Tuesday, February 22, 2005

"Princess Di still dead", say Royals

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not. Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana of Wales, just moments before tragedy strikes.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.

Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign, which ran the slogan;

Evian: Don’t die of thirst.

beneath an image of both Princess Diana and Burrell exploding in a cloud of deadly shrapnel and body parts.

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently 'lynched', by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed 'humanitarians', following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

It is believed that these recent rumours of Princess Diana's miraculous reappearance in Essex, were first brought to the attention of the UK tabloid press by web-logger or ‘blogger’, Kenneth Critchlow (14) of Winston-Salem, North Carolina, on his renowned conspiracy blogsite; ‘It’s all lies. blogspot’.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (58) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.

happy couple
Charles and Wendy, the happy couple.

“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of Charles brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as;

The Half Blood Prince,

due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle;

harry hucknell
Half Blood and Pa.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told AC Press, "and it would certainly not surprise me, if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of ‘coloured’ in her, he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton. The announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.

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