Saturday, June 10, 2006

My great plan - UPDATED

Three great hatreds come to ahead today; Football (or saarrrcaaarrr for my American/ Canadian chums), Shopping for clothes (God bless you White Stuff online) and Town centres (any day of the week but particularly Saturday).

Problem is I'm going out to Germany on Thursday to watch some sort of sporting event, which is taking place as part of some corporate hospitality for the company, I work for; yes I know this basically means I'm in league with the devil. Believe me I've tried to get out of it but it's a bit of a Vito Corleone situation.

Anyway, one of the stipulations of the event is that I need some sort of 'smart casual' clothing. I don't have any smart casual clothing. I hate smart casual. Smart casual is worn by dull middle class fathers who have given up on their own appearance and now live their miserable subservient lives through their wives and snot nosed brats. I do the following only:

suit man
Weekdays: Marketing Executive 2nd class

Th' Yoof
Weekend: Very old indie kidult (who still dreams of being as cool as this lot).

So, a trip to town is required and seeing as how with my usual advanced planning I've left far too little time to order anything online.

As I said, I hate town centres and town centres on Saturday in particular. Town centres on Saturday are almost solely occupied by moronic consumer sheep that literally are chomping at the bit to spend every penny they earn on products and brands they are told to like (but Goddamn it I still want an iPod Nano!).

However, as luck would have it the England Football team are playing their first match today at 2.00pm. With the build up to the World Cup having far more intense than the Bush/ Blair campaign to invade Iraq nearly every man, woman and child has been brainwashed into thinking this is a defining moment in our depressingly blood-soaked and jingoistic history.

So the plan is:

1. Leave home at 1.30pm - the middle ground of the pre-match warm up
2. Hit Cheltenham at 2.00pm - all pubs/ bars and whatever filled by general populace all in a zombieesq trance ready to shout/ cheer/ go "Oooowww" at the appropriate time.
3. With the hoi totally occupied only the disaffected (such as myself) will actually be shopping, making this Saturday afternoon look more like a Sunday afternoon back in 1977 when all we had on this holy day was some horrifically long biblical epic on the ITV and a big box of lego to keep us occupied (all the shops were shut on pain of law).
4. Get some boring short-sleeved shirt, boring 'slacks' and nothing else.
5. Leave Cheltenham at approx 3.00pm.
6. Get home just as England loses it's opening match to the 'shock' of the nation.
7. Cook meat on BBQ ensuring it is burnt on the outside and raw on the inside.
8. Watch Dr Who.
9. Play computer games.
10. Go to bed.

I'll report on the success/ failure of this 'Guns of Navarone' style operation.

And remember; not liking football doesn't make you weird - but it doesn't help.


Major success. Smart(ish) casual items purchased - town quite empty, carparks very empty. Only slight incident when a couple of male shop workers quizzed me as to why I wasn't watching the footie "like a real man". Cheeky bastards. Would normally have retorted with witty comeback but felt a bit weak and defensive - plus was on the clock as the match was (potentially) drawing to a close and needed to be back home by the start of the post match analysis to count as a total success.


thordora said...

That's funny-I'm listening to the new album by that lot as I read this.

I'm with you. Pick one or the other. This "business casual stuff" confuses the hell out of me. I can wear a suit. Or I can sit here looking slightly dirty and comfy.

Thankfully I have made many enemies, and no longer get invited to said type of events. Which is sad in away, since watching management get drunk and sleep with eachother can be appealing.

cali said...

Gimme your tix, dammit! Oh, and a plane ticket from San Diego to Germany.

And I'd like to watch Dr. Who too if that's okay - SciFi channel just showed the last episode of the eccleston series last night - since when does the doctor get to stick his tongue down his companion's throat?

And if you're going on a Guns of Navarone shopping mission, take David Niven, not Anthony Quinn.

P.S. We won.

garfer said...

I'm still on the subs bench for Trinidad and Tobago.

John Motson mentioned 1966: twice.

pissoff said...

So, c'mon Herge... give us a model...!

Rowan said...

doyaknow, I dont' think our suburban lives in Canada are much different than fact, I was (as much as I hate it) at the mall, and as I squeezed thru a crowded patch in the centre of the mall, I noticed what had everyone electronics store had the "football" game on front and center and you'd be amazed at how many had to stop and cheer thereby blocking the entire span of the width of the walkway past the store. gawd help me.

MHN for short said...

So, how did the shopping go? Just as planned/feared???

Ship Creak said...

I assume this means there's not a lot of point inviting you to my "Stag" night on Friday in Brum, then? Oh well. You are, of course, even if you can't make it.

Then I'm off on Tuesday next week for 3 weeks in the Carribean - woo hoo! Can't wait. Will be married by the time I get back, too. All grown up, me.

Steve Dix said...

Whereabouts in Germany?

Anywhere near Cologne?

Aginoth said...

Is there some sort of Football event on...hadn't noticed !

Sniffy said...

Smart casual - hate that. There's no such thing.

As for le world cup, the way it is completely over-hyped by the English is something that makes us (English footie fans) so endearing. I don't know which fucking numpty scheduled Thursday's kickoff for 5pm, but the roads will be gridlocked from 3pm.

AND you stuck up bastard, getting invited to corporate dos. I hate you.

DrMax said...

Two words Herge.....elf shorts.

Herge Smith said...

Sodding bastard internet!!!! Fucking down for DAAYYYSSS.

Sorry about that. Update attached.

Dr Max - you what?

Tina - I am a totally stuck up marketing bastard.

Steve - Dormound is it? I dunno, I'm just going where I'm told.

Ship - When did you tell me about that? You daft sod - I could have used the 'mates stag' as a reason to get out of this shit - also to have a good time at your stag of course - have fun!!!

Graham said...

Surely it should be

9 - Play computer games.
10 - Throw up from food poisoning.
11 - Go to bed.