Friday, March 27, 2009

The Middle Class Child 12.11.8

The middle class child

Lizzie Jenkins and her almost thirteen-year-old daughter Esmé Jenkins-Strathmore (twelve years, eleven months and 8 days) are on holiday together at a beautiful coastal resort in Cambodia.

Esmé is unaware that only a relatively few short years ago this popular holiday destination for predominately Western tourists saw unimaginable horror during the regime of The Khmer Rouge, with over a million Cambodians, out of a total population of 8 million, dying from executions, overwork, starvation and disease.

All Esmé is aware of is the endless sandy beaches and the blisteringly hot sun which both her and her mother take care to protect themselves from whilst they work on their tans.

Her mother Lizzie intends to take Esmé to one of the many historic Killing Fields sites which she sees as part of Esmé’s world education, but not until late in the second week so as not to spoil her holiday in Cambodia. Ultimately this does not transpire, however Lizzie determines to discuss the history of the country with Esmé during the flight home. This also does not happen.

Recently split up from her ‘insufferable’ writer ex-boyfriend, Lizzie is starting to feel that time is running out for her to be truly happy, or even just content with her life. ‘Maybe just some time away somewhere sunny is the answer’, she thought to herself as she flicked through the listings on a few weeks previously.

With her brother now permanently living with her father Marcus and his new family, Esmé is secretly pleased that it will be just her and her mother on holiday together. It had seemed like such a long time since they had had any fun together, in fact Esmé could hardly remember the last time she had seen her mother smile, let alone laugh.

By the second half of the break Lizzie is feeling relaxed, comfortably dividing her time between the beach and the resort bar. Esmé on the other hand spends a lot of her time with a sixteen-year-old Dutch boy called Gan, who is holidaying without his parents for the very first time.

During the next couple of days Esmé will try marijuana cigarettes and sexual intercourse for the first time.

She will leave Cambodia with the opinion that whilst she enjoyed having sex, she much preferred smoking joints as it made her feel quite lovely, helped her forget about all the sad things in her life, like her mother, and it lasted longer.

Angry Chimp Logo L

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Britain bought out by Crocs.


With the stock price plummeting and redundancies escalating at an alarming rate, Great Britain has been in danger of a corporate buy-out for some time now and today it was officially announced that Crocs, the manufacturer of ‘injection molded day-glo plastic clogs’, has bought out Great Britain for one pound and will commence the massive task of re-branding and re-training of Britain’s 60 million employees.

How the UK will look by 2010

Crocs are undoubtedly the smash hit fashion accessory of this decade and in the words of their own unique advertising campaign, ‘The single ugliest item of clothing ever created™’. Crocs put their success down to the simple fact that the design free and cheap-to-produce plastic clogs are absolutely irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers.

“Obviously our first move will be to ensure all our team wear Crocs” announced the company’s Dutch chairman Bo Gan Shuuse, “And then we will be working town by town, colouring each in a bright and exciting colour, some will be primary, some will be secondary and others will be more pastel in tone.”


It is currently understood that London has already been designated as orange, with Birmingham and Manchester brown and lilac respectively. Further town colours will be decided in the next few weeks.

Britain has previously faced buy-out on several occasions, most notably during the crash of the late eighties when Amstrad expressed an interest. However it is only now that this abrupt sell-off of Britain, severely weakened by a cynical, shortsighted and morally bankrupt board of directors, has become a reality.

During a hastily organised press conference in one of the eight Oxford Street Croc shops, Britain’s current MD, Gordon Brown, hailed the news as ‘acceptable’, stating that “we were initially hoping that Apple would be bidding for Britain or even Starbucks at a push, but neither were interested due in large part to our work-forces’ growing love for infantile, tasteless footwear. At that point we realised that Crocs is a perfect match.”


The move has garnered predictable outrage from Britain’s militant union the BBC, whose leader Russell Brand claimed that the take-over was, “A f**kin’ disgrace”.

In a statement which Brand himself shouted out in the middle of the Lakeside Shopping Centre food court KFC, he bellowed that Brown was ‘once again short f**kin’ selling Blighty’ and that he himself would never wear a pair of Crocs, quickly adding “Not unless they are free, black and I can make a couple of quid from the celebrity endorsement”.

It took Brand’s own party members a further 4 hours to end his rambling speech, in which he lashed out at such targets as ‘the footie’, ‘funny things from yesteryear’ and ‘my discoloured willie’. The speech subsequently emptied both Lakeside Shopping Centre and much of Thurrock.

Brand’s dismissal of Crocs is particularly ironic; Brand has also described himself in the past as being irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers. However, Crocs have never been called ‘talentless’ or described as an obnoxious gobshite middle-class teenage Robert Smith wannabe prick.


Speculation is now rife as to whether Crocs will change Great Britain’s historic brand name, with a suggestion that by the end of 2009 the former UK will be known as either ‘Croc Britain’, The United Crocdom’ or more simply ‘Spaztania’.

Bo Gan Shuuse elaborated on the current geo-political situation, “Where once the world was fought over on ideological grounds, now it is the footwear manufactures that vie for dominance”.

Crocs currently control much of Western Europe and at least 45% of Asia, whereas Australasia is controlled by Havaianas and the Americas by Converse. As a footnote to this, Birkenstock do not own any continental landmass but they do have more retail outlets then taste should allow.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

I got a letter the other day...


It's stuff like this that brings joy to my cynical heart... I received this email yesterday morning;

Hi there!

I recently searched online and came across your blog and came across your interview with the Bliss editor, Helen Jenkins. I am currently a third year journalism student and doing my dissertation on the sexual content in teenage magazines and was wondering if I could include your interview? Just need to verify with you that it is truthful and it was conducted, etc etc...I know that sounds silly but it needs to be done! Do let me know if you can let me use it, as soon as possible... Also, any further information on the interview would be great.

Thanks so much for your help.

I look forward to your reply.



This is the post she is referring to;

Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking!

bliss cover

I can only assume she never actually read the post because lets face it, I ain't being subtle here.

This is almost as good as all the attention I got from the castration folk over my Castrato Academy I did a few years back.

Well, that's it, I'm definitely getting me one of those personal websites when I get back, all flashy like. I might even try my hand again at some satire, subtle or otherwise... and then maybe I'll get a job...

Leaving the tropical Island we're currently on and heading back home to England in 16 days. Is it true no one has a job there anymore and that it now resembles the future earth from the Terminator movies... only with more crappy telly?
Herge OUT.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

The Lonely Lemon

They called it the last great unfilmable work, but I've proved them all wrong and filmed it.

For your viewing pleasure I suggest you play it with either the sound turned UP or with headphones in.


For the source material click here.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Confirmation on CRAP ANIMALS No.6

As most of you will know I am a blogger of the highest dedication, and as such I have traveled halfway across the planet to check a few facts out on a post I originally wrote when I was about 14 years old - Crap Animals No.6 The Koala (reprinted below for your convenience).

Well, now having spent a good 5 minutes studying this animal up close and in the wild (the Great Ottaway National Park - Victoria, Australia) I can confirm that Koalas are:

 A. Crap
 B. Animals.

Enjoy the (small amount of) footage below which I hoped was going to show bumbling tourists getting their cameras rammed up their bums by uppity Koalas. Unfortunately this particular Ewok rip-off was far too monged on eucalyptus to give a stuff about the throng of cooing shutterbugs buzzing around him. 

The original post...

Koala 3
I branded this one earlier, he put up quite a struggle, but I got 'im.

This is taken directly from the Australian Koala Foundation website;

“Koalas mean so much to the world. Even the hardest human heart melts when it comes into close contact with them - especially in the wild”

How much longer are we going to have to endure this incessant sentimentality for anything that looks vaguely like a teddy? It is this kind of crap that sank Return of the Jedi; you can be certain it will sink us.

And, if they are soooo ‘special’ that they can, ‘melt the hardest human heart’ then why are they currently endangered? – well, not actually endangered, but vulnerable in a number of Australian States. The truth is, if they weren’t such fussy bloodly eaters they wouldn’t be in the shit they are in.

Anyway, to prove that I know what I’m talking about, and why the Koala deserves to a member of ‘Crap Animals’, I have complied (or stolen from the Koala Foundation website) some interesting facts about the KOALA BEAR.

Koala 2
Example of the weird two headed koala.

Please Note: Not a single word has been altered from the original

1. They are not bears; although they are as crap as most bears (particularly our friend the Panda) they are MARSUPIALS, which means that they can carry their keys and fags in their pouch. Very handy for a night out down town.

2. Koalas are mostly NOCTURNAL animals. This means that they sleep in the daytime, and move around and feed at night just like vampires and the unemployed.

3. The male koala has a dark scent gland in the centre of his chest. He rubs this on the tree in order to mark his territory. This is known as ‘rubbing one off’, or ‘having a crafty grind'. Koalas will often become agitated or embarrassed if they are caught doing this by their mums.

4. Koalas also communicate with each other by making a noise like a snore and then a belch, known as a "bellow" – very much like our ‘Northerner’. (or ‘Morlock’ as they are also known)

5. Koala young are known as 'joeys', or ‘joey deacons’ or ‘deacon’ or just simply ‘eeerrrrr’.

6. There are about 600 varieties of eucalypts. Koalas Australia wide eat only about 120 of these. Koalas in a specific area would prefer to eat only about 4-6 different types, because they are uptight fussy little bastards who are a right fucker to cook for and are rarely appreciative of any of the effort you have gone to - often complaining that the rice is over cooked.

7. Eucalypts (gumtrees) are both food and homes for the koalas – which Is incredibly stupid, if you think about it.

Crap animals - example

8. When koalas become upset and worried ("stressed" – the sensitive souls that they are) by the loss of their homes (because they ate it, presumably) they may get " Chlamydia" or “Dirty bitchticus”

This is obviously a great excuse for giving someone this sexually transmitted disease.

Koala 4

9. Probably around 100,000 koalas remain in Australia – and I have a question – were they originally the British criminal underclass, like the rest of white Australia?

10. They look cute, like an Ewok from Return of the Jedi.

Koala 1
Ahhh, he's a cutey... bless him, I just want to give him a big cuddle.

So anyway, enough of the negative ninny stuff - here are my top tips for getting the Koala back in the game and stepping up the evolutionary ladder:

1. Eat other stuff.

Seriously, this addiction to eucalyptus was sweet to start with, but man - is that now getting old fast.

Treat yourself, have a lovely bit of pain de champagne from your local patisserie, some delicious organic butter, a couple of leaves of a sweet lettuce, couple of cherry tomatoes, a slice or two of good mature English cheddar – and bam! – Problem sorted.

2. Don’t get so stressed out – take a Ritalin, Lustral or even dope up on some Prozac, just chill. Worrying all the time is not going to solve anything. Have you thought about getting a hobby? And before you ask - no!- picking bits of eucalyptus out of your teeth ain’t a hobby.

3. Get rid of that cuddly bear image. It is just so 1983. What you need is to present yourself as a dangerous, territorial killer. Hire yourself some good PR people and get known. Maybe even sign up for the next Australian Big Brother. At the very least, it will be secure housing for a couple of weeks.

If the Koala can get off its arse and make these changes then I will be the first to suggest that they are removed from Crap Animals. (into the new, sub-category ‘not quite so crap animals).

Koala 6
"What you fucking looking at?"

But let’s face it, these lazy shits ain’t doing squat.