Sunday, May 29, 2005

Kidney Swap: LIVE - Viewing figures say it needs dialysis

kidney sway live 1
The old man is about to rip that kids kidney out with his teeth

It is hard truth TV executives do not want to face; the appeal of the reality TV show maybe on the wane.

Recent viewing figures for ITV’s controversial Kidney Swap: LIVE, which saw two senior citizens from same family compete for a chance to receive the kidney of their genetic grandson, have been described by an unnamed source within ITV as, ”fucking awful”.

Kidney Swap: LIVE, the brainchild of production company Raped Asshole, is yet another in a series of high concept reality style game shows. Kidney Swap promised viewers the chance to see a kidney transplant live on air, and a prognosis of ten more years boozing and smoking for the winner, with the loser returning to dialysis and an uncertain future.

Kidney Swap: LIVE, which was broadcast over a two week period at 8pm each night received only 1.1million viewers at it’s peak, the finale, in which the 9 year old kidney donor, Marcus Wellburn, sadly died during the procedure leaving both Huntley Wellburn and Helena Wellburn–Keane, kidney-less and a grandchild down. At it’s lowest point Kidney Swap: LIVE had viewing figures that matched the last Liberal Party Political Broadcast.

Zendra Loontic, the show’s executive produce, said she unconcerned. “We’ve got a very strong format with this show, and the finale, although tragic, will secure us decent sales on our subsequent DVD highlights companion, which is due for release this Monday – the problem with the viewing audience, they want blood letting from day one. We didn’t get blood letting until day twelve”.

ITV have already confirmed that there will be a second series of Kidney Swap: LIVE despite the fall of viewer interest. ITV argues that the gameshow/reality show/ medical drama format will take a second series to really bed in. “Just look at Celebrity Jungle Hunt” said a spokesperson for the station, “It took a second series and the on screen death of Felicity Kendall to start making an impact in the ratings”.

Audience Share3
Death, disease and celebrity - ugrh.


pissoff said...

Another great idea Herge.

Sniffy said...

How about "Celebrity Jungle Kidney Swap: LIVE"? I think it's a winner! You get a bunch of tissue-typed E-list celebs in the jungle and get them to perform life-saving surgery on each other. Even better, get them to perform cosmetic surgery on each other; they'd have to improvise on using bush tucker for breast implants, but it'd certainly make for intersting and lively, if not fatal, boob jobs.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Herge, I am so confused! Are these ideas for shows from the deep recesses of your own twisted mind (if so, then brillant) or are these actual reality TV pilots?

BTW, one of my co-workers is being considered for a reality show. Personally, I can't stand the things, with exception to America's next top model, and will probably hold a slight grudge towards the UK for inflicting Simon Cowell and American Idol on us. Anyway, the show that my co-worker is being considered for is actually a show that is being made for viewers in the UK.

Alaska has a very high male to female ratio, about 2.5 men for every woman. In some places it is as high as 7:1. Apparently there are some small villages overthere in the UK that have not nearly enough men for the amount of women. The premise of this show is a bunch of guys from Alaska go to one of these little towns and sees how many little chickies from the UK they can score with. Well, not totally true, their billing it as "finding true love" blah, blah, blah. But the truth is, if it was all sweet and gentle courtship, who'd watch?

After a few weeks of the men being in the UK, then the women of choice (3 to 4 for each man, cause, yeah that's fair and not at all sexist) go back to Alaska to see if they can make it in the last frontier.

I actually hope he gets the thing. He's a big himbo and would be a great reality tv contestant.

Karen said...

You're still a sicko, Herge.

Herge Smith said...

Lisa, sadly as Tina will confirm, all the TV shows I cover are real.

Things are truly out of hand here regarding reality tv shows. I will of course continue to report from the cutting edge of these extremely disturbing broadcasts.

BTW, Simon Cowell is a missionary from the UK Reality TV circuit.

What's the name of the show your mates gonna be on?

Karen, I thank you and take that as a compliment.

April - Well hellllooooo. And thanks.

Tina. Not a bad idea. I have a couple of shows in reserve, one of which I think is as close to distastful as I've come.

Coming soon.

Lisa from Alaska said...

I can write into the wee hours of the UK morn thanks to time zone differences. But dearest Herge, don't you sleep?

Herge Smith said...

Feeling a tad wired + finished downloading the first season of the HBO show The Wire, so watching that, doing the occasion blog comment and designing more posters etc with photoshow.

Meanwhile the Dashshund sleeps soundly in her bed next to my desl.

Tis bliss I tell ya, mind you I am finally going to bed in a min - suns starting to come up here.

Lisa from Alaska said...

I'm attempting to breakup my posts a bit so that you might compete w/Tina's tally.

A few things I am unsure of:

First, that you are telling the truth about the TV shows. Surely you embellish?

Second, I don't know the name of the show that Chris might be on, probably something like,"Who wants to Ho their way through the UK." I'll ask him.

One thing I know for sure:
Missionaries did very little for the people they served besides distroy their cultures and boring up their sex lives. Simon is the prefect missionary and in that sense, you should be proud. ("Honey, not right now... American Idol is on. That Simon is a riot!")

Lisa from Alaska said...

PS. glad to know you sleep

Herge Smith said...

I might be embellishing slightly when it comes to the reality TV shows.

Simon Cowell, he truly is one of satans little helper missionaries.

I meant photoshop earlier, not photoshow - don't know what the hell I'm on about at times.

Lisa from Alaska said...

A true sign that sleep is needed. Do you work from home? No office to go to? Tomorrow is a holiday, oh wait, probably not for the UK. Dunno, do you celebrate Memorial Day?

Herge Smith said...

Tomorrow is a holiday here also - we call it Bank Holiday Monday.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Really? What does it commemorate?

Herge Smith said...

I actually don't know - I think it commemorates having a day off. Which is fine.

What about yours?

Sniffy said...

Our Bank Holidays are to commemorate how many Bank Holidays the rest of the bastards in Europe get compared to us. All we get out of Europe is a good shafting right up to the fur.

Herge's reality TV shows are real to some extent.

I'm not making very good coffee today. This is my second cup and it's rank.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Memorial Day started of as a day rememberance for those who died in servce to the country, but as sort of turned into a day to remember all love ones who've passed.

See we ned a special day for this because, as a whole, we tend to ingore our senior citizens, thinking them more of a nuisance than a treasure. And since very few of us actually spend time with Gram or Gramps after we've put 'em in a home and seized power-of-attorney over their assets, if we don't have a special day off of work to go visit them in the graveyard, then they'd probably never be thought of again.

Herge Smith said...

Tina - thanks for the clarification on the UK bank holiday.

Lisa - this is why you, april (pissoff) Connie, karen and thordora have convinced me that folk from canada are the nicest, most thoughful and intelligent people on the planet.

Your explanation of memorial day was delightful.

Bless you all.