Sunday, October 09, 2005

In dialogue: George and Gawd

Some of y'all may have read this here bit before over at Tina's when I left it as a comment for her post on a true story about the President of the most heavily armed and powerful nation on the face of the Earth (excluding China) taking instructions on what physical actions to take in the World arena from his belief in a supernatural all powerful presence in his life which he calls 'God'. Here.

"Lord, I'm speaking to you now for some more of that home-spun, middle America lovin' advice and direction that you've been partial to dispensing unto me."

"---"

"Lord, can you hear me?"

"---"

"Lord?"

"---"

"Lord?"

"Oh, sorry about that my Son, I was having a natter with Osama"

"Bin Laden?"

"Yes, do you know him?"

"Why yes, our families go back a ways--"

"Hmm..."

"What Lord?"

"No, nothing"

"Lord, you can tell me"

"It's probably nothing, but I've been speaking with Osama for sometime now and he's never mentioned knowing you or any of your family"

"Gee, that is kinda odd"

"Maybe he's just a bit embarrassed about knowing you"

"What was that Lord?"

"Nothing, sorry, you were saying?"

"Oh yeah, I was wondering if you had some more --- erm, I don't want to seem out of line Lord, but are you speaking to other guys behind my back?"

"Well, now you come to mention it, I may occasionally give them some advice"

"But Lord ---"

"It's okay George, I usually change my name when I speak with them"

"Oh okay"

"So anyway, what did you want?"

"Guidance Lord, guidance"

"George, I don't much care for them gays, they're just too fancy for my liking. Get rid of them"

"Yes Lord"

"Oh, and George, those coloureds, they've got far too much funk in them"

"Lord, we call them Blacks now, or African Americans, and isn't saying they have funk a tad racist Lord?"

"You questioning me boy!?!"

"No Lord"

"I've decided to send a hurricane to give them a good licking, don't you go helping them now, ya hear"

"No Lord"

"Oh and George"

"Yes Lord"

"I created all life Son"

"Yes Lord"

"But I'm thinking those Brits were a mistake"

"You can't make mistakes, you are without fault, Lord"

"I was having a ciggie break when I came up with them"

"I have a good friend who's a Brit"

"He's a snake George, sort him and his uppitty stiff lipped brethren out"

"Lord?"

"They think they's so sophisticate, what with their laughing and howling at all that Iony, with an r."

"Yes Lord, I never understand Tone's jokes, or Monty Python. I do get Benny Hill though. How's Benny doing up there Lord?"

"I'm afraid Benny went to the other place Son"

"Really Lord?"

"I'm afraid so. it was all the chasing after teenage age hotties that did it"

"Erm...is chasing after teenage hotties wrong Lord?"

"Only if you catch them Son"

"Oh. I'll make a mental note of that ...................................."

"George?"

"-------"

"GEORGE!"

"Oh, yes Lord?"

"What are you doing down there?"

"I was making a mental note Lord, it takes a little time is all. I usually get Dick to do a little puppet show to help me remember stuff, but I think I've got that in my noggin now."

"Good"

"Oh Lord, what of the little fella with the goatee beard that ran that office in that factumentary I watched a while back? Is he up there Lord?"

"Ricky Gervais?"

"I think his name was Bent?"

"He's not dead yet George, but his name is on the list"

"That's good news Lord"

"Anyway, back to business. B'ah! it was a distraction like this that caused me to create Marmite. Evil stuff that it is."

"I hate it Lord"

"Good lad"

"I hate it on morning muffins and i hate it on toast and I hate it on a nice fresh bagel from O'Nelly's down on 5th and 10th"

"Cut the jokes George, you ain't no good at them. Anyway, where was I?"

"The Brits Lord"

"Yes, that's right. (Ahem) Wipe them out George, all of them"

"Yes Lord".

"Right, that's your lot for this week"

"Thank you Lord"

"Oh, and before I go have a chat with the Pope --"

"What Lord?"

"George, can you please keep it to yourself about our little sessions?"

"Oh, sorry Lord"

"It can be a little embarrassing at times"

"What Lord? Because you are so helpful and generous?"

"No, embarrassing that I know you"

"Oh, okay Lord"

Ba boom.

The fact that I am reprinting my comments from other blogs is further proof that this blog has simultaneously 'jumped the shark' and become seasons 8&9 of Seinfeld, seasons 6-9 of the X-files, Alien 3&4 (and AvsP), season 2 of Murder One, Gulf War 1&2, all of The Green Wing, series 2 (not 3) of Black Books, Land of the Dead, Godfather 3, Goodfellas and all subsequent work by Marty, all non Travis Bickle roles by De Niro, Harry Potter, the second BRMC album, Automatic onward by JAMC, The Dark Knight Strikes again, all of Nathan Barley, the Colin Baker years of Dr Who, Oasis's last 3 albums, all non Beatles work by Paul and John, the reforming of the Pixies, Star Wars Episodes IV,I,II,III and Monty Pythons 'Meaning of Life' (excluding the very funny short movie about the bank that becomes a pirate building).

Erm, what was my point again?

19 comments:

Sniffy said...

I liked that. It's in the same sort of league as The Nazi issue of Vogue. Sort fo "YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!" until you actually think about it.

I think you're being a bit unfair on yourself about the quality of stuff, or the fact that you liken Angry Chimp now to those dreadfully tired shows and films. I just think you're not sure what the Chimp should do next. There's possibly a huge expectation for you to produce some masterpiece using photoshop that you don't feel that you're allowed to just write things anymore. What you've posted here and now is EXACTLY what Angry Chimp means to so many people: brilliant, biting, thought-provoking, hilarious.

Just don't put yourself down about any of the things you've created for Chimp because all of it has been wonderful.

edwaado said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
edwaado said...

You forgot Knightrider 2000

Alex M said...

Ah-ha. So if Black Books can jump the shark in one direction, then turn around and jump BACK again, then so can you, fella. Save the Chimp!

Although I don't think there's actually been any shark-jumping of any kind. Maybe you dreamt it?

As the Cakesniffer so wisely says, don't worry about what you think people might be expecting. To appropriate a slogan from a well-known sweatship operator: Just do it.

Sniffy said...

Do Nike own a fleet of slave galleons now? When will their evil end?

thordora said...

unlike most other blogs, your "worst" is still kick ass. Take a little break...but don't leave....please....you're one of the only amusing spots on most of my days....

and I'm glad I'm not the only one perpetually rolling my eyes at the reformed pixies....ffs...

please stay. And everything Tina said too.

Karen said...

Angry Chimp is the first blog I check every day... And sometimes the only blog I check. Will you at least name a successor? Can Dixon blog?

For all the jokes about Dubya's stupidity, I'm sure he's actually quite a lot dumber than we imagine.

Alex M said...

Tina - yes, haven't you seen the news? They roam the oceans of the world, press-ganging youths onto their trainer-production vessels.

cali said...

Goodfellas?!!! Are you quitting blogging cos you've lost your mind? Goodfellas! Or maybe you saw the dubbed-into-british version; "In what manner do I amuse you, old chap. As a court jester might, perhaps?"

And BRMC's 2nd album rocked!

Okay, I agree the rest had pretty much lost their spark, and yeah, recycling comments from other blogs, funny as it is, isn't a good sign. Take a sabbatical old chap.

Sniffy said...

Goodfellas was shit.

I'm forever recycling comments that I put on other blogs. Forever recycling posts. Fuck it, that's what I say. Sometimes, it's only when you're on a roll in the commenting after writing the initial post that you actually get to best bits. It's a shame not to share them when they're as good as this.

edwaado said...

Yeah, Goodfellas are shit - I prefer those Chicago Deep-dish ones.

Sniffy said...

Morrison's own are quite nice, and I like the look of Tesco finest ones too.

edwaado said...

This post reminds me of a dubya joke I read in yesterday's paper:

Dubya's in the Oval Office getting the daily sit-rep on Iraq. Rumsfeld says: 'I have to tell you, Mr President, that yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed.'
To his surprise Bush groans and buries his head in his hands, saying over and over, 'That is just terrible, terrible news.
'Remind me again, just how many is a brazillion?'

(Courtesy of Simon Hoggart and attributed to Andy Hamilton)

MHN for short said...

Lovey~
I'm with T & the Gang. Darling, all that photoshop stuff is great, but I prefer YOU, your heart and your mind, whether satirical or from your heart, made in jest or in anger, for a purpose or just for fun; it is you baby, all you, that we (I) prefer and love.

Ultimately, it is your choice and YOUR blog. You will have to do with it what you will AND You can change the format if you want. Do with your blog what makes you happiest. If others don't flippin' like it, then they don't have to read it. Those of us who love you for you will always be here ready to interact with you.

I loves ya Hergie! Please don't go away.

garfer said...

I think you've been blogging to meet peoples expectations. That's a lot of pressure.
I wish you'd just say 'fuck it, I'm posting for myself from now on'.

cali said...

I'll miss the witty repartee in your comments section, like "Goodfellas was shit" for instance. Inspired!

Sniffy said...

Not as shit as the third Godfather film though.

pissoff said...

Ahhhh, what are we going to do with you Chimp?

Spirit Of Owl said...

God told me that Goodfellas was pretty good. And the Meaning of Life too. He might have been a bit pissed at the time though.