Monday, June 27, 2005

Countdown Vorderman dies at 63 - for Whiteley...

Richard, a proper TV presenter.

Herge Smith here, with the sad news that Countdown presenter, and general 'harmless old fool' Richard Whiteley has died, aged 61.

Whiteley was very much part of the British culture of trash TV watching. Countdown being, along with Supermarket Sweep, Neighbours and now all those shows about antiques, much beloved by the sick, the unemployed, the old and Students.

Whiteley was one of the first faces we ever saw on Channel 4 in 1982 when we went from a pathetic three TV channels to a magnificent, and modern four channels.

Whiteley died of pneumonia, which I think he would have been pleased with, as it was a nine-letter word (sorry Andy, couldn't resist using it again.)

I think I've probably used Whiteley in a spite- fueled blog in the past, but I think it's this particular classic that is most inappropriate today.

So here it is, reprinted in all it's glory - and in it's original font. (For our foreign friends, Vorderman is the co-presenter on the show Whitley hosted).

Vorderman at last years 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit

TV Presenter Carol Vorderman, best known as the 'thinking man's crumpet', died late last night in Caterham General Hospital, it was announced today.

Vorderman was 63.

The 'brainy' presenter died of stephacockaliticus, a virulent viral condition that affects both the gum and the brain. Dr Heinrich Dietz, speaking this morning at a press conference held at Caterham Hospital, suggested that it was likely Vorderman contracted the condition whilst appearing on ITV's 'Celebrity Jungle Hunt' programme.

Celebrity Jungle Hunt is an extreme reality television game show which features 'washed up' or 'has been' ex-celebrities, performing a number of hazardous and life threatening tasks in the depths of the Australian Outback.

On Tuesday, Vorderman retired early from the show after complaining of persistent neuralgia. She soon became violent ill, forcing the shows production company, Lowlife, to fly her back to the UK for immediate medical treatment.

Vorderman subsequently lapsed into a coma on Wednesday evening, from which she unfortunately never recovered.

Vorderman began her TV career as the, 'words and number girl' for Channel 4's long running 'super dull' quiz programme, Countdown. Her innate ability to string a coherent sentence together, and lean forward enough, whilst selecting letters, to reveal her ample cleavage, lent Vorderman a degree of notoriety.

Vorderman gets stuck, again

She soon became a household name following her high profile romance with US 'rock-hunk' Lenny Kravitz. Their relationship lasted 4 years only ending when Kravitz was eventually deported back to the United States, for music related crimes.

In 1999, when she was already 56, Vorderman was on the verge of being signed to present the smash hit reality TV show, "Big Brother".

However, she became dogged by press allegations that she had appeared in a number of 'inter-species' pornographic features, including the now notorious 'Charlotte's Web' and 'Tumbledown farm'.

Although Vorderman never publicly denied her involvement in the features, she did attempt to justify it by claiming the films had ‘eductional’ value.

In light of the allegations made against Vorderman, Channel 4 decided they needed a more 'respectable' public face for their Big Brother show, which lead them to hire ex-heroin addict, Davina FuCall.

Vorderman's TV career never fully recovered from this public rejection and she soon lapsed into alcoholism and heavy drug use.

Vorderman 'smacked up' on Countdown

It was whilst in a rehabilitation clinic on the Isle of Dogs, that she met David Lean, producer of Celebrity Jungle Hunt.

Lean was so impressed by Vordermans obvious desperation to regain the spotlight, that he immediately signed her for the second series of the controversial gameshow.

Interviewed recently about her involvement in Celebrity Jungle Hunt, Vorderman remarked;

"I see this as an entirely new chapter in my life. I am for the first time in years, excited about the future. It's like being reborn", she said.

Voderman is survived by 4 consonants from the top and middle row, and a vowel.


Kenny said...

You leave Carol alone you spiteful young whipper-snapper. She's lovely even though her taste in haircuts and clothes leaves a great deal to be desired.

Herge Smith said...

I'm sorry andy, you're just going to have to face the fact that you will never know the love of the Vorderman.

Apparently she's a dirty little slut as well...

edwaado said...

I can't belive you spelt his name wrong - all that search traffic gonna be missing you.

Herge Smith said...

Good call edwaado - thanks for getting my back man.

Now corrected – I was obviously writing the blog in floods of tears, hence the error.

And btw, as always your criticism of my spelling, which is entirely fair is always elevated to hilarity by your own spelling errors;

Do you not mean,

"I can't beliEve ??"

Kenny said...

Damn Herge - does that mean my three in a bed romp with Carol and Susie is off then?

Herge Smith said...

Off? Carol says it was never on.

Crystal said...

" 'Mullet Aid' Charity Benefit"


There's nothing worse than a mullet

Sniffy said...

Who gives you the hots most? Carol Vorderman, Carole Smilie, Anne Robinson, Ann Widdecombe....

or Nigella Lawson?

I'm hoping that Nigella never gets one of your obituaries, but I'd also love to see it.

Big shame about bad-jacket Whiteley (Whitely?), he was a good-un.

Kenny said...

Vorderman gets my vote every time.

Herge Smith said...

Nigella, oh baby give me some chocolate pudding... hmmm.

Andy, seriously? You'd choose Vorderman over Lawson and Smilie?

That's insane man, insane.

Kenny said...

Lawson definitely would not work - I'd have visions of her obsequious father. Shudder.

I had to google Smilie. Not my type at all.

I may be insane, who knows?

Anonymous said...

I'll give you chocolate pudding any time you want it Herge baby.

Tina - Ann Widdecombe????????

Edwaaaaaaaadooooo - give the grammatically challenged Chimp a rest!

Snow White

Kenny said...

Damn Herge I'm intrigued.

An anonymous commenter offering you an IP look up and then "out" them publically. You know it's the only decent course of action for a true gentleman to do.

BTW, I have just noticed that most of my comments here start with Damn Herge - I wonder why that might be?

Herge Smith said...

Hmmm Chocolate pudding... yummy...

I need to post a great receipe for that soon.

Yeah edwaado give a bad speller a break.

Cheers Snow.

Andy - I would never 'out' an lady. As for the 'Damn Herge' - believe me, I usually get addressed in a much harsher fashion (typically by mummy smith)

Anonymous said...

I am known to Herge, so 'outing' not required. BTW, he is a true gentleman. And a genious.

Snow White

Anonymous said...

The chocolate recipe is top secret!

Shit! Should have been genius not genious. I've handed one to edwaado on a platter....


Herge Smith said...

Plus you may have given it away that we met in a support group for piss poor spellers.

Kenny said...

I must confess, I rate Claudia Harrison as Britain's toppest totty at the moment. Just thought I'd mention before Herge becomes utterly convinced that I'm insane.

Out 'em. Snow White sounds intriguing, unless it's edwaado.

Herge Smith said...

Dunno who Claudia Harrison is so i'll do a quick image search on google...

As for Snow White - SHE is not edwaado, I an assure you.

edwaado said...


1. Snow white - definitely not me (why would I tell myself not to do something)

2. If he spells Whiteley wrong when people search on google his site wont come up, and we can't have that.

So there.

edwaado said...

Your all a bunch of cook sockers

Kenny said...

Herge -- Claudia. Swoon.

Herge Smith said...

Is she a journo? did you do a piece on her a while back?

She is very pleasing to the eye.

Kenny said...

Nah - she's an actress. She was in the first couple of series of Murphy's Law. But I did wantonly put up a picture of her a few weeks ago.

Sniffy said...

Lawson! I love Nigella.

Sniffy said...

How did we get from a Richard Whiteley obituary to me fancying posh birds?

Well, it's not that difficult with me actually.

An she can cook.


Anonymous said...

(Keith from Minneapolis)
All this talk about hot television females, and no one is talking about my burning issue:

How long until David Dickinson tips? And who gets his double-breasted jackets and plump ties?