Friday, March 04, 2005

UK Prime Minister punches US President

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush, which ended with Ramsay ‘laying out’ the President in a single punch.

The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations in history, the incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to Bush’s remark, describing Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “he knows where to find me.”

The President and his team immediately flew back to the states, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm,

“America is simply not liked in the world, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey puppet in power and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was sweet as a nut.”

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons, however all Ramsay actually faced was a standing ovation from fellow MPs.

“It was like that scene in Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp the retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I had hit him, especially when he asked why France was so gay. Bless Mr Ramsay, he has made a strike for the world”.

Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

Zeth Mongoloid of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

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