Saturday, February 19, 2005

Dating 'ugly' - An Insiders Guide

ugly vs.

It's all about level jumping right?

Be honest, each new partner you get has to have attributes which are slight improvements over your previous beau, right? Otherwise what's the point?

These improvements may include the following, conveniently placed in order of importance for your feeble Guardian reading brain;

No 1. Looks

Dating an uglier person is fine until you bump into the ex and they appear now to be dating Johnny Depp/ Angelina Jolie.

No 2. Build

Fats bad right? Seriously it is though... we all want women that are stick thin and stunning, right?

You can't resist. No man can, unless of course we are talking about the kind of man who says he likes his women with a bit of meat on them.

Let me fill you in here ladies, any man who says this is a lying asshole.

Guys who say they like their women with a bit meat on them actually mean;

"I'm so pig ugly and supporting a personality with slightly more flaws than Dr Josef Mengele all I can get is a fatty bom-boms".

Not that I'm a body fascist you understand, I read the Beauty Myth, I know what's what. I just hate our culture and its duplicity. On one hand perpetuating the thin is beautiful ethic all the while criticising any woman who can get into a size 10 without a ton of KY jelly as being 'dangerously thin'.

Millions starve to death each year and we have a go because Kate Moss doesn't force an antelope down her divine throat every night just because she can.

Besides which she's naturally thin, that's her body type. You're a barrel, with a bloaty poke marked face - see that's just what you are. So just cool it on the anti-thin remarks okay?

I'm certain that women don't want fat men - imagine that, some lard bomb going at it on top of you, pumping away as hard and as fast as they can like some jack hammer in a porn flick, with rolls of fat smacking you in the face with each thrust, drenching you in his rancid sweat... hmm sexy beast.

No. 3 Dosh/ Dough/ Moula/ Readies/ Wonger/ Cash

I pull up in my knackered old 2nd hand Cortina Mk II or smooth dude Davie Boy arrives in his series 50 laser guided Merc. Which is more impressive?

Tough choice huh?

Yeah I know the Cortina is a beautiful piece of retro elegance so...

How about this then;

A whirlwind tour of Paris by night, a show and then settling down for a romantic meal for two by candle light in the so-hard to book in advance it's untrue, 'Le Domaine De Lintillac' on rue Saint Augustin...


Two for one meal at McD's in Swindon town before a night cap in the local Weatherspoons which as it happens has a promotion on Aftershock until eleven, so drink up yeah?

Difficult choice n'est-ce pas?

No. 4 Intelligence

I admit it, I'm pig thick. In fact I'm so pig thick that i spend time writing this blog when I know for a fact no one is reading it. Does that matter? Yeah I reckon it does.

Everyone wants someone who is intelligent right? Well at least as intelligent as they are anyway...

..or maybe very slightly less...

...or more depending on the fragility of your ego. Hold up I'm totally confused...

Start again... now for example;

Example: Couple A

He's a doctor, she's a checkout girl - nothing inherently wrong here but at home the conversation runs like this;

Her: They say Brad was cheating on her with Angelina

Him: And these are people you work with yes?

Conclusion - Never gonna last!

Example: Couple B

He's a brick layer, she's a lawyer.

Him: So this building we built fell down and killed everybody.

Her: No worries honey, we can claim the architect has liability.

Him: Sweet, now let me hump you with my very muscled and toned body.

Conclusion - Who the hell knows?

ugly vs 2.

Look at it another way...

How about...

...and I'm going for broke here... about actually dating someone who is worse than all your previous ex's?

Now I'm not talking about the superficial stuff y'know - like brains, character, access to trust funds. I'm talking about the really important stuff - what their mug looks like.

There are HUGE benefits to dating 'ugly'. And here they are in an 'easy to print - cut out and keep in your wallet for reference' form.

Uno: An 'ugly' will always be utterly thankful that they have you. And never ever cheat on you.

Only draw back here is that if they do cheat on you, you will need to immediately kill yourself - Can't have people thinking you weren't good enough for the ugly now can you? No one can live with that level of shame.

Dos: An 'ugly' will always make an effort to look as good as possible in a pathetic attempt to ensure they keep you now that they finally have someone.

The fact that it may be like applying a sticking plaster to a gunshot wound is not the point. The point is at least they try...

Can't really say that about the last one now can you?

Tres: An 'ugly' will always be totally subservient to even your most base desires - just to keep you happy. So time to get out the inflatable armoire and lime green jelly.

Cuatro: Your friends and family will never again make a derogatory comment about your choice of partner as they will wrongly assume that it is love this time.

This is purely on the basis that if you are willing to be seen with this minger it must be love.

Cinco: 'Good lookers' will find you more intriguing and attractive because they will also wrongly assume that you are much deeper than you actually are.

After all, you appear to be one of those rare sorts that can look beyond the aesthetic. And if this is true then perhaps you are the one that can finally see the 'good lookers' inner beauty and not just focus on their outer beauty.

Either way - score.

Seis: You will never again have to pretend not to be looking at 'good lookers'.

The 'ugly' will just assume you are - after all you'd never be satisfied looking at someone with a face like a raped asshole now would you?

Seite: Can't exactly remember what seven was, but I think it was something to do with the Pub and buying you drinks.

Ocho: A really bad 'ugly' will pretty much stay the same over time.

In fact as they age there is a slim possibility that the 'ugly' may get less severe looking (although be aware it's unlikely they will ever be regarded as 'okay' looking).

A 'good looker' on the other hand only ever faces down hill.

Nueve: You will never have to fear others hitting on your 'ugly'.

Unless that is your 'ugly' unfortunately wanders into the sights of a game of 'bag an ugly' or 'win your ugly wings' - that sort of thing.

Imagine being able to say;

"Of course you can go out with your mates, in fact stay out as long as you like".

And actually mean it.

Diez: If you are ever dumb enough to break up with your 'ugly' it will be quite painless.

The 'ugly' will always be expecting it to happen anyway, and assume it is their fault - due to them looking like John Merricks less attractive sibling.

So no big shock when you do it. Just go easy now... no need to rub salt in. Try to avoid saying;

"I did it for a bet anyway"


"I was sick of all that milk curdling"

Hopefully over the above 10 pints I have convinced you of the benefits associated with dating 'ugly'.

In fact I hope that this catches on so I can finally get myself a really good looking girlfriend.

But only if she's also into dating 'ugly' of course!!

winona vs.
Winona: If only you would date 'ugly'.

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