Sunday, March 22, 2009

Britain bought out by Crocs.


With the stock price plummeting and redundancies escalating at an alarming rate, Great Britain has been in danger of a corporate buy-out for some time now and today it was officially announced that Crocs, the manufacturer of ‘injection molded day-glo plastic clogs’, has bought out Great Britain for one pound and will commence the massive task of re-branding and re-training of Britain’s 60 million employees.

How the UK will look by 2010

Crocs are undoubtedly the smash hit fashion accessory of this decade and in the words of their own unique advertising campaign, ‘The single ugliest item of clothing ever created™’. Crocs put their success down to the simple fact that the design free and cheap-to-produce plastic clogs are absolutely irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers.

“Obviously our first move will be to ensure all our team wear Crocs” announced the company’s Dutch chairman Bo Gan Shuuse, “And then we will be working town by town, colouring each in a bright and exciting colour, some will be primary, some will be secondary and others will be more pastel in tone.”


It is currently understood that London has already been designated as orange, with Birmingham and Manchester brown and lilac respectively. Further town colours will be decided in the next few weeks.

Britain has previously faced buy-out on several occasions, most notably during the crash of the late eighties when Amstrad expressed an interest. However it is only now that this abrupt sell-off of Britain, severely weakened by a cynical, shortsighted and morally bankrupt board of directors, has become a reality.

During a hastily organised press conference in one of the eight Oxford Street Croc shops, Britain’s current MD, Gordon Brown, hailed the news as ‘acceptable’, stating that “we were initially hoping that Apple would be bidding for Britain or even Starbucks at a push, but neither were interested due in large part to our work-forces’ growing love for infantile, tasteless footwear. At that point we realised that Crocs is a perfect match.”


The move has garnered predictable outrage from Britain’s militant union the BBC, whose leader Russell Brand claimed that the take-over was, “A f**kin’ disgrace”.

In a statement which Brand himself shouted out in the middle of the Lakeside Shopping Centre food court KFC, he bellowed that Brown was ‘once again short f**kin’ selling Blighty’ and that he himself would never wear a pair of Crocs, quickly adding “Not unless they are free, black and I can make a couple of quid from the celebrity endorsement”.

It took Brand’s own party members a further 4 hours to end his rambling speech, in which he lashed out at such targets as ‘the footie’, ‘funny things from yesteryear’ and ‘my discoloured willie’. The speech subsequently emptied both Lakeside Shopping Centre and much of Thurrock.

Brand’s dismissal of Crocs is particularly ironic; Brand has also described himself in the past as being irresistible to people with no sense of style, such as children and reality TV show watchers. However, Crocs have never been called ‘talentless’ or described as an obnoxious gobshite middle-class teenage Robert Smith wannabe prick.


Speculation is now rife as to whether Crocs will change Great Britain’s historic brand name, with a suggestion that by the end of 2009 the former UK will be known as either ‘Croc Britain’, The United Crocdom’ or more simply ‘Spaztania’.

Bo Gan Shuuse elaborated on the current geo-political situation, “Where once the world was fought over on ideological grounds, now it is the footwear manufactures that vie for dominance”.

Crocs currently control much of Western Europe and at least 45% of Asia, whereas Australasia is controlled by Havaianas and the Americas by Converse. As a footnote to this, Birkenstock do not own any continental landmass but they do have more retail outlets then taste should allow.


Neil Barnwell said...

I installed and commissioned the cameras that counted people in andout of the Woolworths in Thurrock Lakeside Shopping Centre.

Dead now, of course.

gus said...

simply genius.
should have been an April 1 post though....

Neil Barnwell said...

Yes, he is simple, but his blog is funny.