Thank fuck for that.
BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.
The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.
“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not.”
Hawkings-Long continued, “Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”
After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.
Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.
Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.
Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.
Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign.
Hmm, feel like a drink right about BLAMMM!!!
The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently lynched by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed humanitarians, following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.
To this day no one has been charged with their murders.
Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (68) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.
“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of the brothers, Andrew and the other one”.
However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.
As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as 'The Half Blood Prince'.
Ugly thick fuckers, father and son.
Due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle.
“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told Angry Chimp, "and it would certainly not surprise me if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.
Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of 'coloured in her', he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.
Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton, the announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.
They make a beautiful couple.
19 comments:
Fuck, could you imagine Mick Hucknall sporning anything? Ugly fucking pig. He's so scary to look at - he's so obviously been botoxed and his forehead doesn't move.
The best story is of how he lost his dreads when they had to be cut off after Martine McCutcheon threw up in his hair when drunk.
Priceless.
Don't die of thirst. Even better.
Where the fuck is everyone today?
Dunno, it's quiet out there...
too quiet.
That Hucknall dread story is great.
I love that story.
I think all the girls are in Canada. We've been deserted.
There, there Herge. It's hard to comment on utter genius without sounding like a twat, hence I didn't comment for fear of said possibility.
Andy has failed!
Thanks for that Andy. The Chimp needed some positive stroking.
I'll give your chimp a stroke Herge!
phnarr.
actually, y'know tim worstalls britblog round up will be tomorrow....
ahem...
Ahem? You want us to spank your monkey in a live blogcast?
You know what I mean.
I'm a hit whore, I need the hits man.
You know it lisa - hey lisa, get over to cakesniffers, we've got a question for you.
It's a fair question lisa.
Dunno. I do like our little community. It'll grow of it's own accord I guess.
So, what'd you think of our Princess Di?
I'll hit you.
best not, I bruise easy.
Wimp
About princess di? I was asking lisa the american.
I'm interested in your opinion on her.
I thought harry in the Nazi uniform was funny. People need to lighten up.
He'd have looked funnier in a Nazi Concentration Camp.
Oh yeah, that's so true - shaved head and stripy PJs.
Sounds like one of your librarian mates!
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