Thursday, March 03, 2005

Quiz presenter Paul Ross dies at 58

Ross: His failure as a singer only exacerbated his 'emotional' issues

BREAKING NEWS: It has been revealed this morning that quiz show presenter and, ‘brother of more a famous celebrity’ Paul Ross, was found dead in a hotel room in Las Vegas, Nevada USA on Saturday. He died of a suspected heart attack.

Ross was 58.

A post-mortem found there were signs of significant natural pathology but conclusions on the causes of death could not yet be drawn, although Deputy coroner Dr David Bexhill commented that the body maintained an exceptionally high level of purified sugar,

“It looks like the deceased literally stuffed himself to death”, noted Bexhill before adding, “He checked into the Luxor (hotel) on Thursday evening, by the time the body was discovered by the maid on Saturday morning the room had in excess of two thousand candy bar wrappers in it”.

Ross was a notorious ‘Twinkaholic’, a common addiction amongst failing celebrities for the American snack food, Twinkies. Twinkies are a cake-bar with two sugar buns filled with sugar cream. This is not to be confused with ‘Twinks’ an American slang term for a youthful homosexual man.

A Twink next to a Twinkie. Ross loved to 'eat' one of these.

Ross is rumoured to have imported up to five thousand Twinkies bars a month for the past three years.

His management team made a brief statement this morning stating that Ross had been battling depression and an eating disorder caused by his inability to move out of day time TV, in particular the most recent quiz show Ross was fronting, ITV’s lunchtime filler ‘Slap my monkey for cash,

“It was crippling for Ross”, said Jennifer March, Ross’s manager of five years, “he firmly believed he could do much better”, she said, before concluding, “but as everyone else knew, he certainly couldn’t”.

Ross comes from a family of TV personalities and presenters, which was first set up as an experiment in the 1950’s by the then Labour government, to genetically engineer working class and lower middle class people into mainstream entertainment.

A first early success for the team responsible was Ross’s uncle, Tommy Steele, the popular singer, mostly notable for the smash hit single, 'My little pink balls'.

However, it was his brother, chat show host and ‘lippy twat’, Keith Chegwin, who achieved the greatest success of the two brothers. It was a success that Ross could never accept, sources closes to Ross revealed today, with feelings of jealously and resentment dominating his daily life.

These feelings bubbled dramatically to the surface during a broadcast of Chegwin’s Friday evening chat show, in November last year. Whilst interviewing his brother, Chegwin asked Ross what the format was for his new daytime quiz show, Ross replied;

the ross boys
Ross (bearded)with bother Cheggers in 1981

“Who gives a fuck? It’s just some shit that only cripples, spacks, coffin dodgers and those lazy piss stained bastards who are just too idle or too thick to get a job and get them out the house, watch to fill their empty days”.

Ross said before adding, “Not like that parade of over paid no talent media whores you get here every week for you to fawn over like the pathetic insincere sycophantic bastard you are”.

Ross later apologised for any offence he had caused and blamed his outburst on ‘exhaustion’.

Ross’s closest friend Dr Harold Shipman, presenter of Radio 4’s Case Notes, had this to say about Ross,

“He was not the easiest person to get along with at times”, Shipman said, “his arrogance was only matched by his massive ego, the tragedy of course was that in terms of presenting TV he just wasn’t very good, and I think deep down he knew it.”

Shipman went on to say that Ross had an inability to engage with the contestants on the show’s he presented, “They typically came away thinking he was a complete and utter tit”, Shipman said.

Ross is survived by twenty-three half eaten Mars bars and his nine-year-old Collie, Superstar.

1 comment:

Sniffy said...

I think this is an excellent place to let the world become aware of cakesniffing. I'm honoured that you'd like to mention it here.

Shame about Paul Ross, the world won't be the same without him.