Saturday, April 30, 2005

Disease Diary: Stephacockaliticus week 2

Angry Chimp Disease Diary2
Stephacockaliticus: dark brooding imagery for a right nasty virus


It has been over a week since the phone call with my sister, Saratoga, in which I informed her that I had contracted Mung’s Disease or Stephacockaliticus as it’s better known. (here)

I was hoping and praying for her support and her understanding - instead she hung up and I haven’t spoken with her, or indeed any of my 14 brothers and sister since.

That’s the trouble with Catholic families, no sense of acceptance, not unless the Pope okay's it first. Well, at least I won’t have to get the bastards anymore birthday prezzies, 14 a year, plus their shitty kids, Jesus, it was killing me.

The phone call left me in a desperate mood. I sat for five days solid in a darkened room.

I barely moved, only feeding myself with ‘quick hit’ foods and sugary pop drinks. Not communicating with the outside world, except the Pizza man, whom I thrust a crumpled tenner at, staring as I did from behind my lank greasy unkempt hair, and my dark sunken yet suprisingly attractive chocolatey-brown eyes.

I just sat, cross legged, watching, impassively.

That was except for the frenetic twiddling of thumbs as I shot hundreds, if not thousands of Iraq infidels, innocent bystanders and the occasional GI. I did this for the entirity of the five days of isolation – that’s the addictive quality of GTA: Mesopotamia for you – read more about that terrific game

GTA - Mesopotamia
Well, it keeps the little 'uns amused, don't it? Yeah?

You may think that playing video games is a waste of time, but let me tell you, when you are infected with Stephacockaliticus, a terminal gum and viral infection, anything that takes your mind off the coming pain, fear and suffering is a welcome relief.


You have probably already heard that
this week the Government has launched its nationwide Stephacockaliticus awareness programme.

Well all I can say about that is… bit bloody late for me isn’t it?

You useless bastards.

If I’d have known about it a couple of months ago, I may have taken more precautions when I had that shameful, drunken rut with that skag bag Carol Vorderman (RIP) – that reminds me, I need to get in touch with Fern Cotton, and tell her she needs to get tested.

What added insult to injury, was getting this leaflet in the post this morning.

Stephacockaliticus leaflet 2
Gov't Leaflet: Looks a bit like the slab from 2001, ooh ominous.

Not exactly the catchiest of slogans, unlike the one that I got from the local Labour boys for the election, which read,

“The Tories are cunts, do everyone a favour and don’t vote them back in, eh?”

Negative campaigning sure has changed since I was child.


As I write this, I am watching a glorious morning sun rising slowly from beyond the hills.

I can’t help feeling when I see such natural majesty that perhaps this illness is part of a wider scheme of things, and that I am just playing a role that is already pre-destined for me.

Then I blow off a really stinky one and dismiss the idea out of hand.

It’s the stress that’s making my arse talk.

My house sits at the base of these hills and it has always concerned me that in the event of an asteroid hitting the Earth's ocean, I wouldn't have enough time to get to the top of The Beacon (the highest hill) before the tidal wave wiped me out.

Don't suppose it matters now.

I’m due to attend my first Stephacockaliticus group meeting this Friday. Can’t say I fancy it much, probably be full of fucking sick bastards.

This illness really will be the death of me.


I’d like to thank you all for your comments of support, but I can't, as so far only Cakesniffer Beware! , Half An Identity and non blogger Trillion, could be ars... have managed to actually do this.

I assume the rest of you have been left too emotionally distraught by my plight to write to me.



Sniffy said...

I write this with tear-filled eyes and snot dribbling onto my top lip - I've just been plucking my eyebrows, you see.

Your plight certainly is a desperate one, Herge. I've nothing to say except: get over it. Or not, as is your case. Let's hope your death isnt' too drawn-out and painful.

Serves you right for shagging around with brainboxes. People should know their own kind and stick to them.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Sniffy said...

Oh, and I must say how impressed I am at the exponential rise in my site traffic since I started to refresh the page repeatedly. I'm not yet desperate enough to assume another identity and leave comments though, but I'm not far off.

Do you need somebody to keep you company at "group"? I hear Gloria Hunniford is free between modelling shoots for the next edition of the Betterware catalogue.

A Blogger said...

Ooh Tina! That's disgusting! Very funny though!

Herge, don't die of mispronunciation ! Cracked me up!

Where are you? You haven't really died have you?

You do realise our site traffic will suffer if you have...


edwaado said...

I sit down to watch the latest episode of Lost - a special no less, so I'm brimming with excitement that this could be a sweeps episode. Then you email me to tell me its nothing but a sodding clip show. Imagine my dissappointment...

I mean, who thinks we want to see best bits regurgitated and spun into a new episode??

Ahh. Oh right sorry. Very good mate.

Sniffy said...

Ho ho ho, very good Edwaaaaaado!

Herge Smith said...

Well that's charming!

I'm a sick chimp I tell yee, very sick.

So I used an old graphic - that fucking thing took me ages - plus you got two new ones!

Anyway, I will be back this afternoon to thrill you all with new blogs and answer some questions and that.

Incidentially my traffics shot up since that lovely Tim Washisname put me on his blog round up. Guess who's getting recommended by me next week?

All commenters step foward... not so fast edwaado...

Sniffy said...

I wish somebody would recommend me. I spend all day thinking of crap for my blog instead of putting the NHS right and what thanks do I get?

Herge Smith said...

Bloody hell cakesniffer - READ BETWEEN THE LINES. Angry Chimp will be recommending both you and half next week.

Not edwaado though, although his dads scary cat is worth a look - scared the shit out of me, the rest is flowers and that.


edwaado said...

And the fact I have the lamest blog on the planet

Sniffy said...

Yes, but Edwaado's blog, is quite clever because it's got photos of the types of things you'd expect to be stuck on a fridge (like that gooey sticky stuff around the top of the ketchup bottle).

Oh, and I get it now, sorry. I'm rather dim at times you see. I hope it's not stephacockaliticus setting in.

Thank you.

Herge Smith said...

Tina, the reason you were a little dim there for a min was the effect of going on edwaados blog - which is soooo lame.

And will never be blog rolled or linked, whatever on my top notch, and quality blog.

Mind you edwaado does seem to be a bit of a hit on flickr, where his ace camera skills come into full effect.

So if you want to see more flowers, amusing cats, or stupidly small (and not proper) dachshunds why don't you fuck off to edwaados flickr page. Go on, get lost.

There will be no more mention of discussion of on this site forthwith.

The Chimp abides.

Sniffy said...

I like Edwaado's Flickr page. There's an extremely smart-looking cat there who's called Philip, which I think is a truly excellent name for a cat.

Herge Smith said...

That's bloody charming isn't it?

I'm fucking dying of Mungs Disease and all you buggers can talk about is some tits dad's cat.

Although to be fair, I do believe Philip is suffering from Stephacockaliticus also.

Show some respect!

Sniffy said...

You didn't shag poor little Philip too did you? You complete bastard!

Karen said...


I would send a sympathy card, Herge, but they are all freaking ugly.

And yes, damn those Catholics.

Anonymous said...

Damn, should have copyrighted that one! Nah, seriously that was great. Glad you thought my little throwaway comment worthy of exploitation! If I come up with any more amusing little phrases I'll be sure to let you know...

Non-blogger Trillion

Ship Creak said...

Going back to the re-use of the graphic - only the second time you used it did I study it, and notice what appears to be a disembodied head...

Where the hell d'you get these things from?

Herge Smith said...

Non-blogger Trillion, any other ideas? I'm running low.

Ship Creak, images of all sorts can be found on this here interweb thing. Even pictures of men's dingalings, which i know you like.

Karen, yes the fucking catholics!!

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