Crap animals No 26: The Miniature Dachshund

The Miniature Dachshund - it's a smooth I believe, and a tan at that.

The Dachshund, or Sausage Dog to the proles, is the result of about 6000 years of selective breeding – so it took 6000 years to go from wolf to stupid small freak dog.

That means, if the Nazi’s had had the past 60 old years to tinker with genetics and that, we would still only be at the level of Thom Yorke in terms of a truly fucked up human.

The first out-and-about short-legged Dachshund ‘type’ dog appeared in Europe back in the 16th Century, where they were used by farmers and hunters to go to earth after badgers. (Hence name – Badger Dog)

By the 18th century the Germans decided the standard Dachshund, which was already ridiculously small, was still too big, unable as it was to fit in a gamekeepers back pocket, along with his penknife, bratwurst, keys and fags.

Hence the miniature was born.

And what a truly stooped creature this is.

Right, this is a very straight man with a small dog. Okay?

You just don’t see that many being used as working dogs anymore, and even when they are, it’s not like they’re Border Collies - y'know, useful or anything. Unlike the Miniature Dachshund, the Collie is smart and can be trained to obey, and fetch your Patrick Cox's, just like a small child. (Although you may need to use a stick in the case of the small child)

Dachshunds are known as a ‘lap dogs’, but the fact of the matter is, if one of these little runts started grinding its arse into my groin and tried to charge me 15 quid for the pleasure, I’d be forced to have words with its owner.

What I would like to know is, are there really that many old ladies in the world to look after these things?

Not only are these small doggies the equivalent of a clubbed seal on a lead, they are a hazard. If you ever see one when you are out walking, I suggest crossing over onto the other side of road, because if you get near this little bastard, you are going down. Hard.

What are they for?

Is it just so people can ‘coo’? And you, the owner can gain some twisted form of kudos for having such an odd dog?

Is it because babies have a tendency to grow into spiky haired, arrogant gob-shites, but the mini-dachs retains its look of small, vulnerable, and dare I say, ‘cute’ until their overly long and completely impractical backs give out and you have to refuse to have the shit drive round in a little cart so you have it killed at the vets? Which upsets the kids terribly but works out better for your bank balance and self respect (despite the fact that if you own one of these, your self respect must have already bottomed out)

Darth Dachshund, more machine now than small dog, twisted and evil

They are also one of those animals, which seem to always garner the same response in strangers – once the cooing ends;

“How old is it, is it a puppy?”
“Was it a Doberman that you walked too much?” (Ooh, my sides are splitting)
“What is it? Is it poorly?”
"That could kill my bull terrier/ rottweiller. It'd get caught in my dogs throat as it was being swallowed"

If you want a dog, get a dog! This is like a starter dog, you try it, you move on to the real thing.

Oh, and one last thing, you know that expression, 'A dog is a man's best friend'? - Let me tell you, if some dog is your bezzie mate, you are really in trouble dude.

UPDATE ON No.18 the Giant Panda

In my previous crap animal, I took a balanced look at the Panda and questioned their reluctance to ‘get it on’ and breed in captivity. I had a great ‘anonymous’ comment who suggested that their maybe a more obvious reason for their reticence around the ladies;

“The problem with pandas is that 97.2% of them are gay. Therefore reducing the likelihood of mating activity in the zoo. To create a successful captive breeding program the gay ones need to be whittled out, and straight pandas put in their place. Simple. Except it's hard to tell straight from gay - the panda community like to keep us guessing.”

Obvious really.

Previous crap animals;

No.18 The Giant Panda
No. 47 The Zebra