Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Ask Dave a question... go ahead, don't be shy.

davey boy

Hey there guys, how’s it going?

You all know me from my popular blog column, Your mate Dave. Well as you’ve probably noticed my column is on the fritz – we’ve got the technical boys in. You know the type, a whizz with computers, but zero personality skills when it comes to anything that doesn’t understand C++ or HTML (Hello, Totally Moronic Loser – ha ha ha).

Seriously, I spoke to one just now, he almost wet himself, but then I guess I am quite an imposing figure, y’know, forceful personality and great looks. This guy really smelt bad, in his early thirties no doubt, and still an absolute virgin. What a loser, but a necessary evil when you’re dealing with computers.

Anyway, I digress. They say the column won’t be back to it’s old self until they sort out the interference problems.

So I thought, I cannot deny you all my daily pearls of wisdom, so in a selfless act, that is so typical of me, I’m going to throw it open to you… my fans.

So, take this opportunity – which will not be repeated, to ask me a question, any question you like, or have been dying to ask ever since I started to bring some light to your daily drudge.

Oh, and one last thing ladies, I’m already taken… so don’t bother asking me that.

Okay – get ready to have your mind expanded…

Ask Dave a question.


Sniffy said...

Hi Dave, thanks for taking the time to answer all our questions.

I'm not surprised that you're not "available". I mean, how can somebody who loves themselves as much as you do have time or space for anybody else?

My question is this: If you could live anywhere in the world, where would that be and why?

(Also if I could be cheeky: where would you definitely NOT want to live, and why?)

Herge Smith said...

Goodness Tina, I am surpised by you. But not in a good way. I've been 'checking out' your little lady blog for a few weeks now, and I've noticed that you're a feisty one - so I'm disappointed that your question was sooooooooo boring.

Why don't you try again?


Lisa from Alaska said...

Hi Dave - If you had to drink your own urine to survive, would you?

What if you were fresh out, but someone else was willing to share theirs, would you take them up on the offer?

Sniffy said...

Ok then Dave, if you came in somebody's mouth would you take your cum back in your own with a big, tonguey snog?

Herge Smith said...

See, that's what I expected from you... a total gross out. I will answer all these questions, even the childish ones, once I have a sufficient amount.

If, in the meantime, you have any 'serious' questions, go ahead and ask.



Anonymous said...

I've just been asked by Herge Smith, or whatever he's decided to call himself, to stop using his login.

This is Dave.

Sniffy said...

Dave, you're a complete cunt. Is there any sort of question that you'd consider answering?

How's about this: What do you think of Geldoff, et al's attempt to raise awareness of the "African Plight" with his latest round of publicity stunts? And have you got any opinions on that cunt Bono?

Lisa from Alaska said...

Dave, lets say that you've just been awarded $100,000.00 to start a charity. Would you start one, or just give the money back. What kind of a charity would you start? What would be your charity's tagline?

Kenny said...

Dave-matey boy, what the fuck is that strap around your neck? I thought you left that with the lovely lady you nicked it from.

Are you still on for Saturday?

Stella or Scrumpy Jack?

Your public awaits. And it's your round you tight arsed "last one to the bar, first one to the toilet" merchant.

portuguesa nova said...

I'd be interested in knowing Dave's favorite restaurant and his views on abortion.

Nobody Special said...


Do you have to go to a salon to have those eyebrows shaped or do you have a close mate give you a good plucking every now and then?

Faltanus said...

3 questions for ya Dave, from the absurd to the sublime.

First, don't take this one the wrong way, you've totally established your hetersexuality, and besides you're not my type, but I've just got to know....what's your take on man-on-man action?

Second, have you ever considered a run for political office? I think that would be a perfect place for you to dole out your vast wealth of wisdom.

And finally, the Reimann Hypothesis? Yes or no? Will it be proved one way or the other in our lifetime?

Thanks Dave,


Rowan said...

Hi Dave, what were you like in school? Obviously not the computer geek, nor the motorhead?

What do you think about the whole Michael Jackson acquittal?

I know you aren't available, but what's your type?

Rowan said...

ooooh Dave! One more question! What were you trying to say when the "interference" first appeared and messed up your quote of the day!?! I'm DYING to know.

Karen said...

Dave: with your greasy hair and oily face, have you ever considered taking a shower?

Do the sheep like you enough to put out for free, or do you have to pay them for the pleasure?

Do you have ANY friends, at all?

Are you able to keep your jackass mouth shut for even a day?

What would you look like as a Borg?

edwaado said...


I've been stuck on this one for a while, you're my only hope.

If a first-order reaction A-->B with specific reaction rate 3.76 ( /min) takes place in an ideal continuous stirred-tank reactor, what volume is required to achieve a 75.0% reactant conversion at steady state if the throughput rate is 286 liters/s?

edwaado said...


Another thorny one.

I have always been taught that the universe is expanding. The proof of this is the 'red shift'. If this is the case, does that prove that the universe is finite, as an infinite can't expand as it needs somewhere to expand into?

edwaado said...

Last one Dave.

Is there a convincing philosophical rebuttal to solipsism - the theory that the self is all that you can know to exist? Or are you all figments of my imagination?

Karen said...

Wow, Edwaado; judging by your questions, you are one smart infant! (And cute, too!)

Faltanus said...

ooh ooh ooh!! edwaado's question on solipsism made me think of a question one of my gifted students asked me the other day when we were discussing Bertrand Russell's paradox. Anyway Dave, I was wondering, do you think quantum physics and Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle support or undermine the philosophy of determinism? Are existentialism and determinism compatible philosophical systems, or must they, by definition, contradict each other? Those questions have really been bothering me lately, so any insight you can provide will be greatly appreciated. In addition to the answers to my previous questions of course.

pissoff said...

Dave...I've got an easy question for you mate: How long does it take to build a dry stone wall?

edwaado said...

edwaado thinks: '...just as long as noone realises I just ripped this off notesandqueries then I'm hope free...'

Toque said...

Dave, would you rather have a head that is twice normal size or half normal size?

Also, given the choice, would you rather be a woman with man's legs (assuming that you are not allowed to shave them) or a man with woman's arms?

thordora said...

boxers or briefs Dave...and do you turn them inside out to "get an extra day"?

Crystal said...

I'd like to know why the sky is blue, why money does not grow on trees, and why Ewan McGregor has not realized that I am the love of his life.

Ship Creak said...

i'd like to ask you what the air-speed/velocity of an unladen swallow is, but i think that's been done before, sooooo....

Empire or Jedi?

Sniffy said...

You have a gun with one bullet: Geldof or Bono?

Kenny said...

Tina: Bono.

Philosophers: if you need an argument against Solipsism, read your own book - you know you wrote one. Yeah, right. Oh, and thanks for the one-line explanation of Solipsism...we would never have known.