Saturday, February 26, 2005

Queen Mother is 134 today!

radiant queen mother
A 'radiant' Queen Mother today at 134.

After two weeks of rumours, speculation and denials the Royals must have sighed with relief that today’s media attention on their family was for a vastly more positive reason, for it was on this day in 1871 that mother to the Queen, The Queen Mother was born.

Although a Thursday child, the Queen Mother has achieved a great many things in her life, in particular giving birth to the future Queen of England and smiling freely in public, despite being afflicted at a very young age with rotten teeth, or as it is more commonly known, the ‘Scottish grin’.

At the astonishing age of 134, the Queen Mother is still extremely ‘flexible’, as a source close to the Windsor family put it earlier today.

In fact despite her age, the Queen Mother is still expected to ride the eight-year old, ‘Uber Alles’ owned by close personal friend Alex ‘Frank Ferdinand’ Kapranos, at next weeks Cheltenham’s Gold Cup.

However, the Queen Mothers age has become a cause of controversy over the last few years, particularly with the rise of the ‘Blogging’ community. Amongst the wildest claims the Blogger’s make, is that The Queen Mother actually died in 1981 during the Royal Gala Performance of the multi-Oscar award winning film ‘Chariots of Fire’ directed by Ken Loach.

chariots of fire
Chariots, a 'tedious' film by Ken Loach

The theory goes on to suggest that the current Queen Mother is in fact a fully automated robot double or android, very much like those caught impersonating senior politicians during the Delos scandal in 1976.

Dr Montgomery Lexington-Smith, personal physician to the Queen Mother puts her durability down to more mundane factors. Speaking on Saturday’s edition of Radio 1’s ‘Question Time’, Lexington-Smith was asked by a member of the Wormwood Scrubs audience to explain the miraculous longevity of the Queen Mother;

Lexington Smith said, “It is simply the result of a combination of her genetic stock, which is frankly, excellent and the fact that she has never had to lift a single finger for herself her whole damn life.”

He went on to say that he saw no reason why she wouldn’t go on to celebrate her second centennial, “That is of course”, he added, “unless she dies in the meantime”.

All day tributes have been flooding into Windsor Castle, The Queen Mothers home since she was ‘booted out of Buckingham Palace’ as she herself so often puts it.

Amongst the many tributes was that of Edith Bowman, who at 103 is currently the oldest work class person in Briton. Bowman has particularly fond memories of The Queen Mother during the dark days of the Second World War.


Bowman at 103 remebers Queen Mother

“At the time I remember thinking how fabulous she was because she was here, amongst the death and destruction, visiting us in our bombed out homes. It gave us a lot of comfort to know the Royal family were suffering through just like us” Bowman said before adding, “but then again, it wasn’t like the bitch actually got within ten feet of a Krout doodlebug, not like most of the poor buggers in London”.

She goes on to explain that once the sirens started the Queen Mother and her “worthless retarded blood sucking brood”, as Bowman puts it, “were down those tunnels in Buck house faster than a dachshund down a badger hole.”

Donald Gunterson, a former Butler to the Queen Mother between 1948 and 1951, described her as being an exceptionally compassionate person, remarking “she certainly thrashed me far less than her psycho husband,” adding, “I was pleased when the bastard died in ‘52”.

Unfortunately, the happy occasion has been marred slightly by Prince Harry’s comments made by during a British National Party ‘town hall’ style meeting, held today in Guildford, Surrey.

The off-the-cuff comments were captured on a microphone which Prince Harry, or as the Sun Newspaper has recently dubbed him, The Black-Shirt Prince, thought was switched off.

queen mum and vader
Darth Vader and The Queen Mother

During a conversation with the BNP leader and popular TV Presenter Dermot O’Leary, about the Queen Mother, Prince Harry can clearly be heard to remark, “The old cow just won’t die” adding “she’s more machine now than human, twisted and evil”, in a witty reference to Darth Vader, the villain of the 1970’s children’s fantasy feature film, Star Wars.

As has been well reported, there is a long running feud between the young Princes and the Queen Mother, their Great Grand Mother.

The hostility is said to stem back to a public remark made on the day of Princess Diana’s funeral by the Queen Mother. When asked by the BBC Royal correspondent Iain Lee, if the Royal family were at all surprised by the public outpouring of affection for the late Princess, the Queen Mother replied, “frankly we’re well shot of her”.

Despite this, the Queen Mother will be celebrating her birthday this evening in traditional style. Prince Philip explained what this involved during an interview on today's Channel 4’s Richard and Judy show;

“We all meet up at the Castle and have a hog roast, a knees up and a bit of sing song”.

queen mums arm
Queen mothers new arm

The public will next get an opportunity to see the Queen Mother 'in action', when she visits Moorgate Hospital in early March to have a minor operation to graft a second ‘bionic’ arm on to her existing upper body exoskeleton.

1 comment:

Sniffy said...

I like this blog, it provides a really useful digest of current affairs.

I don't know where I'd be without it.