Monday, February 21, 2005

Singer Robbie Williams Dies at 31

Williams in 2002, already looking 'well rough'

BREAKING NEWS: It was revealed today that Singer Robbie Williams, best known as the fat, lazy, self obsessed dog, Dougal in the 2005 film ‘The Magic Roundabout’, died on Sunday morning at his home in Stoke on Trent,

Williams was just 31.

The singer is reported to have died as a result of a botched ‘fake suicide’ attempt.

It appears Williams, who has bravely faced an ongoing battle with depression caused by 'not being as famous as he was a few years ago', attempted to stage a ‘fake suicide' to regain the ‘big light of lovely fame’, as Williams himself often described it.

Williams’s body was found hunched over a bottle of ‘Dettol’ and a half finished ‘Ginsters’ pasty, on the bathroom floor of his Stoke on Trent flat, located above ‘The Great Plaice’ fish bar. His secret Taiwanese mail order bride, Maurice discovered the expired Williams in the early houses of Sunday morning.

Police have denied claims that Williams is in fact the ninth victim of notorious celebrity serial killer dubbed, ‘Cause Celeb’ by London’s tabloid newspapers.

Recent suicides ascribed to ‘Cause Celeb’, include ‘Shock’ radio DJ Chris Moyles, popular children’s book writer JK Rowling, satirist Chris Morris and Big Brother winner Brian Dowling.

Williams was only nine years old when he was plucked from the malls of ‘The Potteries Shopping Centre’, in Hanley, Staffs, to become more commonly known as the ‘funny one’ in chart topping UK boy band ‘Take That’.

Two short years later, he would be skyrocketed to fame with the help of three very successful cover songs.

Poptastic duo - Agapoo, inspire Williams

The punk rock classic ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’, originally recorded by San Francisco bay area’s, Dead Kennedys. ‘Agadoo’, the smash hit party song by Black Lace.

And the third, which cemented the band reputation as the finest all male, singing group of the century, a sterling rendition of ‘The Smiths’ lesser-known B-Side ‘How Soon is Now’.

‘How Soon is Now’, featured the unforgettable sound of Williams’ own voice replacing the ‘woo, woo’ guitar intro originally created by musician Johnny Marr.

As recently as last month, Johnny Marr, who was presenting an award at the 2005 Winalot New Music Awards, for the best UK indie haircut (won by Bloc Party bassist Owen Lars) had this to say of the now legendary cover;

“First time I heard it I felt like smashing my instruments to pieces. William had a voice which was just that much better than anything I could ever hope to produce with wood and strings and that”

In fact many have speculated that ‘The Smiths’, enigmatic lead singer Morrissey’s self imposed exile to Latvia in 2001 may have been the direct result of Take That’s phenomenal cover.

However, despite this success with Take That, Williams soon tired of carrying his fellow band mates; Michael Flatley, Ryan Adams, John Mccririck and fellow song writer Conor ‘Bright Eyes’ Oberst, who himself launched a faltering solo career with the album ‘Manic Miner on a Wednesday’ earlier this year.

Williams finally quit Take That during the now notorious 1999 tour of South Africa.

Darth Vader asks Williams to 'smell the glove'

After seemingly disappearing from the pop scene for almost a year, Williams burst back into the charts with a new ‘extreme look’ comprising leather, stainless steel and a breathing system similar to that used by the villain ‘Darth Vader’ in the popular seventies children’s fantasy movie ‘Star Wars’.

“We all took one big deep breath when saw Robbie take to the stage for his first solo appearance at the Millennium Crufts show, in Battersea”, David Bowie, one time ‘revolutionary singer’, told AC Press.

“But as soon as he opened his gob, we knew that we were watching history taking place” Remarked Bowie, “and the future of history”.

Gavin Esler, news reader for the BBC’s flagship news show, ‘Newsnight’ and renowned ‘bezzie mate’ to Williams told AC Press this morning;

“The only mistake Williams ever made was agreeing to that duet with Michael Jackson. Especially during the height of Jackson’s high profile legal battle to have the right to wrestle pre-teens in his underpants”,

Esler went on to say that Jackson’s choice of song, a cover of the Luther Vandross hit ‘Let’s make love tonight’ was disastrously inappropriate.

Although critically well received, the duet was less warmly welcomed by the tabloids in the UK which claimed; “We made him, we can break him” and his loyal fan base affectionately known as ‘The Jail Bait”.

Tiny Tears, definately 'jail bait'

It was a mistake that would see Williams lambasted in the press as ‘Jackson’s stoke and poke boy’ and bottled off stage at the 2003 V: Festival in his home town of Stoke on Trent, where he received a severe concussion after being struck on the left temple by a ‘Tiny Tears’ missile, complete with battery and bottle.

2005 was to have marked a triumphant return to form for Williams who had slimmed down from 25 stone to 9 stone 7 ounces through the new celebrity crash diet of self imposed month long dysentery.

Dysentery is a disease involving the inflammation of the lining of the large intestines. The inflammation causes stomach pains and diarrhoea but also has the added benefit that it can cause rapid and extreme weight lose.

“He may have died relatively young but the truth is his best years were behind him," Former band mate Mccririck told AC Press, “It’s a painful truth, but it’s the truth none the less”.

Roundabout: Drug fuelled kiddie nightmare?

Ironically, Williams was named today as one of the five ‘best actor award’ contenders at the Oscars this year for his work in ‘The Magic Roundabout’.

Williams is survived by his son Ping Pong and two hamsters, Lucky and Loaded.


Ben said...

Hey Angry,

I like your blog, it's pretty good... way better than most.

edwaado said...

...unlike mine.

I'll forward this to the Daily Mail, I reckon it'll take them a week before they twig.

surly girl said...


Sniffy said...

saucer of milk eh surly?