Saturday, February 12, 2005

Should you chat up the EX of a close friend?

It's a tough one to call quite frankly, and can be a little weird so before you do dive straight in there are a number of factors you will need to consider;

1. Is it worth all the hassle?
'Cause you already know that once your close friend finds out they are not going to be best pleased, whether or not this is justifiable. So really is it just an ego thing? If it is just an ego thing then fine, go for it! It may be wrong but at least you know why you are doing it.

2. Did you have a thing for the ex pre/ during or post relationship with your mate?
If it was a simple twist of fate that allowed your mate to get in there first because you'd gone to the bog to be sick or she/he was the nurse caring for your mate when he/she had that nasty bout of stephacockalitus but the fact of the matter is you had flirted a bit with her/him whilst your mate was still in intensive care and then when they finally came out of the coma the Florence Nightingale bit kicked in and you'd had it.

If it was during you're clearly just a snakeoid. But hey, who hasn't had the hots for a mates sqeeze right?

If it was post, well then it's all fresh and new, and really you've done nothing wrong right?

3. How did the relationship between the close friend and the ex end?
Simple one really - if the close friend ended the relationship you're good to go. If the ex dumped your mate, you're screwed. If they broke up by mutual consent in a mature and caring way to honor what they once had and avoid hurt feelings/ undying bitterness - they are both lying bastards. Again you're good to go.

Unfortunately there is a caveat to this, and it's a biggy. If there is any mention of broken hearts on either side then this automatically rules you out of the question. Sorry but broken hearts is like the themo nuclear bomb of the rock paper scissors.

4. How close are you really to this so called 'close friend'?
Would you miss them? Would you really? Face it, they're a pain in the arse anyway aren't they? and they only call you a close friend when it suits them, am i right? am I? If they were so close they'd never have a problem with you pursuing your own (pointless) search for happiness. Right? I'm right yeah. Bastards.

5. How much time has elapsed since the close pal and ex split?
I mean if they split up right there and then in front of you, you're mate turns away to wipe away a tear and you dive in with a witty remark intended to lead to dating and sex, I'd suggest you're a tad insensitive and you might want to wait at least until you can get your buddy to piss off to the bar to get the round in before you try to swap spit with the newly ex'd.

If on the other hand they last dated when Pop Will Eat Itself ruled the stereos of our nations halls of residences then I think you're okay to move the troops forward. And honestly, if the close friend is still eaten up over the ex they really really need to get a grip.

6. Can you keep it a secret from your friend?
If it comes to the wedding and you're there and your close friend is there and your close friend says to you;

"So I still haven't met the lucky boy/girl"

This level of skill means you're in with a chance of getting away with it long term.

7. Does the ex of the close friend actually like you at all?
Because you may just be creating a whole bunch of trouble for yourself based on your woefully inadequate signal reading abilities. Best way to find out is asking them. But for the love of Jesus's dog be subtle, no;

"Hey if it's okay with no-friends over there can i cop a feel?"

8. Are you just doing this simply out of spite?
If you are, then that's great, you must truly be in touch with your emotions - that's not a very common quality you know.

9. Will the chatting up of the ex offend some or all of your friends thus making you a social pariah?
If it will take comfort in the knowledge that if it works out with your mates ex you'll be too busy having sex and learn you close mates dirty secrets to give a shit.

10. If you've read 1 to 9 then you already know that you shouldn't really do it.

You gutless tit. Do you reckon your mate would have the same level of consideration for you? Doubtful right? You are such a doormat.

Over to you...

Obviously this is the first issue Angry Chimp has addressed so I would really welcome feedback/ thoughts/ abuse on this topic so I can re-publish a definitive set of guidelines at a later date and we can put this one to bed and get back on with our lives which now mainly involves watching z-grad celebs sit around picking their noses, scratching their arses and wondering who they might be talking about when they block out their tedious late night drunken chatter.

BTW, in the tradition of blogs here is what I did and what I thought of it.

I saw The Kills in Nottingham at the Rescue Room last night. They were good. VV is super hot. Check out how hot she is at;


Anonymous said...

Cope a feel?

Anonymous said...

you're talking about my ex yer thieving bastard!