Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Should you tell your mate that his girlfriends all wrong for him?

A particularly thorny issue this one as it involves potentially the loss of a friend, especially if the comment is not welcome - which lets face it, it won't be.

So as I see it there are two major questions you need to address from the outset;

1. Should you actually say anything at all?
2. If you decided to say it, how should you do it?

Note: Obviously this is seen entirely from the guy/mate dynamic. Frankly in my experience women seem to have much less trouble telling their friends that their choice in main squeeze is pitiful. Which would certainly account for the fact that I've never had a girlfriend who's friends liked me or tolerated me, or even could bear to hear my name without instantly throwing up a bloodied lung sack.

1. Should you actually say anything at all?

Remember the old saying that goes 'once the cat is out of the bag it can shit just about anywhere' - which is why it's best to clobber the scratty fur ball with a brick before you ditch it in the canal.

You must consider long and hard if its worth saying anything, and then only if the following applies;

a) Your mate is about to get engaged to his girlfriend.
b) Your mate has been recently hospitalised because of his girlfriend.

c) Your mates girlfriend took an overdose the first time they argued (which as it happens was over whether to rent either Notting Hill or Amores Perros - she wanted Notting Hill of course - in which case maybe he should have waited a bit longer before calling her an ambulance.)
d) Your mates girlfriend has made a pass at you, at one of your other mates, at some homeless guy, at some homeless guys mangy mongrel called Bartok the Third.
e) Your mate no longer pays you the appropriate amount of attention that you deserve.
f) Your mate is dating way below his potential (e.g his girlfriend is ugly/ thick/ loud in public/ fat/ poor/ doesn't put out enough/ likes Brad Pitt over Johnny Depp)
g) Your mates girlfriend tried to harm/ kill a member of your mates family with an iron or kettle.

h) You secretly fancy your mates girlfriend, want them to break up which will hopefully drive him to suicide, allowing you to hit on her at the funeral.

If any or all (you poor bastard) situations are in progress I suggest you immediately move onto Part 2. If none of these are in progress then I suggest you take yourself to one side and have a word with yourself - go on, ask yourself this question;

"Is the truth of the matter that she is in fact, fine. And that it's me that's got the problem here? I am the cunt?".

N'ah, it's probably her yeah? after all, you rule dude!

2. If you decided to say it, how should you do it?

Firstly you have to pick the right moment - ideally this not during the Monday morning company meeting, round the Sunday dinner table with both his and her families present, at the stag do, during your wedding reception best man speech or via an anonymous letter wrapped round a brick you threw through his lounge window after a Saturday night out on the beers - with him watching.

You need to go to a safe public place like the local boozer, over a warm pint of draft bitter (I'd suggest 'Old Monkey Blood' or 'A Hung Pensioner', you may prefer 'Squeezed Aborted Foetus Ale' or 'The Curiosity of an Unexpectedly Home Early Husband' - I believe that's a micro brewery out of Pershore) and explain calmly that despite the fact you are probably about to ruin his entire life that you are doing it because you love him - not in a gay way of course (well unless of course it is in a gay way, which is perfectly acceptable but then you should be reading my other blog - How to tell your bezzie mate he's got a nice bum).

So here goes... take a final gulp of beer, drag from a fag (American Translation: Cigarette), maybe wink at the barmaid for good luck and dive in.

How you should say it;

"Dave, you know you and I have been friends since we were both in short trousers. We've been through a lot together, my father dying, your mother running off with her pilates teacher, my sisters problems with drugs which led to her prostituting herself in that Pop Idol contest on ITV, becoming the girl that wet herself singing an ill advised rendition of Mandy and your dad becoming Siobham. In a lot of ways I'm closer to you than I am to my own bother, that is if I actually had a brother. You know you're the only guy I can piss standing next to in the urinal, the only one Dave, the only one. So what I have to tell you now hurts me terribly to do so, like the pain we both felt coming out of the Phantom Menace. Look mate, I'm terrified that you will take it as anything other than what it is, which is a reflection of how much I care for you, your well being and your future. But the fact is this, I feel very strongly that Maureen is not right for you, and I wanted you to hear that from someone who cares for you a great deal."

How you should not say it;

"Davey boy, everyone's laughing at you behind your back because you're to pig thick to see that Mo, the fat ugly cow that she is has tricked you into marry her. Even your mum thinks she's a cunt and so does your mums girlfriend and Siobham. So for fucks sake wake up and dump the whore - look here's a nice warm pint of 'Nocturnal Emission' I promise you if you drink enough of these you'll soon be so numbed to the world you just won't care anymore - that's the healing properties of booze for you son".

And if that doesn't work you can always just get a new mate. There you go, another problem licked.


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