Friday, July 29, 2005

Lying, the new black - REDUX

Prez Dubya Meester B

Lying, as some old dude once said, “Is telling the truth, from a certain point of view”

Of course that point of view is somewhere in Bullshit Land, which by a startling coincidence was the exact location that Messer’s Blair and Bush formulated the rationale for the invasion of Iraq.

Anyway, I would be lying if I said I was the least bit interested in politics.

Although we are raised to believe that lying is inherently wrong; this it turns out is also a lie.

There are always grey areas to truth telling, and as you go through life you will find that on occasion a lie proves to be the only appropriate course of action available.

For example,

TIMMY: Uncle Herge, are my parents dead?

UNCLE HERGE: Um, no... they're just resting.

TIMMY: Why is daddy resting with his head missing?

UNCLE HERGE: Good question Timmy; here have a Mars bar.

Another example,

THE POLICE: Have you been stalking Winona Ryder?

HERGE: Um…no.

And another example,

VET: Have you been beating your dog with a stale French loaf?

HERGE: Um...no

And one final example,

GIRLFRIEND: Were you flirting with my best friend Maggie?

HERGE: Um…no.

See no harm done, and as it happens Maggie was flirting with me, but then that was over ten years ago so who cares now?

Well me for one, Maggie was hot. I should have gone off with her and left my then girlfriend behind. We may have been married with children by now, living a happy and fulfilled existence, rather than this one.

Not that I am in the least bit unhappy with my life; it’s great.

That last statement was of course an example of a white lie. This is a lie where no one gets hurt, or at least no one worth bothering about.

happy birthday barely

So, what have we learnt so far? We have learnt that lying is never wrong.

Not ever.

Unless you find out someone has lied to you, in which case, “Damn them all to Hell!”

These are just a few of my favourite lies,

PARENT TO CHILD: You can be anything you want to be when you grow up.

GIRLFRIEND TO ME: It doesn’t matter, it happens to everyone. (this followed my disastrous pounding at HALO by my 12-year-old nephew, which resulted in penile dysfunction)

ME TO EVERYONE: No, I’m fine, honest.

BOSS TO ME: There is a future for you in this company.

ME TO BOSS: I like my job.

ME TO EVERYONE: The Winona obsession is an ironic, postmodern joke.

EVERYONE TO ME: The grey in your hair looks good.

ME TO EACH OF MY FRIENDS: I like you best.

GIRLFRIENDS TO ME: I love you.

ME TO THEM: I care.

Star Wars fibs

Some poor souls have an enormous trouble lying. My mate, lets call him Mr X, he cannot lie for toffee, or any other confectionary, or indeed for anything at all.

Useless.

I’m always telling him, if when you lie you start to stutter and blush, you need to do this all the time, then when you do lie, no one will know.

Sorted.

They say the best way to tell a lie is to hide it in an even bigger lie.

COMPETITION TIME: See if you can spot the real lie here,

“No honey, honestly, when I was in the supermarket there was an armed siege. A couple of shoppers were shot dead, I dived on the ground just as the gunmen opened fired. Thank god, it missed me! The bullets did unfortunately destroy the last of the Tampons. Then the police came, killed all the gunmen and let me go. Here’s the rest of the shopping”

Did you spot it? - Write in with the correct answer and you may win a prize.

I think everyone should tell at least one lie per day. If you do, you will soon feel like you are taking a bit of yourself back, piece by piece.

Here are some lies you may want to try on for size,

“I’ll do it right away”, “I’m busy”, “I already gave”, “You look great”, “Hmm this is tasty”, “My pleasure”, “It’s good to see you”, “I haven’t got time”, “We should get together, soon”, “You have a wrong number”, “You look good in that”, “I'm happy for you”, “I missed you”, “I love you”, “I love the children”.

Honestly, as soon as you start incorporating more lies into your daily routine you will feel a world better – seriously, you will… no seriously.

never trust a dalek

In addition, do not worry about those people who claim they never lie; they are clearly too stupid to lie. Alternatively, they are simply telling big fat porky pies.

Thank you for reading. (another lie).

26 comments:

aasmodeus said...

The lie was the coppers didn't shoot no gunmen, they shot the foreigner who was running for his life, eh?

Bloody tampons.

Craig said...

Oh, just totally brilliant.

cali said...

Hmmm, I'll remember that one next time I'm sent out for pads. Maybe take some tomato ketchup with me for a touch of realism.
Daleks can't lie can they? Specially the gold ones, which as I've said before, I trust implicitly.

thordora said...

Bad day Herge?

My favorite lie currently involves the Puffincunt...

"Of COURSE I already sent that report."

fucker.

I'm noticing that there is a startling resemblance between him and Blair.

Great post, but maybe, stop it with the Halo, k?

MHN for short said...

"Wow Herge, That was the greatest post I've ever read!"



Just taking your advice, wow I do feel better... ;-p yust yoking...

april said...

I agree - most excellent post (as Bill and Ted would say) - and not a lie from me...

I have test run the blending of white lies into daily life and people start to ask if everything is ok. I guess I am so miserable or look to be miserable that I couldn't possibly be able to say polite things to people (even if they aren't)

work lies are my favorite "isn't it in your office", "I emailed it a month ago", "no messages today"... ha ha ha - I could go on all night :)

Wyndham said...

People encourage you to lie and then complain when you tell the truth. How many times have I had to critically appraise a friend's piece of work only to discover they didn't want an appraisal, only praise. "What do you mean it's shit?" If you didn't want me to tell the truth, don't ask me to have an opinion.

Lord Bargain said...

and the occasional ridiculously implausible lie that is done so convincingly people start thinking it may actually be true.

For example, I spent an hour the other week convincing my colleagues I used to be the lead singer of late 80's "pop" band Brother Beyond.

Great fun.

Nobody Special said...

The best lies are the ones that get you time off work.

Sniffy said...

Lying is ace. Well, fibbing is ace. Fibbing is better than lying. I think.

Help me I'm confused.

Herge Smith said...

Tina - it's all ace.

Fibbing is basically lying for Christians/ Charity workers - Is that right Mhn?

Lying vs fibbing - Same dif, but you don't feel so bad when you convince yourself it's a fib.

How'd you like the brush and polish on this old post?

Sniffy said...

Tis truly excellent, dear heart. I liked it first time around, when I was admiring you from afar, but this is the business (love Dalek).

You're a genius and I adore you more than it's possible for you to know.

Herge Smith said...

Ahhhh, that's nice.

Rowan said...

(this followed my disastrous pounding at HALO by my 12-year-old nephew not sure what this expression means hergie, sorry can you explain?

The lie was the tampons, am I right?

Herge Smith said...

I was beaten playing HALO (a game on the Xbox) by my 12-year nephew.

I know, I know, I don't cater enough for my international audience, Soz (sorry).

Dirk the Feeble said...

That's a great Star Wars "missing scene."

Perdita said...

I have the opposite problem of your friend. No one believes me when I tell the truth. Apparently I can lie straight faced all day long but the idea of the truth is too much to bear and I smile, and then when called in it, I smile even more at the ridiculousness of having to convince someone of the truth.

"There is a fire in the building"
"Really"
*grinning like fool* "Uh, YEAH"
"ha ha ha your making that up"

Yes you morons I thought it would be funny...So I barged into an office where a confidential meeting was taking place just to yuk it up.

Sniffy said...

I preferred it when it was just me and you herge. All these strangers are scaring me. Make them go away.

Faltanus said...

my favorite time to lie is when it is completely unneccessary. like when you're just talking with a group of friends and someone poses a "I wonder how that works..." kind of question and everyone just sort of shrugs and says "I don't know...." Oh no, not me. Even if I don't know (most of the time) I make something up that sounds reasonable and out it flies. A trait I picked up from my father I'm sorry to say.

Any way Herge - that was a brilliant post, and that is no lie.

MHN for short said...

I suppose. It's just so blasted hard to keep up with what lie you told to whom that i like to stick to the truth. I think the only lies I've told as an adult are the "Lies of Ommission". Those are usually so I don't hurt someone's feelings, I just keep my opinion to myself. Especially if the information wouldn't do any good and only harm. That's just me...

garfer said...

Tony blair never lies. He believes wholeheartedly in what he is saying while he is saying it. The fact that he believes something completely different five minutes later is beside the point.
Chuffingly good post btw.

Sylvana said...

I can only lie to save my ass and even then it has to be mostly true. I get overwhelmed by guilt when I lie. And I'm paranoid that people know I'm lying. And I forget things to easily, so I can never keep my story straight. I just have WAY too many things working against me.

aasmodeus said...

I've been told I look Native American. However, I have successfully made people believe I'm Jewish.

"It was great for me!"

"I'm busy that night."

"I didn't mean to hurt you."

"No, that's okay, don't worry about it, no big deal."

"It won't hurt!"

"You look great!"

"I love you."

"I hate you!"

"I forgot to bring money... I'll cover next time."

--note, these aren't all from my mouth.

thordora said...

Hey! I was beginning to think I was the only Ruby fan anywhere...didn't know it had been remixed....

Karen said...

Now Herge, if you had married Maggie and had kids, you'd have less time to devote to Dixon. Really, you have your priorities straight. ;)

GIRLFRIEND TO ME: It doesn’t matter, it happens to everyone. (this followed my disastrous pounding at HALO by my 12-year-old nephew, which resulted in penile dysfunction)

Was the penile dysfunction yours or your nephew's? ;) Ha!

I enjoyed this post a lot. :)

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