Ask Dave a question... go ahead, don't be shy.

Hey there guys, how’s it going?

You all know me from my popular blog column, Your mate Dave. Well as you’ve probably noticed my column is on the fritz – we’ve got the technical boys in. You know the type, a whizz with computers, but zero personality skills when it comes to anything that doesn’t understand C++ or HTML (Hello, Totally Moronic Loser – ha ha ha).

Seriously, I spoke to one just now, he almost wet himself, but then I guess I am quite an imposing figure, y’know, forceful personality and great looks. This guy really smelt bad, in his early thirties no doubt, and still an absolute virgin. What a loser, but a necessary evil when you’re dealing with computers.

Anyway, I digress. They say the column won’t be back to it’s old self until they sort out the interference problems.

So I thought, I cannot deny you all my daily pearls of wisdom, so in a selfless act, that is so typical of me, I’m going to throw it open to you… my fans.

So, take this opportunity – which will not be repeated, to ask me a question, any question you like, or have been dying to ask ever since I started to bring some light to your daily drudge.

Oh, and one last thing ladies, I’m already taken… so don’t bother asking me that.

Okay – get ready to have your mind expanded…

Ask Dave a question.

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SAN-JU HACHI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI SAN-JU SAN
SAN-JU YON SAN-JU GO SAN-JU ROKU SAN-JU NANA

UK Prime Minister punches US President: REDUX

The PM sez: Come on Bush, if you think you're hard enough!

WORLD NEWS: An international row has erupted today following yesterdays meeting between Prime Minister Gordon Ramsay and US President George Bush. Just moments after the two world leaders met Ramsay ‘laid out’ President Bush in a single punch.

Described by the Guardian newspaper this morning as the biggest blow for US/ UK relations since the American War of Independance, yesterdays incident occurred when Ramsay took offence to remark made by Bush, when he described Britain as,

“A nation of kiddie fiddling, pinko Satanists who need a strong hand from a God fearing man, not a jumped up Soux chef with a potty mouth”.

Speaking later at a hastily organised press conference, Ramsay told reporters that he simply had had enough of the bullying tactics consistently employed by Bush and his Government,

“I’d come to the end of my tether,” Ramsay said, “If he’d pulled that shit in one of my kitchens I’d have done more than clock the cunt one”

Ramsay went on to say that he had no regrets for what he had done, and that if Bush had a problem with it, “He knows where to find me.”

President Bush and his team immediately flew back to The United States, and have now begun to recall all ambassadors from UK embassies,

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice said this morning,

“He (Ramsay) is in serious need of help regarding his anger management issues” before adding, “Ramsay struck Bush when Bush had his back turned, otherwise Bush would have had that snivelling limp wrist Brit no problem.”

Relations between the US and the UK have become increasingly fractious over the past two years following the US invasion of Northern Ireland, one of the ‘Axis of evil’ powers and ‘harbour of terrorists’, as described by Bush.

Dr Lilly Lipgay of Brighton University regards the invasion and current occupation of Northern Ireland as, “the logical conclusion to the US war on terror.”

Lipgay also suggested that Ramsay’s attack on Bush could possibly do more good than harm,

“America is simply not liked in the world anymore, but they are the only super power. You can attack them with bombs and bullets, killing soldiers and civilians, but it never really harms the decision makers. What Ramsay did was humiliate their President, and in effect their government, and that is where the real focus of world hatred lies, not the America people.”

Jamie Oliver, Education Minister, and former chef himslef, put it more bluntly,

“No one dislikes the ordinary yanks, we just hate that monkey faced puppet the Neo Cons installed in the White 'ouse. 'Im and all his cronies. Gordon clocking him one in the mush was as sweet as a nut.”

Bush: Moments after the assault, clearly not amused.

It was expected that Ramsay would today face a call for his resignation when he attended Prime Ministers questions in the commons. However, in another shocking turn of events, Ramsay actually faced a standing ovation from the entire house.

“It was like that scene in that movie, Love, actually,” said opposition leader Delia Smith, “ Except Ramsay got to lamp that retard gimp, and it didn’t make you feel physically sick to sit through it”

Internationally, it appears Ramsay’s actions have met with similar praise. With promises of support coming from as far a field as Iran, Australia, North Korea, Japan, Italy, Germany and Russia.

It also appears that the incident has brought the UK closers to it’s nearest neighbour France, with French Prime Minister Jean Reno commenting, “I wished that I 'ad 'it 'im, especially when 'e asked why France was so gay. Bless Monsieur Ramsay, 'e 'as made a strike for the world”.

Zeth Mongoloid, of the Washington Post believes this incident presents a significant challenge for the Bush Presidency, “If Bush comes out and condemns Ramsay, he only reconfirms his arrogance and further isolates the US from the rest of world. If he is contrite, it will be perceived as weakness in the eyes of the American people and destabilise his standing as a tough and effective leader.”

Mongoloid added, “Ramsay’s lucky he didn’t pull that bullshit here, because as you know we love our guns, and we love to use them as an inappropriate response to a minor threat”.

President Bush is expected to make a statement regarding the incident later today. What he will say is currently unknown, what is expected however, is a huge black shiner to be covering his right eye.

Re-released this week, to cash in, obviously...

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SAN-JU NANA

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI SAN-JU SAN
SAN-JU YON SAN-JU GO SAN-JU ROKU

Dalek and Borg 8

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SAN-JU ROKU

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI SAN-JU SAN
SAN-JU YON SAN-JU GO

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 11/06/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 11/06/05

THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Ohhhh look how stylish we are...

Daniela Catavero & Ariosto Algieri

Daniela His first wife was pure spite. She used to call him Chuckles, because he never laughs, and rarely smiles. I first met him during one of her coffee mornings. It was as soon as our eyes met over a mug of Columbian Black Bean, that I knew that I had to possess him. The investigation into his wife's disappearance is still ongoing; I think they are wasting their time. I call him Uncle. He's my thing.

Ariosto She is the most determined person I have ever met. I once saw her almost beat an old lady to death during a battle for the last organic rice cake in vegan café in Brighton. She has the face of an angel, but her heart is cold. I do not know what happened to my first wife. Daniela tells me that we love each other. I do what she says.Craig Taylor


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Saturday Night is Execution Night - say ITV.

If only those two cunts were contestants.

ITV has hit back against its Saturday night ratings slump with a new high concept game show.

Fronted by the UK’s most popular presenting duo, Ant and Dec (real names Anthony Leopold and Declan Loeb), Saturday Night is Execution Night will give viewers the chance to watch death row inmates as they compete for their own method of execution.

It is expected that lethal injection will be the execution method of preference with the condemn contestants; with death by stoning tying for last place with death by a thousand cuts.

As is now de rigueur for the game show format, a phone-in will provide the audience at home an opportunity to take part in the show. Saturday Night is Execution Night will encourage viewers to vote for their least favourite inmate to be shot from a canon at high speed into a brick wall, tiled with broken glass and nails.

Viewing figures for Channel 4’s smash Death Row Big Brother, and BBC1’s Celebrity Euthanasia Challenge, clearly demonstrate that the UK public have a taste for gruesome onscreen deaths combined with a quirky game show set-up.

However, the addition of Ant and Dec’s tired, cheeky chappie shtick, may prove to be a step too far for the Saturday night viewing public – comprised mainly of the sick, elderly and socially inept.

Critics have been extremely vocal in their condemnation of this latest ‘extreme’ game show, already dubbing it as ‘boringly familiar’, and ‘extreme-lite’.

Conversely, the show has attracted praise from an unusual source. The Home Secretary, Charles Clarke has already declared the show ‘very socially responsible’.

“Saturday Night is Execution Night, demonstrates to those that will break the laws of this land that such behaviour will not be tolerated, and justice will be served” Clarke said today, before adding “Plus, it’s genuinely entertaining, the wife and I wept tears of laughter when Douglas Simpson (sic) was beheaded whilst dragged up as dear old Maggie Thatcher.”

Daniel Simpson (16) was tried earlier this year for the first-degree murder of TV personality, Davina McCall (45). Simpson’s defence team unsuccessfully argued that the death of McCall was not murder, but a mercy killing. Simpson was providing mercy for UK viewing public by ‘doing in that irritating self-aggrandised harpy’ – as Simpson himself described his victim during his controversial pre-verdict interview on Channel 4’s light entertainment show Richard and Judy.

Saturday Night is Execution Night begins 19th June. In a bold move by ITV, it will go head to head with BBC1’s behemoth Saturday night TV spurious documentary series, ‘Female Circumcision: When rock beats scissors’.

SAN-JU GO

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI SAN-JU SAN
SAN-JU YON

Celebrity Concentration Camp - Dido gets an early shower

The public have voted for Pop Diva Dido, to be the second contestant to be sent to the showers in Channel Five's Celebrity Concentration Camp.

Disappointed by the news, Dido's popularity has trailed ever since she sang on the third day of the show in a misguided attempt to cheer up the other contestants, or detainees as the producers of the series, 'Fingered Toddler' calls them.

"You can torture us, degrade us and slowly starve us to death" said fellow detainee Missy Elliot. "But forcing us to listen to that disembowelled little Lord Faunteroy caterwauling, well that’s just plain evil"

And it appears the public have listened to the fat/thin/fat/thin rhymer, overwhelming voting for the self obsessed toff from Kent to face a waterless shower this evening at 9.00pm.

Previous showerer, Ricky Gervais attracted record viewing figures, as the lardy, pasty and sporadically amusing TV personality coughed and chocked his last breath on Monday evening.

"It wasn't a good way to go, but it did get some good numbers,” said executive producer Jean Pierre LaRedoute, admitting that although it may have been painful for Gervais, it was far from painful for Five.

Meanwhile, it seems that Bruce Willis is more than happy with his new haircut. The American action movie star said that he had little hair to begin with so forcibly having what remained shaved off in an attempt to further dehumanise the detainees, proved no real hardship.

Plus, it has also cut down on the risk of lice infestation, a condition Willis has battled with all of his adult life.

SAN-JU YON

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI SAN-JU SAN

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SAN-JU SAN

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JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI SAN-JU NI

Death Row Big Brother: The Insiders Guide.

It's gonna be a best seller, you better believe it.

Channel 4 books will be publishing the insiders guide to Death Row Big Brother, the smash phenomena that’s rocked television and caused a cultural pro-lapse, this Monday.

Authored by world famous ‘satirical’ blogger, Herge Smith, Death Row Big Brother – the Insider’s Guide, follows the day-by-day broadcasts from the Death Row Big Brother House.

Along with a daily breakdown the guide includes interviews with the shows creators - the production company ‘Abortion Tickles’ and Mastermind, Mark Cantrell, a full breakdown of each housemates criminal record with police evidence - CSI reports AND photos of victims, before and after. This unique guide also provides fans with shot by shot descriptions of each housemate’s execution and full autopsy report – in gut wrenching colour, and 3D (glasses included).

This is the definative book of the series. Buy it now from all good book shops for £25.99, or online from Amazon – Click Here. Alternatively, wait a week after the series finale when you will be able to get a copy from County Bookshops for £2.99, selling alongside Gareth Gates biography and The Darkness 2004 annual.

More on this extraordinary show Click Here

SAN-JU NI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU SAN-JU ICHI

Dixon update - GOOD NEWS GOOD NEWS

Ahhhhhhhhh, yeah, I get that all the time.

Yes folks, it is good news.

Dixon has started to walk again!!

This time last week she was still queen of the drag, but one week later she is walking 90% of the time. Now that is progress.

The specialist I took Dixon to last week (he was a specialist on the basis that he kept me waiting an hour and charged £100 for a ten minute consultation) suggested that Dixon may start to walk again, but she would never be 100%.

He also indicated that Dixon was still only in week 3 of her 6-week recovery window. (After 6 weeks, whatever recovery she has will be how she will remain).

I didn't feel that positive after, I tried, but I figured that she was gonna be a buggy girl, but then a day later -

Honestly, I don't mean to sound to blasé about the whole thing - I'm not. I went to the flicks on Friday night (to see Shit City - buy the comic Sin City - ignore the film) and when I got home I noticed Dixon was standing up on her bed, didn't think anything of it until she walked round the dining room table - WALKED! She never fell down once.

I was STUNNED! I was convinced she would never walk again. I immediately started to get wet eyes - I was thrilled. Oh yeah, it was Shmackos all round

She is still really wobbly when she walks - it looks like she's drunk, but as I say, she's walking more and more.

In fact, we took her for a walk today, and she managed about 100 metres without the aid of her belly band (goes round her tummy when she's out - keeps her back legs up).

Dixon does get tired very quickly, but then she hasn't walked for almost 4 weeks and the muscles in her back legs are seriously weak - despite constant physio.

So it's still all to play for - gotta keep building up her muscles, get her used to walking again... avoid that cart.

Not so fucking sweet now, is she?

And the insurance company have coughed for the operation, Yay!

SAN-JU ICHI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN
JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKUNI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI
NI-JU KYU SAN-JU

Great new album from Oasis

Just listen to Definitely Maybe and have done.

Dalek and Borg 6

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ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKU
NI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI NI-JU KYU

NI-JU KYU

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKU
NI-JU NANA NI-JU HACHI

WE LOVE EACH OTHER - The Guardian Magazine 04/06/05

Reprinted with no permission from The Guardian Weekend Suppliment 04/06/05

THE WEEKEND MAGAZINE: Red faced fuck needs drink.

Tony & Alison Davies

Tony As long as it gets her drunk, that has always been her attitude. Over the years, I’ve had to confiscate hundreds of bottles of lighter fluid, nail polish remover, white spirit, whatever she can get her hands on. When you live with someone with an addiction you know you will always be second best to whatever they are addicted to. In Alison’s case, it’s the booze. She is a boozehound.

Alison I really love Tony. Tony is so great, seriously, he’s the best man I’ve ever had, and I’ve had hundreds. I do, I really love him. He’s so sweet when he gets angry with me, he has this little vein in his forehead that throbs when he finds me in the bathroom with a bottle of vodka that I stole from Morrisons, or whatever. God, I love him. Honestly, I really do, he’s my best friend as well.Craig Taylor


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NI-JU HACHI

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKU
NI-JU NANA

Princess Diana is still dead - say Royals

Thank fuck for that.

BREAKING NEWS: After weeks of mounting press speculation, Clarence House has made an official statement regarding the recent claims of sightings of Princess Diana in Clacton-on-Sea, Essex.

The brief statement was delivered on behalf of Prince Charles by his chief advisor, Edmond Hawkings-Long, to an amassed crowd of journalists and well-wishers.

“Despite all our hope that the rumour of Princess Diana’s resurrection from the dead, were true, sadly we must make it clear that it is not.”

Hawkings-Long continued, “Prince Charles, Princes William and Prince Harry, appreciate your kind thoughts regarding Princess Diana, but ask that you honour their request for this matter to now come to an end”

After making the statement, Hawkings-Long refused to be drawn further on the matter.

Princess Diana, England's Rose, was killed in 1998 during a tour of war torn Angola, when a publicity walkabout to raise the awareness of the wide spread use of hidden Antipersonnel charges, in a landmine field, went disastrously wrong.

Both Princess Diana and her close personal aid, Paul Burrell were instantly killed when Burrell accidentally stepped on a 'Bouncing Betty', the landmine favoured by the German army during World War 2.

Burrell was running to give the Princess a bottle of Evian at the time.

Evian went onto use the footage of the tragedy in their controversial advertising campaign.

Hmm, feel like a drink right about BLAMMM!!!

The Chairman, Robin Anderson and Marketing Director, Floyd Matthews, both of Evian UK were subsequently lynched by a mob of outraged 'Diana mourners', and self proclaimed humanitarians, following an ill-advised press conference held by Evian UK in Kensington Gardens, designed to explain and justify the advertisement.

To this day no one has been charged with their murders.

Glenda Handtree, Head of Monarchy Studies at East Anglia Polytechnic, claims that these stores are a direct result of the recent announcement that Prince Charles (68) and his long-term companion and ‘fuck buddy’, Wendy Richards (72) star of ‘Eastenders’ and ‘The New Avengers’, are engaged to be married.

“It’s a backlash to what many believe is a deeply inappropriate union”, Handtree goes onto explain, “especially in light of the current on-going investigation into the double homicide of the brothers, Andrew and the other one”.

However, despite this recent event at Buckingham Palace, Charles and Wendy are still set to be married at Windsor Castle on July 3rd of this year, in front of a congregation composed of friends and family, including controversial ‘Goth rock’ performer Marilyn Manson. (real name Pee Wee Herman) and TV ‘funny man’ Jimmy Carr.

As recently as last month, the youngest son of Princess Diana, Prince Harry, also known affectionately in the press as 'The Half Blood Prince'.

Ugly thick fuckers, father and son.

Due to the revelations in 2001 that Harry’s biological father was not Prince Charles but Mick Hucknell of super group 'Simply Red', made a statement regarding the alleged sightings of his mother, during an 'exclusive' Ku Klux Klan rally he was holding at Highgate Castle.

“Mother was very broad minded when it came to belief systems", Harry told Angry Chimp, "and it would certainly not surprise me if during her last trip to Haiti in 1996, she had made an arrangement with a Voodoo Priest to raise her from the dead in the event of her death”.

Prince Harry went on to explain that as long as she came back from the dead without an ounce of 'coloured in her', he’d have no objection to reforming his ‘mother/ son’ bond with her.

Although initially Princes William and Harry were said to be delighted at the reports that their mother was living a secret life as single parent of three on a new ‘Barrett home’ housing estate in Clacton, the announcement today may at last begin to lay to rest the spectre of their beloved mum, Princess Diana or as she’s known in Clacton-on-Sea, Tracey Goggins.

They make a beautiful couple.

Although Ms Wendy Richards will officially be Princess of Wales, she will not be called ‘Mummy’ by the Princes due to sensitivities involved, she will simply be known as 'Pauline'.

NI-JU NANA

ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO NI-JU ROKU

Dalek and Borg 5

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ICHI NI SAN YON GO ROKU NANA HACHI KYU JU
JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
JU-HACHI JU-KYU NI-JU NI-JU ICHI NI-JU NI
NI-JU SAN NI-JU YON NI-JU GO

Chris Martin, Singer of Coldplay dies aged 38 ¾

Guess which cock is Martin.

It has revealed today that Chris Martin, the mild singer of super group Coldplay, was this morning found dead in the bathroom of his North Peckham flat. The ‘oh so’ sensitive singer was discovered by wife and movie star Gwyneth Paltrow. It is suspected that Martin died of ‘ennui’. A condition that recently claimed the life of ‘wilting yet insightful’ singer, Dido.

Martin was 38 ¾ years young.

Chris Martin shot to fame when he was linked to ‘beautiful and intelligent’ as she, herself puts it, Gwyneth Paltrow (daughter of deceased, and equally pretentious, producer/ director, Bruce Paltrow). Martin and Paltrow quickly became the hottest, and most ‘thoughtful’ couple in the pages of celebrity gossip papers Punch and Private Eye.

However, despite often attending premiers, making sure they were seen out and about Peckham (the trendiest area of London, populated by artists, musicians, actors and scientists) and frequently taking part in interviews for Television and Fashion Magazines, the couple bitterly complained about the invasion of their privacy.

We need more magazines like this.

The situation came to ahead in March this year, when Martin made a plea to an audience at Earls Court to try not to look at him too much, explaining that it upset him and made him nervous.

The pressure of fame and his innate sensitivity was foremost in Martins mind. During the now infamous interview with Angry Chimp, in September 2004, Martin broke down when he recounted a tail of the day he hit a ‘bunny rabbit’ in his Range Rover.

“I went through some heavy duty analysis after I murdered that poor innocent creature, I thought I was coping with it… but the pain just keeps coming back”. Martin said.

He went on to explain that he often thought of quitting the music scene, which he found ‘wrenching’ at times, “Especially with the honesty, and raw emotions I expose”.

Unfortunately, Martin found himself in a ‘logic trap’, which forced him to keep performing, “I want to quit because of the pain it causes me, but then to deny the general public of the glorious, healing, sweet sweet sound of Coldplay would also cause me great pain. I can’t have an act so selfish on my conscience, so I keep going, like a true hero”.

A great album, if you're deaf.

Coldplay is the brainchild of pop svenghai, Peter Waterman. Waterman created Coldplay along with Snow Patrol, Keane and Doves, the bands that formed the backbone of what Waterman would often describe as ‘Dinner Core’, manufactured dinner party music with a sensitive hardcore and contrived authenticity.

“Your average Martin Middleclass, or Laura Lemon Grass doesn’t want to listen to music that’s overly complicated” Waterman explained, “they want music that can play quietly in the background when they discuss with their lawyer and teacher friends, which is the best school for their children. They then want that music to be playing on the advert for their new Audi. That’s what Coldplay and the rest of ‘Dinner Core’ bands give them”.

Paltrow, and the daughter she shared with Martin, named End World Debt Martin-Paltrow, are currently staying with relatives. Paltrow is reported as ‘distraught’, especially as she will now need to find a new celebrity boyfriend to parade around like an accessory.

Hey, Y'all middleclasses, this is the one you want.

Coldplay are set to headline The Glastonbury Festival, sponsored by The Literary Review, as well as embarking on a world tour to promote their new album ‘T&A’. Bassist, Guy Berryman, speaking to Angry Chimp this afternoon, suggested that the death of Martin might not rule out these appearances.

“We can always get a large, lanky piece of MDF, that should do the job replacing Chris” Berryman said, before adding “As long as we paint it beige, with organic emulsion, that is”.

NI-JU GO

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JU-ICHI JU-NI JU-SAN JU-YON JU-GO JU-ROKU
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