Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Tennis player Henman dies during Wimbledon battle

Henman: taking a last gulp

BREAKING NEWS: It has been officially announced this morning that tennis player, and self-styled ‘attack of the clenched fist’ Tim Henman, died suddenly yesterday evening during a first round match at Wimbledon.

It is believed that he died of an allergic reaction to Robinson’s Barley Water.

Henman was 41.

Henman has been Britain’s No.1 tennis player for almost two decades. He followed in the footsteps of John Lloyd in being the UK’s great white male hope each year during the Wimbledon Tennis tournament, That is until the 2nd week when reality takes over and they are thrashed by a proper tennis player.

This did not deter the ‘Henmaniacs’ or ‘sad pathetic tossers’ who religiously held onto the belief that one-day Henman would raise the Wimbledon trophy above his head. For these deluded housewives and teenage private school ‘Charlottes’, Henman represented the very best of being British –being an arrogant stuck up little toffee nosed white boy with an ego that easily out stripped his talent and an inability to perform on the day.

Tiger Tim as the UK press often referred to him, along with ‘Loser Tim’, ‘Yeah right, Tim’ and ‘Tim, are you really the best we can do?’ never gave up hope that he would one day win Wimbledon, even though the majority of the country did many years ago.

As he told Angry Chimp news just yesterday morning;

“Yeah, I really think I might be able to do it this time. It would be nice to win, I reckon”.

Henman had made a nervous start to this year’s tournament, struggling in this first set against the unseeded and paraplegic Latvian amateur, Stooge.

It was only after the Henman’s game dramatically improved in the second set that officials became concerned for Henman’s health, resulting in the game being stopped and Henman being treated by medics on the court.

Sadly, a combination of an allergic reaction to Robinson’s Barley Water and a bruised fist caused by repeated air punching, proved too much for Henman’s less than tiger-like constitution and he passed away shortly before light stopped play.

Ironically, bookmakers William Hill have suggested that the odds for Henman to win Wimbledon have now increased slightly with the players demise.

Henman will leave a chequered legacy, particularly his controversial views on his fellow tennis players, in particular female players and players of colour.

“It’s not that I don’t think woman should play” Said Henman during the now notorious 1998 interview with Radio Times, “I just don’t see how anyone can find dyke tennis interesting” he said, before adding, “And as for letting coloureds play, well, I think that may be a step too far”.

LTA eventually banned Henmans 1st sponsor in 1999

Such opinions, many have claimed, are purely the result of the UK Lawn Tennis Associations predilection for pushing only players that are ‘minted chinless one-day wonders’.

Whether or not a UK player will ever again become a champion at Wimbledon is debateable but as one spectator was overheard to remark during Henman’s fight for his life yesterday evening,

“This is the first time I’ve sat and watched Tim on centre court and been worried that he might actually win”.


Spirit Of Owl said...

Oh thank god for that.

The Antagonist said...

Ignoring the general aversion to the words, "I told you so", there aren't many surprises left where Mr H. and Wimbledon are concerned.

Convict said...

Tina's going to love that one

portuguesa nova said...

Knowing absolutely nothing about: 1. sports, 2. tennis, 3. athletes, 4. British athletes, I read that story aloud to my Portuguese husband who was positively devastated...until he turned to ESPN and saw that this guy had won something.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Knowing absolutely nothing about: 1. sports, 2. tennis, 3. athletes, 4. British athletes

I read thiss and laughed my rather sizable ass off. Funny stuff! Thanks for the insight

Sniffy said...

CUMMONNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Clench that fist, Timmy. Show us how much you REALLY want it.

Fucking useless, bad-toothed, bad-haired, stuck-up tosser. All we need to do is douse those fucks on Henman Hill with petrol and light a match.