Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Disease diary: UPDATE!

Stephacockaliticus and me
It's time to get serious.

Well, it has been a terrible couple of months since I last updated my Disease Diary.

I would like to say thank you for all your concern and your kind comments asking what has become of me ever since my Stephacockaliticus diagnosis way back in March.

Stephacockaliticus and me
Stephacockaliticus day 1
Stephacockaliticus day 2
Stephacockaliticus day 3
Stephacockaliticus week 2

I would like to say thank you; but not one single person could be arsed to find out how I've been. Bastards.

Anyway, for those new to this diary I'd better give you some background on my dreadful afflication.

Stephacockaliticus is a horribly debilitating illness. It affects both your sense of taste and decency. In many cases Stephacockaliticus A and C will attack the regressive class gene and can revert the sufferer back his or her dominating hereditary parentage.

So here is a brief recap of my past couple of months.

March
I picked up a copy of the Daily Mail instead of the Observer and cancelled my subscription to Sight and Sound magazine in favour of a 12 month subscription to Nuts – the man’s mag (anymore than 12 months would surely be a waste of money).

nuts2
She may be a minger, but she's got big ol' knockers.

April
Traded in the Audi A3, which lets face it, is a bit of a ladies car and got me self sorted out with a lovely old Merc. She goes like a bomb, really lifted me spirits.

May
Had tickets for some right noisemakers from Canada or somewhere – flogged them on ebay, along with most of me books and comics (what am I 12?) and a bunch of studenty records.

First thing I did with the dosh was to get a couple of tickets for Motley Crϋe – playing in Brum (remember that video with Tommy and ‘is big titted wife Pamela?). Then a bought some Robbie Williams CDs, and some of them Ministry of S'and albums for th' motor.

my A3 - disposed
It's 'ow a geezer gets shot of a motor

June.
It’s been a right bleedin' scorcher, I can tell ya. Me and the missus were finking of going to Majorca, but knocked it on the ‘ed in favour of holidaying at ‘ome.

Anyway, before all that I had to ‘ave another course of them drugs an’ that, to help me condition, Stepha… step… erm, Mung’s Disease.

July.
The treatment so far has been a success, but sadly, it is only to slow down the effects of Stephacockaliticus. It is not a cure; there currently is no cure.

Goodness knows where I will be by Christmas. I aim to have Yule Tide in our traditional family style, all together at my great Aunts house, singing carols and preparing each other’s Christmas stockings, a celebration of family and praise to the good Lord.

But with the ravages of this illness, I’ll be lucky if I don’t wake up face down in a puddle of my own sick before dragging myself to the ‘lounge’ to watch Sky TV all day long from my 70-inch flat screen TV. All the while stuffing my beer gutted self in a jamboree of crisps and Quality Street from a tin the size of Basingstoke.

Daily Mail2
'Nuff said.

I pledge you this dear, concerned reader, if I stand when the Queen comes on I will end it all, there and then.

Until next time, stay healthy... while you still can.

23 comments:

edwaado said...

Always nice to get an update. But I'm sure Tina has asked how you were doing?

Pity your geek friends' site is down, otherwise you'd be doing tons of business on your Nuts mag.

thordora said...

you have some ISSUES my friend. LARGE ICKY VENERAL issues... :P

but that's ok!

pissoff said...

Herge...has the gold bracelet and necklace kicked in yet? Since you now have a Merc I can't imagine you driving it without a big, gaudy chain around your wrist and neck.

pissoff said...

Oh yeah...I hope the meds are working.

Crystal said...

And is this disease contagious, by say, entering another person's brain through constant reading of the infected person's struggle to come to terms with the disease?

Rainypete said...

Flamin' blue 'eck! I think I may 'ave it meself!

If I got's it from this 'ere interweb pagey thing I'll 'ave to knock you about you rotter!

Sniffy said...

I've heard you can get it from sucking a Werther's Original!

Karen said...

Herge - save some of that Quality Street for me. And say hello to the "missus" for me! ;)

Jane said...

Oh I hope you haven't got to the point of wearing overpriced undersized badly made "sportswear" yet. Not even the strongest antibiotics can help then.

Hope you are feeling better soon! :-)

Sniffy said...

It could all be prevented if "they" spiked Red Bull with antibiotics. Or is that chlamydia?

red one said...

'lo Herge, what a nice blog you've got.

But I'm so sorry you've got that Methicilin Resistant Stephacockaliticus Aureus thing. I mean, how hard is it to keep a hospital clean?

blimey, it's catching...

RedOne

garfer said...

Mercs are the conveyances of the devil. I'd much prefer to have a jamboree in the back of a jag with PJ anyday.

Rowan said...

*hee hee* nice to see you are fine herge.

Sincerely this is your BEST post ever! I re-read over some of your older posts, I actually like them better than some of your newer work, it was slyer some how.

Crystal said...

I agree with Rowan.

best.post.EVER!

Sniffy said...

Rowan, your standards must be slipping if you think this is Herge's best post ever!

I sentence you to read Angry Chimp from day one.

Not that I'm saying this isn't brilliant, but there's so much more to Chimp than an terminal illness.

Ship Creak said...

Chimp goes way back, and I've mentioned to him over a beer that his first stuff was equally as good as the new, but more raw somehow.

Is re-posting okay after 6 months hidden in the archives or is that outside of blogging ettiquette?

All this good stuff hidden away in the archives, which no-one ever goes back to read, seems such a waste...

Herge Smith said...

It's all shite.

Anyway, re-posting is up to the individual.

Now, if you've only done, say 20 posts in 6 months, I'd say that if you felt the need to repost then it's time to give up.

If you've done 300 posts in 6 months - the occasional repost (will added material - a la Lucas) is fine.

Good question Ship mate, good question.

Sniffy said...

I find it very touching that we've done nearly the same number of posts in just about the same amount of time. It's like we're linked or something...

Herge Smith said...

Great interview over at Cakesniffers with the lovely Connie Make sure you check it out!!

Yeah, it's weird innit?? I though that when I did the interview - almost exactly the same number. I have about 5 early posts I never published cause they were rubbish, but apart from that almost 300 in 6 months.

I was worried at first that I'd run out of ideas after 10. You could argue that I have and that I've recycled alot. (50 Daves, 50 Cards, 20 Daleks...)

MHN for short said...

Ah, this explains alot...
j/k. you know we love you!!

Rowan said...

Herge, when I get a chance, I am going to do as Tina dictates and march to the gallows (or the entirety of your blog) again. It has been a while since I've read EVERYTHING. Maybe there is one in there that I'll find even better.

Sniffy said...

I see it now herge, very good.

Jessie said...

and what the hell's wrong with marmite, anyway?