Sunday, June 19, 2005

Dave answers your questions

Dave here.

Well, I must say I’m disappointed by the overall quality of the questions. The majority of you appear to have a rather childish pre-occupation with sex, whilst the rest of you are just sad.

Anyway, never let it be said that Dave doesn’t honour his obligations… so here goes.

I’ve arranged the questions by type, to make it easier for you all – I realise that your attention spans have been adversely affected by your addictions to soap operas and Pizza.

your mate dave on telly

BASIC QUESTIONS

Tina asks,

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be and why?

And she goes on to dull even further with her ‘Woman’s Realm’ style questioning, with;

Also if I could be cheeky: where would you definitely NOT want to live, and why?

Well, obviously I’m exactly where I want to be, both geographically and in my career. I’m a London man. Always will be – well, until I make my first million, then I’m going to move to Surrey, which is still reasonably exclusive, yet you can get to the capital when you need a fix.

Seriously, the rest of the country is so dead in comparison. I went to Manchester a couple of weeks ago; it was like stepping back in time to 2002. Worse still, it was full of Northerners. Honestly, that whole Stone Roses/ Oasis thing is so sad.

So where wouldn’t I want to live? anywhere else, of course.

Next question is from Lisa from Alaska (which is in America, in case you dunderheads didn’t know).

Lets say that you've just been awarded $100,000.00 to start a charity. Would you start one, or just give the money back. What kind of a charity would you start? What would be your charity's tagline?

I’m already involved with a number of charities, well you’ve got to give something back, especially if you have as much as me. If I had to start a charity, it would be called ‘Sound Aid’ and would help those kids with emerging musical talent, but not the funds to get decks or a guitar. There is nothing more important to our culture than music.

The tagline for Sound Aid would be – ‘Silence means death, music is the future’.

Andy from Wig-on, asks,

Dave-matey boy, what the fuck is that strap around your neck? I thought you left that with the lovely lady you nicked it from.

Are you still on for Saturday?

Stella or Scrumpy Jack?

Well, I don’t know you, so the chummy-ness is a little uncalled for. However to answer your question the strap is in fact for the carry case for my camera – I keep it with me, always, just in case I see something which ‘speaks to me’. It is important to me to keep a visual diary of my journey through life.

As for Saturday, I’m obviously DJing, and I doubt you’ve heard of the club it’s at – it’s quite exclusive, the mainstream hasn’t infected it and watered it down, yet.

Stella or Scrumpy Jack – are you serious?

Portuguesa Nova asked,

I'd be interested in knowing Dave's favourite restaurant and his views on abortion.

Well, I’m hardly about to tell you lot which my favourite restaurant is, you’d try to get a table, and I can assure you they’re booked up for months in advance, if like me you know the owner.

As for abortion, I am pro; in fact, I think for thick people it should be mandatory until we get the intelligent/ unintelligent balance back.

your mate dave on housewives

Trillion asked,

Do you have to go to a salon to have those eyebrows shaped or do you have a close mate give you a good plucking every now and then?

You’re so jealous it just oozes out of the question, really that is such an unattractive quality. It is all natural, obviously. And I’m choosing to ignore your weak double entendre

Rowan asked,

Hi Dave, what were you like in school? Obviously not the computer geek, nor the motorhead?

What do you think about the whole Michael Jackson acquittal?

I know you aren't available, but what's your type?

I was extremely popular in school. It was pathetic really that so many kids tried to copy me, especially the geeks… but it’s always the way… I guess if you had to put a label on it, and I do so hate labels, I was the cool kid.

Michael Jackson stopped being of the least bit interesting to me when that terrible record Thriller came out. I could care less who he fucks and how old they are.

My type? I don’t have a type, I don’t think of women like T-Shirts. As long as they are thin, beautiful and intelligent…

Rowan had another question,

ooooh Dave! One more question! What were you trying to say when the "interference" first appeared and messed up your quote of the day!?! I'm DYING to know

Well Rowan, as a public servant I was simply trying to say that we apologise for the interference and we will return to the scheduled peril of wisdom as soon as possible. Sadly, it now seems that I have been usurped by the adolescent fantasies of a geek with too much time on his hands. Ultimately it’s you, the people that will lose out.

your mate dave on hoodies

Faltanus from A semblance of sanity has two questions for this section,

First, don't take this one the wrong way, you have totally established your heterosexuality, and besides you are not my type, but I just have to know.... what’s your take on man-on-man action?

Well, as I’ve said before - and hopefully, is reprinted here, I have nothing against gays, I just don’t like it when they come on to me. I really don’t appreciate that at all.

Second, have you ever considered a run for political office? I think that would be a perfect place for you to dole out your vast wealth of wisdom.

Hardly, I’d need to have half my brain removed before I even considered getting involved in politics – I’m a principled guy, that immediately precludes me from running for political office.

April whose profile photo I kinda dig, asks,

Dave...I've got an easy question for you mate: How long does it take to build a dry stone wall?

April you offering to build it with me? We can take as long as you like, as long as you enjoy it, that’s all that matters.

Torque a Brit in Canada (which is like a snowball in hell),

Dave, would you rather have a head that is twice normal size or half normal size?

Twice, with a face as beautiful as mine, double the pleasure for the ladies I say.

Torque also asks,

Given the choice, would you rather be a woman with man's legs (assuming that you are not allowed to shave them) or a man with woman's arms?

I am in very good shape, but if I must answer the question then it would be a man with woman’s arms. As long as they were toned, shaved and tanned nicely.

Thordora asks,

Boxers or briefs Dave...and do you turn them inside out to "get an extra day"?

Well Boxers, when I bother at all, I usually go commando… as for an extra day… that’s disgusting.

Some questions from Crystalpistols,

I'd like to know why the sky is blue, why money does not grow on trees, and why Ewan McGregor has not realized that I am the love of his life.

I really don’t care to answer the first two questions, but as for the last question, well, if you are as hot in real life as you appear to be in your blog, I’m sure Mr McGregor would only have to meet you ro realise that you are the love of his life.

Ship Creak asks,

i'd like to ask you what the air-speed/velocity of an unladen swallow is, but i think that's been done before, sooooo....

Obviously, Ship Creak is one of those sad people that think Monty Python is still amusing. He probably walks around saying that no one expects a Spanish inquisition. Honestly, haven’t these studenty types realised that no one finds it funny?

Empire or Jedi?

This is to do with Star Wars isn’t it? Well as stated before, I really don’t care for any of them.

Rainypete asked another ‘geek’ orientated question,

Who would you rather have as the doorman to your flat? A Dalek or a Borg?

As I don’t actually know who or what Borg is (not the tennis player I assume) I’d have to choose the Dalek. But as it happens my doorman is called Carl, he’s from African descent, I believe.

Edwaado asks a series of questions which he clearly found on the internet in a vein attempt to sound vaguely intelligent,

If a first-order reaction A-->B with specific reaction rate 3.76 ( /min) takes place in an ideal continuous stirred-tank reactor, what volume is required to achieve a 75.0% reactant conversion at steady state if the throughput rate is 286 liters/s?

My answer is, why on Earth would I care?

your mate dave on names

His next lame question is,

I have always been taught that the universe is expanding. The proof of this is the 'red shift'. If this is the case, does that prove that the universe is finite, as an infinite can't expand as it needs somewhere to expand into?

I refer to the answer I gave to the previous question.

Is there a convincing philosophical rebuttal to solipsism - the theory that the self is all that you can know to exist? Or are you all figments of my imagination?

And if this question wasn’t bad enough it spawned some super geeky discussion between edwaado and faltanus. I’m just going to let them get on with it. Although what did make me chuckle was after someone mistakenly complimented edwaado he completely made a fool of himself with his response,

edwaado thinks: '...just as long as noone realises I just ripped this off notesandqueries then I'm hope free...'

Hope free edwaado? Is that anything like being HOME FREE. Actually, judging by edwaado’s questions he certainly is HOPE FREE.

Karentertainment asked a series of rude and offensive questions, she probably just fancies me and expresses it in this manner,

Dave: with your greasy hair and oily face, have you ever considered taking a shower?

I was perspiring in that photograph following a ‘session’ with a couple of models.

Do the sheep like you enough to put out for free, or do you have to pay them for the pleasure?

Hardly, and by sheep I assume you mean the type of woman that blog.

Do you have ANY friends, at all?

More than you, I bet.

Are you able to keep your jackass mouth shut for even a day?

Hmm, Karentertainment I don’t know what you mean by jackass mouth.

What would you look like as a Borg?

As wonderful as I look now, if I knew what a Borg was.

Another couple of questions from Tina on the same topic, which brings this section to close.

You have a gun with one bullet: Geldof or Bono? And What do you think of Geldoff, et al's attempt to raise awareness of the "African Plight" with his latest round of publicity stunts? And have you got any opinions on that cunt Bono?

your mate dave on LIVE8

Hmm, a bullet for neither, I’d save it for one of those sickos that tried selling the LIVE:8 tickets on ebay for a profit… those people are scum. Geldof and Bono are both principled men, and we should be proud of them. U2 are still a great and credible band.

CHILDISH SEX BASED QUESTIONS

I was expecting one or two silly sex based questions, but I had many of them. I have decided not to answer them all. I list a couple of them here just so the authors can feel some shame upon re-reading them, and hopefully realise how childish they are.

Karen asked;

So Dave...Davros or The Master? If you had to?!? ;-)

Karen, I don’t actually know who either of these people are, so neither.

Tina asked,

if you came in somebody's mouth would you take your cum back in your own with a big, tonguey snog?

Tina, that is repellent in the extreme, and not the sort of language a woman should be using. At least not an intelligent one.

And that ends the Q&A session.

I would like to thank the following people who bothered to ask a question, even if they were universally piss poor efforts.


And from Herge this message:

A special shout out must go to this guy, visit him and you'll understand why. He seems like a really nice bloke, it's ironic that I used japanses numbers for Your Mate Dave, as it seems this guy is in, or has been living in Japan - it was purely a coincidence. Sorry Russell - I just found your picture using a search for Smug on google.

your mate dave on blogging

14 comments:

Karen said...

LOL! Poor Russell!

So is this the end of Dave? Can we get some wisdom from a different smug bastard? (Note: Dalek is not a smug bastard.)

Herge Smith said...

He's going to be making one, maybe two more appearances and then that's it for this poor bastard.

As for another smug bastard, only me I'm afraid... I've done this thing to death, although... maybe Kate will have a couple of things to say...

As for Dalek, he's only got a couple more statements to make before going home (Dalek and Borg strip, not Skaro)

Sniffy said...

Well, nothing unexpected from Dave's answers then. I'm surprised he bothered at all. I like the way he dodged the ones from Faltanus and Ed, and everybody else for that matter.

Herge, thank YOU for bringing Dave to us. It's not as if my blood pressure isn't high enough without reading his daily dose of wisdom.

Herge Smith said...

I must admit, I kinda wished I hadn't done this bit, but wheels were in motion...

I might do a HAL 9000 follow up, or, and this is more likely, some vicious killing of celebrities and alternative news stories... it's just so boring post election.

I have an ID card thing, but it's not that fab.

Crystal said...

ah, Dave was gentle on a newcomer.

Karen said...

Dearest mate Dave – Who mentioned SEX? I wanted to know who would you fight if you had to….Davros the leader of the Daleks or The Master a rogue time lord.

Ashlay Gimpsen said...

Dave is hilarious!
I only read about half of this (I'm at work).

Which celebrities are you going to kill off? Can we make suggestions? ;)

Herge Smith said...

Well Casaaqua, Dave will be leaving us sortly, but his back catalogue of sage like comments are always available in the Angry Chimp archives

As for suggesting people for orbits - suggest away - if I particularly dislike the person I will end their life for you all.

I'm good like that.

Ship Creak said...

I think the cast of Home and Away should meet their doom, one by one, at the hands of Angry Chump.

Ship Creak said...

Ahem, I beg your pardon - that would be "at the hands of Angry Chimp".

Please accept my sincerest apologies. First round is on me if you can be bothered to get off your arse and come down the pub...

Ashlay Gimpsen said...

Herge,

I'll be sure to read up. It's got to be the same urge to read him as to watch "American Idol". What's Dave going to say next?

Umm, who to do in? How about David Copperfield (the magician)? He's awful annoying and useless. You can even get in a dig about Claudia Shiffer.

Steve Dix said...

Sorry I didn't join in, but the only question I could think of was "Why does everyone take an instant dislike to Dave?", and I already know the answer, "Because it saves time."

Toque said...

'Torque'?

I can assure you that this Brit is not for turning.

My other guise is Gareth at the CEP BTW, cheers for the link.

Herge Smith said...

Toque, sorry about the Torque - think I got it right in the links though,

this brit is by no means for turning.