Crap animal No.12: Human Children

Parents warning: Your children are not special. Sorry.

The on-line dictionary, dictionary.com defines CHILDREN as;

1. A person between birth and puberty.
2. a. An unborn infant; a fetus. b. An infant; a baby.
3. One who is childish or immature.
4. A son or daughter; an offspring.
5. A member of a tribe; descendant: children of Abraham.
6. a. An individual regarded as strongly affected by another or by a specified time, place, or circumstance: a child of nature; a child of the Sixties. b. A product or result of something specified: “Times Square is a child of the 20th century” (Richard F. Shepard).

You just feel compelled to obey

The on-line lies, spite and bile fest, ANGRY CHIMP defines CHILDREN as;

1. An annoyance until they are old enough to buy me a pint.
2. Something that shits, cries and destroys your social life.
3. Each one is a precious unique miracle despite the current world population standing at 6,446,131,400! (I don’t even know how to say that)
4. An excuse for every parent to have righteous indignation at everything.

Before I launch into a diatribe against children I need to get two things clear;

ONE: I don’t hate all children. There are a couple of brats I sorta like. These include a couple of my friend’s kids (not all of them, mind) and my nephew (I have two nephews but one is now able to satisfy criteria 1 – buying me pints - so he’s no longer a child).

This is my lovely nephew;

Oh and by the way, not a freak, a sweetie

You may have seen him somewhere before. This was taken a few years ago. He looks like this now.

He's a bad one alright

This is what comes of having Angry Chimp as an uncle. It grinds you down.

TWO: Don’t fret folks, any snaps of children on this blog will conform to the UK regulations on kiddie fiddling. This regulation states: Any adult that talks about children, thinks about children, are in the same location as children, ever done a search on google for pictures of children, no matter how innocent, are DIRTY EVIL PAEDOPHILES and should immediately be reported to the authorities;

Panda porn is also looked down on

Angry Chimp is now nervous, and certain he is on some sort of register after doing a picture search for children on google for this post - I swear they were all fully clothed (Christ, I hate kids, I certainly don't want to see the disgusting little shit stained abortion dodgers naked!)

Of course, paedophiles are members of an exclusive club, the club of people who love children unquestionably. The only other members of this club are parents. The major difference between paedophiles and parents are that parents don’t get a thrill from touching children’s winkies, and that parents tend to look less like paedophiles than paedophiles.

Loving, decent folk look like this;

Sensible couple with moustaches and sexual repression

Paedophiles look more like this;

Evil, pure evil, all of them.

Children weren’t always crap, in the old days children were supposed to have been seen but not heard. This was a golden age.

Children then looked mostly like this;

Angry Chimp says this child is an angel.

Now it appears children must be seen, heard, treated as equals and be allowed to act like adults.

Unfortunately, the adults these children act like, are the pig thick, over opinionated, aggressively self-centred, socially lacking, cunt holes. You know, like your mate Dave.

Children allowed to act like adults is of course, bollocks.

If anyone under 16 wants to be treated as an adult then they should be given a shitty soul-destroying job, a series of disastrous relationships, which slowly chip away at any vestiges of dignity and self-respect you may have clung to, and a mortgage. Then they can be treated like an adult.

How children really look.

The majority of teenagers are of course vile. Really, truly vile. This is mostly because parents today are rubbish.

This is mine and my generation’s fault.

We thought it was cool to be all modern and try to relate to our children more than our parents did.

There would be no more rules without explanation, no more play that can potentially cause harm to a child (not so much as a scratch) and certainly no child would ever again be sad and be without absolutely everything they wanted.

We were wrong.

This approach has not so much created a generation of well-adjusted, self-effacing, respectful saints; rather it’s created a generation of monsters.

Heaven help us all.

Angry Chimp cannot write anymore on the subject of children because his flesh is crawling.

PLEASE NOTE: The only children that aren’t crap are the ones that are physically or mentally ill. These children are IMMEDIATELY little angels/ brave heros etc... and can never ever ever do any wrong.

That is the law.

ANGRY CHIMP SEZ: TAKE NOTE

This is a work in progress post, which I will republish at a later date when I've included your feedback (please, I need the feedback man!) and some references to other blogs re: hairless screech monkeys - I'm looking at you Tina and Trillion .

Previous crap animals;

No.35 The Wasp
No.18 The Giant Panda
No.26 The Miniature Dachshund
No.47 The Zebra