Sunday, February 12, 2006

DELL - Ever vigilant

Thank God for DELL(a)!

In these uncertain times (not sure what's uncertain about them, for example, I'm reasonably certain the time is 9ish Sunday evening)...

Anyway, in these uncertain times when we are surround by thieves, murderers, rapists, drug dealers, prostitutes, pimps, conmen, James Blunt, bent coppers, bent lawyers, bent benders, straight benders pretending to be bent, homophobic benders (Factory workers and Rugby Players) who hate gay benders, benders who hate other bending robots like Flexo (shifty little soul-patch aside), the white liberal middle class with their Guardians and freshly baked Saturday Batons, dodgy politicians, Ming the Merciless, Davros, dodgy politicians who are gay but pretend to be straight, straights who hate everyone including the shifty eyed Islamic nut jobs with Semtex vests and baby eating teeth forcing their way out of their crooked psychotic, despotic, fundamentalist gobs which we see portrayed so even handed in our media, cartoonists, blacks, jews, women and that...

Where was I?, Doesn't matter, anyway, in these terrible times it good to know people like Jack Bauer are out there, even in a fictional way. Jack is the kind of people who are ready at a moments notice to abuse, torture, humiliate, degrade, debase and pretend to dry hump all in the name of the greater good of the abstract concept of liberty, freedom and the right to complain about there never being anything on TV.

So it comes as no surprise that Jack and his chums use DELL on a daily basis to organise huge databases of potential terrorist profiles, format counter terrorist protocols, run intricate diagnostics on Rogue State acquired Nukes and covertly check their emails which frequently include; 20 things you’ll remember if you were born in the eighties, orders from your CIA handler, orders from your terrorist task master, and Are you a slut? – which someone has helpfully noted, ‘This really works - I’m 47% a slut, what about you?’.

Oh course DELL themselves are no stranger to taking the initiative in the War on Terrorism as this excerpt from a recent order I put together for my mother demonstrates.

Dell - Are you a terrorist


Luckily, I noticed this trick question in time and answered in the negative - God only knows what would have happened if I'd admitted that the PC was to be used for the creation of Weapons of Mass Destruction, such as weaponised nerve gas, SBDs, SBVs and straight out, unashamed blow off.

I have heard that Odai Hussain, who was a well-known 'bad boy' and 'practical joker' answered yes to this cunningly guised terrorist trap and look what happened to him, and his old man! (He’s dead, the old mans currently being fairly tried and then will be fairly executed).

Interestingly enough my Mum is called Della, which on occasion is shortened to Dell - exactly the same as the name of the company I ordered the PC from - coincidence?

Almost certainly.

Think on...

4 comments:

Sniffy said...

For years,Dell computers have been the backbone of the NHS's and other publice sector organisations' IT systems. I have full confidence in them and their ability to keep a watchful eye over us all.

Shit! Dell servers and the IT police.

Steve Dix said...

It the standard "technology export" waiver that all American companies use.

Try downloading a version of internet explorer with 64-bit SSL layer. If you're outside the US, it won't let you. Apparently, they need to be able to see if you're buying your weapons of mass destruction from Ebay. Or something.

garfer said...

I will sleep easier at night knowing that uncle Dell is keeping an eagle eye out for beardy bomb builders.

MHN for short said...

What the hell are you doing in my neighborhood and whay haven't you dropped in for a visit?????

Seriously, we have some killer coffee and some Guiness in the fridge!