffectual skirt that Bond will either save, kill or fuck - possibly all three.
- Endless a-moral acts of violence from a man supposed to be a hero.
- Boring villain who always gets thwarted at the end – just not like real life.
- General Granny friendly misogyny and racism.

What is worse is that over the course of the last few films the producers have tried to slightly modernise the films with some asides about Bond being 'emotionally cold' or having a 'bad liver' from all the shaken and not stirred whatever’s. These peppered concession to times-what-are-a-changing utterly fail to convince that we are getting anything other than the same old Bond that is wheeled out movie after movie after movie.

The fact remains James Bond is very very tired, and no amount of hard resets will change that. They squandered any goodwill they generated with the slightly better than most Goldeneye very quickly and as for the last one Die Another Day - oh my God, absolutely abysmal.

Whenever there is a discussion about Bond you always find someone who will defend it - these people are typically men who would really like to be like Bond, kill foreigners without conscience, have meaningless sexually contact with equally vapid woman and be party to 'what's really going on'. Basically they'd like to become a sociopathic fuckhead with a shooter.

There has never been any 'art' to Bond, directors of the series are typically journeymen, just there to get the job done and make the films look as similar as possible. How utterly tedious.

Still, there is a new James Bond in the form of actor Daniel Craig. With his distinguished acting chops and radically different look from the 'standard' Bond, could this mean the series is finally going to go into a new direction?

No way.

Which is my favourite Bond? The first one that dies and stays dead.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Why I never use water bottles

hot-water bottle

It’s cold at night in my bed,
The toggage on the duv is all wrong.
Sometimes I awake and fear I am dead,
And shiver till I hear morning song.

I tried a hot water bottle,
It was ace for a bit.
But after a while it was not all
that great, in fact it was shit.

True, it makes the bed quite warm
But only in one small place.
And you’ll find you are torn,
to heat by the feet or by the face.

And you just know that if you start at ten,
by two it’ll be cold right through.
And you’ll just feel frozen,
When you get back into bed after the loo.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Please don’t pooh-pooh my poo poo.

toilet paper

Please don’t pooh-pooh my poo poo.
But say, “oui oui” to my wee wee.
I beg; please don’t renege,
On your offer to proffer,
Loo paper, the bum scrapper.
Tar very much, that was close.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

A letter to Norman Kember

Dear Mr Kember,

We hope this letter finds you in good health, although realistically we doubt it.

Don’t know if you’re aware, but you’ve been in captivity at the hands of an Iraq based insurgency group ‘The Swords of Truth’ for more than six weeks now.

I would imagine that if you are still alive that it feels like a lifetime to you. (Mind you saying that, at 74 perhaps not – and also well done on being 74 btw).

I also hope that the others you are with Canadians James Loney, 41, and Harmeet Singh Sooden, 32, and US citizen Tom Fox, 54, are also well, although again, it seems unlikely.

Sadly, I have to use this letter to report some bad news.

Your story of abduction at the hands of extremists (who took you captive after you travelled to Iraq to ‘shine the light’ on torture, hostage-taking and abuse of detainees in an ongoing effort to expose the shadowy scourge of war and end the U.S. occupation of Iraq) has pretty much fallen off our reporting radar.

Yes, the light did shine brightly for a bit, but most of that was on the hostage taking, and seeing as how it was you taken hostage it was a bit of an own-goal.

We are quite sorry.

We did keep you at the top of our headlines for almost 5 days when you were first snatched.

That’s not to say that we don’t think “Well done, Norm” for getting that World Wide coalition of multi-faith leaders to campaign diligently alongside your friends and family on your behalf to have you released. Thus highlighting your belief that it is indeed possible to get those with opposing views and faiths to work together.

That did take you back to the top of our News items for an extra day or two.

But then Elton John got married to a fella and then Chrimbo came up and we needed to give day by day reports on how everyone was spending every single penny they have, giving it all to our lovely retailers ensuring they were making enough profit so they could avoid laying off thousands of their low paid workers to make sure they could still afford a big ol'shareholder payout at the end of the financial year.

That and the fact that we kinda ran out of angles and updates on your story.

The fact is how many times in a week can you use sound bytes from your friends, family and religious bods, all saying that you are/were ‘a decent man’ and a ‘man of conscience’ blah blah blah…?
Not many we can tell you. And it’s especially not appropriate to hear that kind of thing at Christmas.

Don’t get us wrong, the video put together by The Swords of Truth was great publicity, but your guys there really need to be putting those out weekly at the very least for us to continue with your story.

Let’s face it, one or two really isn’t enough, especially with such a weak and unoriginal narrative. “Meet our unrealistic demands or our Prisoners die for our noble cause”. etc etc... boring.

Most damaging of all to your story was the recent abduction in Gaza of a nice middleclass family, the Burtons from Newbury.

And although they were released unharmed after a couple of days we almost had a far nastier and much more copy selling story on our hands, the death of a photogenic young middleclass woman (and her folks).

We of course had to prepare for such an eventuality. Many fingers were crossed that if the unspeakable happened and 24 year old ‘human rights worker’ Kate Burton was executed by her captors, it would at least be video tapped and sent to Al Jazeera or similar foreign sounding so-it-must-be-dodgy news network, despite the BBC actually being far more biased and prone to liberal self-censorship.

There is a slight ray of good news following this though Norman.

This committed young woman, whom will likely stay in the Gaza strip until she meets an equally earnest and compassionate young, good looking, and above all, educated middle class man, to whom she will marry and move with to the home counties where they will get ‘proper’ jobs, probably in the so-called liberal media, and have a couple of lovely children called Jamima and Toby, all the while dining off their ‘experiences’ in the Middle East until they die happy and fulfilled...well, she has got you a tiny bit of coverage in the press again – unfortunately only under the by-line ‘Whatever happened to….?’

Still, better than nothing eh?

Anyway Norman, got to wrap this up, the Government have just come up with another silly idea about tagging non-law breaking but slow to cough up absent parents. And then tomorrow we can get on with the big news of month - Celebrity Big Brother. Tsk, those naughty and distracting celebrities…

Take care,

The British News Media.

P.S. If you do get a video sorted out, maybe lose the orange jump suit yeah? It’s a tad passé now mate.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

The Middle Class Child - 5.1.1


Now 5 years 1 months and a day, Esmé is in her first year of reception class.

Her mummy and daddy moved to be closer to the school she now attends when Esmé was still only a tiny little baby in her mummy’s tummy. Lizzie tells Esmé that the upheaval was worth it, as she will get what her mummy calls a ‘tip top’ education.

She is currently learning Mandarin, which is the most common form of the Chinese language spoken today. Her daddy, Marcus says that China will be the dominant global manufacturing power for the next quarter century; and anyone in the west with an understanding of the most spoken language in the world will have a natural advantage.

Esmé is not sure what any of that means, however words such as xièxie and zhōngguó chá make her happy when she says them because when she does say them, as clear and as loud as she possibly can the whole class claps, lead by their teacher, Ms Chen.

This makes Esme very happy indeed. And when she is happy she smiles broadly, and feels all tingly on her head.

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Why are they clapping?

Yesterday evening I am watching the TV review of the year (another quality BBC production which my licence fee pays for) presented by the painfully ubiquitous designer fop Jonathan Ross and they do a segment on July.

Inevitably, the piece focuses on the bombings in central London on July 7th 2005. In particular, a youngish survivor of the bombings, a woman who had both legs from the knees down blown off.

This woman in the package about July 7th 2005 talks about how life is precious and how this will not stop her fully living her life to the full, in fact she simply trots out the same old clichés we expect to hear from anyone who has sailed close to death and lived to tell the tale.

I’m not without empathy; otherwise, I would be a robot, which I am not. So I feel empathy for her obviously, but only because I don’t want to have my legs blown off. But when Ross introduces her to the audience of media whores and z-grade lowbrow celebrities they clap and cheer, even more than they do for Billie Piper – who arguably is more deserving – after all she did sleep with that odious sociopath self publicist Chris Evans.

However, the question is why did they clap and cheer with such enthusiasm?

All she did was not die.

Did they clap and cheer because she was so brave? – Right, so if she’d crawled onto stage and screamed in pain and anguish that some bastards had caused her to lose a couple of major bits of her body we’d not been so impressed?

Did they clap and cheer because she represents our trademark ‘stiff upper lip’ in the face of a nefarious foreign horror (or as it turns out, completely home-grown)? Hmm… If it were me, I would have screamed out –


But no, she made no reference to the War, the Government or why she’d been blown up. Which was odd, because (very) arguably, without the invasion of Iraq, the subsequent War, the lies of Blair, the Judo-Christian centric right-wing strike on Islam and the media’s slavish following of the company line, she’d probably still need to wear shin guards when playing football.

No. They’re cheering because exactly like me they are thinking;

1. Fucking hell, I’m glad it wasn’t me.
2. Fuck me; I hope she doesn’t make a scene and start crying.
3. Blimey, she’s tiny compared to Jonathan Ross; does she have her falsies on?
4. Fucking hell, I’m really glad it wasn’t me.
5. Isn’t there a war still going on in Iraq where people are being killed daily all for the sake of profit?

Actually, let’s face it, none of the cunts that were there celebrating TV give a flying fuck about the War. Plus, it’s always much more tragic when a slightly photogenic middleclass white woman gets hurt than any number of towel heads, right? Or for that matter teenage military grunts from the projects and council estates of the UK and US.

But then I currently still have my legs so we really who the cunt here is, right?