Blair statement regarding Stockwell Tube execution

"If you're Asian, or a bit whatsit - cap in yo ass!"

"We believe we now know the identity of the man shot at Stockwell Underground Station by police on Friday July 22 2005.

It is certainly true, that it would have been a huge help if we’d known the identity of this man before we murdered him, but we can’t be expected to get everything right. We are all under a massive amount of pressure here, and small mistakes will happen from time to time.

It has taken a little while to formally identify the man, this is because our well-trained officers managed successfully to shot his face off. In which case we can make allowances for the delay.

Tragically, the man was a tax payer, although fortunately he was not a native born Britain. So we are able to state categorically at this time that although there was a fatal shooting in Stockwell Underground Station, no Britons were involved. Which is frankly a silver lining.

Obviously, our officers are highly trained to identify a potentially life threatening situation. Moments prior to the shooting – in that 1 or 2 second crisis time, they would have had to use their experience and training to take the course of action they took.

In the case of this incident the officer involved will have mentally gone through a checklist similar to this;

1. Is the suspect a darkie of some description?
2. Does he run when a group of random strangers start to shout/scream at him and wave guns around?
3. Does he have a terror deployment device – or rucksack, as they are also known?
4. If he does not have a TDD, is he wearing something that could cover up a bomb? Such as an item of clothing?
5. Does he look guilty? e.g. panicky/ sweaty/ scared when an undercover officer sticks a shooter in his mush?
6. Is he a darkie of some description?
7. How many bullets will it take to shoot his face off?
8. Will it be just like Counterstrike for the PC?
9. If we shoot him, can we get away with it?

The only point open to question is point 9. Which, seeing as how the officers involved shot this fella in front of a tube load of commuters; they have made it a tad tricky to cover up. Hence this press conference.

"I see terrorists - all the time..."

Following this embarrassing incident, I believe that there are now two major questions facing us.

The first is; do we count the man the Police incorrectly executed as a score for the terrorists or one for our side? – There will be debate surrounding that issue for sometime I imagine. Not least of all with the victims family.

The other question is around our current shoot-to-kill-a lot, policy.

Well, this goes back to the suspects involved in the terrible incident on 7/7 – which incidentally I coined as a new brand – 7/7 – a brand this Government has pledge will help elevate Briton in the terror bombing attack league to at least Madrid level.

Definitely ahead of Bali and more recently Egypt, which, although tragic did involve a number of ‘dark skinned’ people, and not really that many Brits – hence it’s relegation to 2nd or 3rd item of news on the day it happened. You want a story to be No.1 - here's a tip - make 'em White or make 'em Brits. Preferably both.

We’ve learnt a lot from the criticism over the Guildford 4 and Birmingham 6, or was it 5 and 7? oh I forget.

Anyway, the point is we have learnt that if you are gonna fit up some poor bastard, better choose someone who was tragically killed in the incident itself. Far less chance of them protesting their innocence later. You want a patsy that will stick. The last thing this Country needs is to open wounds later with a load of ‘Grassy knoll’ nonsense.

But as I said before, our officers were tactless enough to 'kill to death' this innocent man in front of ‘too many to silence’ witnesses.

This is a mistake we certainly hope not to make again in the future.

Ironically, the man slaughtered by our Police hailed from Brazil, a country that has itself become an expert in 'back alley' government sanctioned death squad murdering.

Anyway, I would like to conclude in my now tradition manner. This will be by making an empty statement regarding our need to remain vigilant in the face of a threat which I will reduce to purely ideological and/or simply Evil, in a Judo-Christian way, obviously.

This of course will be a veiled attempt to distance myself from blame, and to increase your fear and paranoia, which will ultimately keep you easy to control and a piece of piss to lie to.

So here goes;

The terrorists are attempting to attack our very way of life and our freedom. I say to them, with your blessing, that they will never change our way of life.

And if preserving our way of life and our freedom means we have to impose new restrictive freedom of movement legislation, allow our Police to stop and search anyone who looks slightly Asian or ‘funny looking’ without good reason, have undercover coppers executing the occasional ‘innocent’ darkie or indeed generally become a crypto fascistic 1984 Big Brother style society; then so be it.

You will never change our way of life, which is based on freedom and a huge pile of bullshit.

Britain will prevail."

The good ol' days:
" Can we shoot the little Asian fella, Sarge?"
"Hold on a sec, I'm just checking the regs"