RECIPE: Oven-baked Wild Mushroom Risotto. Part one

(this recipe first appeared in the book 'Cooking Nosh with Angry Chimp', available online here)

Available from all the usual quality places. i.e. bargin bins, The Works etc

Part one: Preparation.

I’ve always loved cooking.

I find cooking deeply relaxing, and rewarding.

There is nothing better than slaving away in a hot kitchen for hours on end to produce a magnificent feast which I then proceed to eat in 4 minutes flat, whilst watching on the tele, a couple of incredibly smug young bastards deciding which idyllic Mister Man cottage to relocate to with an ‘oh so’ tight budget of only £750k. Whilst all the while screaming, ‘YOU FUCKING CUNTS!’ with mouthfuls of whatever indigestible goo I’ve just bodged together in the kitchen.

Then there’s the washing up it generates, which always seems disproportionate to the crap I’ve just cooked, which I just leave to fester on the side of the sink for days and days on end.

Yes, I love to cook.

Moreover, I love food.

Food is great, not least of all because it stops us from starving to death in a horrible way.

This is my favourite meal. When I say favourite, I mean the only one I have a recipe for.

Oven-baked Wild Mushroom Risotto.

To make this you will need the following:

½ oz dried porcini mushrooms (10g – if you’re not one of those lunatics who refuse to adhere to a sensible metric system, on principle)– you can get these, which incidentally look very much like a bag of twigs, from Waitrose, or Morrisons/ Tesco, if you’re economically disenfranchised.

8 oz fresh, dark-gilled mushrooms (225g) – or, if like me, you don’t know what the hell ‘dark-gilled’ means, just get regular, bog standard ‘shrooms.

2 ½ oz butter (60g) And NO marge won’t work - and if you are using marge, may I suggest getting a grip – try exercising, you never know, if you get off your fat arse once in a while you might be able to switch back to butter, which is more nicer. (or just simply, nicer, if you’re not a regional)

1 medium onion, peeled and finely chopped – And if you make a comment along the lines of how peeling onion makes you cry, I suggest plunging the knife you are using into your forehead – you boring, predictable bastard.

NOTE: Finally chopped means into little pieces, not liquidised down to a couple of atoms each, just use some fucking common sense.

Take a break! - here's a food related strip from my pal, Ralphie Kidson.

7 fl oz Italian carnaroli rice (200ml) – Yes you can use regular ‘long grain’ white rice if you are a completely fucking lazy fuck head who doesn’t understand you need the proper stuff if you’re gonna make a decent meal.

5 fl oz dry Madeira (150ml) I normally just splash in some Stella, it’s all I have in the house.

2 tablespoons freshly grated Parmesan. Hmm…. lovely strong Parmesan, smells a bit, but tastes sooo nice.

Plus 2 oz (50g) extra, shaved into flakes with a potato peeler.

Salt and freshly milled black pepper – or regular ‘out of a shaker’ pepper if you prefer – I get mine from my Alessi, ‘King-kong grinder' which cost me, like £25 or summit. That’s ‘cause I’m way stylish.

Mind you, the bastards not worked properly since day one.

You will also need a 9 inch (23cm) square shallow, ovenproof dish, approximately 2 inches (5cm) deep – if you are the least bit normal you won’t have one, so just use anything that can fit a couple of kittens in – if squashed tight – that’s my new unit of measurement, the squashed kitten.

Face it, yours will look like something the dog sicked up.

Right, once you get that all sorted you will be ready to put it together and make something that may almost taste like Wild Mushroom Risotto, but will by no means look anything like the pictures of it above.

Part Two: Cooking it – Coming Soon.