Day No.1 - Night

The truth via Xmas card 2

If anyone would like to receive an Angry Chimp christmas card, designed to sit angrily amongst your usual mass of boring Xmas cards, drop me an email.

Day No.1 - Late evening

The truth via Xmas card 1

Isn't it time you were honest with friends and relatives this Christmas? 'The truth via Xmas card' range finally gives you that chance.

More coming soon... you knows it.

Day No.1 - Late afternoon

Yes you will!

CLICK AWAY

Day No.1

Mosaic - part three

Walls painted and ready to go.

First job is to get the picture divided up and cut up into pieces.

I used both paint shop pro and photoshop for this, mostly because I simply couldn't get the grid function to work properly in photoshop.

The image needs to be divided into 11.8cm x 13.8 cm rectangles. The reason they need to be this size is because this is the size of the rear of a cd case, the bit below the cd holder which you can simple snap out.

Why use cd cases for the mosaic?

I used cd cases for my mosaic for 2 reasons. Firstly, the rear of a standard cd cases is completely clear, and new cases have a lovely shine to them. Secondly, if mounted as I have done, it is a relatively simple process to replace the picture used in the mosaic at a later date.

You can usually pick up cd cases dirt cheap - mine were about 4p per case.

Obviously the larger the design the more cases. I used 40 in total, but I had another 20 odd spare.

Final prep

Once I'd cropped all 40 rectangles I simply printed them out (2 panels per A4 to conserve paper - and the worlds resources) and cut them out. I then placed them into the rear of the cd cases and got ready to mount.

I could either arrange the cases on the wall directly next to one another, which would simply form a large almost seamless picture or break the image up a bit by adding gaps. As stated earlier, adding gaps will enable me to change the image when I get pig sick of it, which will happen as I am extremely fickle.

Final prep, attaching a couple of strips of double sided padded sticky tape to each case (Shout out to Blue Peter!).

Mounting the image

The best and worst part. It's much harder than you'd think to get the cases all completely square to another, whilst at the same time ensuring that the image looks right.

Obviously having a big ruler and spirit level is essential. Anyway, as the evening turned to night I pushed on with the mosaic.

Later...

Much later...

Until finally...

Daisy gets in on the photo action

Sadly, I only have a mobile phone camera here at the moment so I apologise for the poor quality shots.

That was fun. So what's next?

Mosaic - part two

I was hoping to have the mosaic well on its way, but I realised that the wall I was mounting it on really needed painting - and seeing as how I'm planning to attach each of the 40 CD cases to the wall with padded double sided sticky tape, I really need to make sure the wall is in best nick first, 'cause painting round upto 160 tiny padded double sided sticky tape pieces will be a major arse ache.

This lead on to the whole room being painted from a not-very-nice powder blue, to a super neutral white. (like the rest of the house - I'm going for a real 2001: A Space Odyssey vibe).

I'm 50% through the painting and should be back on track with the mosaic tomorrow evening. The room is particularly big, I'm just a slow painter (and I hate it).

As I said yesterday, this mosaic is really a short of tester for a much larger project I have in mind for the lounge.

If the BBC Changing Rooms, or BBC DIY, or ITV Good Homes or any number of those legion of home make over shows had tackled this project it'd be done and dusted by now.

Pictures with tomorrows post (hopefully).

I haven't ignored all the great questions you guys asked. I'm planning the A's to the Q's very soon.

Mosaic - part one

I have spent a chunk of today (Sunday) creating a new wall decoration for the spare bedroom/ room with my PC in it.

I decided ages ago on doing a large mosaic using a photo, the scanner, photoshop, a colour printer and a ton of empty CD cases.

The biggest problem has been deciding upon a good image. Initially I was going to go for one of two photos by an American photographer I adore called Gregory Crewdson.

Both images are from his excellent book Twilight, which features 40 plates taken in and around suburban America at the magic hour. His photos always have a deep inner monologue going on - which is typically 'what the fu...?'. They are staged snaps but not digitally manipulated.

I really do love them, but I couldn't decided which one.

The other problem I had was, I really wanted to do something that I had created/ taken, so I decided to use a snap I took of the Doo's with my mobile.

This snap in fact which you probably saw a few days ago. I love it, not just because it’s of the doggies - which I would be the first to admit is a tad sad, but because it captures the personalities of both animals perfectly. Daisy - messy and laid back, Dixon - smooth and uptight.

I'm intending this to be a trial run for a full on Crewdson mosaic utilising (I estimate) upto 150 CD cases. This Dachshund mosaic will be comprised of 40 cases. I'll go into more specific details of dimensions and structure next time.

I also like it because it'll be replace a picture I have in the intended space by Warhol called Maurice, which was a painting of his own Dachshund. Why have a picture of another dudes dog, when you can have a picture of your own?

What I am aiming to do, is to take a grainy mobile snap and blow it up using a mosaic affect, and hopefully in the process lose the tweeness and create a bold and personal image for the room. Ahem.

Okay, now I've selected my subject the next step is to enlarge the photo and grid it ready for printing. I will cover this in detail next time.

In dialogue: George and Gawd

Some of y'all may have read this here bit before over at Tina's when I left it as a comment for her post on a true story about the President of the most heavily armed and powerful nation on the face of the Earth (excluding China) taking instructions on what physical actions to take in the World arena from his belief in a supernatural all powerful presence in his life which he calls 'God'. Here.

"Lord, I'm speaking to you now for some more of that home-spun, middle America lovin' advice and direction that you've been partial to dispensing unto me."

"---"

"Lord, can you hear me?"

"---"

"Lord?"

"---"

"Lord?"

"Oh, sorry about that my Son, I was having a natter with Osama"

"Bin Laden?"

"Yes, do you know him?"

"Why yes, our families go back a ways--"

"Hmm..."

"What Lord?"

"No, nothing"

"Lord, you can tell me"

"It's probably nothing, but I've been speaking with Osama for sometime now and he's never mentioned knowing you or any of your family"

"Gee, that is kinda odd"

"Maybe he's just a bit embarrassed about knowing you"

"What was that Lord?"

"Nothing, sorry, you were saying?"

"Oh yeah, I was wondering if you had some more --- erm, I don't want to seem out of line Lord, but are you speaking to other guys behind my back?"

"Well, now you come to mention it, I may occasionally give them some advice"

"But Lord ---"

"It's okay George, I usually change my name when I speak with them"

"Oh okay"

"So anyway, what did you want?"

"Guidance Lord, guidance"

"George, I don't much care for them gays, they're just too fancy for my liking. Get rid of them"

"Yes Lord"

"Oh, and George, those coloureds, they've got far too much funk in them"

"Lord, we call them Blacks now, or African Americans, and isn't saying they have funk a tad racist Lord?"

"You questioning me boy!?!"

"No Lord"

"I've decided to send a hurricane to give them a good licking, don't you go helping them now, ya hear"

"No Lord"

"Oh and George"

"Yes Lord"

"I created all life Son"

"Yes Lord"

"But I'm thinking those Brits were a mistake"

"You can't make mistakes, you are without fault, Lord"

"I was having a ciggie break when I came up with them"

"I have a good friend who's a Brit"

"He's a snake George, sort him and his uppitty stiff lipped brethren out"

"Lord?"

"They think they's so sophisticate, what with their laughing and howling at all that Iony, with an r."

"Yes Lord, I never understand Tone's jokes, or Monty Python. I do get Benny Hill though. How's Benny doing up there Lord?"

"I'm afraid Benny went to the other place Son"

"Really Lord?"

"I'm afraid so. it was all the chasing after teenage age hotties that did it"

"Erm...is chasing after teenage hotties wrong Lord?"

"Only if you catch them Son"

"Oh. I'll make a mental note of that ...................................."

"George?"

"-------"

"GEORGE!"

"Oh, yes Lord?"

"What are you doing down there?"

"I was making a mental note Lord, it takes a little time is all. I usually get Dick to do a little puppet show to help me remember stuff, but I think I've got that in my noggin now."

"Good"

"Oh Lord, what of the little fella with the goatee beard that ran that office in that factumentary I watched a while back? Is he up there Lord?"

"Ricky Gervais?"

"I think his name was Bent?"

"He's not dead yet George, but his name is on the list"

"That's good news Lord"

"Anyway, back to business. B'ah! it was a distraction like this that caused me to create Marmite. Evil stuff that it is."

"I hate it Lord"

"Good lad"

"I hate it on morning muffins and i hate it on toast and I hate it on a nice fresh bagel from O'Nelly's down on 5th and 10th"

"Cut the jokes George, you ain't no good at them. Anyway, where was I?"

"The Brits Lord"

"Yes, that's right. (Ahem) Wipe them out George, all of them"

"Yes Lord".

"Right, that's your lot for this week"

"Thank you Lord"

"Oh, and before I go have a chat with the Pope --"

"What Lord?"

"George, can you please keep it to yourself about our little sessions?"

"Oh, sorry Lord"

"It can be a little embarrassing at times"

"What Lord? Because you are so helpful and generous?"

"No, embarrassing that I know you"

"Oh, okay Lord"

Ba boom.

The fact that I am reprinting my comments from other blogs is further proof that this blog has simultaneously 'jumped the shark' and become seasons 8&9 of Seinfeld, seasons 6-9 of the X-files, Alien 3&4 (and AvsP), season 2 of Murder One, Gulf War 1&2, all of The Green Wing, series 2 (not 3) of Black Books, Land of the Dead, Godfather 3, Goodfellas and all subsequent work by Marty, all non Travis Bickle roles by De Niro, Harry Potter, the second BRMC album, Automatic onward by JAMC, The Dark Knight Strikes again, all of Nathan Barley, the Colin Baker years of Dr Who, Oasis's last 3 albums, all non Beatles work by Paul and John, the reforming of the Pixies, Star Wars Episodes IV,I,II,III and Monty Pythons 'Meaning of Life' (excluding the very funny short movie about the bank that becomes a pirate building).

Erm, what was my point again?

Final chance to ASK ME A QUESTION

Well, here we are, almost at the end of the Angry Chimp blog.

Only a couple of posts to go before I finally put chairs on tables, cash up the till, turn off all the appliances and lock the shutters for good.

So, I thought to celebrate the end of my blog I'd give you all a chance to ask any questions you ever wondered about this blog or about me... that's assuming you had any, of course.

Away you go...

Quick!! Get a read and a vote in!

I know this is super late, but CK has posted all the short story entries over at a specially commissioned blog;

here.

I believe the closing date for votes was yesterday, but I'm sure Mr CK at the Fount will accept late entries.

So, if you have a spare few mins go and have a read...

There are some good ones, and mine.

Dachshund - a story in words and pictures

My name is Dixon. This is me.



I live with Herge. This is us together, he's obviously a fool, but I tolerate him.



I pretty much rule the house.



And have done for the past 6 years.



I've had not such a good year this year, first I had a slipped disc, which left me paralysed for about 2 months (I can walk again now), and then I had a small operation on my toe. This is me with a large bandage.



Recently, I've been thinking things were getting back to normal again...



But then this appeared.



Daisy is what they call her. She's everwhere I go.



She thinks she's so special with that stupid long hair... b'ah.



She is such a show off.



I just can't get rid of her. I think she's here to stay.

Who is this.... it's Daisy Doo!

Introducing Daisy Doo!

Yep, that's right, after all the trauma and heartache I've been through this year with Dixon's slipped disc and subsequent spinal surgery, I've gone ahead and got another one.

Daisy is from a rescue centre and is a very affectionate and lively 2yr old long haired miniature Dachshund.

I'll go into more detail about this sudden addition to the family tomorrow, plus will include some better pics.

Who is this...?

More unplugged Chimp - notes/sketches