Friday, June 03, 2005

Princess Diana is still dead - say Royals

Di still dead
Thank fuck for that.

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not.”

Hawkings-Long continued, “Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.


Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign.

Don't die of thirst
Hmm, feel like a drink right about BLAMMM!!!

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently lynched by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed humanitarians, following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (68) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.


“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of the brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as 'The Half Blood Prince'.

Harry and father report
Ugly thick fuckers, father and son.

Due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told Angry Chimp, "and it would certainly not surprise me if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of 'coloured in her', he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton, the announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

Charles and Bride
They make a beautiful couple.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales, she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.


23 comments:

Sniffy said...

Fuck, could you imagine Mick Hucknall sporning anything? Ugly fucking pig. He's so scary to look at - he's so obviously been botoxed and his forehead doesn't move.

The best story is of how he lost his dreads when they had to be cut off after Martine McCutcheon threw up in his hair when drunk.

Priceless.

Don't die of thirst. Even better.

Where the fuck is everyone today?

Herge Smith said...

Dunno, it's quiet out there...

too quiet.

That Hucknall dread story is great.

Sniffy said...

I love that story.

I think all the girls are in Canada. We've been deserted.

Kenny said...

There, there Herge. It's hard to comment on utter genius without sounding like a twat, hence I didn't comment for fear of said possibility.

Andy has failed!

Herge Smith said...

Thanks for that Andy. The Chimp needed some positive stroking.

Sniffy said...

I'll give your chimp a stroke Herge!

Herge Smith said...

phnarr.

actually, y'know tim worstalls britblog round up will be tomorrow....

ahem...

Sniffy said...

Ahem? You want us to spank your monkey in a live blogcast?

Herge Smith said...

You know what I mean.

I'm a hit whore, I need the hits man.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Herge the blog whore, he'll do anything for a hit

Lisa from Alaska said...

Herge, don't you think it's better to be truly loved by a handful of people the be superficially adored by the masses?

Or are you simply a size over substance type of man?

Herge Smith said...

You know it lisa - hey lisa, get over to cakesniffers, we've got a question for you.

Herge Smith said...

It's a fair question lisa.

Dunno. I do like our little community. It'll grow of it's own accord I guess.

So, what'd you think of our Princess Di?

Sniffy said...

I'll hit you.

Herge Smith said...

best not, I bruise easy.

Sniffy said...

Wimp

Lisa from Alaska said...

Who were you asking, me or Tina?

Herge Smith said...

About princess di? I was asking lisa the american.

I'm interested in your opinion on her.

Lisa from Alaska said...

Well, everyone in the US thinks she's a Saint, no joke. We love a great tragic love story with a little wealth and dysfunction thrown in for interest. One of my co-workers actually cried, CRIED, wept heart-wrenching tears of sorrow when it was annouce that Charles was marrying Camilla. She said, and I quote, "Thosed awful horrible people! The took a beautiful life and soul and just crushed it! They deserve to burn in hell and I hope that they live long enough to get all of the misery that they deserve and then some."

I don't really know how I feel about her. Like all little girls in the US, I automatically wanted to be her because she was a princess and she seemed to be everyting a princess is supposed to be... kind, gentle, beautiful. As an adult, I appreciate her humanitarian efforts, but in real life, I don't really think of her all that much.

I do love that Prince Harry, though. I'm sorry, but wearing a Nazi uniform to a costume party, that was some funny shit! Too bad no one else thought so.

Sniffy said...

I thought harry in the Nazi uniform was funny. People need to lighten up.

Herge Smith said...

He'd have looked funnier in a Nazi Concentration Camp.

Sniffy said...

Oh yeah, that's so true - shaved head and stripy PJs.

Nobody Special said...

Sounds like one of your librarian mates!