Friday, March 25, 2005

Interview: Bliss Magazine - teenagers guide to fucking!

bliss cover
Bliss Magazine: A common sense guide to kiddie sex?

Bliss magazine, self proclaimed ‘sex manual for pre-teens’ is once again at the centre of a row concerning two articles it recently published entitled, “Is it ever too early?” and “An A to Z of UK Abortionists”.

Parent and teacher groups around the country are outraged at what they see as the magazines, ‘continual promotion of underage sex’. The national PTA suggest that the publication is solely to blame for the boom in underage pregnancies, or ‘buns before bleeding’ as its become more commonly known.

Angry Chimp has secured an exclusive interview with Helen Jenkins, Editor of the Bliss magazine since 2004.

AC: First, can you tell us who the publisher of Bliss Magazine is?

HJ: Bliss is published bi-weekly by Paul Raymond publications.

AC: Is that the same Paul Raymond as the publishing company that is best known as a filth peddler?

HJ: If you mean publisher of adult focused literature, yes.

AC: Is it appropriate that the same publisher of porn should publish magazines for children?

HJ: Bliss is not aimed at children.

AC: So who is Bliss aimed at?

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: And what age group do you believe that to be?

HJ: Girls from 8 upward.

AC: 8 year old girls who are sexually active?

HJ: Look, you need to understand that girls today mature at a much faster rate than they did when we were younger.

AC: And why is that?

HJ: Why is what?

AC: Why do girls mature much faster these days?

HJ: I believe it is because there is much more sexually focused material aimed at their age group.

AC: But doesn’t that mean that magazines like Bliss are to blame for pulling back the latency period?

HJ: These are necessarily lesbians.

AC: No that’s not what I meant, I meant…

HJ: Because we do have a magazine aimed at pre-teen lesbians called, ‘My special girl’.

AC: Sounds charming. Do you believe that Bliss is to blame for sexualising pre-teen girls?

HJ: I don’t think blame is appropriate, it’s not like we are doing anything wrong.

AC: You promote underage sex, which is illegal.

HJ: Only in this country, besides I certainly don’t believe you can accuse us of once promoting underage sex.

AC: What about this article, ‘Underage sex, why wait?’.

HJ: I think if you read that article more closely you’ll find that it’s actually a balanced argument for not rushing into sex.

AC: Well as a matter of fact I have read it and if I may quote a bit, ‘There’s nothing more exciting than rushing into it, so just lay back, open your legs and think of your favourite pop star, the pain will end as quickly as he will’.

HJ: See that’s taken completely out of context.

AC: What? That is entirely the context. How about this article, ‘Holding off puberty through dieting’.

HJ: Well that’s hardly promoting sex is it? Unless you think puberty is sexually focused.

AC: I hadn’t finished, the article argues that you should hold of puberty by starving yourself, because, and I quote again, ‘Sex before puberty is almost guaranteed to mean you can have protection free sex and not risk getting knocked up’.

HJ: Look, the fact of the matter is more and more kids are having sex, we just provide a reliable source of important information for them.

AC: Oh right, such as, ‘Anal sex: it’ll keep him keen”.

HJ: A first time relationship is very character defining, it’s important the kids get impartial advice.

AC: Oh yes, great relationship advice, like this article, “Hit me baby one more time”. Which suggests that violence amongst teenage couples only occurs when the girl is a, and I’m quoting again, “a frigid, uptight little Christian bitch.” What kind of message is that?

HJ: That was just one article, and it was almost certainly satirical.

AC: But you aim this at Kids.

HJ: Sexually active girls.

AC: Yes, whatever, the point is do you honestly believe that your readership will understand such articles are satire?

HJ: We never patronise our readership.

AC: Right. Anyway, the point it this, if you didn’t publish this magazine, and TV shows didn’t sexualise kids, and younger and younger pop stars didn’t sing about shagging, then kids wouldn’t be having as much underage sex as they currently do. Do you agree?

HJ: Absolutely not! Kids have always experimented in sex from a young age.

AC: But ten years ago the average age for a girl to lose her virginity was 16. It’s 13 now. Boys are down from 17 to 14.

HJ: So?

AC: So, if your magazine promoted drug use just as hard as it promotes sex then drug use amongst teens and pre-teens would have soared.

HJ: Drug use is soaring in this country amongst teens and pre-teens.

AC: Okay, bad example, but the point remains you aim this magazine at children, encouraging them to have sex but take no responsibility for the consequences of their actions.

HJ: For fuck sake, we’re here to sell glossies not act as social workers.

AC: Why do you think parents and teachers are so enraged by your most recent articles?

HJ: Because they are totally out of touch with their children and they can’t handle the fact that we act as more of a role model than they do.

AC: Can I ask you do you have children of your own?

HJ: Hardly, I’m only 14, you pervo.

Angry Chimp ended the interview there, giving Helen a fiver for a Mars bar and a pack of ciggies.

For an alternative perspective on modern youth, be sure and read the well researched and balanced article at Cakesniffers entitled ‘Lock ‘em all up!’


Sniffy said...

Absolutely brilliant. Nothing else needs to be added.

tucker said...

vonnegut-esque and hilarious